I'm back...

Sorry for the lack of posts in the last couple of months.  I've been trying to get my bearings with everything going on (health, paying for pills, getting a job, working on the dissertation, etc). I think I've got it now.  I have a job - minimum wage, but I really like it and it is very good at keeping me on track with my dissertation. I have the day off today, but other days I need to make sure I get dissertation work done before work, since I am usually exhausted when I get home (I close pretty much every night).  But it has been great for me, and I no longer feel like an unemployed bum.

The dissertation was neglected at bit at first, but now I'm really making sure I get in my dissertation time now.  I see working on my dissertation as a relationship; he/she is very needy and I need to give him/her my time and best effort to make him/her a better paper.  I really need to decide whether my dissertation is a he or a she and give it a name.  Any suggestions?

Soooo...

It's been a long time. Perhaps i'll be better at blogging if I do it from my phone. Or maybe it will be full of bad autocorrects. In any case, I'm going to write more often. Possibly abt grad, but more likely random stuff i find to be funny.

More later...

Going to the library, but only for coffee

I remember doing my undergraduate honors thesis. It was the 2001/2002 school year. I remember the hours I spent in the library - searching the stacks, finding the journal, finding the volume of the journal I needed, looking up the page number, and copying away. I spent so much time and money in the library getting all of those articles. And carrying all of them around with me? Insane. I remember those days that I dedicated a whole Sunday to copying articles. And refilling my OneCard...over and over and over. It was better than trying to find change, however.

Today, getting articles is much easier (and cheaper). I don't even have to go to school to do it. I can link my computer remotely to OhioLink, and download PDF versions of the articles. I also sprung for the full version of Adobe (yay for student discounts!) and can even annotate and highlight the articles right on my computer. I can print them out if i wish (of course) and can even use the printer in the computer lab in the department for free (if i feel like going there, of course). I can have all of the articles I need with me on the computer at all times. I've barely stepped foot in the library at school in all of the years that I've gone there. I've rarely needed to. As an undergrad, I practically lived there. I've spent more time buying coffee at the coffee shop there than getting articles.

As much as I complain about my dissertation, I realize technology has made the process MUCH easier. I can have the article I need in seconds. SECONDS. I often forget how much time, effort and money it took to procure those articles as an undergrad. I can't imagine doing a dissertation that way. I have HUNDREDS of articles for my dissertation (and yes, I've read most of them). I can't imagine doing this process for every article I needed: copy page --> flip journal --> copy page --> turn page --> copy --> flip journal...repeat to infinity.

Ah, it is important to remember that we have it easy.

Writer's guilt: Dissertation edition

Somehow I forgot (at least I think i forgot to write) to write about getting a draft of Chapter II to my advisor. That was last Friday. I'm still waiting to hear back and I am anxious to get started on it. It is odd that I have this strange desire to tackle it head on. I may feel differently after I see the comments, however :-/

I've been reading up as much as I can about policy-capturing and how to analyze policy capturing. I'd tell y'all what it is, but I can't seem to explain it in a way where non-stats people would understand (not that you'd be interested anyway). Hell, I barely understand it. I understand the basic process, but applying it to my study I'm finding really difficult. And analysis - sheesh! There are several ways to analyze the data (once I collect it) but I'm not well-versed in any of them.

I've had 7 graduate statistics classes, yet I don't know how to do this. Awesome, I had to pick a study in which I'm unfamiliar with the methodology. So this has turned the section that is usually easiest to write for me into the hardest. Chapter III is kicking my ass. My way of dealing with this is reading every article and book chapter that has the slightest reference to policy-capturing and the analysis of policy-capturing data. I am doing work, but I have what I call "writer's guilt"

Writer's guilt as how it pertains to the dissertation is the immense amount of guilt that you feel when your dissertation itself - the document - is not being improved or written in for a few days while you figure out how the hell you are going to explain this crap. Even though I am actively working on my dissertation and reading my butt off, I still don't feel like it is real progress because it is not on paper yet. Also, I've been reading things that are only tangentially related to what I'm doing. This very well might be a waste of time, but I've read (and re-read) all of the major articles that deal with policy-capturing in the I/O literature. I've also read a few that are of different disciplines.

So the name of the game is reading, reading and more reading, all whilst feeling incredibly guilty that I'm not producing anything that can be turned in at this point. I *could* take a picture of all of the articles I've read lately, but that would take up a lot of data on an email attachment.

I know I need to give up the writer's guilt and really feel like I'm being productive even though there is no output to show for it. I need to believe that reading is really making progress. I'm certainly spending enough time doing it.

Feeling ok about my dissertation for once

Well, after my last couple post about being discouraged on my dissertation, I am happy to report that I am not so discouraged at the moment. I managed to get another draft of Chapter 1 to my advisor as well as the goals for the semester. He said it looked good and that my goals are doable :-)

Good feedback is always welcome.

My next goal is to get a revision of Chapter 2 to him by next Friday. Chapter 2 is a hot mess, so my goal is to make it less of a hot mess. Not going for perfection here, just improvement. Ok, major improvement. But it is not going to be perfect and I am (mostly) ok with that. Perfectionism is not good for productivity - at least in my case. I feel odd about just doing "well enough", but in actuality, this paper is going to revised so much it is going to be unrecognizable from the first draft when it is all said and done. I can work on polishing it in later drafts.

It is going to be a busy week, that is for sure, but if I can get done what I've set out to do (and I think I can) it will motivate me that much more to tackle Chapter 3 (which is even more a hot mess than Chapter 2).

A plan and a little hope.

I’ve still been discouraged and disappointed in myself. I'm really trying to drown out the naysayers (me) and get on with it. Actually, I can use my dissertation to distract myself from some of the not-so-positive things going on in life. Not sure if that will ultimately be effective, but it is worth a shot. Any mind trick that I can use to get myself to work more on my dissertation is a good thing.

I need to come up with some specific deadlines. I think that the end of this week I should have a revised chapter 1, and perhaps the middle of next week I should have a revised version of chapter 2. I do feel that chapter 3 is the most important piece of the puzzle, and I can continue to work on that, but I see the other chapters as more doable. Perhaps I could even have the next draft of Chapter 1 done today. I only have some (seemingly) minor edits to make.

I'm so not the optimistic cheerleader type, but I'm trying to to pump myself up about this! I have an opportunity to get things done, to make a great accomplishment and contribute a paper that is mine and mine alone. I can do this! Just a little bit (or a little bit more) every day will help my dreams become a reality. I need to do this.

Discouraged

I'd had some really good days last week on the dissertation. Not always getting as much done as I would have wanted, but still making progress (however small). Today, I'm having a really tough time getting going (which happens and I try to push through it). However, I'm feeling completely discouraged about the whole thing. I'm highly disappointed at where I am in the dissertation process. I haven't even proposed it yet, and it has been years since I passed my comprehensive exams. I've been spinning my wheels for years and cannot shake the guilt from that. I'm finding it really difficult to believe that it will ever get done.

I've got this summer to get the proposal in tip-top shape and ready to propose. Some days, it doesn't sound so daunting. Other days, it seems like climbing Mt Everest would be easier. Today is a Mt Everest day. The whole thing is a major disaster, but what is most bothering me is the progress I should have made in the past few years. I know I need to let that go. I need to let it go to be effective, to stop it from dragging me down. Lately, every time I work on it, I have a tremendous amount of guilt from all of the things I haven't done...and all of the things my classmates have done. I am happy for them - but many of them have started years after me, and I am ashamed of my own lack of progress.

If I don't make enough progress this summer, it might be the end of the road for me. That has motivated me at times, specifically last week. Today it is weighing me down. I need to remember that I finished my thesis and passed comps and I wasn't especially confident I would be successful at either. Neither accomplishment was pretty, but I finished it. This dissertation process is not ugly, grotesque even, but I'm hoping to finish it. I just need to find my mojo and some self-efficacy. Anyone have any to spare?