Goals

So once again, I'm making a list of goals for the new school year. This feels a little tiresome, as I seem to make lists of goals every semester that never pan out. It is my fault completely, but the more I fail (because I didn't try) the more I believe that finishing my PhD is a goal that is out of reach. I'm trying to keep myself motivated and believing in myself, but it is much easier said than done. I'm hoping to keep my promises this time and really give it that "old college try".

Goals for 2010-2011

Finish dissertation by August 2011
- Propose by end of Fall 2010 semester

• Have a rough draft of proposal by October 15

• Get IRB approval by January 2011

• Data collection Spring 2011
• Have a complete draft done by July 1, 2011

• Finish writing in summer 2011
• Defend August 2011

How to accomplish above goals:
- Work on dissertation daily
- Be committed to the above goals
- Minimize distractions and negativity
- Overcome obstacles
- Develop plans to overcome obstacles
- Seek guidance and social support when needed.

Foreseeable obstacles
- Losing momentum/motivation
- Letting anxiety and fear overwhelm me
- Not believing that I can do it
- Financial difficulties
- Being out of town often
- Comparing my progress to others and feeling inadequate
- Previous failures discouraging me

This is not an exhaustive list, but a good start :-)

Excuse or explanation?

I haven't gotten a chance to work on my dissertation at all this week. I've been sick, and then I had outlines to grade. My great aunt passed away. I cancelled my meeting with my advisor because I hadn't gotten a chance to work on it. He responded by telling me to set some concrete goals to share with him. Not sure what to tell my advisor; just that I'm doing what I can do right now? That I've been trying to work on it every day and that's the best I can do? I've not made much measurable progress (not that I could show anyone anyway – random scribbles, lit review outlinish thing) but I feel like I can actually work on it. Not much, but I can.

I feel like everything is an excuse. That my concentration sucks, my great-aunt died (not especially close to her, but still made me sad), I had outlines to grade, that I'm not sleeping/eating well, that dissertation scares me, that I don't believe that I'll ever finish it. It is hard to admit to myself that I'm not doing as well as I should be. Telling other is even harder.

It sounds like I've got a lot of issues – which I do. I don't think this is what he had in mind when taking me on as an advisee. I know this is not what I had in mind.

Timing

You know the old cliché; "timing is everything"? Well, it seems to hold true in my life. I've gotten most of what I wanted in life but not always when I wanted it. And the things I didn't get? I believe I will get them/achieve them or I'll find that they are not as important to me as I thought. I have to remember also that I have some control over this timing. Not everything is under my control, but some things are. Most things in life, I feel like I am controlling as much as I can, there are other (i.e. the dissertation) that I'm not really working toward. I want to finish so badly; to finally get out of school and get a job, to have a life…yet I'm not doing much to achieve that goal. It is funny how I can be really good at controlling what I can in some areas of my life, and so bad at others.

I'm not expecting to be totally on top of things in my life; but I would like to say that I'm trying as hard as I can.

The last day of summer…

Oh how sad it is. The last day of summer. How it goes so fast – how I didn't meet my goals. At least my academic ones. Ideally, I'd be about ready to propose my dissertation early in the semester. Right now, I'd just like to get my hypotheses settled so I can get on with it. It seems I really want to be done with school, but am not making the strides to do so. Kind of like a student that wants to get an A, but doesn't study. The dissertation isn't going to write itself.

I'm trying to strike a balance between being pushing myself to work harder than I want to and berating myself. I seem to end up doing the latter, and it helps no one. It's that voice that says "I suck", "I'm a bad writer", "I should be done with my proposal right now. I'm so freaking lazy". The fact that I have not done much work impedes me actually doing work. I'm feeling so guilty about not getting things done earlier that it makes me so anxious that I can't do the work now, which makes me feel worse, and things still don't get done. Cycle of negativity – I see it.

I really need to let it go; start fresh. Forget about my lack of progress previously – what matters is right now. I can't do anything about the past, but I can change the direction I'm going. I've not been happy with my academic progress, and I know it's just going to get worse if I don't change something and just do it. Just get the focus and do it! I need to quit apologizing for how little I got done this summer and just get on with it. Ok, perhaps I should apologize once, but leave it at that. My advisor wants me to do well, and expects me to (ok, that's questionable at this point). I should tell him that it is not a reflection of him (it's not). I'm a secondhand advisee – I haven't been molded for this. I've been molded for chasing advisors down the hall, pouting and stomping out of offices, reminding constantly that I exist, etc. This is a bit different…

It wasn’t so bad…

If it was a really bad meeting with dramatics, you know I would have written about it right away. Bad news makes for better blogging, that's for sure. Whenever anything bad happens to me, I try to make it comical. I usually can find SOMETHING humorous out of most situations. I can't think of any at the moment, but I'm sure you can think of some.

In reality, the meeting went quite well, and I actually felt better after leaving the meeting than before. It is rare that that happens. It turns out my one sentence ideas were better than any of the ones I'd written pages and pages about. And both ideas are simple and one of them I actually know quite a bit about already. Sweet. I can't say that I definitively have an idea, but I'm working on it. I don't want to jinx myself J

We also discussed plans for the rest of the summer and fall, specifically research. I told him I was leaning towards consulting but haven't ruled out academia. Not quite the truth, but closer. At least he knows I'm thinking about it.

I'm still in the process of moving my office; I need to be out by July 1^st. For some reason, I want to move all of it myself. For sentimental reasons, perhaps? Also, I have some stuff I want to organize before I move it. I swear, I have no idea how 5 years have gone by. 1^st & 2^nd year, it felt like eternity. Memories….

Not again :(

This afternoon it was decided that I must come up with a new dissertation topic. Damn. I've only had about 5 other unsuccessful diss topics so far. I was also told that I should stop being so concerned with the method of data collection. I was being "too practical". This may have been the only time in my life that I have been the practical one! Seriously! I guess the desire to graduate would make one more practical.

I was also reminded today that in one year, I haven't met any of my major goals. Not one. How freaking depressing is that? I've definitely worked toward those goals and I am close to accomplishing some, but still. What the fuck have I been doing this past year? Running in circles?

Feeling defeated yet again. Pass the cheesecake filling. And the big spoon.