Hmmmm, what to say...

In a couple of weeks, the department will have its annual picnic. I didn't go last year...come to think of it don't think I went the year before. But in my pursuit of being (marginally) social, I'm thinking about attending.

So why wouldn't I go? Not because people aren't awesome (well, the one's i know are awesome...and we have a tradition of bringing awesome people in). Or that the food and wine aren't good (they are). So why would I have any trepidation in going????

Well....everyone includes their year in grad school during introductions. Problem is, my year is too obscene to reveal! I don't even think about what year I am myself. Honestly. Also, my general bitterness about graduate school might shine through as well. I'm kind of a poor example of a graduate student....I'm still here!

Second....I feel old. I've seen so many incoming classes come in...and in the last couple of years, I've become aware of a generation gap. Yes, a generation gap.

And third; the department is different. Vastly different than when I was in the first few years of grad school. Students have changed (of course), a few faculty changes, and department norms are different. Hell, I'm not even sure if the department as a whole drinks good beer. If not, that is a tragedy. I learned about good beer my first few years in grad school. It should be part of the socialization process!!!

And of course, I miss my former classmates of years above and below (yes, plenty of them have graduated before me). On to bigger and better things...and soon (hopefully) so will I.

Years down the road...wait, I'm there already???

When I started graduate school, I didn’t know what to expect several years down the road. I couldn’t imagine surviving past the 1st year! But I have. Hasn’t always been pretty, but I have.

One thing that helped me get through the first few years was my cohort. We went to the same classes, saw each other every day and hung out with each other on the weekends. We had Thursday nights at Don Pablos ($2.50 margaritas!) and spent a heck of a lot of time at 69 Taps, Jillians, Brubakers, and yes, Posh (its called Lux now). Bowling at Stonehedge, Luigi’s at 3am, and of course some kickin' parties at people’s apartments.

It's different now. Dissertating is a lonely process. We don’t have a “dissertation class” to go to where we see each other a couple of times a week. We work on this at home, or in offices far removed from the rest of the I/O side. Not that I don't appreciate my counseling office neighbors, it is nice to have people in the same situation as oneself. I never knew how lonely things would get. I never thought that I would be more unhappy as an ABD than i was studying for comps! At least with comps, we were all doing the same thing, at the same time. Also, still being in classes, we had a lot of moral support. Although there are plenty of others working on their dissertations still, a number are several years below me...so i never really see any of these people. I suppose it is my fault, I haven't exactly reached out to others.

Perhaps i need to acknowledge that things have changed, people have changed, the department has changed. I can't seem to let go of what was. In addition, I have a fear of getting too attached to others because it will suck when I (eventually) leave.

I hate saying goodbye. I avoid goodbye parties for people that I will miss very much, even though I would like to see them off. I detach early - it will hurt me less. It is a very selfish perspective to take.

Still here…but no one else is

Currently I'm sitting in my office. Door shut, only the desk lamp on. I no longer have a window to the outdoors, so it's like a cave. I like it.

I was in quite the good mood earlier this morning. I actually went to bed at a decent time (midnightish) and woke up at a decent time (7:30). I got to school at 9:30ish and started working. I still had to enter grades for the semester (it's a process). I did so and in the process saw one of my classmates who had just graduated. I am so happy for him!!! Also, 2 other members of my cohort graduated this semester as well. It's amazing how we started as 1^st years…and now they have their PhDs.

I was not thinking about this at all when I was walking back to my office after entering grades. I was thinking about how I was going to structure my day and which part of the dissertation I was going to work on. I got into my office ---and I saw it; "It" being my (former) officemate's empty desk. There is absolutely nothing on the desk. She's moved out.

I burst into tears before my mind even processed it. My officemate was never in while I was there anyway. I rarely saw her. But the empty desk was evidence that she is gone; getting on with her life. I was not. Or so it feels.

I know quite well this is my own doing; the only person that holds me back is me. I've been pretty good about just working on the dissertation lately and not comparing myself to others, or thinking about my past mistakes/laziness.

Hence, the door is closed. I've had similar reactions the last few times I was in my office, but just a few tears and I got on with my work. I could not stop this time. I told myself I'll give myself 5 minutes to be sad; to cry it all out then get back to work. That didn't work. So I said 10. Still couldn't read the words on the computer screen through my tears. I cried for a half-hour. And now I'm tearing up again.

I feel like I'm overreacting. I knew this was coming. I'd dealt with it already…or so I thought. I'm happy for what my classmates have accomplished!!!! I truly am. Why can't I focus on their gains instead of my loss? This is a very positive event. I should think of it as such. I need to separate myself from thinking that I wish I was there. I'm not, but so what? My friends have their PhD!!! That is an awesome thing. I need to figure myself out of the equation.

I'd really like to get out of my office for a bit. However, I'd like to not look like I'm crying. The asking of "what's wrong?" would bring another flood of tears. Perhaps I could claim allergies?

Damn, I'm really sick of crying in my office.