So, so tired

My sleep schedule has been quite messed up lately. Like going to bed at 5:30am one night and get up at 4:30am another (not consecutive days, obviously). I've not been waking up early by choice, either. And today was no exception. It blows to get up at 5:45am while having gone to bed at 3:30am. And I didn't have to get up until 8:30-9am. I didn't really even sleep; I think with anxiety about the dissertation kept me up. Barely slept the night before either.

I've done some work already today. I think I am a good work-in-the-morning person, but not actually a morning person. This would be a fantastically wonderful thing that I've gotten stuff done already, but I'm going to be getting stuff done (or at least working on) until at least 9:30pm. That's what sucks about teaching at night and waking up early. The day is too long. Mondays aren't bad because I usually stroll in about 2 or 3pm. But Wednesdays I have an 11am meeting. Not so early really, but I usually will get there at 10am to prep and don't leave until at least 10pm, after I've taught and organized my things for the next day. So 12hrs of work in store for me. On no sleep. This should be fun.

Been trying to quell the anxiety I have about the dissertation. When I look at how well I've been sticking to my schedule the last couple of days, and making progress every day, I feel like I'm doing well. I just don't feel that I have that much to show for it. So on my terms, my evaluation, I'm doing quite well making progress, however slow. Slow is better than none, right? I still feel like a slacker during meetings though. It's not usually that I haven't worked on stuff, but that I don't really have much to explain. I often feel like the meetings are fairly unnecessary if all I'm going to say is that I've been reading, thinking and writing the lit review. I don't really have many questions to ask at this point that I shouldn't be able to figure out by reading more. And makes me kinda pissed to go in early just to say that. If I had to be there that early already, I wouldn't mind. But this gets me to school about 4 hours before I usually would.

I need to focus on the things that I am doing right, however slowly. I don't like meetings because I don't feel like I have much to show for the work I've done. It makes me feel a little ashamed. It's weird that I actually feel good about my dissertation in relation to my plans and goals. I feel that more is expected of me than that. I'd really like to stick to my own expectations right now, until I gain some confidence in my work and abilities.

Tea, meetings, and anxiety. Have I learned anything in the past 5.5 years of grad school?

So it is very early Wednesday morning…and we all know what Wednesday morning's bring. The weekly meeting. The meeting that I attempt to explain what I'm thinking/doing, generally without much success.

So here it is 12:30am and I'm binge-drinking herbal tea. First was country peach passion, but that is all gone now. Onto lemon zinger. I'm sitting at my dining room table with a whole bunch of articles spread before me. I have done several hours of work today (followed my new color-coded calendar somewhat) but I haven't gotten as much done as I would have liked. I think I work much slower than the average student; it seems to take forever for me to get stuff done, even when I'm not procrastinating.

Also, I get to the point where I'm almost done…and stop. Anxiety kicks in big time. So I can't seem to finish my ideas/thoughts/paragraphs completely. I hate that I do this; if I were running a 5k (3.1 miles), I wouldn't stop after mile 3. I'd finish the race. I'd dig in and use all of the energy I have to kick it in. So what if my lungs are burning? So what if my legs feel like they are going to give out? Just a little further, and I'll be done and be able to rest.

One problem with this race analogy is that the dissertation process is not a 5k; it is an ultra-marathon. An ultra-marathon through the woods, over mountains, often with trails that lead nowhere that fools us. My thought of the entire painful race gets to me and I freak out.

I also I'm plagued with thoughts that my writing is not good enough. I wonder how I managed to pass my classes, finish my thesis, pass comps. I forget I've even done that. I feel as clumsy with this whole dissertation process as I did with my first grad class – no idea what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I've regressed on the "smart" scale…like all of the previous education in the past doesn't count, or that I couldn't do it now. Deep down though, I know I have the ability. I've always had the ability. I just don't always have the motivation, concentration, confidence to do things to the best of my ability.

Seriously, when I think about what I'm doing right now (with the teacup replacing the view of the struggling writing's ashtray) I know that I'm being unreasonably anxious. Seriously, I'm sitting in front of a computer screen and can't seem to get a simple list of questions and comments appropriate for the meeting tomorrow. That's another thing; I never really know what he expects every meeting. Should I always have questions, or have some amount of writing done? I'm not entirely sure. I should probably ask. I don't often feel like I have anything "together enough" to turn in. Sure, I may have 6 pages of random notes and ideas, but it was probably make no sense to him. Email only advising is what I'm used to, and what I'm most comfortable with.

Ok, 1am and I'm on my 6^th cup of tea. And I feel like baking cookies or something. Must come up with a list of points to discuss/questions to ask. I think I've got most of it in different forms of notes –scribbles, outlines, etc. Wish I could sit down and wrote in an organized, coherent fashion. Sorry if this post is neither.

Chugging along…

I had a good meeting with my advisor last Wednesday. I've got some direction and some suggestions on how to move forward. One such thing I'll need to do is to do a literature review of P-O fit. Ok, I can do that. I meet with him tomorrow…and I've only got a page done. Well, it is only 3:30pm; I've got until 11am tomorrow. I don't think he expects me to have it completely finished. Not sure what I'm going to say. I'll probably send him what I have and tell him not to look over it; I just wanted to show him that I am working on it.

Teaching has been eating up a good amount of my time. Not really the actual teaching part or preparing the material part. Mostly emailing students and asking for make-up exams, dealing with strange situations. Oh, and posting of things on Springboard. I really need to focus on my dissertation more – like work on it exclusively T, TH, & F. Although there are student issues that keep coming up and I like to deal with them as they come.

So I'm doing pretty well overall. Teaching is going well. They didn't seem to hate me because of the test like prior classes have been. Ended up talking to a few students after each class for awhile. Dissertation is progressing slowly, but the general forward trajectory is good, even if the velocity is slow. I'll worry about the speed later. Right now I need to focus on being consistent; working on it a bit every day, or at least 5 days a week. Even it is only one article I read, 2 sentences I write, or gathering more articles, it is progress. Progress is good.

Um, I’ve been reading…

So, the university did actually close! So no meeting, right? Not quite. There was a request/strong suggestion for a phone meeting. I did what I always do; I emailed. Generally, meetings with my advisor last 5-10 minutes anyway. And I am doing what we said I would do: reading. I probably should have questions to ask, but I don't. I have a few ideas, but they are way incomplete (as in I'm not sure they even make sense) and I'm not ready to share them.

Sooo, I'm hoping that's enough. I should have more concrete hypotheses by next week. I should have written that in the email. Oh well.

I really want to get to the point in which I look forward to weekly meetings. Ok, at least not dread them.

I should update that dissertation journal…

So, it’s Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…

And I am up. I've been staying up ridiculously late…basically because I can. Then wake up ridiculously late, get to school at 2pm while feeling like a lazy schmuck. I then stay at school until 10:30 or so. 8 ½ hours of work isn't lazy schmuck-ish, but work that is done during the day seems to be more highly valued. People forget I go home at the time they go to bed and figure I head out at 4:30pm just like the most of the department. In actuality, no one probably notices/cares; 6^th year students are banished to the other side.

Actually, I get to school at 11am on Wednesdays for a meeting that I am rarely sufficiently prepared for. I spent all of the time in my office before I taught on Monday (a good 3 ½ hours) on teaching stuff. So I was going to work on my dissertation after. However, when I got back to my office at 9:30pm I was really, really tired. I stayed for another 45 minutes…working on teaching stuff.

Tuesday I was supposed to either 1) go to my office and work all day, or 2) stay at home and work all day. My subconscious, however picked option 3: Stay at home with articles sitting next to you without actually looking at them or open any written documents related to the dissertation while watching TV. After hearing of the monstrous snow storm expected (12-18", yo!) then 1) called Mom to complain, and 2) went grocery shopping. Majority of purchases were healthy and now she can sustain herself for the next day or so while potentially trapped in apartment (lol). I did need milk and *could* have used groceries, but I went out like I was going to starve to death if I didn't buy more food. I also spent 20 minutes putting on makeup, including eyeliner (which I rarely have the patience to put on and typically rub my eye and unknowingly smear it all over my face). I need to look my best while perusing the perishables.

Got back, watched a few episodes of Scrubs, wrote in my journal for awhile, chatted online, and ate dinner. Have no idea where rest of the time went. Suddenly around 11:30pm I started feeling a bit anxious. Somehow I didn't have the most productive of days. Therefore, I needed to polish my nails. Red. I haven't had polished nails since October and that was because of my sister's wedding. And when I do wear polish, it's usually like a really pale pink; the kind you can wear after half of it is chipped off without it looking horrible. Red is a bit high maintenance. I don't even wear red on my toes!

So they are polished. And they make my hands look even paler than they are which are quite ghostly. And seem a bit formal. While I've been a brunette, a blond, and a redhead (more auburn really) in the past year, somehow painting my nails red seems too attention-grabbing.

Yes, I've spent this long thinking about it. Why? I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow/today. I don't feel as prepared as I should be. I have done work, quite a bit actually, but nothing actually written…and not a whole lot considering hypotheses and whatnot. Been reading, thinking a little…still no real "proof" that I've been working. Gahhh!!! School may be canceled tomorrow, but I'm probably obligated to at least send an email about my ideas/what I've been working on. And no, I don't think attaching this blog would be a good way of showing proof of productivity.

So, I'm still up and compulsively eating a good deal of the groceries I bought earlier (See, I really did need to go shopping!) I've almost clicked on one of the several documents that contain ideas/writing dealing with my dissertation. However, I must check my friend stocks on Facebook, and then catch up on the PhD comics. So yeah, I'll probably be up all night. If the university doesn't close, I'll be really screwed.

I hate it when I succumb to feeling sorry for myself

Yet, it still happens. I kinda fell apart today. And I'm still in my office, although no longer crying (yes, I admit it – I was sniveling in my office with the lights out for awhile). I'm trying to avoid the tear-stained face exit. I wish I had a trap door. I find it interesting that I can admit to people that I've been crying in my office, but not actually show people.

It is cold (for august – low 60s), dreary, and raining outside. I am also sick. The latter in and of itself will often make me bawl. I've gone from pretending I have no commitments, to reality where I am accountable to a lot of people. I can't just up and leave – I've got meetings tomorrow and Friday and I have to teach 2 classes tomorrow. I'm completely overwhelmed.

After the meeting where I admitted I haven't really done much work on my dissertation this summer (which went badly on my part), I hid in my office. And felt sorry for myself because of the state of my dissertation, because I have no one to take care of me (even though I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself) when I'm sick, stroke my hair as I sleep. Actually, I do have someone that would - I just shouldn't ask him to. He was trying to help today. He used to be the first one I called whenever I felt bad. Even before I'd dealt with it myself. I can't have him help right now. I hope he understands that it would be bad for both of us. Trust me, it would.

I've really got to get myself out of this office, get myself some dinner, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I haven't really cried in awhile, and I can't really stop today for some reason. Everything will be okay. It will. It always is. I need to remember this. And I need to laugh. I always feel better when I laugh.

To anyone that is reading: Sorry I'm such a downer today.

When humor fails

To my advisor, at least. All of my attempts at humor (as a way to break the ice and feel more comfortable) fail miserably. Come on! I'm funny sometimes, or at least I get sympathy laughs! The only time I've gotten a laugh out of him is when I've been serious and not intending to be funny. I like to start meetings with a funny story or a joke. Never works at meeting time. I shouldn't even try anymore; it sucks to look at either a blank face or a look that says "let's just get on with the meeting". Small talk doesn't seem to work either.

Meeting actually went ok – he had sent some comments and suggestions to me a few days ago and I asked questions about them and presented ideas. Questions, understood. Ideas…not so much. I guess I don't explain things very well. Got a lab meeting in a few minutes. Hopefully it won't last long. We haven't made real progress on this study in a long time. We've been working on an idea for a year now. I'm hoping I can limit my involvement. That's kind of a bad attitude to have, but that's how I feel. I'm a 6^th year – I think I'm entitled be bitter. Honestly, I just want to get my dissertation done and get out of here. *sigh*

It wasn’t so bad…

If it was a really bad meeting with dramatics, you know I would have written about it right away. Bad news makes for better blogging, that's for sure. Whenever anything bad happens to me, I try to make it comical. I usually can find SOMETHING humorous out of most situations. I can't think of any at the moment, but I'm sure you can think of some.

In reality, the meeting went quite well, and I actually felt better after leaving the meeting than before. It is rare that that happens. It turns out my one sentence ideas were better than any of the ones I'd written pages and pages about. And both ideas are simple and one of them I actually know quite a bit about already. Sweet. I can't say that I definitively have an idea, but I'm working on it. I don't want to jinx myself J

We also discussed plans for the rest of the summer and fall, specifically research. I told him I was leaning towards consulting but haven't ruled out academia. Not quite the truth, but closer. At least he knows I'm thinking about it.

I'm still in the process of moving my office; I need to be out by July 1^st. For some reason, I want to move all of it myself. For sentimental reasons, perhaps? Also, I have some stuff I want to organize before I move it. I swear, I have no idea how 5 years have gone by. 1^st & 2^nd year, it felt like eternity. Memories….

Gulp….

What happens when to try to cancel a meeting with your advisor (because you haven't done anything dissertation related in 3 weeks)…and he/she says no? Deep shit, my friend, deep shit. I (surprise!) happen to be in this current situation. I had initially said that I had "preliminary ideas that I would like to develop further before we meet". Sounds good, right? Unfortunately, my preliminary idea is one sentence. And I haven't bothered to search to find out if it's been done before. Nice work, nice work.

I think I'm just going to 'fess up to doing nothing about my dissertation while explaining that I've been out of town quite a bit and I have more immediate deadlines to meet. Somehow, I think that this explanation will not be enough. I'm preparing for him to rip me a new one. I kind of hope he does; I probably need it, and definitely deserve it. Hopefully, I won't cry (which I do way too easily) or get really sarcastic and uncomfortably self-deprecating.

Will update soon – meeting in 40 minutes.

i made it...

Spent all day at school, went to dinner & hung out w/bf. Meeting w/advisor was not embarassing (conference behavior was not mentioned), but i thought i had a topic and then i didn't. I thought i had a great idea, but not really doable, i guess, with the manipulation. He wants things theory-based, while i come up with things out of my ass. More interesting that way.

I don't want to do what other researchers didn't do, I want to answer my own research questions. I do want to get started on my dissertation, but I know that the actual data collection and analysis will really suck. Need so many participants, need at least 3 confederates, one at a time. I feel like it will take me until 2012 to finish data collection and then if i actually finish collecting, it will take me another year to analyze it.

Don't get me wrong, it would be a great study and probably get published. But i don't want to spend a year collecting data. I don't really have a year to do that - i want to be done in August 2009. that's next summer.