The aftermath of a few days away...

Sooo, I just got back from Tampa - I was visiting my wonderful SO. I had a good time, forgot about my responsibilities for 8 days. Then I came home. Everything that I'd left was waiting for me (of course).

I had planned on working on a presentation and my dissertation while I was gone. My SO was gone all day for work, so surely I could have cranked out a few hours of work. Welllll, I found other things more interesting, like Busch Gardens, the Dali Museum, local cuisine, and being lazy. So the 8 day came and went, with no progress on anything, except for seeing some sites and spending some quality time with my SO for the 1st time in 6 weeks.

At this time, I'm trying to catch up. I've got a presentation to give on Tuesday unrelated to my dissertation. And of course, the dissertation itself. But I'll be leaving again on Thursday for a conference. Granted, I'll probably be able to get in some presentation/posters that are related to my dissertation (hopefully none TOO related), but I know most of the time will be spent "networking". Which includes actual networking, but also a lot of catching up with old friends, drinking, and eating plenty of deep-dish pizza.

Time to get back to work - I need to get some more stuff done before my butt goes numb from sitting in this stupid chair from my dining room table. You'd think I would have invested in a proper office chair long ago; but no, my massive amount of education has made no impact on me procuring necessary office equipment for a suitable place to write.

Levels of Cleanliness; a confession

As a grad student (or any person, for that matter) your current residence often becomes untidy. I propose a new system for assessing cleanliness (or dirtiness if it suits you) of your apartment/condo/home.

Level 7: Hoarder

Level 6: State of Emergency

Level 5: Major Disaster

Level 4: Pigsty

Level 3: Messy

Level 2: Clean but disorganized

Level 1: Slightly cluttered

Level 0: Immaculate

Level 0 is like self-actualization; few people ever get there. They are called neat freaks. Some likelihood of OCD. Level 7 people definitely have OCD and need help.

I would venture to guess that a majority of people oscillate between Level 3 and Level 1, with the occasional Level 4 crisis.

My apartment typically ranges from Level 2 to Level 4, by my own assessment, usually Level 2 or Level 3. The best I can seem to accomplish is Level 1 and even then i have boxes of random items shoved in my closet/under my bed/in various drawers. I never seem to have "a place for everything and everything in it's place". My windows are usually dirty (but isn't that what curtains are for?), there are often unorganized stacks of papers on the floor/desk/counter/dining room table, and I rarely clean the tray under my toaster oven. I have never cleaned my oven (although to be fair it has rarely been used). There are still pictures leaning against the wall that I've never bothered to put up.

*This post is brought to you by coffee, procrastination, and the numbers 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7

::cue Sesame Street theme song::

A day in the life of a dissertator…

A hypothetical (or is it?) scenario:

[Imagine thought bubble above head]: "Tag on shirt is scratchy. I should change, I want to be more comfortable when I work". *Goes to bedroom and finds shirt without itchy tag* "That's better".

"Wow, is my room a disaster! Ya know, that's going to bug me while I'm working, to know that my room is this messy. I'll clean up a little". *Changes sheets on bed, picks up shoes and clothing off of floor, dusts, swiffers floor, come up with new organization of items in dresser, alphabetizes perfume bottles.* "Ok, that is much better".

Wow, that took a long time. I'd better get back to work." *Goes back and sits down at table*. "Should really check email. And facebook, of course. Need to know what is going on". *3 hrs later after checking the news, friendstock, mafia wars, lil green patch, lil blue cove, playing word challenge, playing tetris, back to friendstock to get more tokens and boost, back to mafia wars again to rob a pimp…*

"Ok, seriously now, I must work on the dissertation". *Stomach grumbles* "Damn, I'm really hungry. I can't work without food. Food is fuel, after all. Need energy to work. And I've always wanted to make a soufflé…"

Ah, productivity at its finest.

So, it’s Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…

And I am up. I've been staying up ridiculously late…basically because I can. Then wake up ridiculously late, get to school at 2pm while feeling like a lazy schmuck. I then stay at school until 10:30 or so. 8 ½ hours of work isn't lazy schmuck-ish, but work that is done during the day seems to be more highly valued. People forget I go home at the time they go to bed and figure I head out at 4:30pm just like the most of the department. In actuality, no one probably notices/cares; 6^th year students are banished to the other side.

Actually, I get to school at 11am on Wednesdays for a meeting that I am rarely sufficiently prepared for. I spent all of the time in my office before I taught on Monday (a good 3 ½ hours) on teaching stuff. So I was going to work on my dissertation after. However, when I got back to my office at 9:30pm I was really, really tired. I stayed for another 45 minutes…working on teaching stuff.

Tuesday I was supposed to either 1) go to my office and work all day, or 2) stay at home and work all day. My subconscious, however picked option 3: Stay at home with articles sitting next to you without actually looking at them or open any written documents related to the dissertation while watching TV. After hearing of the monstrous snow storm expected (12-18", yo!) then 1) called Mom to complain, and 2) went grocery shopping. Majority of purchases were healthy and now she can sustain herself for the next day or so while potentially trapped in apartment (lol). I did need milk and *could* have used groceries, but I went out like I was going to starve to death if I didn't buy more food. I also spent 20 minutes putting on makeup, including eyeliner (which I rarely have the patience to put on and typically rub my eye and unknowingly smear it all over my face). I need to look my best while perusing the perishables.

Got back, watched a few episodes of Scrubs, wrote in my journal for awhile, chatted online, and ate dinner. Have no idea where rest of the time went. Suddenly around 11:30pm I started feeling a bit anxious. Somehow I didn't have the most productive of days. Therefore, I needed to polish my nails. Red. I haven't had polished nails since October and that was because of my sister's wedding. And when I do wear polish, it's usually like a really pale pink; the kind you can wear after half of it is chipped off without it looking horrible. Red is a bit high maintenance. I don't even wear red on my toes!

So they are polished. And they make my hands look even paler than they are which are quite ghostly. And seem a bit formal. While I've been a brunette, a blond, and a redhead (more auburn really) in the past year, somehow painting my nails red seems too attention-grabbing.

Yes, I've spent this long thinking about it. Why? I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow/today. I don't feel as prepared as I should be. I have done work, quite a bit actually, but nothing actually written…and not a whole lot considering hypotheses and whatnot. Been reading, thinking a little…still no real "proof" that I've been working. Gahhh!!! School may be canceled tomorrow, but I'm probably obligated to at least send an email about my ideas/what I've been working on. And no, I don't think attaching this blog would be a good way of showing proof of productivity.

So, I'm still up and compulsively eating a good deal of the groceries I bought earlier (See, I really did need to go shopping!) I've almost clicked on one of the several documents that contain ideas/writing dealing with my dissertation. However, I must check my friend stocks on Facebook, and then catch up on the PhD comics. So yeah, I'll probably be up all night. If the university doesn't close, I'll be really screwed.

Is a break really a break?

I haven't done much work lately – I keep believing that "the force" will come over me and I will suddenly be irresistibly drawn to the prospect of working 10 hours a day. Hell, how about 2 hours a day? That's more that I've been doing lately. Sad, but this has been the week between semesters – am I not entitled to a little (read: giant) break?

Breaks between semesters are seen very differently in undergrad vs. grad school. In undergrad, breaks were BREAKS; meaning no schoolwork, tests, and papers, anything school-related until the next semester began. In grad school….breaks are often not recognized or even noticed by students/faculty. Or should I say they are noticed (by students at least) but often must be disregarded due to a paper/thesis/dissertation/data collection, etc., that must be done. You know you're in grad school when you find yourself saying to yourself, "Sweet, winter break! Now I can catch up on my work and get ahead on my thesis! I'll be in great shape and not so stressed when the semester starts!" This is often followed by the break passing with little to none of your work getting done. So, you do get a "break" but feel guilty about not doing work every second of it. So you end up being even more stressed at the start of the next semester. You think, "even if I had spent 1hr a day, 1 HOUR, I wouldn't be in this mess. Why was that so hard for me?"

Of course, all of the above is what *I* end up thinking as well as conversations had with fellow grad students. I really wish I was one of these people. Person A: "I'm going to be really productive during the break. I'm also going to go see my grandma, my friend from college in Chicago, ski in Aspen, and redecorate my apartment". Person A actually achieves this, and also manages to volunteer for a soup kitchen on Christmas. Person A is a freakishly productive and organized over-achiever. I don't understand these people so well. I've never been an over-achiever. Well, maybe in elementary school, but after that….

Person B: "Screw this. This is a freakin' break. B-R-E-A-K. I'm not going to do ANYTHING school-related for the next 3 weeks. And I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks. They can call me lazy, but at least I'm going to manage to have fun in grad school once in awhile. ". Person B is a bad-ass. Or they are so freakin' jaded with school they don't care anymore (this is more typical for ABDers as it is damn near impossible to get kicked out now. Hell, getting kicked out sounds kinda good sometimes…)

I've been Person B before. The jaded, bitter person B. Hmm, jaded and bitter seems to be a very good description of how I've felt lately. So FYI: New 1^st years should stay away from me. Far, far away. And no, it's not that I don't like you guys; I think you are some of the coolest people I know that are 6 years younger than me. Ok, you might be the ONLY people I know that are 6 years younger than me. But still, you rock. I will crush your spirit.

On second thought, I have 5 years worth of grad school experience and I've learned (and experienced) a few things. Common thoughts:

• I'm not good enough to be in the program. It was a mistake – a clerical error. They are going to find out soon and kick me out.
  
  • Um, no. You're here for a reason. Do you know how much time faculty spend looking over applications? Seriously, get over it (okay, okay much more easier said than done)
    
• All of my classmates know more than I do.
  
  • Perhaps slightly. Everyone has different backgrounds and experiences. And research areas – the chick that keeps answering the prof's questions about performance appraisal may very well have done her honor's thesis on performance appraisal. You have experience in other areas.
    
• Why am I doing this to myself? WHY?
  
  • Can't answer this one…haven't figured it out myself.
    
• Will I ever have a real job?
  
  • Yes, you will. You may be 30 when it happens (I seem to be on this track) but it will happen.
    
• The people ahead of me know everything! They always know what they are doing.
  
  • Um, no. A thousand times no. We find ourselves confused as anyone on certain topics/projects (big secret: even profs don't even know what they are doing from time to time).
    
• Dude, are we seriously going to read all of those articles? Seriously?
  
  • Yes, yes you will. Learn to skim.
    
• What the hell is the speaker in the colloquium talking about? I don't know, but I should. I know I should. I must be really dumb/stupid/behind.
  
  • Absolutely not. Colloquia rarely are appropriate for all audience. I'm not saying you shouldn't go (you should, you really should; face time is important) but if you find yourself completely lost, it is okay. Colloquia are very rarely geared for 1^st year students.
    

There are even more that I can't remember at the moment. So feel free to approach me/comment, 1^st years. Just don't ask me about my dissertation.

Focus, focus, focus!

Here it is July 4^th….and I'm in my office at school. I'm over-caffeinated and have a very short attention span. Fireworks start at 9:45 & I already have a parking spot (I got here at 5). The parking deck is the best place to watch them. I really could have gotten these revisions done tonight, but I must drag everything out as long as possible

*stares at picture on bulletin board and notices the progression of highlights in her hair. Wonders how she got so blond. Happy she got some lowlights this time*

Geez, I can't even focus long enough to write this blog post without random thoughts coming to mind.

*gum has lost its taste. Must replace. Where is gum? Ah, found it. Spearmint. Where's the pina colada flavor? I guess spearmint will do*

Is it 9:30 yet? Going to watch fireworks at 9:30.

*chomps on gum and looks around for something to amuse her. Nothing is*

So, my goals this weekend are the finish the book chapter revisions and get a good start on a mini-proposal for my dissertation.

*wonders why she can never type "dissertation" right the first time. It always ends up being my "disseration". Ooh, pretty purple flowers on calendar for July. Not sure what kind though. Wikipedia?*

Well, I've got 14 minutes; I should do a little more work.

*Wonders how many she needs to spin in chair to make self dizzy? Decides to find out….whee! *

Gulp….

What happens when to try to cancel a meeting with your advisor (because you haven't done anything dissertation related in 3 weeks)…and he/she says no? Deep shit, my friend, deep shit. I (surprise!) happen to be in this current situation. I had initially said that I had "preliminary ideas that I would like to develop further before we meet". Sounds good, right? Unfortunately, my preliminary idea is one sentence. And I haven't bothered to search to find out if it's been done before. Nice work, nice work.

I think I'm just going to 'fess up to doing nothing about my dissertation while explaining that I've been out of town quite a bit and I have more immediate deadlines to meet. Somehow, I think that this explanation will not be enough. I'm preparing for him to rip me a new one. I kind of hope he does; I probably need it, and definitely deserve it. Hopefully, I won't cry (which I do way too easily) or get really sarcastic and uncomfortably self-deprecating.

Will update soon – meeting in 40 minutes.

I'm being productive....writing this list counts as productivity, right?

You know you’ve been in graduate school too long when…

You start telling people outside of school that it’s taking you so long to finish because you’re doing a “pre-doc”.

When you speak of your cohort, no one has ever heard of them.

You speak of buildings on campus that no longer exist.

When master’s students graduate, you get jealous, even though you already have the same degree.

Your former students finish graduate school before you do.

When you no longer go to the recruitment luncheon because you figure you’re leaving soon and they’ll never get to know you. In reality, they graduate before you.

When the faculty bar you from all contact with prospective students because you will scare them by your bitter ways.

When “I can sleep in as late as I want” is no longer a satisfying response to your friend that just told you they bought a new house/got a raise/had a baby/etc.

You miss taking classes.

Your office is relocated to a room at the end of a very long hallway. It is labeled “supply closet”. Your red swingline stapler is repossessed as well.

You carry around your dissertation articles in a laundry basket.

When you have to meet with your advisor in secret locations because he doesn’t want anyone else to know that it is he who has the 13th year graduate student.

When 3 different presidents have been elected and all of them served 2 terms.

When even your landlord starts wants you to be done and move out; the rest of the building was remodeled 3 years ago.

When the new assistant professor graduated high school during your 3rd year of grad school.

When people referred to you as ABD, they don’t mean all but dissertation; they mean “a big disaster”.

When you are spending your time writing this list instead of your dissertation

so much to do...so little time

Every once in awhile, i notice exactly how many distractions there are in life that seem useless. TV, for instance. I like some shows, but before i know it, my evening is gone. I could have done more productive things, like work. Or i could do something thats is enjoyable that i don't do enough of, such as working out, or crocheting, etc. Some more productive hobbies, i guess.

I've been avoiding some things that are unpleasant to do or that i don't think i'm going to do well. Naturally, these things make me feel worse and more anxious. I have had times in my life where i did what i was supposed to do during the day and rarely put off things. That was one of the best times of my life. I didn't feel guilty, i felt smart and accomplished; dependable. Now i just feel incompetent b/c i put off just about everything.

Maybe i'll treat it like a game - try to get as much done possible in a certain amt of time. This works more with cleaning and household stuff than schoolwork, but i'm going to try. Luckily, i get a great deal of satisfaction by crossing off something on my to-do list. I'm reading the personal efficiency program - maybe that will help me. or at least inspire me a little more.

First post...living up to my username

Procrastinating of course. I should be working on my disseration right now. I've got a meeting tomorrow and need to do a lot of work before that. I'm always afraid that i won't live up to expectations, so i leave everything last minute. After 5 years in grad school, you'd think i'd get it together, but no.

So, instead of working on said dissertation, i'm writing this entry (duh), watching an ANTM marathon (yeah, you can laugh), and eating compulsively. It's also almost 5:30pm. I tend not to do work at night, so....yeah.

I just need to get over this and do it; not think about it too much. I know i'll feel better if i do, but i guess i have a need to torture myself.

about me post coming soon...