Rough night/day

Yesterday, I had a fantastic day! Seriously, I love getting positive feedback, especially from someone I respect so much.

Last night was not so good. I went to bed and my stomach was kind of uncomfortable. Not painful exactly, but felt like things were not quite in the right place. It also was a little swollen. No biggie, I thought. It happens, I fall asleep, and it is usually better in the morning. Not last night.

Discomfort quickly progressed to pain. Severe pain. Shaking and sweating, I could barely get out of the fetal position to walk down the hall to take some pain medication. I took one and waited for it to kick in. An hour later, it was clear that it wasn't doing anything. So I took another...nothing. It took 4 hours to have any pain reduction at all. I went from a 9 (out of a 10 point scale) to about a 6. 6 isn't pleasant, but I can deal with a 6.

It was pretty scary - I've never had this medication not work for me. Ever. I'm terrified to eat anything today, so I'm going to stick to chicken broth, water, and possibly some yogurt if i feel I can handle it. I can't do 2 days in a row with that kind of pain.

In addition, to having a crappy night, I'm having a rather crappy day as well. I found out why my credit card company will start charging me an annual fee. Checked my credit report and scores ($29.95) and found that I had a past-due bill from last year for a radiologist. It had been sent to collections. I had gotten a notice last summer, but the charity application from the hospital was still processing, so I figured that it was covered through that. If I did have to pay, the collector would surely be on my ass, right? WRONG. I never got another notice. Did the collection agents for this company get trained? Isn't the first rule of being a collection agent to harass the hell out of people who owe money? Seriously, WTF?

Due to the collection notice on my account, my credit score dropped 125 points, from excellent to fair. In addition, I found out that I cannot get it removed from my credit report even though I'm going to pay it - it will be on there for 7 years. I have never made a late payment to ANYONE in since I established credit 12 years ago. Not one late payment. NOT ONE. And this one thing screws me over. Dammit.

Hoping the day will get better. I have managed to work on my dissertation thus far today. But I'm going back to bed if one more thing goes wrong today. Seriously.

The to-do list

Today, like many days, comes with a long to-do list. I seldom get through my to-do list for the day. I pretty much design it that way. Everything that I possibly need to do in one day, I put on the list. I'm not particularly bothered if I don't complete the list; I don't expect to.

But today I've got a long list as usual, but it comes with some big items. If I get these done today, it will really be a weight off of my back. The big ones are taxes, financial aid, and completing another draft of Chapter 1 of my dissertation. All are urgent and I am sick of worrying about them.

So taxes are up first. Even though I only made a meager amount on unemployment last year that I technically don't even have to report, I feel like it is a good idea to have a record of my (lack of income). So I'm filing anyway. It shouldn't take long, but I can't remember the password to the tax program that I use. So I'm waiting on them to email me the password. It has been over 45 minutes and I'm getting impatient. I procrastinate, but when I want to do something, I want to do it NOW. Geez.

Chapter 1 is honestly close to completion. I'd really prefer to send over another draft of the whole proposal, but I can't do that right now. Plus it is probably much easier to edit one chapter at a time. So I'm just going to focus on Chapter 1 and then worry about 2 & 3 another day (soon!).

So I'm off to do a whole bunch of stuff I dread doing, but I'll feel a whole lot better once they are done. I'll update later.

it's my life and I'll cry if i want to

The last couple of weeks have been stressful to say the least. There is some ambiguity in my current health status, although hopefully test will show a conclusive diagnosis. And there is the all-important question: How will I pay for all of this?

Like most people, I've developed a lot of anxiety over money. Money has been tight for some time; no employment will do that to people. I can't imagine finding a way to pay for medical expenses at this time. Even a small payment plan seems daunting.

And my dissertation is suffering from this. I think I'm using illness as an excuse not to work on it very much. I'm still doing it every day (yesterday was day 8), but not much work at all. Much less than I could do.

After a poor night's sleep complete with nightmares, I succumbed to a crying fit. And guess what? I felt better afterward. I know people mean well when they tell someone not to cry, but sometimes it is precisely what is needed. The act of crying isn't a horrible thing; the sadness, anxiety and frustration is what is bad. So what if a good cry is needed to refocus? Sometimes, it is exactly what I need.

the power of culture....

I've been back from Germany for about a month and a half now. The adjustment to living there took time. Surprisingly, so did the adjustment to coming back to the US.

It wasn't driving, or not walking everywhere that was hard to re-adjust to (although it was weird for a week or so). It was the changes in myself.

I came back from Germany a new person; with a new body (+20 lbs) and seemingly a new personality. I'm getting used to both right now. Not understanding the local language quiets even the most boisterous extrovert. Not to mention dampening my sense of humor...really hard to crack jokes in German if you don't actually speak, write or understand German.

Plus I've come back to a huge stack of medical bills...and an insurance company in which dropped me because I was "ineligible for coverage". They didn't determine that until I submitted a claim. Turns out I'm short one credit hour...and always have been! They never checked my enrollment, but issued me a new insurance card anyway. I'm gonna get a lawyer...if I can afford one. And I'm currently unemployed with no prospects on the horizon. *sigh*

I guess life could be a little (or a lot) easier right now. However, I'm with an amazing guy who makes everyday just a little bit easier...and a lot happier.

Trying to get caught up, illness trying to get the best of me.

What's even better than being away and trying to catch up on all the stuff that should have been done before I left as well as all of my current duties/work? Getting sick and trying to catch up with said duties/tasks/responsibilities. Not like a cold sick, but have a lovely case of the flu, complete with nausea (etc.), fever, exhaustion, and an incredibly fuzzy head. You know the fuzzy head feeling you get when you start to get/are sick? Not so much fun. Also, not being able to eat much has also greatly hindered my productivity.

I felt great on Friday – did a bunch of errands including hand-washing my car. Ambitious, yes. By about 9pm on Friday I felt horrible again. Yesterday I didn't feel great either. Today, not sure if I have a fever, but unless my apartment is actually less than 55 degrees, which is not likely, I probably have a fever. And the nausea is back in full force. Back to pretzels, applesauce and vernors. Oh and popsicles. Full of nutrients, I know. I just can't handle much else right now. The bright spot – I lost all of the weight I gained in B'ham and New Orleans!

Also, I have some wacky rental insurance issues – they are cancelling my policy for some unknown reason. And of course, business hours are only between 8 -4pm M-F. And my PayPal account was hacked into, leaving me minus $700. Luckily the case was resolved today (yay for PayPal working weekends!) and I have my money back. Was able to read an article yesterday. Not much, but it is something. Going to try to read a couple more, integrate some of the research into my dissertation, and grade papers which I promised my students I would have graded by tomorrow. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except that I decided to let them redo their papers if they wanted a higher grade. Thus, I need to give them time to do that, and the semester is almost over. Yeah, that's biting me in the ass now. So if I don't complete them on time, they are going to be mad that there is not enough time to revise them. If I hadn't offered that opportunity, they wouldn't care if they ever got their papers back, just so long as their grades are posted on the website. Oh well, I have this conscious when it comes to teaching; I have a need to go beyond what is required and I have to do the best job I can, regardless if it causes me stress. Even though these extra things that I do rarely end up in the student evaluations, I feel guilty if I don't do everything I can realistically do to make it a good class, to give students an opportunity to succeed without being too lenient with grading.

I should really get back to work on my dissertation, at least for a couple of hours. And should try to grade at least 1/3 of the papers today. Those are my goals. Also, I'm hoping to eat some "real" food today too, but unfortunately it doesn't appear that this will happen today.

Really hoping 2009 will get better…

Just a warning: this will probably be a depressing post.

As posted previously, I have failed to secure a job for this semester. Still looking, but it is depressing to get a tuition bill in the mail and not knowing how to pay it. I think I've also mentioned my battles with getting health insurance. It seems like I have to rely on the school's plan, which isn't very good. However, it is the only insurance I can get. One small issue (or I thought it was) is that I had a 9 day gap between my previous insurance (covered until Jan 1^st) and the school's insurance (Begins Jan 9^th).

Unfortunately, I've managed to hurt myself. I went for a run last night and when I started I hear a snap. It hurt a few steps, then it snapped again and it was ok. So I ran 1.5 mile on it. Stopped to walk and found that my knee felt really swollen and out-of-place. Got back to my apartment to find that my left knee was twice its normal size. And it felt really weird – full of fluid and unstable. But I could walk on it at that point. Been icing on and off and elevating my leg. Then I couldn't walk on it, or straighten my leg completely (not even close). Woke up this morning – it is worse. Apparently I couldn't sleep it off. Also, I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store. I've got food, but not much.

All of my symptoms point to a torn ACL. I'm really hoping there is another explanation, but I can't find any other injury that explains my symptoms. I'll keep you posted when I know what it is.

I'm going to wait until tomorrow to go to the school clinic to have it looked at. I'm just a bit worried how I'm getting to the clinic. I can't walk more than a few steps. Also they'll probably want me to get x-rays (couple hundred dollars) and an MRI (a couple thousand dollars). I'm wondering if I wait until the 9^th to get the tests done that the insurance will cover it, but I doubt it. Yet another pre-existing condition. Fabulous.

Also have relationship-ish (not really a relationship, but close) issues. Not sure if it's going to work out. I'm hoping to keep it casual and fun, but that might be difficult. Haven't talked/texted since having this conversation.

Ok good things…good friends, family. I know people are here for me.

I'm trying to keep the faith that things will get better. And I've made it through worse things. I'll get through this.

Happy holidays…not so happy unemployment

It appears that I will be unemployed next semester. I was supposed to teach a class, but only 3 students enrolled so it was cancelled. Bummer. Been looking at some other schools…I hope that someone has an open position somewhere. I really miss teaching already…its not the best paying job I can get, but I enjoy doing it. Sure, there are hassles involved (like all jobs) but it is the most rewarding job that I've ever done. Just for students to say they enjoyed the class means a lot to me. Plus I get used to seeing the same people every Tuesday and Thursday for 16 weeks; it seems a little weird not to. And a little sad that I probably won't ever see most of them again.

Needless to say, this lack of job thing has been a bit stressful. Especially during the holidays, when money is already tight (isn't it always for grad students?). I'm hoping I can find something part-time in the area; otherwise I may have to go and get that full-time job that I was planning to get when I finished my dissertation. There are no openings remotely close to akron, either. Not even adjoining states. Really don't want to do it, but I guess if I have to, I have to. Going to exhaust other options first.

Although this has sucked greatly, I really appreciate all of the help and support I've gotten from friends and family. Thanks J

feeling shizzy

oh, the fun of having the flu. I'm totally quarantined in my apartment. I totally want to get out, but 1) i don't want to spread my germs and 2) I actually don't feel up to it. Strangely, i did yesterday, although i had a fever and i don't now. And to quote my (also sick) bf, "sicky is icky".

Meeting with advisor is tomorrow. Don't want him to think I'm dodging him. Want to face him, well face-to-face, to deal with the conference thing as well as present what i'm thinking. I'm currently not done with the thinking though :)

Got another bill from the hospital. Still over $3,700. ick.