where my girls at?

...is a question I've been asking myself for awhile. Due to my absence most weekends in the AK, I've really not had much of a social life.

Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty girls to hang with (if their/my schedule permits) in my home state. But here....here I'm kind of alone.

Sure, there are department gatherings...but I feel like I'm a relic from earlier times. An artifact of year's past. Everyone I've met in the department are great....but there is a clear age gap. I need some ladies my own age to hang with. And I mean ladies. I need a ladies' night. Badly. I need to make more of an effort to find those ladies.

hiding...somewhere

Back to writing, back to...painting? I did every once in a blue moon before I moved. I found my painting stuff and had at it with my watercolors.

I am not an artist, nor do I claim to be, but there is something inherent in me that just paints...not thinking. I like that, being confident in what I'm doing, knowing that no one else will see the painting, so I can do what i like; that it is MY creation. I paint what i feel, so it's usually pretty abstract.

Painting can bring up emotions. I started just having a little fun, not really painting much of anything. Suddenly I became overcame with tears. Not like a few...but wrenching, sobbing, scare the neighbors type crying. Why?

I think painting was an escape valve for my emotions. In Germany, I became a "stuffer"; someone that does not show her emotions. This is very much unlike me but it is an example of how powerful culture is in shaping our behavior.

When I was in Germany, a number of things happened. The most difficult, however, was the loss of a good friend from college; someone who I saw daily. We had lost touch, but that didn't minimize the hurt of losing her. Sure, I tried a little at times, but always having roommates and not wanting anyone to see me upset, I swallowed the lump in my throat and went on with my day.

I've not really given myself the chance to fully grieve her loss. I was not able to attend her funeral or her memorial service. I did write a letter to her family and visited her grave....but I haven't really felt it for more than a few minutes at a time, then everything would shut off. My grief has been like a faucet that automatically shuts off...like my brain is like, "Ok, 2 minutes is enough. No more".

I forgot how much I missed her until today. I haven't thought of her in a long time. I haven't wanted to...I can't think about her without bringing up the anger I have. She was only 30. IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR.

I try to think about what a wonderful person she was, how inspiring she was. But I can't seem to get over the "was". Not "is", but "was". It's been over 3 months, but today it feels fresh, like it happened yesterday.

I love and miss you, dear friend. This colorful, abstract, nonsensical watercolor is for you <3

Hmmmm...

So my attention has been mostly turned to getting ready for the internship. All of these things that i "must do" I've put off. I do have a month, but it's only a month!!!!! and half of it will be spent in MI, around family and friends.

Other things have been occupying my brain. When are friends just friends? when are friends more than friends? And what about the middle ground? Do your feeling change because you want them to...or someone else wants them to? Or there are no feelings at all. Is it the loneliness? Can a spark grow where there was no spark before?

When I was young and naive, I thought there were 2 levels of relationships between me and a boy: friend or boyfriend. I was never told about the weird in-between space I seem to wind up in frequently.

A good deal of this is due to my fear of commitment (yes, chicks have this affliction too). I like companionship, I like pure and simple platonic friendships. I have a lot of male friends. I'm used to it. I like beer and sports and have been told more than a few times that "You think like a guy". Many of you would argue that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between men and women. Although I respectfully disagree, I will admit that some of my good friends today are those in which attraction on one (or both) sides once existed.

Many times those feelings fade. You found out more about this person and determine that you would be incompatible or to be completely honest, found that they do some things that you do not like. Despite these things, they are still worthy of being your friend.

I never seem to know what I have or don't have. I don't seem to have clarity about where I've stood with guys that I have been involved with in the past. In some ways it is exciting, however. Perhaps I crave that excitement. But there are the times where I want to cut out all of the bullshit and figure out what is really going on.

I'm not one to jump into a relationship quickly. There is so much pressure to be in one at my not-so-tender age. And once you're in own, people hound you to get married. And i might end up spending THE REST OF MY LIFE with a guy. Holy crap! That is terrifying. Will I always be terrified by this???

Comfort foods

Its been so evident to me lately how strong the relationship is between food and memory. I've been finding myself seeking out foods that remind me of people I miss or pleasant situations. For my sister, it is sour gummy worms. I remember her eating an entire bag of them in the Walmart parking lot when we were younger. Whenever I eat any, I think of her.

For my brother, it is pizza rolls. Although I typically do not buy them myself; it only seems appropriate to take down half a box of them when we are hanging out.

This came to mind as I am eating a black bean veggie burger with ketchup, hold the bun. It reminds me of a friend I haven't seen in awhile, and the last time I did we had a great time together. Other things that reminds me of friends are cheese-filled garlic breadsticks, omelets, taco bell (numerous occasions and people), peanut butter cups, rum balls, lazy pancakes...and probably many more that I cannot remember at the moment.

Each time I eat any one of these foods I feel like these people are closer to me or I remember the situation in which we both consumed them or who would make them for me. Sometimes it causes me sadness, such as the softbatch chocolate cookies and sprite that my Grandpa would always have for us whenever we came over. He is no longer with us, but anytime I have either I think of him. I try to drink the sprite out of a plastic glass as he always served it to us. I've been missing him a lot lately, although it has been 9 years since he passed away. I know that he would be proud of all I've accomplished and excited that I would be going to Germany. He emigrated from there in 1929. He could help me with my German for sure :-)

I suppose I'm just feeling nostalgic and remembering that I have a lot of people that I miss. Food seems to help somewhat; feeling closer to those people brings up some memories and shenanigans that we engaged in :-)

It isn’t what you say; it’s how you say it.

I've had a couple of instances in the last couple of days for which inspired this post. The first was a chat with a friend. The second was an email I received from a student. In both cases, while I didn't LIKE what they wrote, the sentiment itself didn't piss me off. What pissed me off was how it was worded. "You can't leave it be, can you?" [something to that effect…definitely including the 'can you?" which I find offensive] in reference to a situation in which I hadn't fully described. Immediately, I became defensive. I was also quite upset before this whole thing started. I was just looking for someone to listen/read since I had had quite a bad day. While I don't believe what he meant was malicious, it came across as a scolding, a lecture. Not what I wanted to read at 3am. Thus, I got pissed and signed off, saying I was going to bed (wasn't really).

The email I received was very accusatory, stating that I was very unfair. Note the *I*. In my many years of grad school, I learned that feedback is best given at the task level (Kluger & DeNisi, 1996). Thus, a better way of getting the message across without making me defensive would be, "I feel that [whatever the student thinks is unfair. i.e. how the homework is graded] is unfair. Not referring to me, my personal characteristics, but to my actions. Big difference. I spent several hours this evening really pissed off about it.

Using email/chat to convey emotions is tricky. While something may not be meant as malicious may come across that way. It is based on how the reader interprets it, which can be partially influenced by current mood. I overreacted to both, no doubt about it. However, people should be conscious about how they come across to others, particularly through written communication. I'm sure I'm guilty of this as well; perhaps coming across a little blunt. I'm terrible at ending emails, so I often sign off without any sort of closing. I need to work on that. And stop overreacting.

Thanksgiving…

I had a lovely thanksgiving break. I ran the turkey trot on thanksgiving morning, had the traditional thanksgiving foods, and hung out with friends. I didn't do as well as I would have liked (1:04:54) but I did finish. I'll go for a new PR next time, I suppose. A couple of friends came down to watch me run and I ran into some friends I hadn't seen in a long time. It was a lot of fun.

I'm sorta seeing one of the guys that went to see me run. He's a great guy and it really meant a lot to me that he'd go watch me (and drag a friend!). It is funny really; I'd planned on being single for quite some time, perhaps a year or so. Although I am not sure how to classify relationship status at this point; I guess we shall see…

“It’s been a DECADE!!!”

This was the response one of my high school classmates made after I told him I was still in school. I also had the joy of explaining to people exactly what industrial/organizational psychology is. For those of you also in this field, you know how tiring this gets. After a while, I began saying "psychology" when people asked what I was going to school for. Of course, I got the "you're analyzing me right now, aren't you?". Or asked what kind of therapy I was going to do. *sigh*. Someone needs to come up with a generic response to the question, "What does an I/O psychologist do?" in 2 sentences or less, in a way that everyone will understand what you mean. If you do come up with something, do share.

Really, this didn't annoy me that much. Most people thought it was cool that I was getting my PhD...or at least that it wasn't pathetic to still be in school (including the classmate mentioned above; he was joking). I had an awesome time catching up with people. People actually remembered me too; I wasn't sure that they would.

It was not an "official" reunion, but it was good to reconnect with those who were there. As I suspected, many people were married and a good number had children as well. There were a few of us that were single (thankfully – I needed people that could relate). And I revealed a crush I had in elementary school (had to get it off my chest; I've kept the secret for 16 years!).

At the end of the night, 8 of us ended up at Coney Island. It was the weirdest combination of people to be hanging out – it never would have happened in high school! It was hilarious! I also learned that a Hani with bacon is awesome…are there any National Coney Islands in OH?

Nope, I just looked at their website. Bummer.

Friends…

Every time I need someone, I'm surprised how many people are there. Or would be there, if I asked. I scroll through my phonebook, there are many that I feel like I can call…even at 3am. Sometimes, people really, really surprise me. Like driving a good distance to see me when all I needed was a friend and a night out.

I know I haven't been a lot of fun lately, and a lot of my responses to "How are you?" have been "stressed", "overwhelmed", or "lonely". I'm just trying to get back on track at school…and in the rest of my life. I'm frustrated with myself often and use this as a sounding board. I hate that sometimes I get so caught up in my own life that I forget about other people.

So, let me be the one you can call at 3am. I want to be there.

Barf, sweat, & tears

I'm still in b'ham. I managed to get food poisoning on Monday. Of course, I had to order the biggest sushi/sashimi combo that the restaurant had. Apparently, bad idea. I'd been feeling pretty bad the last couple of days. Thus, I've been spending a lot of my time in my hotel room (i.e. not going out and meeting new people) – although I have managed to do all of my assessments. Thus, I am alone. Alone time means think time. Think time means sad time. Feeling bad physically makes it much worse.

I hadn't been able to work out (run) in 2 days. People have told me recently that I really must be dedicated to work out so often. I don't think about it that way. Dedication is very controlled, very prescribed, focused and goal-oriented. That's not how I feel before I go for a run. I feel the need to run. I feel out of control. I feel like I need my body to keep pace with all of the thoughts going through my head. When I'm running, I feel like they match. After I'm done, all of the bad thoughts aren't always erased, but almost always more manageable. I'm calmer. I feel at least like I accomplished SOMETHING. Luckily, I was able to run today.

Especially now, when I have a lot on my mind, I've needed to work out every day just to keep my emotions in check. Oh, and of course I've cried. I just get to a point where it the crying seems to feed itself. Trust me, I'm a big proponent of getting my feelings out, but there comes a point in which crying is no longer helpful. I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to cry. That's okay. I'm just not going to let it consume me. There are too many other good things in life I'll miss out on if I feel sad & guilty all of the time.

So, this blog is *supposed* to be about grad school, so maybe I should just say that I'm totally stalled on my dissertation (on my end, not my advisor's). I think I just need to spend the last couple of the weeks of summer not working. I'm not focused right now and sitting at my desk for 8 hours staring at my computer screen and checking facebook every 15 minutes is not increasing my self-efficacy. I just want to do the absolute bare minimum to prepare for teaching and not worry about school for a few weeks. I thought that perhaps work may be a distracter, but it's not working well. I can't seem to pour myself into my work and become a workaholic. A workoutaholic maybe. But not a workaholic. I'll start fresh the beginning of the fall semester. I just don't want to feel like I'm failing anymore.

Difficult situations are not fun, but it really makes me feel grateful for all of my friends and support that I have. It continually surprises me how many people come forward when I'm having difficulty in my life. I am unbelievably lucky to have all of you. Thank you. I love all of you.