Hmmmm...

So my attention has been mostly turned to getting ready for the internship. All of these things that i "must do" I've put off. I do have a month, but it's only a month!!!!! and half of it will be spent in MI, around family and friends.

Other things have been occupying my brain. When are friends just friends? when are friends more than friends? And what about the middle ground? Do your feeling change because you want them to...or someone else wants them to? Or there are no feelings at all. Is it the loneliness? Can a spark grow where there was no spark before?

When I was young and naive, I thought there were 2 levels of relationships between me and a boy: friend or boyfriend. I was never told about the weird in-between space I seem to wind up in frequently.

A good deal of this is due to my fear of commitment (yes, chicks have this affliction too). I like companionship, I like pure and simple platonic friendships. I have a lot of male friends. I'm used to it. I like beer and sports and have been told more than a few times that "You think like a guy". Many of you would argue that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between men and women. Although I respectfully disagree, I will admit that some of my good friends today are those in which attraction on one (or both) sides once existed.

Many times those feelings fade. You found out more about this person and determine that you would be incompatible or to be completely honest, found that they do some things that you do not like. Despite these things, they are still worthy of being your friend.

I never seem to know what I have or don't have. I don't seem to have clarity about where I've stood with guys that I have been involved with in the past. In some ways it is exciting, however. Perhaps I crave that excitement. But there are the times where I want to cut out all of the bullshit and figure out what is really going on.

I'm not one to jump into a relationship quickly. There is so much pressure to be in one at my not-so-tender age. And once you're in own, people hound you to get married. And i might end up spending THE REST OF MY LIFE with a guy. Holy crap! That is terrifying. Will I always be terrified by this???

Years down the road...wait, I'm there already???

When I started graduate school, I didn’t know what to expect several years down the road. I couldn’t imagine surviving past the 1st year! But I have. Hasn’t always been pretty, but I have.

One thing that helped me get through the first few years was my cohort. We went to the same classes, saw each other every day and hung out with each other on the weekends. We had Thursday nights at Don Pablos ($2.50 margaritas!) and spent a heck of a lot of time at 69 Taps, Jillians, Brubakers, and yes, Posh (its called Lux now). Bowling at Stonehedge, Luigi’s at 3am, and of course some kickin' parties at people’s apartments.

It's different now. Dissertating is a lonely process. We don’t have a “dissertation class” to go to where we see each other a couple of times a week. We work on this at home, or in offices far removed from the rest of the I/O side. Not that I don't appreciate my counseling office neighbors, it is nice to have people in the same situation as oneself. I never knew how lonely things would get. I never thought that I would be more unhappy as an ABD than i was studying for comps! At least with comps, we were all doing the same thing, at the same time. Also, still being in classes, we had a lot of moral support. Although there are plenty of others working on their dissertations still, a number are several years below me...so i never really see any of these people. I suppose it is my fault, I haven't exactly reached out to others.

Perhaps i need to acknowledge that things have changed, people have changed, the department has changed. I can't seem to let go of what was. In addition, I have a fear of getting too attached to others because it will suck when I (eventually) leave.

I hate saying goodbye. I avoid goodbye parties for people that I will miss very much, even though I would like to see them off. I detach early - it will hurt me less. It is a very selfish perspective to take.

And thanksgiving is upon us...

The year has gone by so fast. I'll be in Germany in a month and a half...so much to do yet. Also thinking of how things were last year at this time.

The big thing is while I have friends to come home to, but there is no one else. Last year at this time I was in this crazy infatuation phase with an amazing guy. And things didn't work out...not in the way I thought they would. But nothing came from it. Perhaps nothing should.

I've been surprised at how lonely I get sometimes. I'm used to living alone, doing things alone, being alone. Somehow it is different now. This is not to say that I don't hang out with friends; I do. But I like to take care of myself as much as possible. And I'm not afraid to go to events without a date. I'm used to being a solo act.

Currently I feel jaded; about relationships and life in general. Getting out of here for awhile will probably do wonders for me. I know my life is good...I just want to appreciate how good it really is.

Sometimes you just have an epiphany…

I realized, as I was washing the pile of dirty dishes (and shaking my booty to Usher), that I am happy. Happy. I'm happy with myself. I crack myself up that I feel so happy doing dishes (you'd think I'd do them more often; I often wait until I'm eating cereal out of my 4 quart mixing bowl).

Sometimes I feel like I'm behind in life. I've often been late to do things. Given my age (28), many of my friends are married and have children. That is a wonderful but I often wonder 2 things: 1) when the hell will I ever be ready for that?, or 2) it would really be nice to have that cozy little family; to be settled. Lately, I've been stuck on the latter. I've been in school, gotten a couple of degrees, but I haven't bound myself legally to someone nor created a person. I guess I don't think about it too much, but creating another human being? That's amazing.

I guess you could say I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I got out of a long-term relationship 5.5 months ago. I'm not really missing that particular relationship per say (wonderful guy, just not right for me), but having that comfort being part of a couple and all the benefits that it entails. I see everyone's Facebook pictures of their wedding, their adorable kids. At times I feel frivolous, that what I'm doing is not important. Some people are making humans and taking care of them; I'm typing on a computer to write a paper that's going to be read by no more than 10 people.

When I was a child, I always wanted to be older, to have more privileges, to stay up later, to drive, to live on my own. It had to be great to do anything you wanted to whenever you wanted. And of course, like everyone else, I enjoyed the freedom, but also realized all of the responsibilities I had once I was an adult. And eating Taco Bell every day for a week got a little old (actually, I'm surprised I survived a week of Toxic Hell).

Lately I've only been thinking about the responsibilities, the obligations, the expectations that being an independent adult entails. All the stuff that I have to do. Bills, getting jobs, cleaning my apartment, making myself look like a responsible adult. All of that. I've forgotten about that childhood dream about having the freedom to stay out as late as I want, eating candy for breakfast, and having my own car, my own mobility.

And since I do live alone, I can do all sorts of weird stuff that other people don't see. I can dance around my bedroom to whatever comes over the radio. And I can sing along (anyone that's ever heard me sing knows that they don't want to be in earshot. I could give some of the tragic American Idol contestants a run for their money). I can try out weird booty shaking moves that should never be done in public (although I usually end up breaking those out after several glasses of wine at a wedding. Unfortunate, especially if the lucky couple has a videographer). I can eat cereal for dinner and no one will say anything. I can watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" without shame.

I've luckily had the good fortune to be able to teach this semester. Yeah, some things/people can get annoying (usually minor), but I love to teach. And I love that I have an audience to spout off to for 6 hrs a week. And I always have stories. Teaching is ALWAYS ripe for stories whether it's something weird a student does/says or that I do. If any of my former students are reading you probably have witnessed a few of them. Most of the funniest things usually come from a ridiculous statement/question/request one-on-one or a disaster barely averted (usually wardrobe malfunction). I actually had 2 students from 2 different classes 4 years apart utter the statement, "I am a very mature 20." One of them was prefaced by "you're not that old". Oh dear.

I have of these possibilities and opportunities, both personal and professional. All of these things that I CAN DO and that I HAVE NOW. I'm living in the present for a change.

Now if I'll you excuse me, I'm off to have Hershey's kisses and Christmas Ale for dinner.

So why aren’t you grilling something?

After a long, aimless drive (I do that sometimes), I decided to go to chipotle. Yummy. When I get to the cash register to pay for my burrito bol, the guy at the cash register says; "hey, why aren't you out grilling something?" Incredulous, I reply, "Because I have no grill, yard, patio, or balcony". Who asks something like that? Who asks something like that when you are purchasing food?

I've spent this weekend catching up on some things and getting some sleep. I'm no longer sick (*knocks on wood). I just needed a relaxing weekend to quell my anxieties about school/teaching/life. It's helping. If I'm prepared this week, it will go soooo much better than last week.

Ok, that's b.s. I haven't done any work this weekend, and I've stayed up way too late. The no longer sick thing is true, however. I'm just as anxious (due to lack of work done) and dreading the upcoming week. I also feel a little lonely. Why, I'm not sure. I did spend the weekend alone, but I'm usually cool with that. I talked to my folks, but it didn't seem to help.

Well, I shouldn't feel lonely tomorrow – there will be plenty of people around me then…