Motivation: shame and excitement

I just got back from a conference yesterday (was actually supposed to be Sunday, but I'll get into that later). It was great to see old friends, make new friends, and learn a few things. But the biggest thing I got out of the conference in motivation to finish my dissertation.

There were people that were attempting to motivate me say the usual, "You're almost done", "Just get it done!", "When will you be done" and "Wait, you aren't finished yet?" Let's just say shame is not the best motivator for me and I had a hard time constantly dealing with these questions/comments. My answers? "Yes", "I will", "When it is done", and "Not quite. So I have have a request (for me and others): Please, please, please stop asking when my dissertation will be done!!!!!! Seriously, the entire planet will know when I've finished!

While the former tactics caused embarrassment and shame rather the motivation, there was an aspect to the conference that did motivate me. Namely, the prospect of getting a job. While I've always known that I'd be working after i finished, this particular conference (since so many friends were interviewing) really hit home with me. I want a job! I need to finish my dissertation to get a job! So, lets get going!

I did not do the job placement myself, mostly due to not being in a great place with my dissertation to pursue a full-time big girl job. Once my data is collected however, that will be an appropriate time to start really looking for employment.

Switching topics a bit, I mentioned earlier in the post that I was supposed to get home on Sunday instead of yesterday. The flight I scheduled to be on was oversold. Vouchers for future travel were being offered, first $100, then $150. I volunteered, but I've done so before and never got a chance to be bumped.

I did in fact get chosen. I figured that I'd be on the next flight, which left at 6pm (my original flight left at 4pm). Turns out the next flight that had room was at 6am yesterday. And they'd put me up in a hotel (the Hilton at the airport - very nice!), give me some food vouchers, and a voucher for $200 of my next Continental flight. Score!!!!! Sometimes being ABD and having no set schedule does pay off. So I got home yesterday morning with plans for another trip :-)

So I'm off to work on my dissertation - I have a feeling I'll be making a lot of progress :-)

The aftermath of a few days away...

Sooo, I just got back from Tampa - I was visiting my wonderful SO. I had a good time, forgot about my responsibilities for 8 days. Then I came home. Everything that I'd left was waiting for me (of course).

I had planned on working on a presentation and my dissertation while I was gone. My SO was gone all day for work, so surely I could have cranked out a few hours of work. Welllll, I found other things more interesting, like Busch Gardens, the Dali Museum, local cuisine, and being lazy. So the 8 day came and went, with no progress on anything, except for seeing some sites and spending some quality time with my SO for the 1st time in 6 weeks.

At this time, I'm trying to catch up. I've got a presentation to give on Tuesday unrelated to my dissertation. And of course, the dissertation itself. But I'll be leaving again on Thursday for a conference. Granted, I'll probably be able to get in some presentation/posters that are related to my dissertation (hopefully none TOO related), but I know most of the time will be spent "networking". Which includes actual networking, but also a lot of catching up with old friends, drinking, and eating plenty of deep-dish pizza.

Time to get back to work - I need to get some more stuff done before my butt goes numb from sitting in this stupid chair from my dining room table. You'd think I would have invested in a proper office chair long ago; but no, my massive amount of education has made no impact on me procuring necessary office equipment for a suitable place to write.

All road trips come to an end…

So, I'm home. All of my stuff is still here (yay!) and so are the messes (boo!). Kinda tired right now but a few highlights on the drive:

Fangboner Rd (mile 91 on I-80 in ohio)

Welcome to Ohio…

(next sign)

Welcome Center: 48 miles

My head is fried right now…I'll update more later.

Road Trip!

So, was at my parent's late Friday until early Sunday. Got to eat, go shopping. Fun stuff. I decided go on a whim – gathered up a week's worth of stuff and got out of there. I'm in Chicago now for a couple of days. However, I still feel like driving around after that. Not sure even where to go. I just want to go. I need to remember, however, that I need to drive myself back as well!!!

I love the feeling of having no strings: at least for this week. No one needs me in Akron; no pets, people, or even plants J I am totally free! It's not too often that I can actually say that. Different story next week, as the semester starts and I will be teaching 2x a week. Luckily, it will be the middle of the week, so I'll still have time for road trips...hopefully.

I should really pay attention

I'm back home after spending the week in b'ham doing assessments. Met some really cool people, per usual. I didn't get a chance to get to know them as I well as I would have liked to, however. Still, it was a pretty good trip (despite food poisoning!). I managed to get back on time, and US Air didn't lose my bag (I've never had one get lost – but I have a phobia of checking baggage)! Come to think of it, they didn't even charge me for checking it! Traveling to & from b'ham went as scheduled!!! I can't remember the last trip I've taken without at least one (usually severely) delayed flight.

One small incident, however. My flight left at 8am, and I caught the hotel shuttle at 6. Going to sleep early the night before didn't pan out, so I was really sleepy. I fell asleep immediately on the first flight – like right when I sat down; I don't even remember taking off. I do, however, remember landing. That's when I woke up…when we landed (and I was asleep leaning on the window) I slid forward and hit my head on the seat in front of me. Not hard, mind you, but enough to make my seatmate chuckle (and tried to stifle it; how polite). Apparently, I fell asleep so fast I forgot to tighten the seatbelt. Ooops.

Barf, sweat, & tears

I'm still in b'ham. I managed to get food poisoning on Monday. Of course, I had to order the biggest sushi/sashimi combo that the restaurant had. Apparently, bad idea. I'd been feeling pretty bad the last couple of days. Thus, I've been spending a lot of my time in my hotel room (i.e. not going out and meeting new people) – although I have managed to do all of my assessments. Thus, I am alone. Alone time means think time. Think time means sad time. Feeling bad physically makes it much worse.

I hadn't been able to work out (run) in 2 days. People have told me recently that I really must be dedicated to work out so often. I don't think about it that way. Dedication is very controlled, very prescribed, focused and goal-oriented. That's not how I feel before I go for a run. I feel the need to run. I feel out of control. I feel like I need my body to keep pace with all of the thoughts going through my head. When I'm running, I feel like they match. After I'm done, all of the bad thoughts aren't always erased, but almost always more manageable. I'm calmer. I feel at least like I accomplished SOMETHING. Luckily, I was able to run today.

Especially now, when I have a lot on my mind, I've needed to work out every day just to keep my emotions in check. Oh, and of course I've cried. I just get to a point where it the crying seems to feed itself. Trust me, I'm a big proponent of getting my feelings out, but there comes a point in which crying is no longer helpful. I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to cry. That's okay. I'm just not going to let it consume me. There are too many other good things in life I'll miss out on if I feel sad & guilty all of the time.

So, this blog is *supposed* to be about grad school, so maybe I should just say that I'm totally stalled on my dissertation (on my end, not my advisor's). I think I just need to spend the last couple of the weeks of summer not working. I'm not focused right now and sitting at my desk for 8 hours staring at my computer screen and checking facebook every 15 minutes is not increasing my self-efficacy. I just want to do the absolute bare minimum to prepare for teaching and not worry about school for a few weeks. I thought that perhaps work may be a distracter, but it's not working well. I can't seem to pour myself into my work and become a workaholic. A workoutaholic maybe. But not a workaholic. I'll start fresh the beginning of the fall semester. I just don't want to feel like I'm failing anymore.

Difficult situations are not fun, but it really makes me feel grateful for all of my friends and support that I have. It continually surprises me how many people come forward when I'm having difficulty in my life. I am unbelievably lucky to have all of you. Thank you. I love all of you.

Owie.

I'm in b'ham – been here since yesterday afternoon. New folks are cool, definitely will have fun. Got some work to do this week though.

I've managed to totally overdo it at the hotel gym. My arms are killing me? Why, I don't know. I usually use 8lb weights for most arm exercises. I used 5lb weights today. Granted, I haven't done weight work as often as is should, but I get a session in once a week at the least. It even hurts to type. I need to dry my hair, but I'm not sure if my arms will hold out! Seriously, I should not be this sore!

May go out – I missed out on dinner since I spent so much time at the gym. Had to work out though – I always feel better if I do. That way I can eat cookies tomorrowJ.

Boring stuff today – maybe I'll have great stories tomorrow…

Taking the puffy red-eye…

I'm back after a weekend in LA for a wedding. Our 10:30pm flight from LAX ended up taking off at 1:26am – that's Pacific Time! We didn't get back to Columbus until almost 9am and didn't get back home until 12:30 pm today. Still pretty tired. And sad. The trip marked the beginning of a lifelong relationship for some (the bride & groom) and unfortunately, the end of a relationship for us.

The wonders of air travel...

After a trip to Savannah to visit my Grandma, I’m back in Akron. Actually, I’ve been back since Thursday night. I actually had a fairly good experience flying United. My flights were on time, even early except for one. And I connected at O’Hare? When does that happen? I was supposed to connect in Dulles, then O’Hare, and then back to Akron. The flight to Dulles was delayed and the gate agent automatically rebooked me straight to Chicago, with an exit row seat! Talk about southern hospitality! I did, however, have to spend 5 hours in the Savannah airport. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very nice airport. But it is very small – 15 gates. I did get a good nap on my backpack though.

Once I got to Chicago, I had 2.5 hours to kill. I ended up walking most of it – finally got some exercise after a week of not running J . The shuttle bus that I had to take to get to another terminal was crazy! It haphazardly drove on the tarmac, zipping past planes being towed to/from that gate!

The flight to Akron was…interesting to say the least. When the gate agent announces “Attention passengers: I have some news for you”, it can never be good. It turns out the air-conditioning was broken! We did have the option of rebooking the next day. I considered it, but I was tired and just wanted to get back home. Another announcement was made that it was currently 95 degree in the aircraft…great. Luckily, I had a tank top on underneath my long sleeved shirt (I’m usually cold on planes), and I was sitting in 2D (still coach, small plane). I did get some breeze when the door was open. I can’t imagine how hot the people in the back must have been!

We sat there for awhile before takeoff – say 30 minutes or so. The air-conditioning was working once we were in flight – yay! Luckily, I was seated near to people that had a sense of humor. I always seem to be lucky in that respect, whether I make the first snide comment or not. The guy next to me was an industrial engineer and we talked about I/O stuff on the way back. Good conversation, for sure. I’m sure I annoyed people that were trying to sleep.

A sidenote that I forgot to mention – I almost got arrested at the Akron/Canton airport on the way there! My backpack had to be gate-checked last minute, so I got off the plane to give it to the guy loading the luggage on the plane (it was one of those you board using the stairs). I got too close to the wing and when I got back on; the flight attendants told me that normally they arrest people for that. I had to promise to never do it again. The flight attendant from that flight ended up being on the flight on my way back too! I avoided her gaze…

I’ll be going to LA Friday through Sunday this week. Direct from C-bus. Kind of a drive, but the only ticket I could afford. Red-eye w/middle seat on the way back. Hopefully I’ll be too tired to care…

I'm back...and i want to leave again

Nothing like getting back from a weeklong trip to find all of the things that you should have done before you left/while you were gone waiting for you. Yikes. I'm hoping to go see my family this weekend too.

My trip back from 'bama was even more eventful than the way there: lightning, brief airport closures, long delays, plane pulling over and parking, not having a guaranteed seat on one of the flights, plane circling for a half hour over the airport due to storms, almost falling asleep standing up, staying in the hotel at the pittsburgh airport. Good times.

Also, I got selected for a "random" security screening...again. Wtf? I guess the law of averages was catching up with me; I'd never been selected before. Just so you know, if you get a boarding pass with SSSS on it, you are the lucky recipient of a thorough security screening. At least I didn't get patted down this time. And I feel bad for the TSA people that had to rifle through my suitcase of dirty laundry - with my sweaty running clothes on top. No wonder they wear gloves.

I did end up getting on the flight I wanted, I eventually got back home, albeit 12 hours after I planned to. And I had a great time and met a lot of awesome people. We even found the liquor store; something not quite accomplished last time I was there. All in all, it was a good trip.

6:08

Although I'm not actually in Birmingham yet, I've already had an eventful trip. Left for Pittsburgh Airport a little late. Got to the airport, finally found a parking spot and then waited for the shuttle. After 10 minutes, shuttle was not even in sight. I was parked in the far reaches of the economy lot – basically as far away from the terminal as you can get. Decided to walk. I see shuttle, yay! I wave the driver down…and he blows right past me. Are you kidding? The shuttle didn't look very full either. Ended up walking to the terminal, which took like 20 minutes. Got my boarding pass, security line is a little long, but not bad.

I go through the typical hassle of removing shoes/liquids/laptop. Walk through, give my boarding pass to the security agent…and was promptly told to go wait in a little glass room – I had been the lucky recipient a thorough search (pat-down included). It seems to take forever, and of course I look nervous; I was afraid I'm miss my flight! Finally, after about 20 minutes, I'm cleared to go. I had exactly enough time to go to the bathroom and buy a bottle of water before boarding.

So, I'm on the plane, I didn't drop my carry-on on anyone's head, and my ridiculously overstuffed backpack actually fits underneath the seat. All seems well until I hear the horrible hacking cough of…the guy in the seat next to me. The cough, along with nose-blowing and sniffling continued through the flight. In addition, there was a really, really cranky baby that was crying at the top of his/her lungs for 75% of the flight. Can't help that though, try to relax and keep my face turned away from Mr. Cough. I began to relax and nod off. Ok, this isn't so *THUMP*. Must have been putting down tray table. It continues. The kid behind me is kicking my seat. I say nothing, as her parents will surely tell her to stop and perhaps apologize. They do not.

Seated behind and across the aisle is a very well-groomed, well-mannered woman; kind of the stereotypical southern belle (all she needed was the hat). She must have been very inexperienced with gum-chewing – I thought it was the kid that was making the smacking noises. It was her!!!

I land in Charlotte and immediately get a text message that my flight to b'ham is delayed until 5:04. Ok, that's not too bad. It was an hour delay, but I initially had a tight connection (45ish minutes). I check the departure monitor. In a nice, cheery pink color is written "now 6:08". It is mocking me. Like leaving at 6:08 is an exciting new feature for the flight. "Flight 2619 is new and improved! You get 129 more minutes to stare off into space and try to avoid the gaze of that creepy old guy sitting across from you! Have fun!

Actually, the Charlotte airport is pretty cool, and I'm going to get a chance to eat some real food (I'm noshing on dried cranberries as I blog). And sit in a rocking chair – the airport is full of them. It is seriously a sweet airport. I was looking forward to getting to B'ham at 4:15 so I'll have time to exercise and shower before I chill for the night. Oh well.

I'm escaping Ohio for a bit...

I'm leaving tomorrow for Birmingham, AL to work on an assessment center. Fun stuff, right? Well, actually it was a lot of fun the last time I went. The work was tolerable: interesting at times, totally monotonous & tedious at others. What made it so much fun were the people I met. Sadly, none of them are going back this time :(

If I have half of the fun I did last time, it will be worth it. I'll (hopefully) meet some interesting people and we'll have fun. Still, I'm really going to miss my former fellow assessors...love you guys!