I, uh…um…can’t explain that

That's not something a teacher should say whilst teaching. Not for something that is in the book, that is on the freaking exam review, that I know and prepared for. I ended up letting my second class out 25 minutes early because I simply couldn't do my job. Yeah, I can have a bad day. This was much more than a bad day. Considering my students work full-time and go to school, have families, etc. I at the very least could do my job well.

The culprit? Probably lack of food. I woke up late and scurried to school and worked all day, then taught. It wasn't until one of my students asked me what I ate earlier until I realized that I hadn't had anything but a couple of chocolate heart left over for valentines day. That's it. I forgot to eat. All day. I didn't feel hungry at all. Didn't even have brain fatigue…it just stopped working.

Geez.

Sicky is icky

I've managed to get myself sick. Lost my voice completely. Couldn't even teach today. Luckily, I have generous classmate that taught for me. This is the first time in 4 ½ years of teaching that I've had to have someone cover for me because of illness. Hard to teach though with no voice. Add coughing, fever, headache and really sore throat = no go.

I also got the wonderful news that I've been rejected from the health insurance plan I applied to. Great. I don't consider myself a sick person; I have a chronic condition that requires medication and infrequent doctor visits. With medication, I don't have any symptoms. But the insurance company does not classify me as healthy. Never mind I'm an appropriate weight for my height, work out 4-5 times a week and have resting heart rate of 63. I understand that I would have to pay more for health insurance (because I actually use it). That's a given. But deny me coverage? That's just unfair. I'm hoping I'll find something in the next 28 days…cobra runs out then. Going to apply for a few more…wish me luck.

Old, bitter, and alone

I'm at school, sorta trying to do some work. Began making slides for intro. Last time I taught intro was 4 years ago, and the book was in chapters. Now it's in 40 modules…great. Meant to be more digestible, but students never read the book anyway. Not looking forward to having to be here all the time. I will in the fall. I really, really need to go on a roadtrip. Yes, I've been travelling a lot lately, but not on a roadtrip!

I'm tired and bitter right now – didn't sleep much. The department is too quiet…although it is summer and after 5pm, so I should expect it. And there is happy hour right now – where I was not informed. Wasn't going to go anyway – not too happy, and being in the presence of alcohol would probably be a bad thing. Bad mood + alcohol = really bad mood which may include extremely negative sarcasm that makes people uncomfortable, getting very upset, and/or rage. Usually not rage, but it's happened once before. It was not good. All of the above is often followed by vomiting and hangovers. So no happy hour for me. More oreos may be in order though.

Meetings were cancelled today – was offered phone meeting tomorrow or Friday. Must avoid – should just say I'm working on it and I'll communicate via email. Really, really don't care right now – I just want to get out of here. B'ham is in 3 days – need to get ready. I have no clothes to wear.

One thing I'm not bitter about is all of the awesome friends I have. Love you guys!

If you don’t want to read whining and complaining, stop reading here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, I feel quite defeated today. Being a 6^th year, I got booted out of my office and moved to another, more isolated office. I got moved to the counseling side. What happened to seniority? I've been here 5 years already; why should I have to give up my desk? I guess it's meant to be a gentle nudge that I've been here too long (more like a kick in the ass, really). I guess I should feel grateful that I still have an office. My soon-to-be former office is on the main hallway. Thus, people stop by and I can hear the departmental gossip without even leaving my chair. In addition, it has window to outside. It gets too hot or cold, I can open the window. I love my officemates too and don't want to leave (although my new officemates are awesome too…they will never be around though).

New office: kinda on a side hallway. Only near old I/O students like myself and counseling students. Not that I don't like the counseling folks, I just feel so isolated from the I/O happenings. Also, it has only about a quarter of a window…of the atrium. Not an outside window. No temperature control either. Ok, as I'm reading this, I really am whining and should be grateful for an office and stuff, I'm lucky the offices are as nice as they are, blah, blah, blah. I'm still going to pout like a little kid. Try and stop me.

Also, I haven't managed to come up with a dissertation topic in the last three weeks that I haven't met with my advisor. Also, I thought we weren't meeting this week for some reason. Damn. I've been out of town a great deal and have been working a lot on other stuff, but the fact that I've made no progress is really pathetic. I'll probably come up with a half-assed idea (or excuse, if things don't go well) that will get shot down immediately. I hate these meetings. I never have anything worthwhile to say and feel that my attempts at a dissertation are futile. Keep in mind, however that I'm not trashing my advisor. Not at all; I am the one that can't seem to get anything done. I wish someone would pick a topic for me – I'll hate end up hating one I initially liked anyway – If I work on anything too long, it gets old. Really, really old.

I'm frustrated at myself. Now I'm frustrated that can't keep from being frustrated at myself. I have a really, really bad attitude about grad school right now. So bad, that I'm not even sure it is wise to meet with my advisor. I'm afraid that I'll say that I don't care about any of this stuff and that dissertations are pointless. Or that I'll say that I haven't done anything and not sound like I feel bad about it. Probably not a wise decision.

I wonder if I can get away with studying graduate students anxiety who continually procrastinate on their dissertations and how effective ice cream therapy is as a coping strategy. Mmm, ice cream.

so much to do...so little time

Every once in awhile, i notice exactly how many distractions there are in life that seem useless. TV, for instance. I like some shows, but before i know it, my evening is gone. I could have done more productive things, like work. Or i could do something thats is enjoyable that i don't do enough of, such as working out, or crocheting, etc. Some more productive hobbies, i guess.

I've been avoiding some things that are unpleasant to do or that i don't think i'm going to do well. Naturally, these things make me feel worse and more anxious. I have had times in my life where i did what i was supposed to do during the day and rarely put off things. That was one of the best times of my life. I didn't feel guilty, i felt smart and accomplished; dependable. Now i just feel incompetent b/c i put off just about everything.

Maybe i'll treat it like a game - try to get as much done possible in a certain amt of time. This works more with cleaning and household stuff than schoolwork, but i'm going to try. Luckily, i get a great deal of satisfaction by crossing off something on my to-do list. I'm reading the personal efficiency program - maybe that will help me. or at least inspire me a little more.

i made it...

Spent all day at school, went to dinner & hung out w/bf. Meeting w/advisor was not embarassing (conference behavior was not mentioned), but i thought i had a topic and then i didn't. I thought i had a great idea, but not really doable, i guess, with the manipulation. He wants things theory-based, while i come up with things out of my ass. More interesting that way.

I don't want to do what other researchers didn't do, I want to answer my own research questions. I do want to get started on my dissertation, but I know that the actual data collection and analysis will really suck. Need so many participants, need at least 3 confederates, one at a time. I feel like it will take me until 2012 to finish data collection and then if i actually finish collecting, it will take me another year to analyze it.

Don't get me wrong, it would be a great study and probably get published. But i don't want to spend a year collecting data. I don't really have a year to do that - i want to be done in August 2009. that's next summer.