Writer's guilt: Dissertation edition

Somehow I forgot (at least I think i forgot to write) to write about getting a draft of Chapter II to my advisor. That was last Friday. I'm still waiting to hear back and I am anxious to get started on it. It is odd that I have this strange desire to tackle it head on. I may feel differently after I see the comments, however :-/

I've been reading up as much as I can about policy-capturing and how to analyze policy capturing. I'd tell y'all what it is, but I can't seem to explain it in a way where non-stats people would understand (not that you'd be interested anyway). Hell, I barely understand it. I understand the basic process, but applying it to my study I'm finding really difficult. And analysis - sheesh! There are several ways to analyze the data (once I collect it) but I'm not well-versed in any of them.

I've had 7 graduate statistics classes, yet I don't know how to do this. Awesome, I had to pick a study in which I'm unfamiliar with the methodology. So this has turned the section that is usually easiest to write for me into the hardest. Chapter III is kicking my ass. My way of dealing with this is reading every article and book chapter that has the slightest reference to policy-capturing and the analysis of policy-capturing data. I am doing work, but I have what I call "writer's guilt"

Writer's guilt as how it pertains to the dissertation is the immense amount of guilt that you feel when your dissertation itself - the document - is not being improved or written in for a few days while you figure out how the hell you are going to explain this crap. Even though I am actively working on my dissertation and reading my butt off, I still don't feel like it is real progress because it is not on paper yet. Also, I've been reading things that are only tangentially related to what I'm doing. This very well might be a waste of time, but I've read (and re-read) all of the major articles that deal with policy-capturing in the I/O literature. I've also read a few that are of different disciplines.

So the name of the game is reading, reading and more reading, all whilst feeling incredibly guilty that I'm not producing anything that can be turned in at this point. I *could* take a picture of all of the articles I've read lately, but that would take up a lot of data on an email attachment.

I know I need to give up the writer's guilt and really feel like I'm being productive even though there is no output to show for it. I need to believe that reading is really making progress. I'm certainly spending enough time doing it.

Discouraged

I'd had some really good days last week on the dissertation. Not always getting as much done as I would have wanted, but still making progress (however small). Today, I'm having a really tough time getting going (which happens and I try to push through it). However, I'm feeling completely discouraged about the whole thing. I'm highly disappointed at where I am in the dissertation process. I haven't even proposed it yet, and it has been years since I passed my comprehensive exams. I've been spinning my wheels for years and cannot shake the guilt from that. I'm finding it really difficult to believe that it will ever get done.

I've got this summer to get the proposal in tip-top shape and ready to propose. Some days, it doesn't sound so daunting. Other days, it seems like climbing Mt Everest would be easier. Today is a Mt Everest day. The whole thing is a major disaster, but what is most bothering me is the progress I should have made in the past few years. I know I need to let that go. I need to let it go to be effective, to stop it from dragging me down. Lately, every time I work on it, I have a tremendous amount of guilt from all of the things I haven't done...and all of the things my classmates have done. I am happy for them - but many of them have started years after me, and I am ashamed of my own lack of progress.

If I don't make enough progress this summer, it might be the end of the road for me. That has motivated me at times, specifically last week. Today it is weighing me down. I need to remember that I finished my thesis and passed comps and I wasn't especially confident I would be successful at either. Neither accomplishment was pretty, but I finished it. This dissertation process is not ugly, grotesque even, but I'm hoping to finish it. I just need to find my mojo and some self-efficacy. Anyone have any to spare?

Trying to get caught up, illness trying to get the best of me.

What's even better than being away and trying to catch up on all the stuff that should have been done before I left as well as all of my current duties/work? Getting sick and trying to catch up with said duties/tasks/responsibilities. Not like a cold sick, but have a lovely case of the flu, complete with nausea (etc.), fever, exhaustion, and an incredibly fuzzy head. You know the fuzzy head feeling you get when you start to get/are sick? Not so much fun. Also, not being able to eat much has also greatly hindered my productivity.

I felt great on Friday – did a bunch of errands including hand-washing my car. Ambitious, yes. By about 9pm on Friday I felt horrible again. Yesterday I didn't feel great either. Today, not sure if I have a fever, but unless my apartment is actually less than 55 degrees, which is not likely, I probably have a fever. And the nausea is back in full force. Back to pretzels, applesauce and vernors. Oh and popsicles. Full of nutrients, I know. I just can't handle much else right now. The bright spot – I lost all of the weight I gained in B'ham and New Orleans!

Also, I have some wacky rental insurance issues – they are cancelling my policy for some unknown reason. And of course, business hours are only between 8 -4pm M-F. And my PayPal account was hacked into, leaving me minus $700. Luckily the case was resolved today (yay for PayPal working weekends!) and I have my money back. Was able to read an article yesterday. Not much, but it is something. Going to try to read a couple more, integrate some of the research into my dissertation, and grade papers which I promised my students I would have graded by tomorrow. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except that I decided to let them redo their papers if they wanted a higher grade. Thus, I need to give them time to do that, and the semester is almost over. Yeah, that's biting me in the ass now. So if I don't complete them on time, they are going to be mad that there is not enough time to revise them. If I hadn't offered that opportunity, they wouldn't care if they ever got their papers back, just so long as their grades are posted on the website. Oh well, I have this conscious when it comes to teaching; I have a need to go beyond what is required and I have to do the best job I can, regardless if it causes me stress. Even though these extra things that I do rarely end up in the student evaluations, I feel guilty if I don't do everything I can realistically do to make it a good class, to give students an opportunity to succeed without being too lenient with grading.

I should really get back to work on my dissertation, at least for a couple of hours. And should try to grade at least 1/3 of the papers today. Those are my goals. Also, I'm hoping to eat some "real" food today too, but unfortunately it doesn't appear that this will happen today.

Sleeping super-late is good for my productivity…

I woke up at 1pm this afternoon. Surely nothing to do with staying up really late. However, I've gotten more done in the last hour and a half than I would have if I got up at 9am. Why? Guilt. Pure guilt. I feel so lazy, I need to make up for it. So I've been working frantically and will continue to do so until my guilt subsides.

So sleeping late can make me productive? Hmmm, I might be on to something. And I'm thankful that I don't live with anyone that wakes me up. Yet another reason to stay single and childless.

It’s only Tuesday? Seriously?

Tired. Very tired. Managed to get through the day and taught my classes. The 2^nd class went better than the 1^st. Neither were bad, per say. I was a bit unorganized in the 1^st class. And I didn't know there were 2 entrances to my classroom – so I plowed through the desks to get to the front…were there was another door. No big deal. My computer had some issues connecting to the projector, but nothing major. I'm sure I looked nervous. Went through the syllabus, and how to use springboard. Then, I did people bingo. My saving grace. They were looking at me in near-hatred while I was going over syllabus and such, but people bingo was fun

People bingo is an activity I made up to introduce people to one another. Basically, it's a grid with descriptions of people (i.e. someone who is wearing sandals), or what they do (i.e. runner), or a movie they've seen (i.e. dark knight). The rule is that they should try to complete the whole page. It's a whole lot of fun. I get involved too – they always seem surprised when I do. I got the sign the "over 21" square a lot J. Kept them almost the whole time – didn't mean too! Second class went smoother – I was more organized.

Just got back from a run – I really didn't want to come back in, even though I've physically exhausted. I spent most of it thinking about what exactly I'm going to say to my advisor tomorrow about the 'ole dissertation. Yeah, that. I need to look over at what I'm actually doing – I barely remember. Not sure which tactic I'm going to go with – just focus on the semester ahead, or promise to do better and explain all of the stuff going on that has been distracting me from work. Probably should leave out the laziness out of it. No I think I'm just going to focus on the future…forget about the past and my half-assed work and excuses. I'm going to try really hard and just go forward instead of feeling incredibly guilty about being such a schmuck. It's not helping me…but I have a hard time not feeling guilty. Any suggestions to help me not lament on the past and just go forward?

I want out...

I'm really, really, really sick of being in school right now. My cohort and above are never around or have already graduated (mostly the latter). I need a job. Badly. I'm thinking about how much i hate research. Well, i don't mind reading stuff and analyzing data, but the actual writing and designing studies I hate.

I realize now that i could be a mediocre (at best) professor, but could be a great consultant. I really think I'm going to go applied. Yet, I feel guilty about this, like I'm wasting my opportunities. *sigh* I wish I was the type of person who doesn't care what other people think. Or more like care about what I think they think.

I just want to get done. Give me a dissertation topic and I'll start today. I'm involved in so many projects now I can't devote the time I need to on my dissertation. My goal was to propose this fall. That seems quite unlikely at this point - that I'll write a whole dissertation proposal in the next 2.5 months.

I'm burned out and lack motivation. Why did I decide to go to grad school in the first place? I forgot. Please remind me.