And i'm laughing

Humor is a wonderful thing. It can make tense situations less tense, awkward moments less awkward, and embarrassing moments less embarrassing. It is also a way to laugh at ourselves, to be self-deprecating is to call out our faults first to be sure that no one else does. We laugh.

Humor is necessary for life; for getting along with others. Be being funny we can deflect serious events or feels like they are no big deal. If others think those things are no big deal, it makes it no big deal to us, right? Right?

Sometimes, not so much. Sometimes we ache to tell and show others how much things hurt, how alone we feel, how much we want to just be held. It is inappropriate to tell others this, or we are afraid to tell people things without a humorous component. So people kind of know what is going on, but believe it doesn't really affect us, that we truly feel as nonchalant as we tell people. And a confession of hurt + a touch of humor makes people less concerned. We want people to know what is going on, to understand the turmoil inside of us...but don't want to scare them off or to cause worry.

We smile when we tell others, crack a joke and move on in the conversation. No one stops it or questions how you felt or if they do, we say it is no big deal, it happened so long ago, it doesn't affect me now. While that is certainly true about some things, other things we are not so forthcoming. There are things that people should know about that we never talk about. things that will make others understand us more, that will explain some of our jacked-up behaviors. There is so much fear that others will find out and we will be looked at differently forever. That we will be looked at with pity, or we will be seen as damaged.

It is difficult to tell someone when we aren't doing so well without bumming them out or making them worry. Even if it is worthy of worrying.

If you don’t want to read whining and complaining, stop reading here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, I feel quite defeated today. Being a 6^th year, I got booted out of my office and moved to another, more isolated office. I got moved to the counseling side. What happened to seniority? I've been here 5 years already; why should I have to give up my desk? I guess it's meant to be a gentle nudge that I've been here too long (more like a kick in the ass, really). I guess I should feel grateful that I still have an office. My soon-to-be former office is on the main hallway. Thus, people stop by and I can hear the departmental gossip without even leaving my chair. In addition, it has window to outside. It gets too hot or cold, I can open the window. I love my officemates too and don't want to leave (although my new officemates are awesome too…they will never be around though).

New office: kinda on a side hallway. Only near old I/O students like myself and counseling students. Not that I don't like the counseling folks, I just feel so isolated from the I/O happenings. Also, it has only about a quarter of a window…of the atrium. Not an outside window. No temperature control either. Ok, as I'm reading this, I really am whining and should be grateful for an office and stuff, I'm lucky the offices are as nice as they are, blah, blah, blah. I'm still going to pout like a little kid. Try and stop me.

Also, I haven't managed to come up with a dissertation topic in the last three weeks that I haven't met with my advisor. Also, I thought we weren't meeting this week for some reason. Damn. I've been out of town a great deal and have been working a lot on other stuff, but the fact that I've made no progress is really pathetic. I'll probably come up with a half-assed idea (or excuse, if things don't go well) that will get shot down immediately. I hate these meetings. I never have anything worthwhile to say and feel that my attempts at a dissertation are futile. Keep in mind, however that I'm not trashing my advisor. Not at all; I am the one that can't seem to get anything done. I wish someone would pick a topic for me – I'll hate end up hating one I initially liked anyway – If I work on anything too long, it gets old. Really, really old.

I'm frustrated at myself. Now I'm frustrated that can't keep from being frustrated at myself. I have a really, really bad attitude about grad school right now. So bad, that I'm not even sure it is wise to meet with my advisor. I'm afraid that I'll say that I don't care about any of this stuff and that dissertations are pointless. Or that I'll say that I haven't done anything and not sound like I feel bad about it. Probably not a wise decision.

I wonder if I can get away with studying graduate students anxiety who continually procrastinate on their dissertations and how effective ice cream therapy is as a coping strategy. Mmm, ice cream.