Life is NOT going to bring me down

I've had a lot going on lately, most of it negative. I'm trying to remember that there are always options, always opportunities SOMEWHERE as long as I look hard enough. They may not be ideal or even seem possible, but I believe there are always options.

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life, more than most people know about. I've always gotten myself through those dark times in my life. And I'll get through this. These are challenging times. I'm always better as the underdog. Don't believe in me? Awesome. I'll prove you wrong. Sometimes (oftentimes) that person was me; telling me I can't do this (finish my thesis/comps/dissertation).

Unemployed? Yes I am. It sucks being uncertain of how I'm going to keep myself going financially. But I have mad KSAs (lol); I'll find something. Even if it is working for minimum wage. Not ideal, but may be necessary.

Hurt my knee? Yes I did. I'll be on crutches for a few days, maybe a week. And I won't get to run for awhile. But I'll get there. I'll be back. And luckily it doesn't look like I tore my ACL.

I'm sick of sabotaging myself, being afraid to succeed. I want to stop being afraid of failure. Being afraid of both leaves me stagnant. I want to progress, I want to graduate. I'd say that I'll stop being scared of these things, but it probably won't happen. All of the fear and uncertainty won't go away. I need to work THROUGH the fear and uncertainty.

All of this sounds like a cliché New Year's resolution, but that's how I feel right now. Sometimes I just get inspired…sometimes that the only thing I feel like I can control.

The first day…

I remember the first day I ever taught. It was 5 years ago; Fall 2003 (yes, I know I'm old). I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. I remember being awkward, reading the syllabus and stating requirements. My face was probably bright red. I managed it, though; as awkward as it was. I wasn't as bad as I thought I'd be. I'd had nightmares that I would get up in front of the class and not be able to speak. Or that I was naked.

Of course, has to be the naked dream. My naked dreams are weird though – the beginning of the dream I am clothed, or at least I think I am. It isn't until the middle of the dream that I realize I'm not wearing clothing. And that for some reason, I still have to go about my day…naked. Like there are no clothes I could wear anywhere. Seriously, there has to be someone that I could have bummed a sweater from!

Annnyyyway, I end up finishing the class and packing up my stuff, and sitting in one of the chairs in the front row. I couldn't believe that was it, yet I was exhausted. I was thinking "wow, I got through that!" I walk back to the department and into my office very pleased with myself. Until I sit down and realize that I'd have to do it again on Wednesday. And on Friday. And for the next 15 weeks. Yikes.

To be honest, my first year teaching was not fun. I had some difficult students and didn't know how to deal with them. Most people didn't have as much trouble. What can I say? I was kind of awkward. Second year and beyond it was fun. I enjoy being able to spout off for a few hours to a captive audience J.