Tea, meetings, and anxiety. Have I learned anything in the past 5.5 years of grad school?

So it is very early Wednesday morning…and we all know what Wednesday morning's bring. The weekly meeting. The meeting that I attempt to explain what I'm thinking/doing, generally without much success.

So here it is 12:30am and I'm binge-drinking herbal tea. First was country peach passion, but that is all gone now. Onto lemon zinger. I'm sitting at my dining room table with a whole bunch of articles spread before me. I have done several hours of work today (followed my new color-coded calendar somewhat) but I haven't gotten as much done as I would have liked. I think I work much slower than the average student; it seems to take forever for me to get stuff done, even when I'm not procrastinating.

Also, I get to the point where I'm almost done…and stop. Anxiety kicks in big time. So I can't seem to finish my ideas/thoughts/paragraphs completely. I hate that I do this; if I were running a 5k (3.1 miles), I wouldn't stop after mile 3. I'd finish the race. I'd dig in and use all of the energy I have to kick it in. So what if my lungs are burning? So what if my legs feel like they are going to give out? Just a little further, and I'll be done and be able to rest.

One problem with this race analogy is that the dissertation process is not a 5k; it is an ultra-marathon. An ultra-marathon through the woods, over mountains, often with trails that lead nowhere that fools us. My thought of the entire painful race gets to me and I freak out.

I also I'm plagued with thoughts that my writing is not good enough. I wonder how I managed to pass my classes, finish my thesis, pass comps. I forget I've even done that. I feel as clumsy with this whole dissertation process as I did with my first grad class – no idea what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I've regressed on the "smart" scale…like all of the previous education in the past doesn't count, or that I couldn't do it now. Deep down though, I know I have the ability. I've always had the ability. I just don't always have the motivation, concentration, confidence to do things to the best of my ability.

Seriously, when I think about what I'm doing right now (with the teacup replacing the view of the struggling writing's ashtray) I know that I'm being unreasonably anxious. Seriously, I'm sitting in front of a computer screen and can't seem to get a simple list of questions and comments appropriate for the meeting tomorrow. That's another thing; I never really know what he expects every meeting. Should I always have questions, or have some amount of writing done? I'm not entirely sure. I should probably ask. I don't often feel like I have anything "together enough" to turn in. Sure, I may have 6 pages of random notes and ideas, but it was probably make no sense to him. Email only advising is what I'm used to, and what I'm most comfortable with.

Ok, 1am and I'm on my 6^th cup of tea. And I feel like baking cookies or something. Must come up with a list of points to discuss/questions to ask. I think I've got most of it in different forms of notes –scribbles, outlines, etc. Wish I could sit down and wrote in an organized, coherent fashion. Sorry if this post is neither.

So, it’s Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…

And I am up. I've been staying up ridiculously late…basically because I can. Then wake up ridiculously late, get to school at 2pm while feeling like a lazy schmuck. I then stay at school until 10:30 or so. 8 ½ hours of work isn't lazy schmuck-ish, but work that is done during the day seems to be more highly valued. People forget I go home at the time they go to bed and figure I head out at 4:30pm just like the most of the department. In actuality, no one probably notices/cares; 6^th year students are banished to the other side.

Actually, I get to school at 11am on Wednesdays for a meeting that I am rarely sufficiently prepared for. I spent all of the time in my office before I taught on Monday (a good 3 ½ hours) on teaching stuff. So I was going to work on my dissertation after. However, when I got back to my office at 9:30pm I was really, really tired. I stayed for another 45 minutes…working on teaching stuff.

Tuesday I was supposed to either 1) go to my office and work all day, or 2) stay at home and work all day. My subconscious, however picked option 3: Stay at home with articles sitting next to you without actually looking at them or open any written documents related to the dissertation while watching TV. After hearing of the monstrous snow storm expected (12-18", yo!) then 1) called Mom to complain, and 2) went grocery shopping. Majority of purchases were healthy and now she can sustain herself for the next day or so while potentially trapped in apartment (lol). I did need milk and *could* have used groceries, but I went out like I was going to starve to death if I didn't buy more food. I also spent 20 minutes putting on makeup, including eyeliner (which I rarely have the patience to put on and typically rub my eye and unknowingly smear it all over my face). I need to look my best while perusing the perishables.

Got back, watched a few episodes of Scrubs, wrote in my journal for awhile, chatted online, and ate dinner. Have no idea where rest of the time went. Suddenly around 11:30pm I started feeling a bit anxious. Somehow I didn't have the most productive of days. Therefore, I needed to polish my nails. Red. I haven't had polished nails since October and that was because of my sister's wedding. And when I do wear polish, it's usually like a really pale pink; the kind you can wear after half of it is chipped off without it looking horrible. Red is a bit high maintenance. I don't even wear red on my toes!

So they are polished. And they make my hands look even paler than they are which are quite ghostly. And seem a bit formal. While I've been a brunette, a blond, and a redhead (more auburn really) in the past year, somehow painting my nails red seems too attention-grabbing.

Yes, I've spent this long thinking about it. Why? I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow/today. I don't feel as prepared as I should be. I have done work, quite a bit actually, but nothing actually written…and not a whole lot considering hypotheses and whatnot. Been reading, thinking a little…still no real "proof" that I've been working. Gahhh!!! School may be canceled tomorrow, but I'm probably obligated to at least send an email about my ideas/what I've been working on. And no, I don't think attaching this blog would be a good way of showing proof of productivity.

So, I'm still up and compulsively eating a good deal of the groceries I bought earlier (See, I really did need to go shopping!) I've almost clicked on one of the several documents that contain ideas/writing dealing with my dissertation. However, I must check my friend stocks on Facebook, and then catch up on the PhD comics. So yeah, I'll probably be up all night. If the university doesn't close, I'll be really screwed.

so much to do...so little time

Every once in awhile, i notice exactly how many distractions there are in life that seem useless. TV, for instance. I like some shows, but before i know it, my evening is gone. I could have done more productive things, like work. Or i could do something thats is enjoyable that i don't do enough of, such as working out, or crocheting, etc. Some more productive hobbies, i guess.

I've been avoiding some things that are unpleasant to do or that i don't think i'm going to do well. Naturally, these things make me feel worse and more anxious. I have had times in my life where i did what i was supposed to do during the day and rarely put off things. That was one of the best times of my life. I didn't feel guilty, i felt smart and accomplished; dependable. Now i just feel incompetent b/c i put off just about everything.

Maybe i'll treat it like a game - try to get as much done possible in a certain amt of time. This works more with cleaning and household stuff than schoolwork, but i'm going to try. Luckily, i get a great deal of satisfaction by crossing off something on my to-do list. I'm reading the personal efficiency program - maybe that will help me. or at least inspire me a little more.