So it is very early Wednesday morning…and we all know what Wednesday morning's bring. The weekly meeting. The meeting that I attempt to explain what I'm thinking/doing, generally without much success.
So here it is 12:30am and I'm binge-drinking herbal tea. First was country peach passion, but that is all gone now. Onto lemon zinger. I'm sitting at my dining room table with a whole bunch of articles spread before me. I have done several hours of work today (followed my new color-coded calendar somewhat) but I haven't gotten as much done as I would have liked. I think I work much slower than the average student; it seems to take forever for me to get stuff done, even when I'm not procrastinating.
Also, I get to the point where I'm almost done…and stop. Anxiety kicks in big time. So I can't seem to finish my ideas/thoughts/paragraphs completely. I hate that I do this; if I were running a 5k (3.1 miles), I wouldn't stop after mile 3. I'd finish the race. I'd dig in and use all of the energy I have to kick it in. So what if my lungs are burning? So what if my legs feel like they are going to give out? Just a little further, and I'll be done and be able to rest.
One problem with this race analogy is that the dissertation process is not a 5k; it is an ultra-marathon. An ultra-marathon through the woods, over mountains, often with trails that lead nowhere that fools us. My thought of the entire painful race gets to me and I freak out.
I also I'm plagued with thoughts that my writing is not good enough. I wonder how I managed to pass my classes, finish my thesis, pass comps. I forget I've even done that. I feel as clumsy with this whole dissertation process as I did with my first grad class – no idea what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I've regressed on the "smart" scale…like all of the previous education in the past doesn't count, or that I couldn't do it now. Deep down though, I know I have the ability. I've always had the ability. I just don't always have the motivation, concentration, confidence to do things to the best of my ability.
Seriously, when I think about what I'm doing right now (with the teacup replacing the view of the struggling writing's ashtray) I know that I'm being unreasonably anxious. Seriously, I'm sitting in front of a computer screen and can't seem to get a simple list of questions and comments appropriate for the meeting tomorrow. That's another thing; I never really know what he expects every meeting. Should I always have questions, or have some amount of writing done? I'm not entirely sure. I should probably ask. I don't often feel like I have anything "together enough" to turn in. Sure, I may have 6 pages of random notes and ideas, but it was probably make no sense to him. Email only advising is what I'm used to, and what I'm most comfortable with.
Ok, 1am and I'm on my 6th cup of tea. And I feel like baking cookies or something. Must come up with a list of points to discuss/questions to ask. I think I've got most of it in different forms of notes –scribbles, outlines, etc. Wish I could sit down and wrote in an organized, coherent fashion. Sorry if this post is neither.
