I hate it when I succumb to feeling sorry for myself

Yet, it still happens. I kinda fell apart today. And I'm still in my office, although no longer crying (yes, I admit it – I was sniveling in my office with the lights out for awhile). I'm trying to avoid the tear-stained face exit. I wish I had a trap door. I find it interesting that I can admit to people that I've been crying in my office, but not actually show people.

It is cold (for august – low 60s), dreary, and raining outside. I am also sick. The latter in and of itself will often make me bawl. I've gone from pretending I have no commitments, to reality where I am accountable to a lot of people. I can't just up and leave – I've got meetings tomorrow and Friday and I have to teach 2 classes tomorrow. I'm completely overwhelmed.

After the meeting where I admitted I haven't really done much work on my dissertation this summer (which went badly on my part), I hid in my office. And felt sorry for myself because of the state of my dissertation, because I have no one to take care of me (even though I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself) when I'm sick, stroke my hair as I sleep. Actually, I do have someone that would - I just shouldn't ask him to. He was trying to help today. He used to be the first one I called whenever I felt bad. Even before I'd dealt with it myself. I can't have him help right now. I hope he understands that it would be bad for both of us. Trust me, it would.

I've really got to get myself out of this office, get myself some dinner, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I haven't really cried in awhile, and I can't really stop today for some reason. Everything will be okay. It will. It always is. I need to remember this. And I need to laugh. I always feel better when I laugh.

To anyone that is reading: Sorry I'm such a downer today.

I want out...

I'm really, really, really sick of being in school right now. My cohort and above are never around or have already graduated (mostly the latter). I need a job. Badly. I'm thinking about how much i hate research. Well, i don't mind reading stuff and analyzing data, but the actual writing and designing studies I hate.

I realize now that i could be a mediocre (at best) professor, but could be a great consultant. I really think I'm going to go applied. Yet, I feel guilty about this, like I'm wasting my opportunities. *sigh* I wish I was the type of person who doesn't care what other people think. Or more like care about what I think they think.

I just want to get done. Give me a dissertation topic and I'll start today. I'm involved in so many projects now I can't devote the time I need to on my dissertation. My goal was to propose this fall. That seems quite unlikely at this point - that I'll write a whole dissertation proposal in the next 2.5 months.

I'm burned out and lack motivation. Why did I decide to go to grad school in the first place? I forgot. Please remind me.

Not again :(

This afternoon it was decided that I must come up with a new dissertation topic. Damn. I've only had about 5 other unsuccessful diss topics so far. I was also told that I should stop being so concerned with the method of data collection. I was being "too practical". This may have been the only time in my life that I have been the practical one! Seriously! I guess the desire to graduate would make one more practical.

I was also reminded today that in one year, I haven't met any of my major goals. Not one. How freaking depressing is that? I've definitely worked toward those goals and I am close to accomplishing some, but still. What the fuck have I been doing this past year? Running in circles?

Feeling defeated yet again. Pass the cheesecake filling. And the big spoon.