Going the distance: Part II

So the last post detailed my meltdown :-P I've been feeling better since, especially since I'll probably get to visit in a couple of weeks :-)

There are a couple of reason as to why this separation has been more difficult than usual:

1) We have never lived near each other. Well, except for high school - when we weren't dating.

2) We're getting older (over 30) and it feels like there is so much that needs to be done (school, job, etc) before we can be together and settle down. There is so much that needs to be done and figured out. I don't know where I'll have a job and if he'll be in a position where he'll want to leave his job.

3) Although I'm happy for those who have their SOs close by/live with them/are married to them, it makes me insanely jealous. There, I said it. If you live with/near your SO, be grateful.

I know everything will be done on our own time, yet I still want him to be here with me. We're used to being apart for 2-3 weeks at a time and when I was in Germany last year it was 6 weeks. We made it, but we both had difficulty with it at times.

It isn't that bad most of the time. We do get used to spending time apart - if we didn't, we couldn't do this. A month at a time isn't terrible. Thinking about how much longer we'll be apart is much more difficult.

Long distance relationships can work if the desire and effort is there - we are proof of that.

We're going the distance.

So it seems to be that 3 weeks is about the time I can be away from the boyfriend before i start going crazy. Today I was a crying mess - I simply could not fathom being apart for so long. Not talking about Tampa, but we're likely to be in a long-distance relationship for another year +. When he gets back, he'll still be 3 1/2 hrs away. That's rather depressing.

However, I'm trying to remember that I'll see him in a couple of weeks. And that I'm feeling worse about the distance than I normally would because I'm not feeling great, eating well or sleeping well.

I'm going to try to take it (and everything else) a day at a time. Ultimately, we are very lucky to have each other even if we can't spend as much time together as we'd like.

Dear mini legal notepad;

How I love thee. I buy you in bulk. I've got 12 of you, brand new, untouched. However, I cannot find any in which I've already began a relationship. So I pull another out of the package to write a to-do list on your first unblemished yellow page. A new relationship has begun, however I'm not sure it will last.

I have you EVERYWHERE. Just like hair elastics and lip balms, your population is large yet elusive; I can never find you when a grocery list needs to be written, a phone number needs to be jotted down, or a random idea pops into my head. In my time of need, I must stray. My needs are not being met. But rest assured, I rarely reach for a spiral notebook or a post-it note. My heart is is with you. You are just my type.

Yesterday was a success. Today, not so much

I had lunch/tea with a friend yesterday and worked on the dissertation. I worked on the dissertation more than I had in weeks. I might have my chapter I revised enough to send back to my advisor this week. It was definitely a productive day, mixed with socialization. Yay!

***Possible TMI***

Today I had a Dr's appointment. Like the gastroenterologist said he says i have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). IBS is often a catch-all for everything that is not Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis. It's not really a diagnosis; just a list of symptoms, some which contradict each other. What concerns me most is I still have days where i'm in pain (like today). More pain than what I'd expect IBS to produce. It just seems like it is more than that. Is IBS really that painful? Should I need pain meds for time to time? Should I have to keep to liquids/really soft foods twice a week to lessen pain? Could there be a way to lessen pain that doesn't require pain medication or large diet restriction? The doc shrugged his shoulders and told me I have to find what works for me. Really? I already know that I can't eat most veggies (although fiber is supposed to improve IBS).

I know I really shouldn't complain; I don't have Crohn's or UC, or any other serious disease that i know of. But it is really frustrating.

In addition to that, the stupid snow/ice storm will not permit me to visit the boyfriend this week. He is likely leaving at the end of this week. Thus, I may not see him for 4 months. And won't be able to see him for our "official" anniversary either. Or Valentine's day. Or my birthday.

At least the first part of this post was positive.

ok, ok, stay calm

In my last post, I mentioned that my boyfriend may be going to Tampa. However, last week he put his 2 weeks in and decided he was not going to go. He'd do whatever he needed to do job-wise. They offered him a teensy bit more money. He said no. He visited this weekend and it was lovely. Nothing special, just spent time together and relaxed. I appreciate that so much - just things that people that don't have distance between them do all of the time and often don't think much of it. Even though he was here only a 27 hrs (yes, i count), it was 27 hrs of quality time.

So today he goes into work and the owner offers him a significant raise. It is still crappy pay, but in this economy money is money. So he's going. And I'm freaking out.

I actually figured he'd get another counter offer. He pretty much runs the show and no one knows how to do his job. They'd be completely lost without him. So it was not a giant surprise to me. But it still makes me very sad.

We'd be going from a 225 mile gap between us to over 1,000. While I guess we are used to distance, it is not like I'd just be able to go visit every other weekend. Or every 3rd weekend. Or every 6 weeks. I'm not sure I'd be able to visit at all.

I'm just overwhelmed and miss him terribly already. The idea of being even further apart for the next 4 months is hard. Although it is temporary. I need to remember it is only temporary. Then we will probably resume our 225 mile long-distance relationship. Distance sucks. A lot.

Distance

Distance is difficult when in a relationship. Especially if it is prolonged and the distance is great.

We've been apart since our relationship started. Ranging from a 11 hr flight to a 3 1/2 hr drive, it's been challenging at times. It has been hard to him to visit me as of late and I can't always make the drive to see him.

We may be facing 4 months of being apart. He may have to go to Tampa for his job. He's been frantically searching for a job but not having a lot of luck.

I've been getting frustrated with being 3 1/2 hrs apart. The drive gets boring and it gets difficult when I'm doing most of the driving. It's especially hard when I was sick.

It is worth it. We are worth it. We just might have to be a little (ok very) patient.

the power of culture....

I've been back from Germany for about a month and a half now. The adjustment to living there took time. Surprisingly, so did the adjustment to coming back to the US.

It wasn't driving, or not walking everywhere that was hard to re-adjust to (although it was weird for a week or so). It was the changes in myself.

I came back from Germany a new person; with a new body (+20 lbs) and seemingly a new personality. I'm getting used to both right now. Not understanding the local language quiets even the most boisterous extrovert. Not to mention dampening my sense of humor...really hard to crack jokes in German if you don't actually speak, write or understand German.

Plus I've come back to a huge stack of medical bills...and an insurance company in which dropped me because I was "ineligible for coverage". They didn't determine that until I submitted a claim. Turns out I'm short one credit hour...and always have been! They never checked my enrollment, but issued me a new insurance card anyway. I'm gonna get a lawyer...if I can afford one. And I'm currently unemployed with no prospects on the horizon. *sigh*

I guess life could be a little (or a lot) easier right now. However, I'm with an amazing guy who makes everyday just a little bit easier...and a lot happier.

Hmmmm...

So my attention has been mostly turned to getting ready for the internship. All of these things that i "must do" I've put off. I do have a month, but it's only a month!!!!! and half of it will be spent in MI, around family and friends.

Other things have been occupying my brain. When are friends just friends? when are friends more than friends? And what about the middle ground? Do your feeling change because you want them to...or someone else wants them to? Or there are no feelings at all. Is it the loneliness? Can a spark grow where there was no spark before?

When I was young and naive, I thought there were 2 levels of relationships between me and a boy: friend or boyfriend. I was never told about the weird in-between space I seem to wind up in frequently.

A good deal of this is due to my fear of commitment (yes, chicks have this affliction too). I like companionship, I like pure and simple platonic friendships. I have a lot of male friends. I'm used to it. I like beer and sports and have been told more than a few times that "You think like a guy". Many of you would argue that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between men and women. Although I respectfully disagree, I will admit that some of my good friends today are those in which attraction on one (or both) sides once existed.

Many times those feelings fade. You found out more about this person and determine that you would be incompatible or to be completely honest, found that they do some things that you do not like. Despite these things, they are still worthy of being your friend.

I never seem to know what I have or don't have. I don't seem to have clarity about where I've stood with guys that I have been involved with in the past. In some ways it is exciting, however. Perhaps I crave that excitement. But there are the times where I want to cut out all of the bullshit and figure out what is really going on.

I'm not one to jump into a relationship quickly. There is so much pressure to be in one at my not-so-tender age. And once you're in own, people hound you to get married. And i might end up spending THE REST OF MY LIFE with a guy. Holy crap! That is terrifying. Will I always be terrified by this???

And thanksgiving is upon us...

The year has gone by so fast. I'll be in Germany in a month and a half...so much to do yet. Also thinking of how things were last year at this time.

The big thing is while I have friends to come home to, but there is no one else. Last year at this time I was in this crazy infatuation phase with an amazing guy. And things didn't work out...not in the way I thought they would. But nothing came from it. Perhaps nothing should.

I've been surprised at how lonely I get sometimes. I'm used to living alone, doing things alone, being alone. Somehow it is different now. This is not to say that I don't hang out with friends; I do. But I like to take care of myself as much as possible. And I'm not afraid to go to events without a date. I'm used to being a solo act.

Currently I feel jaded; about relationships and life in general. Getting out of here for awhile will probably do wonders for me. I know my life is good...I just want to appreciate how good it really is.

Sometimes you just have an epiphany…

I realized, as I was washing the pile of dirty dishes (and shaking my booty to Usher), that I am happy. Happy. I'm happy with myself. I crack myself up that I feel so happy doing dishes (you'd think I'd do them more often; I often wait until I'm eating cereal out of my 4 quart mixing bowl).

Sometimes I feel like I'm behind in life. I've often been late to do things. Given my age (28), many of my friends are married and have children. That is a wonderful but I often wonder 2 things: 1) when the hell will I ever be ready for that?, or 2) it would really be nice to have that cozy little family; to be settled. Lately, I've been stuck on the latter. I've been in school, gotten a couple of degrees, but I haven't bound myself legally to someone nor created a person. I guess I don't think about it too much, but creating another human being? That's amazing.

I guess you could say I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I got out of a long-term relationship 5.5 months ago. I'm not really missing that particular relationship per say (wonderful guy, just not right for me), but having that comfort being part of a couple and all the benefits that it entails. I see everyone's Facebook pictures of their wedding, their adorable kids. At times I feel frivolous, that what I'm doing is not important. Some people are making humans and taking care of them; I'm typing on a computer to write a paper that's going to be read by no more than 10 people.

When I was a child, I always wanted to be older, to have more privileges, to stay up later, to drive, to live on my own. It had to be great to do anything you wanted to whenever you wanted. And of course, like everyone else, I enjoyed the freedom, but also realized all of the responsibilities I had once I was an adult. And eating Taco Bell every day for a week got a little old (actually, I'm surprised I survived a week of Toxic Hell).

Lately I've only been thinking about the responsibilities, the obligations, the expectations that being an independent adult entails. All the stuff that I have to do. Bills, getting jobs, cleaning my apartment, making myself look like a responsible adult. All of that. I've forgotten about that childhood dream about having the freedom to stay out as late as I want, eating candy for breakfast, and having my own car, my own mobility.

And since I do live alone, I can do all sorts of weird stuff that other people don't see. I can dance around my bedroom to whatever comes over the radio. And I can sing along (anyone that's ever heard me sing knows that they don't want to be in earshot. I could give some of the tragic American Idol contestants a run for their money). I can try out weird booty shaking moves that should never be done in public (although I usually end up breaking those out after several glasses of wine at a wedding. Unfortunate, especially if the lucky couple has a videographer). I can eat cereal for dinner and no one will say anything. I can watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" without shame.

I've luckily had the good fortune to be able to teach this semester. Yeah, some things/people can get annoying (usually minor), but I love to teach. And I love that I have an audience to spout off to for 6 hrs a week. And I always have stories. Teaching is ALWAYS ripe for stories whether it's something weird a student does/says or that I do. If any of my former students are reading you probably have witnessed a few of them. Most of the funniest things usually come from a ridiculous statement/question/request one-on-one or a disaster barely averted (usually wardrobe malfunction). I actually had 2 students from 2 different classes 4 years apart utter the statement, "I am a very mature 20." One of them was prefaced by "you're not that old". Oh dear.

I have of these possibilities and opportunities, both personal and professional. All of these things that I CAN DO and that I HAVE NOW. I'm living in the present for a change.

Now if I'll you excuse me, I'm off to have Hershey's kisses and Christmas Ale for dinner.

Really hoping 2009 will get better…

Just a warning: this will probably be a depressing post.

As posted previously, I have failed to secure a job for this semester. Still looking, but it is depressing to get a tuition bill in the mail and not knowing how to pay it. I think I've also mentioned my battles with getting health insurance. It seems like I have to rely on the school's plan, which isn't very good. However, it is the only insurance I can get. One small issue (or I thought it was) is that I had a 9 day gap between my previous insurance (covered until Jan 1^st) and the school's insurance (Begins Jan 9^th).

Unfortunately, I've managed to hurt myself. I went for a run last night and when I started I hear a snap. It hurt a few steps, then it snapped again and it was ok. So I ran 1.5 mile on it. Stopped to walk and found that my knee felt really swollen and out-of-place. Got back to my apartment to find that my left knee was twice its normal size. And it felt really weird – full of fluid and unstable. But I could walk on it at that point. Been icing on and off and elevating my leg. Then I couldn't walk on it, or straighten my leg completely (not even close). Woke up this morning – it is worse. Apparently I couldn't sleep it off. Also, I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store. I've got food, but not much.

All of my symptoms point to a torn ACL. I'm really hoping there is another explanation, but I can't find any other injury that explains my symptoms. I'll keep you posted when I know what it is.

I'm going to wait until tomorrow to go to the school clinic to have it looked at. I'm just a bit worried how I'm getting to the clinic. I can't walk more than a few steps. Also they'll probably want me to get x-rays (couple hundred dollars) and an MRI (a couple thousand dollars). I'm wondering if I wait until the 9^th to get the tests done that the insurance will cover it, but I doubt it. Yet another pre-existing condition. Fabulous.

Also have relationship-ish (not really a relationship, but close) issues. Not sure if it's going to work out. I'm hoping to keep it casual and fun, but that might be difficult. Haven't talked/texted since having this conversation.

Ok good things…good friends, family. I know people are here for me.

I'm trying to keep the faith that things will get better. And I've made it through worse things. I'll get through this.

Thanksgiving…

I had a lovely thanksgiving break. I ran the turkey trot on thanksgiving morning, had the traditional thanksgiving foods, and hung out with friends. I didn't do as well as I would have liked (1:04:54) but I did finish. I'll go for a new PR next time, I suppose. A couple of friends came down to watch me run and I ran into some friends I hadn't seen in a long time. It was a lot of fun.

I'm sorta seeing one of the guys that went to see me run. He's a great guy and it really meant a lot to me that he'd go watch me (and drag a friend!). It is funny really; I'd planned on being single for quite some time, perhaps a year or so. Although I am not sure how to classify relationship status at this point; I guess we shall see…

When life doesn’t go as planned

When life doesn't go as we'd planned, it is difficult, disappointing, sad, etc. I've lived long enough and gone through enough stuff to believe that everything works out in the end. I applied to graduate school for 2002. I applied to 4…did not get into any. Second time around, after taking some grad classes as a non-degree student, I got into a top-ten program – something I never imagined would happen. In this instance, things worked out much better than I thought they would. And I am happy that I went through that. I could have quit. But I didn't – I wanted this too bad. Even though I might sound jaded at time, I remember how hard I fought to be here.

Perhaps it is the same with love. When we are hurt, deeply hurt and wounded, when our hearts are raw and bleeding, it is very difficult to believe that you'll ever heal. Or that you'll find anyone else that you'll care about as much. Or that anyone else will feel about you that way. Others tell us that we will; that there is someone out there for us. Of course, no one knows this for certain. Giving that advice usually means that we do not know what else to say to that person to make them feel better. And when on the receiving end of this phrase, it is very easy to discount this. No one else could possibly fit better than him/her.

That may actually be true; we might never find 'the one'. In fact, is there just one person that is made for us? Or are there multiple people we are compatible with? I used to think that there is one person we were meant to be with. Now…not so much.

It is hard to let go, to move on. It is hard to allow ourselves to feel for others again. It is hard to be vulnerable again, to let someone else in. To trust that person with your emotions, your proverbial "heart". It is hard to allow ourselves to consider ever being in a relationship again after a really good one ends.

I certainly hope that I eventually find one of the "the ones". However, I think I could be happy without this. I have so many wonderful people in my life; friends and family. I love life. All of it, even the bad stuff. Why? The bad stuff often shapes us as people. Those struggles we have make us stronger, more resilient. They open our eyes to different perspectives, to understand others better. This is going to sound cheesy, but I believe that the more we understand each other the more we can love, to connect with our fellow man/woman. Often, people don't listen to what others have to say; just rely on stereotypes. Just be open, listen to each other. We may not agree with each other, and that's ok. But if we can get an idea of where someone is coming from, we can understand. Often, our core ideals are similar, regardless of religious affiliation or political party. World peace, a cure for cancer, etc. All that good stuff. We just have different ideas on how to get these things.

Taking the puffy red-eye…

I'm back after a weekend in LA for a wedding. Our 10:30pm flight from LAX ended up taking off at 1:26am – that's Pacific Time! We didn't get back to Columbus until almost 9am and didn't get back home until 12:30 pm today. Still pretty tired. And sad. The trip marked the beginning of a lifelong relationship for some (the bride & groom) and unfortunately, the end of a relationship for us.

Happiest bird I’ve ever seen…

Yesterday, after spending the day moving my office, the bf & I went to get some dunch/linner (we can't decide on the term), at 3:30pm (hence the combination) at the Ohio Brewing Company. Very good – didn't even try the beer although it looks interesting. I'm now highly addicted to their blackberry iced tea.

When we were walking up the stairs of the parking garage we saw a baby bird that was trying to get outside…by flying up and running into the glass repeatedly. First we tried to scare him/her. No dice; the bird just tried harder to escape via the glass. I realized that I had a coat in my car and we spent a long time trying to get the bird into the coat without squishing it. He was even able to pet the bird through the coat!

Finally, he managed to grab the bird long enough to get him out of the staircase and onto the ledge of the parking garage. The bird paused, looked from side to side at the open air, smiled (I swear if I've ever seen a bird smile, that was it!), chirped what I can assume was a thank you, and flew away into the trees.

So, the moral of the story is that there is an advantage of being lazy and leaving items of clothing in your car for 8 months. You can help save a bird!