Call me Miss Crankypants

So cranky today. Even after caffeine. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't really feel like talking to anyone and I'm in just enough pain to be annoying. Note that I wrote annoying and not excruciating :-)

I've had some pain at night the last couple of nights and I took some pain medication even though I hate to do it and it wasn't too bad. I just get afraid that it will get out of control like a few weeks ago. I won't take anything today - I seem to do better during the day than at night. I worry about needing the medication often and being addicted to it, although I only take it once or twice a week at most. I've gone several weeks at a time without taking any. Not that I didn't have pain in those few weeks, but I did not allow myself to take any medication.

As for the dissertation, I had a really good day working on Sunday - as I usually do because I dissertate with a friend whilst drinking overpriced coffee. Not too much done on Monday, but it was something. Yesterday - nada. I'm at the point where I need to work on Chapter III, which has me rather stumped. I'm not so familiar with the research design and I'm having trouble adapting it to my study. I know I can ask questions, but I'm not even to the point where I know what to ask. I really need to immerse myself in the policy capturing literature - specifically studies that use it, as well as some of the how-to articles.

The research design and analysis is my stumbling block. I'm confused and not enjoying it. But I know everything will make more sense and things will start falling into place. Trying to focus on that....

Rough night/day

Yesterday, I had a fantastic day! Seriously, I love getting positive feedback, especially from someone I respect so much.

Last night was not so good. I went to bed and my stomach was kind of uncomfortable. Not painful exactly, but felt like things were not quite in the right place. It also was a little swollen. No biggie, I thought. It happens, I fall asleep, and it is usually better in the morning. Not last night.

Discomfort quickly progressed to pain. Severe pain. Shaking and sweating, I could barely get out of the fetal position to walk down the hall to take some pain medication. I took one and waited for it to kick in. An hour later, it was clear that it wasn't doing anything. So I took another...nothing. It took 4 hours to have any pain reduction at all. I went from a 9 (out of a 10 point scale) to about a 6. 6 isn't pleasant, but I can deal with a 6.

It was pretty scary - I've never had this medication not work for me. Ever. I'm terrified to eat anything today, so I'm going to stick to chicken broth, water, and possibly some yogurt if i feel I can handle it. I can't do 2 days in a row with that kind of pain.

In addition, to having a crappy night, I'm having a rather crappy day as well. I found out why my credit card company will start charging me an annual fee. Checked my credit report and scores ($29.95) and found that I had a past-due bill from last year for a radiologist. It had been sent to collections. I had gotten a notice last summer, but the charity application from the hospital was still processing, so I figured that it was covered through that. If I did have to pay, the collector would surely be on my ass, right? WRONG. I never got another notice. Did the collection agents for this company get trained? Isn't the first rule of being a collection agent to harass the hell out of people who owe money? Seriously, WTF?

Due to the collection notice on my account, my credit score dropped 125 points, from excellent to fair. In addition, I found out that I cannot get it removed from my credit report even though I'm going to pay it - it will be on there for 7 years. I have never made a late payment to ANYONE in since I established credit 12 years ago. Not one late payment. NOT ONE. And this one thing screws me over. Dammit.

Hoping the day will get better. I have managed to work on my dissertation thus far today. But I'm going back to bed if one more thing goes wrong today. Seriously.

Yesterday was a success. Today, not so much

I had lunch/tea with a friend yesterday and worked on the dissertation. I worked on the dissertation more than I had in weeks. I might have my chapter I revised enough to send back to my advisor this week. It was definitely a productive day, mixed with socialization. Yay!

***Possible TMI***

Today I had a Dr's appointment. Like the gastroenterologist said he says i have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). IBS is often a catch-all for everything that is not Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis. It's not really a diagnosis; just a list of symptoms, some which contradict each other. What concerns me most is I still have days where i'm in pain (like today). More pain than what I'd expect IBS to produce. It just seems like it is more than that. Is IBS really that painful? Should I need pain meds for time to time? Should I have to keep to liquids/really soft foods twice a week to lessen pain? Could there be a way to lessen pain that doesn't require pain medication or large diet restriction? The doc shrugged his shoulders and told me I have to find what works for me. Really? I already know that I can't eat most veggies (although fiber is supposed to improve IBS).

I know I really shouldn't complain; I don't have Crohn's or UC, or any other serious disease that i know of. But it is really frustrating.

In addition to that, the stupid snow/ice storm will not permit me to visit the boyfriend this week. He is likely leaving at the end of this week. Thus, I may not see him for 4 months. And won't be able to see him for our "official" anniversary either. Or Valentine's day. Or my birthday.

At least the first part of this post was positive.

more dissertation anxiety

Well, the title says it all. I've been so disconnected from my dissertation that I am afraid of it. Seriously. I'm so intimidated by just opening the document that I don't. It is silly, I know. I WANT to get this done. I WANT to graduate. I don't want to continue to feel like a schmuck because I'm not making progress. This paper will not get done by itself.

And it isn't even that horrible. It's not like I'm starting from scratch. I've got to make some (major) revisions to my proposal, but I'd gotten a good start on it...a while ago. I can't even think of when I last worked on it. Granted, I was really sick and in a lot of pain until about the 2nd week of December. However, that was a month ago.

Healthwise, I'm starting to have more pain lately, but I don't really know what is going on. I never got a diagnosis and in an ideal world would get more tests done. BUT - I can't afford any more. I can't have one more payment plan. So the plan is to wait it out, revert to very soft foods/liquids when I'm in a significant amount of pain. If I am unable to function, then I will relent to more testing. But for now, no more.

I'm going to start realllly slow on the diss. I have to. I freak out too much about everything that needs to do and how much of a mess it is. Seriously, If i work on it 5 minutes today it would be better than not working on it at all. Once I get back into it, I'll naturally work on it more.

Going to start the countdown again. I'm going to do this. A little bit every day.

Normal results = good?

So I had my super fun test on Monday. It actually wasn't that bad. There is some good news - everything looked good. Still waiting on some biopsies to come back to see what is going on.

I'm feeling a lot better (yay!) and even went to the gym yesterday. Granted, it was only 20 minutes going very slow on the elliptical, but it is technically considered exercise. I'm not really having any pain anymore, just a little discomfort. It's really nice to feel halfway decent and get some things done.

I'm still wondering what is/was going on with me. I'm unsure of what could have caused all of the pain and 4 days of hospitalization. I'm less concerned right now because I feel ok. I guess more tests could be done, but right now I'm going to have to pay out of (empty) pocket. I just don't have the money for that and if I continue to have good days (today is day 3 in a row!) I probably won't pursue it further.

Now on to the dissertation!

this seems to be turning into a health blog. Grrr.

Unfortunately, it seems like my health has a strong positive correlation with progress on my dissertation. That being said, my health as of late hasn't been so good. My head is fuzzy most of the time due to barely getting any nutrition, pain medication and not being able to sleep much. Or I'm in a great deal of pain and have a hard time writing when lying down and having my knees about an inch from my chin.

It is so very frustrating to me that I'm not posting about getting in another draft to my advisor. By this time, It would have been a 3rd or 4th draft. I haven't even completed all of the revisions from my 1st draft. This makes me more frustrated than the effect of whatever it is that I have.

Finally got an appointment with the doc yesterday. Good news: he was great, spent time with me, I got an increase in dosage of medication that is supposed to treat the inflammation and more pain medications. While i hate taking them, I need them some days. I get a horrid migraine the next day and I'm not able to work when I'm on them either.

Oh the inflammation. That's kind of the bad news. When I was in the hospital, I was told that my large intestine (my colon) was inflamed. Yesterday the doc said that my small intestine was inflamed as well. And that he really thinks it is an inflammatory bowel disease. Bummer. But - they can't know what is going on without looking inside.

Looking inside, as Robin Williams describes it, involves a piece of equipment that is essentially a video camera on the end of a roto-rooter. That will be going up 5 feet of my colon. Yay!

However this test should give the doctor a pretty good idea as to what is going on. Even if it is Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn's, at least I'll know and be able to treat it properly.

Well I've got a meeting to make (about my dissertation) in about an hour and 15 minutes. Luckily, I've got an understanding advisor.

Shit...just stood up to get ready...heartbeat was 109. My normal heart rate is about 65. No meeting today. GRRRRRRRRR. Freaking side effect. Nurse said to discontinue medication. Fabulous.

I get to live the life of a 50 year old...On Monday my colon will be starring in it's 1st feature film.

How am I? I'm great...wait a second....

So I was talking on the phone today and was asked the customary "How are you?" By reflex I replied, "Great!"

Except I wasn't great. The follow up, "How are you feeling?" kinda blew my cover. Although I wasn't intentionally hiding anything.

So how I'm a feeling? Terrible, to be honest. I'm in pain more often and I am afraid to eat much, lest it causes more pain. I also had the realization that I am not improving. I've been getting worse in the last week. Today, it hurt to drink water. Water. Digesting water should not be a big deal, much less cause pain. That concerns me quite a bit. I can go on eating very little for quite some time...or at least until my dr's appointment in 2 weeks. I cannot, however, go without drinking liquid until then. A few days without drinking = hospital. Luckily I did manage to get down more water and a little bit of food. I have some pain, but it is not too bad. I really, really want to avoid the hospital. I'm hoping to be able to eat at least a little on Thanksgiving, but not going to push it. Too much pain and I'll have to go back to liquids only.

I am very much looking forward to going home for thanksgiving and seeing my family and friends. I am not, however, looking forward to driving the 3.5 hrs to get there. My level of fatigue is ridiculous. Just going to the drugstore today wiped me out. Taking a shower wipes me out. I am ridiculously tired all of the time. My brain isn't functioning well - my dissertation has gone over a week without me even opening the document.

I'm getting very tired of not being able to do things and any possible plans that come up i have to say, "I'll have to see how I feel". And most of the time, I feel terrible. Sometimes my goal for the day is to leave my apartment. I don't always achieve that goal.

I can't wait until I feel well enough to go to the gym, go for a hike, go out to dinner, go to school...without worrying that I'll end up in pain or so exhausted I won't be able to get back home.

And my brain has stopped working. I had more to write, but i can't remember what it was

The streak is over - back to day 1

Well, I'd been doing really well on working on my dissertation every single day. In fact, I'd hit 55 days in a row. I was planning to reward myself with something when I hit 60...but that didn't happen.

So what happened? I ended up in the hospital for 4 days. Yikes - didn't see that one coming!

I went to the ER on Monday evening with extreme abdominal pain. Really, really bad. After 4 hours in the waiting room and another hour in the exam room, someone finally came to see me. An x-ray was ordered as well as some pain medication. The pain medication took ANOTHER hour to get there! So I finally got some relief - but it took 3 shots of morphine over the next couple of hours to do it! Seriously, I've NEVER been in that much pain in my life. And I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

So the x-ray came back and it was decided I needed a CT scan. After that came back (hours later) they decided to admit me. Diagnosis - colitis. Cause - ????

To make a long story short, they kept me in there until Friday afternoon. I couldn't have any more tests because of all of the inflammation so they basically observed me. I need to schedule some tests and a follow up in a couple of weeks.

So I didn't work on my dissertation for an entire week, until last night. So today is day 2. And I'll be at least a week behind on my goal of getting revisions to my advisor. So proposing this semester doesn't seem feasible at this point. Oh well - there was not a whole lot I could do about the situation. Hopefully I will continue to get better and make progress on my diss!!!

my life is never boring...

I managed to make my life even more exciting. Still moving all of my stuff into a storage unit, internship in Germany next month, still tons of stuff to do. Now I've got a new challenge: moving without being able to drive. I've lost my driving privileges for 6 months.

How did I do this? I had a seizure on Sunday night at my brother's apartment, 2+ hrs from home.

I feel fine. I'm sure that I'm not as freaked out as my brother and sister-in-law, who witnessed me seizing. Apparently I stopped talking mid-sentence, passed out, then started seizing. I managed to bite my tongue and turned blue. I woke up a minute or so later, rather confused. My brother told me that I had had a seizure. I told him I hadn't. I thought that we were just sitting on the kitchen floor then I got tired and laid down. My brother cleverly told me that the paramedics were friends of his so I didn't fight (I don't have great insurance, so this is gonna be hella expensive). I was so out of it, I totally believed him. I didn't understand it until I got into the ambulance.

I spent 2 days in the hospital, had a bunch of tests done and found nothing wrong. Seems to be a one-time deal. I'm feeling just fine, but irritated that I don't have as much independence as I would like.

Perhaps that was an unaccredited online degree ya got there

Fun at the school clinic last week...

Nurse asks me if I've ever had a finger-stick to test my blood sugar. I told her not to test my blood sugar, but I mention that its the most painful part of donating blood. She then asks "do they just hook it up?", looking really confused. I really hope she wasn't referring to her finger...but who knows.

Nurse does not know how donating blood works. So I think she knows there is a needle and a bag involved...or does she think there is a tube directly in the donor's arm?

There was talk about food because she was testing me for low blood sugar. Somehow got into the conversation of weight loss. I mentioned that I lost ~70 pounds about 5 years ago. She then asked "Did you keep it off?" while looking right at me. No, I didn't. I used to weigh 60lbs...when i was 7.

A few potentially important things she forgot: She didn't weigh me. Or take my temperature. Or asked if I could be pregnant (no), if I had pain anywhere. Had to take my blood pressure 4 times, using the inflatable cuff.

Seriously, I wish I were kidding.

Never fails…

I'm supposed to be in Detroit right now. Where am I? My apartment. Why?

Several reasons. Just got an email asking about meeting…on Monday. Yikes. Not so compatible for the weekend of fun that was planned. However, this is my own fault. I've been procrastinating all week, thinking the meeting would be later on in the week. Eek.

Second reason: I had an allergic reaction to mangoes. Yep. Turns the mangoes are in the same family as poison ivy. I'm very allergic to poison ivy. So my lips and all around my mouth are red. And itchy. It's not pretty. Hopped up on Benadryl now. Did make me sleepy, but last does made me a little wired.

I'm going to try to do as much work as possible and leave tomorrow. Hopefully this will work out. I haven't been back to Detroit in about 5 months.

Work, work, work!

Trying to get caught up, illness trying to get the best of me.

What's even better than being away and trying to catch up on all the stuff that should have been done before I left as well as all of my current duties/work? Getting sick and trying to catch up with said duties/tasks/responsibilities. Not like a cold sick, but have a lovely case of the flu, complete with nausea (etc.), fever, exhaustion, and an incredibly fuzzy head. You know the fuzzy head feeling you get when you start to get/are sick? Not so much fun. Also, not being able to eat much has also greatly hindered my productivity.

I felt great on Friday – did a bunch of errands including hand-washing my car. Ambitious, yes. By about 9pm on Friday I felt horrible again. Yesterday I didn't feel great either. Today, not sure if I have a fever, but unless my apartment is actually less than 55 degrees, which is not likely, I probably have a fever. And the nausea is back in full force. Back to pretzels, applesauce and vernors. Oh and popsicles. Full of nutrients, I know. I just can't handle much else right now. The bright spot – I lost all of the weight I gained in B'ham and New Orleans!

Also, I have some wacky rental insurance issues – they are cancelling my policy for some unknown reason. And of course, business hours are only between 8 -4pm M-F. And my PayPal account was hacked into, leaving me minus $700. Luckily the case was resolved today (yay for PayPal working weekends!) and I have my money back. Was able to read an article yesterday. Not much, but it is something. Going to try to read a couple more, integrate some of the research into my dissertation, and grade papers which I promised my students I would have graded by tomorrow. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except that I decided to let them redo their papers if they wanted a higher grade. Thus, I need to give them time to do that, and the semester is almost over. Yeah, that's biting me in the ass now. So if I don't complete them on time, they are going to be mad that there is not enough time to revise them. If I hadn't offered that opportunity, they wouldn't care if they ever got their papers back, just so long as their grades are posted on the website. Oh well, I have this conscious when it comes to teaching; I have a need to go beyond what is required and I have to do the best job I can, regardless if it causes me stress. Even though these extra things that I do rarely end up in the student evaluations, I feel guilty if I don't do everything I can realistically do to make it a good class, to give students an opportunity to succeed without being too lenient with grading.

I should really get back to work on my dissertation, at least for a couple of hours. And should try to grade at least 1/3 of the papers today. Those are my goals. Also, I'm hoping to eat some "real" food today too, but unfortunately it doesn't appear that this will happen today.

Been trying to catch up…

After a fantastic time in New Orleans last week, I'm trying to catch up on all the stuff I should have done before I left, as well as the stuff I should be doing currently. I'm not on top of stuff. Shocking, I know. Funny that I can say that about myself, but can't stand to hear it from other people. And I've been hearing it from other people quite frequently lately.

Haven't been feeling well either; actually felt pretty well all day but starting to feel bad again. I hope I feel better tomorrow – I've got to teach and do more work.
Sorry this is not a remotely interesting post. Figured I'd just let people know I'm alive.

Hopes…hopefully not to high

It appears that there may be a last-minute teaching opportunity for me. 2 sections!!! I would be really, really happy if this comes through. I might not know until MONDAY, which is the 1^st day of the semester and the 1^st day of those classes!!! Crazy. Night classes at least. And I've taught the class before, so I wouldn't be completely unprepared. Thinking about preparing now…but I don't want to jinx it. I'm trying to be optimistic about it, but not expect it to happen. Contradictory I know.

Knee is continuing to improve; it is starting to resemble a knee. Went to my office for awhile and got all of the stuff out of my mailbox. I had 6 journals waiting for me. Tearing the plastic off of them was like opening Christmas presents, lol. Yay, more to read.

I'll update later when I know more…

Life is NOT going to bring me down

I've had a lot going on lately, most of it negative. I'm trying to remember that there are always options, always opportunities SOMEWHERE as long as I look hard enough. They may not be ideal or even seem possible, but I believe there are always options.

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life, more than most people know about. I've always gotten myself through those dark times in my life. And I'll get through this. These are challenging times. I'm always better as the underdog. Don't believe in me? Awesome. I'll prove you wrong. Sometimes (oftentimes) that person was me; telling me I can't do this (finish my thesis/comps/dissertation).

Unemployed? Yes I am. It sucks being uncertain of how I'm going to keep myself going financially. But I have mad KSAs (lol); I'll find something. Even if it is working for minimum wage. Not ideal, but may be necessary.

Hurt my knee? Yes I did. I'll be on crutches for a few days, maybe a week. And I won't get to run for awhile. But I'll get there. I'll be back. And luckily it doesn't look like I tore my ACL.

I'm sick of sabotaging myself, being afraid to succeed. I want to stop being afraid of failure. Being afraid of both leaves me stagnant. I want to progress, I want to graduate. I'd say that I'll stop being scared of these things, but it probably won't happen. All of the fear and uncertainty won't go away. I need to work THROUGH the fear and uncertainty.

All of this sounds like a cliché New Year's resolution, but that's how I feel right now. Sometimes I just get inspired…sometimes that the only thing I feel like I can control.

Really hoping 2009 will get better…

Just a warning: this will probably be a depressing post.

As posted previously, I have failed to secure a job for this semester. Still looking, but it is depressing to get a tuition bill in the mail and not knowing how to pay it. I think I've also mentioned my battles with getting health insurance. It seems like I have to rely on the school's plan, which isn't very good. However, it is the only insurance I can get. One small issue (or I thought it was) is that I had a 9 day gap between my previous insurance (covered until Jan 1^st) and the school's insurance (Begins Jan 9^th).

Unfortunately, I've managed to hurt myself. I went for a run last night and when I started I hear a snap. It hurt a few steps, then it snapped again and it was ok. So I ran 1.5 mile on it. Stopped to walk and found that my knee felt really swollen and out-of-place. Got back to my apartment to find that my left knee was twice its normal size. And it felt really weird – full of fluid and unstable. But I could walk on it at that point. Been icing on and off and elevating my leg. Then I couldn't walk on it, or straighten my leg completely (not even close). Woke up this morning – it is worse. Apparently I couldn't sleep it off. Also, I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store. I've got food, but not much.

All of my symptoms point to a torn ACL. I'm really hoping there is another explanation, but I can't find any other injury that explains my symptoms. I'll keep you posted when I know what it is.

I'm going to wait until tomorrow to go to the school clinic to have it looked at. I'm just a bit worried how I'm getting to the clinic. I can't walk more than a few steps. Also they'll probably want me to get x-rays (couple hundred dollars) and an MRI (a couple thousand dollars). I'm wondering if I wait until the 9^th to get the tests done that the insurance will cover it, but I doubt it. Yet another pre-existing condition. Fabulous.

Also have relationship-ish (not really a relationship, but close) issues. Not sure if it's going to work out. I'm hoping to keep it casual and fun, but that might be difficult. Haven't talked/texted since having this conversation.

Ok good things…good friends, family. I know people are here for me.

I'm trying to keep the faith that things will get better. And I've made it through worse things. I'll get through this.

Sicky is icky

I've managed to get myself sick. Lost my voice completely. Couldn't even teach today. Luckily, I have generous classmate that taught for me. This is the first time in 4 ½ years of teaching that I've had to have someone cover for me because of illness. Hard to teach though with no voice. Add coughing, fever, headache and really sore throat = no go.

I also got the wonderful news that I've been rejected from the health insurance plan I applied to. Great. I don't consider myself a sick person; I have a chronic condition that requires medication and infrequent doctor visits. With medication, I don't have any symptoms. But the insurance company does not classify me as healthy. Never mind I'm an appropriate weight for my height, work out 4-5 times a week and have resting heart rate of 63. I understand that I would have to pay more for health insurance (because I actually use it). That's a given. But deny me coverage? That's just unfair. I'm hoping I'll find something in the next 28 days…cobra runs out then. Going to apply for a few more…wish me luck.

Barf, sweat, & tears

I'm still in b'ham. I managed to get food poisoning on Monday. Of course, I had to order the biggest sushi/sashimi combo that the restaurant had. Apparently, bad idea. I'd been feeling pretty bad the last couple of days. Thus, I've been spending a lot of my time in my hotel room (i.e. not going out and meeting new people) – although I have managed to do all of my assessments. Thus, I am alone. Alone time means think time. Think time means sad time. Feeling bad physically makes it much worse.

I hadn't been able to work out (run) in 2 days. People have told me recently that I really must be dedicated to work out so often. I don't think about it that way. Dedication is very controlled, very prescribed, focused and goal-oriented. That's not how I feel before I go for a run. I feel the need to run. I feel out of control. I feel like I need my body to keep pace with all of the thoughts going through my head. When I'm running, I feel like they match. After I'm done, all of the bad thoughts aren't always erased, but almost always more manageable. I'm calmer. I feel at least like I accomplished SOMETHING. Luckily, I was able to run today.

Especially now, when I have a lot on my mind, I've needed to work out every day just to keep my emotions in check. Oh, and of course I've cried. I just get to a point where it the crying seems to feed itself. Trust me, I'm a big proponent of getting my feelings out, but there comes a point in which crying is no longer helpful. I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to cry. That's okay. I'm just not going to let it consume me. There are too many other good things in life I'll miss out on if I feel sad & guilty all of the time.

So, this blog is *supposed* to be about grad school, so maybe I should just say that I'm totally stalled on my dissertation (on my end, not my advisor's). I think I just need to spend the last couple of the weeks of summer not working. I'm not focused right now and sitting at my desk for 8 hours staring at my computer screen and checking facebook every 15 minutes is not increasing my self-efficacy. I just want to do the absolute bare minimum to prepare for teaching and not worry about school for a few weeks. I thought that perhaps work may be a distracter, but it's not working well. I can't seem to pour myself into my work and become a workaholic. A workoutaholic maybe. But not a workaholic. I'll start fresh the beginning of the fall semester. I just don't want to feel like I'm failing anymore.

Difficult situations are not fun, but it really makes me feel grateful for all of my friends and support that I have. It continually surprises me how many people come forward when I'm having difficulty in my life. I am unbelievably lucky to have all of you. Thank you. I love all of you.

Ouch! Stop doing that!

While everything else seems to be going well or at least ok, my stomach is very, very angry at me. And has been for days. Could this be the ulcer I was promised 5 years ago? I already buy Zantac in bulk (Costco has a 95 pill bottle, fyi). Having similar pain to gallbladder attacks…except that I no longer have one. Is my gallbladder haunting me? I think so…