Excuse or explanation?

I haven't gotten a chance to work on my dissertation at all this week. I've been sick, and then I had outlines to grade. My great aunt passed away. I cancelled my meeting with my advisor because I hadn't gotten a chance to work on it. He responded by telling me to set some concrete goals to share with him. Not sure what to tell my advisor; just that I'm doing what I can do right now? That I've been trying to work on it every day and that's the best I can do? I've not made much measurable progress (not that I could show anyone anyway – random scribbles, lit review outlinish thing) but I feel like I can actually work on it. Not much, but I can.

I feel like everything is an excuse. That my concentration sucks, my great-aunt died (not especially close to her, but still made me sad), I had outlines to grade, that I'm not sleeping/eating well, that dissertation scares me, that I don't believe that I'll ever finish it. It is hard to admit to myself that I'm not doing as well as I should be. Telling other is even harder.

It sounds like I've got a lot of issues – which I do. I don't think this is what he had in mind when taking me on as an advisee. I know this is not what I had in mind.

What to write about? Writing?

I just spent the last 30 minutes composing a blog expressing my frustrations about my students and their inability to read and follow directions. However, that made me more pissed off, so I'm not going to publish it. It's not really what I to wanted to write about. Besides, I'll have more complaints tomorrow after I've received the outlines ;)

What I wanted to write about….actually, I don't know. Good things, I guess. Funny things…although I might be all out of funny for the evening.

Hmm, start with things I like: puppies, fuzzy robes, sweatpants, wasabi peas, Great Lakes Octoberfest (sipping on now), getting my hair done, hugs, running, clipping coupons (glossy paper is fun to cut with sharp scissors). Writing anything not school related. Bunnies mistaken for cats (That cat walks funny….it was a bunny!!!). comments about my facebook status. Sleeping in. random emails.

Writing; I'll go back to that. I have a love/hate relationship with writing. I am terrible at writing academic stuff. And I know that I'm bad at it because I think I am and worry that other people think I should be a much better writer for being in school so long. So writing things such as theses and dissertations are anxiety-wrought events. Generally, the result isn't that bad, and is sometimes even good, but the whole process is horrible for me.

Writing for other reasons; emails, blogs, journaling, etc. I don't care so much how people perceive me – I just write. I know my grammar isn't always the best, and I don't feel like writing all of the time. But I don't let fear of evaluation and self-doubt get in my way. I need to find a way to harness this for my dissertation. I just need to write when I've got ideas, not being afraid that something I write is going to suck, is implausible, is horribly explained.

I've written a lot of poetry/prose as well. That I can write, but I find it difficult to share. It is so personal that I feel like it is letting someone look at a small piece of my life with a magnifying glass. Almost like seeing my soul. Sometimes I feel like I want to share, but the subjects are so personal. They are either love/lost love/lust and/or are very sad. Mostly experiences I've had.

My dissertation is not personal…why do I feel like it is just as revealing?

Ah, I'm up too late again. I've actually been pretty good the last couple of nights. I need to go to bed…

Proper wording is very important…

I may have a real-life example for explaining perceptual sets to my students

Yesterday, when I got my mail, there was a business card for a groomer. Since I don't have a pet, I almost threw it out. I decided to flip it over and read the back. OMG. It said…"In a short time, (former neighbor) will be finished with the punishment."

This would be considered weird for most people, but it scared the crap out of me for several reasons. First of all, this particular neighbor never liked me. He'd never thank me when I opened the door for him and even brushed past me in the hall, hitting my shoulder with his. Totally rude. Never said hello. Also, whenever I made the slightest bit of noise, he'd bang on the ceiling of his apt. For example, I had someone over and while putting down the futon (which does make some noise – I have wood floors), he furiously banged on the ceiling for 5 minutes after. It takes all of 30 seconds to convert the futon to the bed configuration. He seemed to have some anger issues.

The biggest thing, however, is that I know he has a criminal history. I did get sex offender notifications for him. When I looked at his record (yay for public records) I saw that he had some assault charges too.

So, putting this information together, I quickly determined that I needed to leave my apt asap. I took it as he was going to be getting out of jail soon…and that he might come after me. He really seemed to hate me when he lived here.

a bag and booked it over to a friend's apartment, where I called my landlord. She told me that they (his fiancée/wife) were getting their lives together and moved out into a bigger place. She asked me about the business card – what it was for, what it said, etc. When I looked more carefully at the front, I noticed it had the name of the groomer on it. My landlord identified it as his fiancée. Also, there appeared to be a $5 coupon on the card too. My landlord said it was probably her way of telling people that she and H were doing ok and everyone probably got one.

This makes sense, but why would she write something like that on the card? I never talked to them; they didn't know me. However, it is not likely that someone sending a threatening note would leave a business card with her own name on it.

Now I feel silly about freaking out so much about it. The criminal charges against him were quite a while ago. I was really thinking about calling the police. I'm very happy I didn't; that could cause huge problems for them. I hate that I'm that judgmental about people. I am a believer that people can change, if they want to. It sounds like he wants to. Plus, I could have taken a little bit longer to read the card completely. I'm really happy that my landlord knew him well enough to understand what she probably meant.

Ah, the drama.