A plan and a little hope.

I’ve still been discouraged and disappointed in myself. I'm really trying to drown out the naysayers (me) and get on with it. Actually, I can use my dissertation to distract myself from some of the not-so-positive things going on in life. Not sure if that will ultimately be effective, but it is worth a shot. Any mind trick that I can use to get myself to work more on my dissertation is a good thing.

I need to come up with some specific deadlines. I think that the end of this week I should have a revised chapter 1, and perhaps the middle of next week I should have a revised version of chapter 2. I do feel that chapter 3 is the most important piece of the puzzle, and I can continue to work on that, but I see the other chapters as more doable. Perhaps I could even have the next draft of Chapter 1 done today. I only have some (seemingly) minor edits to make.

I'm so not the optimistic cheerleader type, but I'm trying to to pump myself up about this! I have an opportunity to get things done, to make a great accomplishment and contribute a paper that is mine and mine alone. I can do this! Just a little bit (or a little bit more) every day will help my dreams become a reality. I need to do this.

Life is NOT going to bring me down

I've had a lot going on lately, most of it negative. I'm trying to remember that there are always options, always opportunities SOMEWHERE as long as I look hard enough. They may not be ideal or even seem possible, but I believe there are always options.

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life, more than most people know about. I've always gotten myself through those dark times in my life. And I'll get through this. These are challenging times. I'm always better as the underdog. Don't believe in me? Awesome. I'll prove you wrong. Sometimes (oftentimes) that person was me; telling me I can't do this (finish my thesis/comps/dissertation).

Unemployed? Yes I am. It sucks being uncertain of how I'm going to keep myself going financially. But I have mad KSAs (lol); I'll find something. Even if it is working for minimum wage. Not ideal, but may be necessary.

Hurt my knee? Yes I did. I'll be on crutches for a few days, maybe a week. And I won't get to run for awhile. But I'll get there. I'll be back. And luckily it doesn't look like I tore my ACL.

I'm sick of sabotaging myself, being afraid to succeed. I want to stop being afraid of failure. Being afraid of both leaves me stagnant. I want to progress, I want to graduate. I'd say that I'll stop being scared of these things, but it probably won't happen. All of the fear and uncertainty won't go away. I need to work THROUGH the fear and uncertainty.

All of this sounds like a cliché New Year's resolution, but that's how I feel right now. Sometimes I just get inspired…sometimes that the only thing I feel like I can control.

When life doesn’t go as planned

When life doesn't go as we'd planned, it is difficult, disappointing, sad, etc. I've lived long enough and gone through enough stuff to believe that everything works out in the end. I applied to graduate school for 2002. I applied to 4…did not get into any. Second time around, after taking some grad classes as a non-degree student, I got into a top-ten program – something I never imagined would happen. In this instance, things worked out much better than I thought they would. And I am happy that I went through that. I could have quit. But I didn't – I wanted this too bad. Even though I might sound jaded at time, I remember how hard I fought to be here.

Perhaps it is the same with love. When we are hurt, deeply hurt and wounded, when our hearts are raw and bleeding, it is very difficult to believe that you'll ever heal. Or that you'll find anyone else that you'll care about as much. Or that anyone else will feel about you that way. Others tell us that we will; that there is someone out there for us. Of course, no one knows this for certain. Giving that advice usually means that we do not know what else to say to that person to make them feel better. And when on the receiving end of this phrase, it is very easy to discount this. No one else could possibly fit better than him/her.

That may actually be true; we might never find 'the one'. In fact, is there just one person that is made for us? Or are there multiple people we are compatible with? I used to think that there is one person we were meant to be with. Now…not so much.

It is hard to let go, to move on. It is hard to allow ourselves to feel for others again. It is hard to be vulnerable again, to let someone else in. To trust that person with your emotions, your proverbial "heart". It is hard to allow ourselves to consider ever being in a relationship again after a really good one ends.

I certainly hope that I eventually find one of the "the ones". However, I think I could be happy without this. I have so many wonderful people in my life; friends and family. I love life. All of it, even the bad stuff. Why? The bad stuff often shapes us as people. Those struggles we have make us stronger, more resilient. They open our eyes to different perspectives, to understand others better. This is going to sound cheesy, but I believe that the more we understand each other the more we can love, to connect with our fellow man/woman. Often, people don't listen to what others have to say; just rely on stereotypes. Just be open, listen to each other. We may not agree with each other, and that's ok. But if we can get an idea of where someone is coming from, we can understand. Often, our core ideals are similar, regardless of religious affiliation or political party. World peace, a cure for cancer, etc. All that good stuff. We just have different ideas on how to get these things.