Going to the library, but only for coffee

I remember doing my undergraduate honors thesis. It was the 2001/2002 school year. I remember the hours I spent in the library - searching the stacks, finding the journal, finding the volume of the journal I needed, looking up the page number, and copying away. I spent so much time and money in the library getting all of those articles. And carrying all of them around with me? Insane. I remember those days that I dedicated a whole Sunday to copying articles. And refilling my OneCard...over and over and over. It was better than trying to find change, however.

Today, getting articles is much easier (and cheaper). I don't even have to go to school to do it. I can link my computer remotely to OhioLink, and download PDF versions of the articles. I also sprung for the full version of Adobe (yay for student discounts!) and can even annotate and highlight the articles right on my computer. I can print them out if i wish (of course) and can even use the printer in the computer lab in the department for free (if i feel like going there, of course). I can have all of the articles I need with me on the computer at all times. I've barely stepped foot in the library at school in all of the years that I've gone there. I've rarely needed to. As an undergrad, I practically lived there. I've spent more time buying coffee at the coffee shop there than getting articles.

As much as I complain about my dissertation, I realize technology has made the process MUCH easier. I can have the article I need in seconds. SECONDS. I often forget how much time, effort and money it took to procure those articles as an undergrad. I can't imagine doing a dissertation that way. I have HUNDREDS of articles for my dissertation (and yes, I've read most of them). I can't imagine doing this process for every article I needed: copy page --> flip journal --> copy page --> turn page --> copy --> flip journal...repeat to infinity.

Ah, it is important to remember that we have it easy.

A plan and a little hope.

I’ve still been discouraged and disappointed in myself. I'm really trying to drown out the naysayers (me) and get on with it. Actually, I can use my dissertation to distract myself from some of the not-so-positive things going on in life. Not sure if that will ultimately be effective, but it is worth a shot. Any mind trick that I can use to get myself to work more on my dissertation is a good thing.

I need to come up with some specific deadlines. I think that the end of this week I should have a revised chapter 1, and perhaps the middle of next week I should have a revised version of chapter 2. I do feel that chapter 3 is the most important piece of the puzzle, and I can continue to work on that, but I see the other chapters as more doable. Perhaps I could even have the next draft of Chapter 1 done today. I only have some (seemingly) minor edits to make.

I'm so not the optimistic cheerleader type, but I'm trying to to pump myself up about this! I have an opportunity to get things done, to make a great accomplishment and contribute a paper that is mine and mine alone. I can do this! Just a little bit (or a little bit more) every day will help my dreams become a reality. I need to do this.

Discouraged

I'd had some really good days last week on the dissertation. Not always getting as much done as I would have wanted, but still making progress (however small). Today, I'm having a really tough time getting going (which happens and I try to push through it). However, I'm feeling completely discouraged about the whole thing. I'm highly disappointed at where I am in the dissertation process. I haven't even proposed it yet, and it has been years since I passed my comprehensive exams. I've been spinning my wheels for years and cannot shake the guilt from that. I'm finding it really difficult to believe that it will ever get done.

I've got this summer to get the proposal in tip-top shape and ready to propose. Some days, it doesn't sound so daunting. Other days, it seems like climbing Mt Everest would be easier. Today is a Mt Everest day. The whole thing is a major disaster, but what is most bothering me is the progress I should have made in the past few years. I know I need to let that go. I need to let it go to be effective, to stop it from dragging me down. Lately, every time I work on it, I have a tremendous amount of guilt from all of the things I haven't done...and all of the things my classmates have done. I am happy for them - but many of them have started years after me, and I am ashamed of my own lack of progress.

If I don't make enough progress this summer, it might be the end of the road for me. That has motivated me at times, specifically last week. Today it is weighing me down. I need to remember that I finished my thesis and passed comps and I wasn't especially confident I would be successful at either. Neither accomplishment was pretty, but I finished it. This dissertation process is not ugly, grotesque even, but I'm hoping to finish it. I just need to find my mojo and some self-efficacy. Anyone have any to spare?

The first post of May!

I apologize for being a little (or a lot) lax on posting. Just not much was going on yet I was somewhat busy.

Well I woke up far to early (for me anyhow) at 5:30 am and had this bright idea to work on the dissertation. I figured that it *is* the first day of work study and thus I should begin working. I just presumed that I would start working a little later, but whatever.

Anyhow, I started my day using http://www.750words.com. I've been using it for awhile, 10 days or so, and it is a good way to get started writing (i.e. mind dump). It can be anything you want it to be - the goal is to write 750 words every day. I've found it surprisingly easy and definitely gets me in the writing mood. It definitely helped today, I went right from there into my dissertation. And I spent a good 3 hours working. Not just 3 hours. A GOOD 3 hours. A productive 3 hours. Any dissertation writer knows that you can spend many hours working on a dissertation, yet not get much accomplished. This was a good day!

Hoping more good days to follow! I might start waking up a bit earlier just to get going. It seemed easier just starting off the day like that - right from bed, no breakfast, still in pjs, just writing. Perhaps I could become a morning person?

Disappointment

How much does it suck to be for someone to be disappointed in you? Especially if you are already disappointed with yourself?

I've not been happy they way things have been going with my life and my dissertation. I am in an enormous amount of debt, and that will not be changing anytime soon. I long for the days in which I can start to make a dent in this avalanche of money that I owe.

My financial situation worsened this year, not having a job and all of the medical bill that needed to be paid. It is really hard to not be able to find a job and living on borrowed money. I will pay it back and I can't wait to pay it back. I don't want to owe anyone, credit card companies and student loan included. I want to work and pay my bills. I want to get to that point that I can actually save money (wow, what a concept!) and not feel so overwhelmed about my debt.

As for my dissertation, I could be doing better. I know that. I'm trying, but not as hard as I could be. I stare at my computer screen for hours, not making much progress. I avoid it by cleaning everything in sight. I know this.

Yet, all of this was pointed out to me (in an accusing manner) - the length of time I've spent in grad school, the snails-pace progress of the dissertation, and the mountain of debt I am in. It was done in a very accusing way, as if i was spending my money on clothing and shoes. I don't remember the last time I bought an article of clothing. Not even sure it was in the past year. I am paying to maintain my health, to eat, to pay my bills. I do not go out - for drinks, for dinner, really anywhere that requires money. It really, really disappointed me that this person (who I respect, admire, and love very much) would want to make me feel worse. This person knows that all of these things are on my mind and bother me very much. I don't know why he felt the need to remind me of what I already know. None of this motivates me. He knows this.

While this might be something "that parents do" it hurt me deeply. Especially since I could hear the disappointment in his voice for me, and the contempt of my situation. If I had a carefree attitude about my situations, this discussion may have been warranted. But I do not. I think about these things every single day, without exception. My parents have always said that I punish myself more than anyone else every could. And it is true. Why could he just have let me punish myself? I've been told by others that I'm doing an exemplary job of that.

To be fair, there is a lack of understanding on his part; he's not been through this process. It is hard to convince him that it's just not a paper I can sit down and write then be done with, graduate and get a job. There are so many more steps and components that I attempt to explain time after time, but they don't appear to sink in.

I'm going to try to put this aside for the day - my purpose in this post was to vent a little, get it out of my mind and putting my thoughts in writing.

Call me Miss Crankypants

So cranky today. Even after caffeine. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't really feel like talking to anyone and I'm in just enough pain to be annoying. Note that I wrote annoying and not excruciating :-)

I've had some pain at night the last couple of nights and I took some pain medication even though I hate to do it and it wasn't too bad. I just get afraid that it will get out of control like a few weeks ago. I won't take anything today - I seem to do better during the day than at night. I worry about needing the medication often and being addicted to it, although I only take it once or twice a week at most. I've gone several weeks at a time without taking any. Not that I didn't have pain in those few weeks, but I did not allow myself to take any medication.

As for the dissertation, I had a really good day working on Sunday - as I usually do because I dissertate with a friend whilst drinking overpriced coffee. Not too much done on Monday, but it was something. Yesterday - nada. I'm at the point where I need to work on Chapter III, which has me rather stumped. I'm not so familiar with the research design and I'm having trouble adapting it to my study. I know I can ask questions, but I'm not even to the point where I know what to ask. I really need to immerse myself in the policy capturing literature - specifically studies that use it, as well as some of the how-to articles.

The research design and analysis is my stumbling block. I'm confused and not enjoying it. But I know everything will make more sense and things will start falling into place. Trying to focus on that....

Rough night/day

Yesterday, I had a fantastic day! Seriously, I love getting positive feedback, especially from someone I respect so much.

Last night was not so good. I went to bed and my stomach was kind of uncomfortable. Not painful exactly, but felt like things were not quite in the right place. It also was a little swollen. No biggie, I thought. It happens, I fall asleep, and it is usually better in the morning. Not last night.

Discomfort quickly progressed to pain. Severe pain. Shaking and sweating, I could barely get out of the fetal position to walk down the hall to take some pain medication. I took one and waited for it to kick in. An hour later, it was clear that it wasn't doing anything. So I took another...nothing. It took 4 hours to have any pain reduction at all. I went from a 9 (out of a 10 point scale) to about a 6. 6 isn't pleasant, but I can deal with a 6.

It was pretty scary - I've never had this medication not work for me. Ever. I'm terrified to eat anything today, so I'm going to stick to chicken broth, water, and possibly some yogurt if i feel I can handle it. I can't do 2 days in a row with that kind of pain.

In addition, to having a crappy night, I'm having a rather crappy day as well. I found out why my credit card company will start charging me an annual fee. Checked my credit report and scores ($29.95) and found that I had a past-due bill from last year for a radiologist. It had been sent to collections. I had gotten a notice last summer, but the charity application from the hospital was still processing, so I figured that it was covered through that. If I did have to pay, the collector would surely be on my ass, right? WRONG. I never got another notice. Did the collection agents for this company get trained? Isn't the first rule of being a collection agent to harass the hell out of people who owe money? Seriously, WTF?

Due to the collection notice on my account, my credit score dropped 125 points, from excellent to fair. In addition, I found out that I cannot get it removed from my credit report even though I'm going to pay it - it will be on there for 7 years. I have never made a late payment to ANYONE in since I established credit 12 years ago. Not one late payment. NOT ONE. And this one thing screws me over. Dammit.

Hoping the day will get better. I have managed to work on my dissertation thus far today. But I'm going back to bed if one more thing goes wrong today. Seriously.

It looks great!

I met with a friend at Panera today. I got quite a bit done today, mostly editing sentences in Chapter II. Feeling pretty good about it; getting the wording right will really help. Next step is to organize paragraphs and fill in missing information. Feeling pretty good about it.

Got an email back from my advisor that stated that Chapter I looks great!!! That makes me so happy!!! I felt that it was good and I’m thrilled to get some positive feedback. And the turnaround time? Overnight on a weekend? Amazing.

One of my challenges for Chapter II is possibly changing a variable. It would seem to make sense to do it, but i dread completely changing the whole section. But if it needs to be done, it will be done

Overall, it has been a great day! More to come :-)

Better late than never

So those plans I made to get my taxes and Chapter I done? Yeah, they got messed up.

Lost passwords + getting sick/pain + sheer laziness = tasks left undone.

The taxes got finished the following day. Chapter I revisions finally got finished today! I actually went to my office! I haven't been to my office in a looooonnnnnggggg time. My mailbox was stuffed with journals and flyers for events that had already occurred.

Chapter I revisions were quick and painless. It took me MUCH less time than I anticipated and was in better shape than I remembered it to be. I finished the final edit, then scanned the document again. and again. I was done! Wait, what? How did that happen?!

As for the day's to-do list, I am on pace to complete it! It also helps that I finally made a realistic list. I'm feeling rather odd, however. I'm not used to achieving what I set out to do.

Onto Chapter II and III!

The to-do list

Today, like many days, comes with a long to-do list. I seldom get through my to-do list for the day. I pretty much design it that way. Everything that I possibly need to do in one day, I put on the list. I'm not particularly bothered if I don't complete the list; I don't expect to.

But today I've got a long list as usual, but it comes with some big items. If I get these done today, it will really be a weight off of my back. The big ones are taxes, financial aid, and completing another draft of Chapter 1 of my dissertation. All are urgent and I am sick of worrying about them.

So taxes are up first. Even though I only made a meager amount on unemployment last year that I technically don't even have to report, I feel like it is a good idea to have a record of my (lack of income). So I'm filing anyway. It shouldn't take long, but I can't remember the password to the tax program that I use. So I'm waiting on them to email me the password. It has been over 45 minutes and I'm getting impatient. I procrastinate, but when I want to do something, I want to do it NOW. Geez.

Chapter 1 is honestly close to completion. I'd really prefer to send over another draft of the whole proposal, but I can't do that right now. Plus it is probably much easier to edit one chapter at a time. So I'm just going to focus on Chapter 1 and then worry about 2 & 3 another day (soon!).

So I'm off to do a whole bunch of stuff I dread doing, but I'll feel a whole lot better once they are done. I'll update later.

Yesterday was a success. Today, not so much

I had lunch/tea with a friend yesterday and worked on the dissertation. I worked on the dissertation more than I had in weeks. I might have my chapter I revised enough to send back to my advisor this week. It was definitely a productive day, mixed with socialization. Yay!

***Possible TMI***

Today I had a Dr's appointment. Like the gastroenterologist said he says i have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). IBS is often a catch-all for everything that is not Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis. It's not really a diagnosis; just a list of symptoms, some which contradict each other. What concerns me most is I still have days where i'm in pain (like today). More pain than what I'd expect IBS to produce. It just seems like it is more than that. Is IBS really that painful? Should I need pain meds for time to time? Should I have to keep to liquids/really soft foods twice a week to lessen pain? Could there be a way to lessen pain that doesn't require pain medication or large diet restriction? The doc shrugged his shoulders and told me I have to find what works for me. Really? I already know that I can't eat most veggies (although fiber is supposed to improve IBS).

I know I really shouldn't complain; I don't have Crohn's or UC, or any other serious disease that i know of. But it is really frustrating.

In addition to that, the stupid snow/ice storm will not permit me to visit the boyfriend this week. He is likely leaving at the end of this week. Thus, I may not see him for 4 months. And won't be able to see him for our "official" anniversary either. Or Valentine's day. Or my birthday.

At least the first part of this post was positive.

more dissertation anxiety

Well, the title says it all. I've been so disconnected from my dissertation that I am afraid of it. Seriously. I'm so intimidated by just opening the document that I don't. It is silly, I know. I WANT to get this done. I WANT to graduate. I don't want to continue to feel like a schmuck because I'm not making progress. This paper will not get done by itself.

And it isn't even that horrible. It's not like I'm starting from scratch. I've got to make some (major) revisions to my proposal, but I'd gotten a good start on it...a while ago. I can't even think of when I last worked on it. Granted, I was really sick and in a lot of pain until about the 2nd week of December. However, that was a month ago.

Healthwise, I'm starting to have more pain lately, but I don't really know what is going on. I never got a diagnosis and in an ideal world would get more tests done. BUT - I can't afford any more. I can't have one more payment plan. So the plan is to wait it out, revert to very soft foods/liquids when I'm in a significant amount of pain. If I am unable to function, then I will relent to more testing. But for now, no more.

I'm going to start realllly slow on the diss. I have to. I freak out too much about everything that needs to do and how much of a mess it is. Seriously, If i work on it 5 minutes today it would be better than not working on it at all. Once I get back into it, I'll naturally work on it more.

Going to start the countdown again. I'm going to do this. A little bit every day.

this seems to be turning into a health blog. Grrr.

Unfortunately, it seems like my health has a strong positive correlation with progress on my dissertation. That being said, my health as of late hasn't been so good. My head is fuzzy most of the time due to barely getting any nutrition, pain medication and not being able to sleep much. Or I'm in a great deal of pain and have a hard time writing when lying down and having my knees about an inch from my chin.

It is so very frustrating to me that I'm not posting about getting in another draft to my advisor. By this time, It would have been a 3rd or 4th draft. I haven't even completed all of the revisions from my 1st draft. This makes me more frustrated than the effect of whatever it is that I have.

Finally got an appointment with the doc yesterday. Good news: he was great, spent time with me, I got an increase in dosage of medication that is supposed to treat the inflammation and more pain medications. While i hate taking them, I need them some days. I get a horrid migraine the next day and I'm not able to work when I'm on them either.

Oh the inflammation. That's kind of the bad news. When I was in the hospital, I was told that my large intestine (my colon) was inflamed. Yesterday the doc said that my small intestine was inflamed as well. And that he really thinks it is an inflammatory bowel disease. Bummer. But - they can't know what is going on without looking inside.

Looking inside, as Robin Williams describes it, involves a piece of equipment that is essentially a video camera on the end of a roto-rooter. That will be going up 5 feet of my colon. Yay!

However this test should give the doctor a pretty good idea as to what is going on. Even if it is Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn's, at least I'll know and be able to treat it properly.

Well I've got a meeting to make (about my dissertation) in about an hour and 15 minutes. Luckily, I've got an understanding advisor.

Shit...just stood up to get ready...heartbeat was 109. My normal heart rate is about 65. No meeting today. GRRRRRRRRR. Freaking side effect. Nurse said to discontinue medication. Fabulous.

How am I? I'm great...wait a second....

So I was talking on the phone today and was asked the customary "How are you?" By reflex I replied, "Great!"

Except I wasn't great. The follow up, "How are you feeling?" kinda blew my cover. Although I wasn't intentionally hiding anything.

So how I'm a feeling? Terrible, to be honest. I'm in pain more often and I am afraid to eat much, lest it causes more pain. I also had the realization that I am not improving. I've been getting worse in the last week. Today, it hurt to drink water. Water. Digesting water should not be a big deal, much less cause pain. That concerns me quite a bit. I can go on eating very little for quite some time...or at least until my dr's appointment in 2 weeks. I cannot, however, go without drinking liquid until then. A few days without drinking = hospital. Luckily I did manage to get down more water and a little bit of food. I have some pain, but it is not too bad. I really, really want to avoid the hospital. I'm hoping to be able to eat at least a little on Thanksgiving, but not going to push it. Too much pain and I'll have to go back to liquids only.

I am very much looking forward to going home for thanksgiving and seeing my family and friends. I am not, however, looking forward to driving the 3.5 hrs to get there. My level of fatigue is ridiculous. Just going to the drugstore today wiped me out. Taking a shower wipes me out. I am ridiculously tired all of the time. My brain isn't functioning well - my dissertation has gone over a week without me even opening the document.

I'm getting very tired of not being able to do things and any possible plans that come up i have to say, "I'll have to see how I feel". And most of the time, I feel terrible. Sometimes my goal for the day is to leave my apartment. I don't always achieve that goal.

I can't wait until I feel well enough to go to the gym, go for a hike, go out to dinner, go to school...without worrying that I'll end up in pain or so exhausted I won't be able to get back home.

And my brain has stopped working. I had more to write, but i can't remember what it was

it's my life and I'll cry if i want to

The last couple of weeks have been stressful to say the least. There is some ambiguity in my current health status, although hopefully test will show a conclusive diagnosis. And there is the all-important question: How will I pay for all of this?

Like most people, I've developed a lot of anxiety over money. Money has been tight for some time; no employment will do that to people. I can't imagine finding a way to pay for medical expenses at this time. Even a small payment plan seems daunting.

And my dissertation is suffering from this. I think I'm using illness as an excuse not to work on it very much. I'm still doing it every day (yesterday was day 8), but not much work at all. Much less than I could do.

After a poor night's sleep complete with nightmares, I succumbed to a crying fit. And guess what? I felt better afterward. I know people mean well when they tell someone not to cry, but sometimes it is precisely what is needed. The act of crying isn't a horrible thing; the sadness, anxiety and frustration is what is bad. So what if a good cry is needed to refocus? Sometimes, it is exactly what I need.

32 days and counting....

I've just completed my 32nd day in a row working on my dissertation. Granted, today was a small workday, but I can say I got something done. Goal is still to finish a draft of the dissertation proposal by October 15th. Still freaks me out a bit. It certainly doesn't have to be perfect, but it still seems like a huge task.

I feel like I've been through rehab...with 32 days of productivity. Luckily, alcohol is permitted in dissertation rehab. Perhaps my dissertation can be dedicated to all of the breweries, wineries and meaderies of the products I've consumed during the process :-) Oh, and all of the chocolate.

Still going :-)

So my last post about goals? Well I've....stuck to them thus far :-)

So far 6 days of dissertation work in a row. Not a ton of work each day, but i'm making progress and moving forward. Also, I'm turning in a draft of chapter 1 on Friday. I'll also be out of town for part of the week, but i'll get it done. I'm going to make sure of it.

Working on the dissertation EVERY DAY is very important to me. It keeps the topic fresh in my mind and it helps me keep momentum. I can be anything from reading an article, to writing a paragraph...just SOMETHING. I really need to do it every day to keep it a habit. Not 5 days a week, but everyday. I need to learn to work on it every day no matter where I am at the time. This week should prove to be a good test.

The meeting on Friday went really well - gave me confirmation that I have a good topic and that external validity isn't everything (especially on a topic that is largely unexplored). It also gave me a little kick in the butt.

So...go go gadget motivation!!!

Goals

So once again, I'm making a list of goals for the new school year. This feels a little tiresome, as I seem to make lists of goals every semester that never pan out. It is my fault completely, but the more I fail (because I didn't try) the more I believe that finishing my PhD is a goal that is out of reach. I'm trying to keep myself motivated and believing in myself, but it is much easier said than done. I'm hoping to keep my promises this time and really give it that "old college try".

Goals for 2010-2011

Finish dissertation by August 2011
- Propose by end of Fall 2010 semester

• Have a rough draft of proposal by October 15

• Get IRB approval by January 2011

• Data collection Spring 2011
• Have a complete draft done by July 1, 2011

• Finish writing in summer 2011
• Defend August 2011

How to accomplish above goals:
- Work on dissertation daily
- Be committed to the above goals
- Minimize distractions and negativity
- Overcome obstacles
- Develop plans to overcome obstacles
- Seek guidance and social support when needed.

Foreseeable obstacles
- Losing momentum/motivation
- Letting anxiety and fear overwhelm me
- Not believing that I can do it
- Financial difficulties
- Being out of town often
- Comparing my progress to others and feeling inadequate
- Previous failures discouraging me

This is not an exhaustive list, but a good start :-)

Years down the road...wait, I'm there already???

When I started graduate school, I didn’t know what to expect several years down the road. I couldn’t imagine surviving past the 1st year! But I have. Hasn’t always been pretty, but I have.

One thing that helped me get through the first few years was my cohort. We went to the same classes, saw each other every day and hung out with each other on the weekends. We had Thursday nights at Don Pablos ($2.50 margaritas!) and spent a heck of a lot of time at 69 Taps, Jillians, Brubakers, and yes, Posh (its called Lux now). Bowling at Stonehedge, Luigi’s at 3am, and of course some kickin' parties at people’s apartments.

It's different now. Dissertating is a lonely process. We don’t have a “dissertation class” to go to where we see each other a couple of times a week. We work on this at home, or in offices far removed from the rest of the I/O side. Not that I don't appreciate my counseling office neighbors, it is nice to have people in the same situation as oneself. I never knew how lonely things would get. I never thought that I would be more unhappy as an ABD than i was studying for comps! At least with comps, we were all doing the same thing, at the same time. Also, still being in classes, we had a lot of moral support. Although there are plenty of others working on their dissertations still, a number are several years below me...so i never really see any of these people. I suppose it is my fault, I haven't exactly reached out to others.

Perhaps i need to acknowledge that things have changed, people have changed, the department has changed. I can't seem to let go of what was. In addition, I have a fear of getting too attached to others because it will suck when I (eventually) leave.

I hate saying goodbye. I avoid goodbye parties for people that I will miss very much, even though I would like to see them off. I detach early - it will hurt me less. It is a very selfish perspective to take.

Let’s just go with this for now….

So I've been pretty bad about posting. I've been working fairly hard on my dissertation and wrapping up the end of the semester of teaching. I've still had difficulty nailing down my specific design and hypotheses. Still.

I've got a good deal of anxiety going lately; dissertation related for the most part, but I'm sure some other random life stresses have contributed. Thus, I've just been working on the lit review (for the sections I know are going to be there). Not the most efficient way to do it, but I can work on it without staring blankly at the screen for hours. Or freaking out. I don't know why I have so much anxiety with writing my dissertation. So I figure that working on it in some way (even if not the best) is better than nothing. I'm not so sure my advisor is in agreement, but if I can just get over this anxiety thing, I'll be able to nail things down and really get moving. Or so is my goal.

Been doing yoga the last few days and it is really helping with the anxiety. I actually did a couple of sun salutations in my office the other day. Felt kinda weird, but it relaxed me. Whatever works, right?