It isn’t what you say; it’s how you say it.

I've had a couple of instances in the last couple of days for which inspired this post. The first was a chat with a friend. The second was an email I received from a student. In both cases, while I didn't LIKE what they wrote, the sentiment itself didn't piss me off. What pissed me off was how it was worded. "You can't leave it be, can you?" [something to that effect…definitely including the 'can you?" which I find offensive] in reference to a situation in which I hadn't fully described. Immediately, I became defensive. I was also quite upset before this whole thing started. I was just looking for someone to listen/read since I had had quite a bad day. While I don't believe what he meant was malicious, it came across as a scolding, a lecture. Not what I wanted to read at 3am. Thus, I got pissed and signed off, saying I was going to bed (wasn't really).

The email I received was very accusatory, stating that I was very unfair. Note the *I*. In my many years of grad school, I learned that feedback is best given at the task level (Kluger & DeNisi, 1996). Thus, a better way of getting the message across without making me defensive would be, "I feel that [whatever the student thinks is unfair. i.e. how the homework is graded] is unfair. Not referring to me, my personal characteristics, but to my actions. Big difference. I spent several hours this evening really pissed off about it.

Using email/chat to convey emotions is tricky. While something may not be meant as malicious may come across that way. It is based on how the reader interprets it, which can be partially influenced by current mood. I overreacted to both, no doubt about it. However, people should be conscious about how they come across to others, particularly through written communication. I'm sure I'm guilty of this as well; perhaps coming across a little blunt. I'm terrible at ending emails, so I often sign off without any sort of closing. I need to work on that. And stop overreacting.

Sometimes you just have an epiphany…

I realized, as I was washing the pile of dirty dishes (and shaking my booty to Usher), that I am happy. Happy. I'm happy with myself. I crack myself up that I feel so happy doing dishes (you'd think I'd do them more often; I often wait until I'm eating cereal out of my 4 quart mixing bowl).

Sometimes I feel like I'm behind in life. I've often been late to do things. Given my age (28), many of my friends are married and have children. That is a wonderful but I often wonder 2 things: 1) when the hell will I ever be ready for that?, or 2) it would really be nice to have that cozy little family; to be settled. Lately, I've been stuck on the latter. I've been in school, gotten a couple of degrees, but I haven't bound myself legally to someone nor created a person. I guess I don't think about it too much, but creating another human being? That's amazing.

I guess you could say I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I got out of a long-term relationship 5.5 months ago. I'm not really missing that particular relationship per say (wonderful guy, just not right for me), but having that comfort being part of a couple and all the benefits that it entails. I see everyone's Facebook pictures of their wedding, their adorable kids. At times I feel frivolous, that what I'm doing is not important. Some people are making humans and taking care of them; I'm typing on a computer to write a paper that's going to be read by no more than 10 people.

When I was a child, I always wanted to be older, to have more privileges, to stay up later, to drive, to live on my own. It had to be great to do anything you wanted to whenever you wanted. And of course, like everyone else, I enjoyed the freedom, but also realized all of the responsibilities I had once I was an adult. And eating Taco Bell every day for a week got a little old (actually, I'm surprised I survived a week of Toxic Hell).

Lately I've only been thinking about the responsibilities, the obligations, the expectations that being an independent adult entails. All the stuff that I have to do. Bills, getting jobs, cleaning my apartment, making myself look like a responsible adult. All of that. I've forgotten about that childhood dream about having the freedom to stay out as late as I want, eating candy for breakfast, and having my own car, my own mobility.

And since I do live alone, I can do all sorts of weird stuff that other people don't see. I can dance around my bedroom to whatever comes over the radio. And I can sing along (anyone that's ever heard me sing knows that they don't want to be in earshot. I could give some of the tragic American Idol contestants a run for their money). I can try out weird booty shaking moves that should never be done in public (although I usually end up breaking those out after several glasses of wine at a wedding. Unfortunate, especially if the lucky couple has a videographer). I can eat cereal for dinner and no one will say anything. I can watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" without shame.

I've luckily had the good fortune to be able to teach this semester. Yeah, some things/people can get annoying (usually minor), but I love to teach. And I love that I have an audience to spout off to for 6 hrs a week. And I always have stories. Teaching is ALWAYS ripe for stories whether it's something weird a student does/says or that I do. If any of my former students are reading you probably have witnessed a few of them. Most of the funniest things usually come from a ridiculous statement/question/request one-on-one or a disaster barely averted (usually wardrobe malfunction). I actually had 2 students from 2 different classes 4 years apart utter the statement, "I am a very mature 20." One of them was prefaced by "you're not that old". Oh dear.

I have of these possibilities and opportunities, both personal and professional. All of these things that I CAN DO and that I HAVE NOW. I'm living in the present for a change.

Now if I'll you excuse me, I'm off to have Hershey's kisses and Christmas Ale for dinner.

What to write about? Writing?

I just spent the last 30 minutes composing a blog expressing my frustrations about my students and their inability to read and follow directions. However, that made me more pissed off, so I'm not going to publish it. It's not really what I to wanted to write about. Besides, I'll have more complaints tomorrow after I've received the outlines ;)

What I wanted to write about….actually, I don't know. Good things, I guess. Funny things…although I might be all out of funny for the evening.

Hmm, start with things I like: puppies, fuzzy robes, sweatpants, wasabi peas, Great Lakes Octoberfest (sipping on now), getting my hair done, hugs, running, clipping coupons (glossy paper is fun to cut with sharp scissors). Writing anything not school related. Bunnies mistaken for cats (That cat walks funny….it was a bunny!!!). comments about my facebook status. Sleeping in. random emails.

Writing; I'll go back to that. I have a love/hate relationship with writing. I am terrible at writing academic stuff. And I know that I'm bad at it because I think I am and worry that other people think I should be a much better writer for being in school so long. So writing things such as theses and dissertations are anxiety-wrought events. Generally, the result isn't that bad, and is sometimes even good, but the whole process is horrible for me.

Writing for other reasons; emails, blogs, journaling, etc. I don't care so much how people perceive me – I just write. I know my grammar isn't always the best, and I don't feel like writing all of the time. But I don't let fear of evaluation and self-doubt get in my way. I need to find a way to harness this for my dissertation. I just need to write when I've got ideas, not being afraid that something I write is going to suck, is implausible, is horribly explained.

I've written a lot of poetry/prose as well. That I can write, but I find it difficult to share. It is so personal that I feel like it is letting someone look at a small piece of my life with a magnifying glass. Almost like seeing my soul. Sometimes I feel like I want to share, but the subjects are so personal. They are either love/lost love/lust and/or are very sad. Mostly experiences I've had.

My dissertation is not personal…why do I feel like it is just as revealing?

Ah, I'm up too late again. I've actually been pretty good the last couple of nights. I need to go to bed…

Mutiny…narrowly avoided

Today, I conducted an exam review. My "favorite class" slipped in the rankings, big time. While I was explaining exactly how the testing systems work (they take them on the computer at a testing center on campus), and outlining how I was going to conduct the review, my eager to learn, friendly class turned on me. Sudden hatred…great. Especially since I was in a rather jovial mood and quite well prepared.

First of all, the majority of my class said I didn't tell them there was a review sheet posted on the website. Several students did insist to others that I did state it would be posted on the website. Also, I wrote on the homepage of the course website stating there was a review sheet, as well as exactly where to find it. They are *supposed* to check it every day. They glare, save from the few sympathetic glances from those who actually follow directions.

I mention that it is 15 questions that will be very much like test questions. How many questions are on the test? 50, I answer. The class reacts as if I told them they all were going to fail. One outspoken female student asked me, "How can there only be 15 questions on the review sheet and 50 test questions?! You aren't even covering half of the test material" she states indignantly. I hear a few "yeahs" from other students. I am dumbfounded. Somehow they believe that if I give them 50 review questions it would cover all of the test material. *Sigh* I could give them 100 review questions that might do a better job, but they won't actually look at them.

I'm trying to explain that I tried to pick a representative sample of questions that cover the major topics on the test, and that I only have enough time to thoroughly go through 15 questions. I was cut off by the drone of students murmuring about how unfair the tests were and that I should go over EVERYTHING that could possibly be on the test. Um, even with 3 hours of lecture a week cannot cover everything in the book that they need to know. I then wonder if they are still used to chapter tests. They are, in fact, just out of high school.

I tell them that I cannot possibly cover everything that could be on the test. I am asked if I know what is on the test. I repeat what I had said earlier, "Modules 1-4, 6, & appendix A". Dude in the back says, "No, what's on the test". I am perplexed. I state that "that IS what is on the test." "All of it?" he said in disbelief. "All of it", I repeat. The class freaks out. I tell them I mentioned this the first class and reminded them repeatedly that I can only cover the most important things from the text, the rest of it they have to read on their own. Guess what? That's why you have a freakin' book. I also tell them that I can't possibly cover all of the test topics as a review. Unless, of course, I just list them and not explain them. They can get that on the website – and I showed them how to do it in class today.

I ask them if they would like me to post more review question on the website. They say yes. How many, I ask? They don't know. How about 10 more, I say. The outspoken girl exclaims, "That's still only covering half the material on the test". I open my mouth to speak…and close it again. I can't even reason with her – she won't get it.

I agree to the 10 more. They do not look satisfied. I also tell them that I will go over the 15 questions in class, and I can hold another exam review outside of class. I tell them that I'll go over the 15 and then we'll set up an outside review afterward. So we do, and it takes the rest of the class time. I not only showed them the right answer, but asked them why it was right, why the others were wrong. I showed them how to pick out the key words in the questions to tip them off to the answer. At the end of the class, I asked those who wanted another review, outside of class, to please come up to the front….One person comes up to me. Several file past and thank me for the review. Relief.

I'm still in shock how pissed off my students seem. They are usually a dream class – participative, they seem to like learning, and they laugh at my jokes. But today….

Second class was cool; they gave me no problems. Nice.

Full moon tonight – possible explanation?

Someone stole my pants!!!

I actually had a pretty good day, even though I got about 2 hours of sleep. Teaching went well, and I'm feeling a bit better somehow (given lack of sleep). Although one of my students (a different one this time, the usual creepy guy was absent today), is being a little creepy. I dropped my pen while I was lecturing. Before I even started to bend down and pick it up from under the table, a student (male) sprang from his seat, darted past the 2 students sitting in front of him, and reached under that table to retrieve my pen. He was at least 15 feet away. Did he predict I would drop my pen? How did he get to it that fast?

The pen was about 2 inches from my feet. I was standing behind the table. I thanked him, of course. The half of the class that actually noticed were looking at me like, WTF? I'm sure I had the same expression on my face. Who does that? If I had rolled near him, then that would be a normal and polite way to act. To bound across the room and dive underneath a table in front of 41 of your classmates is just…weird.

I get back to my apartment and get my mail. I had signed and left an info notice from UPS. I had ordered some clothes that (hopefully) would fit well. The package was not at the front door and the info notice was gone. I started to get pissed, then I thought that someone may have been kind enough to bring it to my door (Some of my neighbors are very nice). Nope. Perhaps ups didn't deliver it? I check the website. Delivered at 1:53pm. Crap. I want my pants!!! (tee-hee I put crap in front of a sentence talking about pantsJ)

Why new pants are important: On Tuesday, I wore a pair of pants that usually are little big, and are very comfy. And they were unwrinkled. Well, they now are more than a little big. They had no belt loops either. I wore them anyway. In my first class, I was setting up my computer for class. I stepped on the hem of my pants (too big à too long) and took half a step. Luckily I didn't take a whole one – my pants almost fell off!!!

Oh, and I received another AARP card in the mail. Seriously? Yes, seriously.

I'm pissed off, yet amused. And have a splitting headache. However, I am not sad. And the events of today make a good story. I'll take it J.