A post where I mention “crotch” too much…almost as much as John McCain said “my friends” in the last debate. Enjoy.

The other day, in an attempt to avoid embarrassment, I checked to make sure my fly was zipped…as I was walking out of the bathroom. I run into one of my students. He looked down and then gave me a funny look. He happened to catch me at the very moment I had my hand on my crotch! Lovely. Now which is more embarrassing: an open fly or people seeing you grab your crotch?

This is not an isolated incident. I have a tendency to pull up my pants as I am walking in the hall, after leaving my office. So I risk the department chair/advisor/other professors/grad students/former students/current students/random people catching me yanking up my pants by the belt loops. If they are exceptionally lucky, perhaps they'd witness both the yanking of the pants accompanied by the individual leg shake (left 1^st, then right). You know, it makes the belt loop yank twice as effective at making the crotch of my pants line up with my actual crotch. Especially if the pants are a wee bit tight in the thigh (damn quads) and a wee bit loose in the waist. Whenever I am caught, I immediately let go of the pants and put my hands up (I wasn't doing anything…honest!) or pretend I was looking for something in my pocket (often while muttering "where the hell are my keys"). Either way…AWKWARD!

That reminds me of another incident involving a student (not involving my crotch, thankfully). Some of you may have heard this one already…or witnessed it.

One day (several years ago) I got back to my office after teaching and I noticed that my sweater was on backward! But that's not the embarrassing part; it was a black turtleneck sweater and the back and front were indistinguishable on the outside. Even so, I feel that I must make it right; even I'm the only one that knows. So I turn it around.

Just as I am slipping my right arm back into the sleeve of my sweater, one of my students appears at the door. An expression of shock, horror and embarrassment appears on his face. He shoved the paper into my (right) hand before booking it out of the office. He apparently thought I was changing in the middle of my office with the door open! At noon! On a Tuesday!

From now on, I'm gonna be careful. I'm going to wear a button down shirt tomorrow – it's easy to tell when they are on backward. And a skirt. Skirts don't have crotches.

Someone stole my pants!!!

I actually had a pretty good day, even though I got about 2 hours of sleep. Teaching went well, and I'm feeling a bit better somehow (given lack of sleep). Although one of my students (a different one this time, the usual creepy guy was absent today), is being a little creepy. I dropped my pen while I was lecturing. Before I even started to bend down and pick it up from under the table, a student (male) sprang from his seat, darted past the 2 students sitting in front of him, and reached under that table to retrieve my pen. He was at least 15 feet away. Did he predict I would drop my pen? How did he get to it that fast?

The pen was about 2 inches from my feet. I was standing behind the table. I thanked him, of course. The half of the class that actually noticed were looking at me like, WTF? I'm sure I had the same expression on my face. Who does that? If I had rolled near him, then that would be a normal and polite way to act. To bound across the room and dive underneath a table in front of 41 of your classmates is just…weird.

I get back to my apartment and get my mail. I had signed and left an info notice from UPS. I had ordered some clothes that (hopefully) would fit well. The package was not at the front door and the info notice was gone. I started to get pissed, then I thought that someone may have been kind enough to bring it to my door (Some of my neighbors are very nice). Nope. Perhaps ups didn't deliver it? I check the website. Delivered at 1:53pm. Crap. I want my pants!!! (tee-hee I put crap in front of a sentence talking about pantsJ)

Why new pants are important: On Tuesday, I wore a pair of pants that usually are little big, and are very comfy. And they were unwrinkled. Well, they now are more than a little big. They had no belt loops either. I wore them anyway. In my first class, I was setting up my computer for class. I stepped on the hem of my pants (too big à too long) and took half a step. Luckily I didn't take a whole one – my pants almost fell off!!!

Oh, and I received another AARP card in the mail. Seriously? Yes, seriously.

I'm pissed off, yet amused. And have a splitting headache. However, I am not sad. And the events of today make a good story. I'll take it J.