where my girls at?

...is a question I've been asking myself for awhile. Due to my absence most weekends in the AK, I've really not had much of a social life.

Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty girls to hang with (if their/my schedule permits) in my home state. But here....here I'm kind of alone.

Sure, there are department gatherings...but I feel like I'm a relic from earlier times. An artifact of year's past. Everyone I've met in the department are great....but there is a clear age gap. I need some ladies my own age to hang with. And I mean ladies. I need a ladies' night. Badly. I need to make more of an effort to find those ladies.

Hmmmm, what to say...

In a couple of weeks, the department will have its annual picnic. I didn't go last year...come to think of it don't think I went the year before. But in my pursuit of being (marginally) social, I'm thinking about attending.

So why wouldn't I go? Not because people aren't awesome (well, the one's i know are awesome...and we have a tradition of bringing awesome people in). Or that the food and wine aren't good (they are). So why would I have any trepidation in going????

Well....everyone includes their year in grad school during introductions. Problem is, my year is too obscene to reveal! I don't even think about what year I am myself. Honestly. Also, my general bitterness about graduate school might shine through as well. I'm kind of a poor example of a graduate student....I'm still here!

Second....I feel old. I've seen so many incoming classes come in...and in the last couple of years, I've become aware of a generation gap. Yes, a generation gap.

And third; the department is different. Vastly different than when I was in the first few years of grad school. Students have changed (of course), a few faculty changes, and department norms are different. Hell, I'm not even sure if the department as a whole drinks good beer. If not, that is a tragedy. I learned about good beer my first few years in grad school. It should be part of the socialization process!!!

And of course, I miss my former classmates of years above and below (yes, plenty of them have graduated before me). On to bigger and better things...and soon (hopefully) so will I.

More evidence to convince my students I’m old…

Today I taught about culture stuff; similarities and differences. Oh, and gender roles. I was mentioning that it usually is not see as acceptable for boys to play with dolls, and girls to play with gi joes, like I did. Blank stares. Quizzical faces. It hit me…they never played with gi joes!

Later on in the lecture (I was talking about culture then), I asked them if they remembered George Bush (senior's) gaffe in Australia (V doesn't mean victory in Australia; it means "fuck off"). Just as I was saying this, it dawned on me that they probably don't remember George H. W. Bush. His presidency ended in 1992….most of my students were born in 1990. Oh dear.

Lastly, I show a video about taste – the supertaster one with Alan Alda. For those of you that don't know, cayenne pepper can be used as an analgesic. After the video ended, I was about to say something, what exactly I can't recall. I was going to reference absolut peppar and chipotle beer, probably ask them if they had ever had either. Crap. I can't exactly ask underage students that!

I need new examples. Perhaps I should ask a student what the cool kids talk about these days J.

Blogger in mirror is not as bitter as she appears…

After reading the last couple of posts, I realize how negative I seemed about everything. I don't really feel that way all of the time. I think I blog at times that I am frustrated (or bored). I am really in a better mood than it seems. Still very jaded about school but I am about to start my 10^th year of post high school education (i.e. 22^nd grade). If I wasn't jaded by now, there would be something seriously wrong with me.

In other news, it appears that I've been selected for early admission to an exclusive group. The letter came with plastic membership card. What selective group, you ask? AARP. Yes, that is the old people club. Usually the age is 50, but I guess I get to join 22 years early. I'm thinking about sending in the $12.50 membership fee to make it official. I'd get the senior coffee at McDonalds...and it comes with a magazine! I'm seriously thinking about it – maybe I'd be the youngest ever member of AARP…world record, anyone? So tempting. Now I'm really thinking about it. I could totally be a media whore and it could be one of those weird news stories. I wonder how many calls to media outlets that would take…..hmmmm…

Aww, it asks for my date of birth on the membership form. I could right over "Prefer not to answer", or better yet "None of your damn business!". How about "a lady never reveals her age"? Or I could write a letter yammering on about the lack of privacy these days and how rude it is to ask for so much personal information. If I get denied, I could call them and call them out for age discrimination. My sister's a lawyer, maybe we could sue…ok, ok I'm getting a bit carried away. But seriously, this AARP card has made my day. And I wouldn't being true to my authentic self if I don't get carried away with stuff.

Old, bitter, and alone

I'm at school, sorta trying to do some work. Began making slides for intro. Last time I taught intro was 4 years ago, and the book was in chapters. Now it's in 40 modules…great. Meant to be more digestible, but students never read the book anyway. Not looking forward to having to be here all the time. I will in the fall. I really, really need to go on a roadtrip. Yes, I've been travelling a lot lately, but not on a roadtrip!

I'm tired and bitter right now – didn't sleep much. The department is too quiet…although it is summer and after 5pm, so I should expect it. And there is happy hour right now – where I was not informed. Wasn't going to go anyway – not too happy, and being in the presence of alcohol would probably be a bad thing. Bad mood + alcohol = really bad mood which may include extremely negative sarcasm that makes people uncomfortable, getting very upset, and/or rage. Usually not rage, but it's happened once before. It was not good. All of the above is often followed by vomiting and hangovers. So no happy hour for me. More oreos may be in order though.

Meetings were cancelled today – was offered phone meeting tomorrow or Friday. Must avoid – should just say I'm working on it and I'll communicate via email. Really, really don't care right now – I just want to get out of here. B'ham is in 3 days – need to get ready. I have no clothes to wear.

One thing I'm not bitter about is all of the awesome friends I have. Love you guys!

If you don’t want to read whining and complaining, stop reading here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, I feel quite defeated today. Being a 6^th year, I got booted out of my office and moved to another, more isolated office. I got moved to the counseling side. What happened to seniority? I've been here 5 years already; why should I have to give up my desk? I guess it's meant to be a gentle nudge that I've been here too long (more like a kick in the ass, really). I guess I should feel grateful that I still have an office. My soon-to-be former office is on the main hallway. Thus, people stop by and I can hear the departmental gossip without even leaving my chair. In addition, it has window to outside. It gets too hot or cold, I can open the window. I love my officemates too and don't want to leave (although my new officemates are awesome too…they will never be around though).

New office: kinda on a side hallway. Only near old I/O students like myself and counseling students. Not that I don't like the counseling folks, I just feel so isolated from the I/O happenings. Also, it has only about a quarter of a window…of the atrium. Not an outside window. No temperature control either. Ok, as I'm reading this, I really am whining and should be grateful for an office and stuff, I'm lucky the offices are as nice as they are, blah, blah, blah. I'm still going to pout like a little kid. Try and stop me.

Also, I haven't managed to come up with a dissertation topic in the last three weeks that I haven't met with my advisor. Also, I thought we weren't meeting this week for some reason. Damn. I've been out of town a great deal and have been working a lot on other stuff, but the fact that I've made no progress is really pathetic. I'll probably come up with a half-assed idea (or excuse, if things don't go well) that will get shot down immediately. I hate these meetings. I never have anything worthwhile to say and feel that my attempts at a dissertation are futile. Keep in mind, however that I'm not trashing my advisor. Not at all; I am the one that can't seem to get anything done. I wish someone would pick a topic for me – I'll hate end up hating one I initially liked anyway – If I work on anything too long, it gets old. Really, really old.

I'm frustrated at myself. Now I'm frustrated that can't keep from being frustrated at myself. I have a really, really bad attitude about grad school right now. So bad, that I'm not even sure it is wise to meet with my advisor. I'm afraid that I'll say that I don't care about any of this stuff and that dissertations are pointless. Or that I'll say that I haven't done anything and not sound like I feel bad about it. Probably not a wise decision.

I wonder if I can get away with studying graduate students anxiety who continually procrastinate on their dissertations and how effective ice cream therapy is as a coping strategy. Mmm, ice cream.

So, it’s been an eventful week

In the last week or so 3 friends have gotten engaged (congrats if you're reading) and one that announced her pregnancy (again, congrats). While I'm not exactly ready to do either of these things, it's starting to make feel old. Especially since making that kind of commitment to anyone/thing scares the crap out of me. Should I have such an aversion to these events (for me, not others) at my age? I feel as if I'm regressing sometimes. I like the feeling of having few/no commitments. What other time in my life will I be able to get away with it? I don't have dog, cat, gerbil, hamster, fish, or even a plant (I have a black thumb). I live by myself and have a month-to-month lease (my landlords are awesome – after a year you can go month-to-month, no additional fees or contract). Basically, I could up and leave with 30 days notice. I like this feeling that my life could change drastically at any moment. It never does, of course, but I like that it COULD if I wanted it to.

No dissertation topic quite yet either – I've been out of town so much that I haven't had much chance to work on it. Also, I have other stuff to do. Not that I really want to work on it. I haven't even started the damn thing and just thinking about it creates a tremendous sense of dread. Also, I'm pretty sure that I want go applied. My advisor does not know this, and I'm not sure how he'd feel about it. The thing that made me change my mind: I thought about how frustrated I would be with an advisee like myself. I would go crazy! No, no, no, I don't want that. Not that the higher salary and better chance of living in/near a major city. Not that I'd choose a job based on salary alone but dude, I've got huge student loan debt. Huge. I'd really like to pay off a big chunk of that and then get going with the rest of my life. I hate having so much debt (duh, who does?). It makes me very nervous. I figure I could live like a grad student for a few years after I get done.

On a sad note, George Carlin died yesterday. He was one of the funniest (and accurate) comedians ever. It was smart comedy too. He could have been a philosopher. I guess in his own way, he was. For example, "Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist". Another: "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town". If you haven't heard any of his stuff, you must. Unless you can't stand profanity….then maybe not.

RIP George Carlin