Perhaps that was an unaccredited online degree ya got there

Fun at the school clinic last week...

Nurse asks me if I've ever had a finger-stick to test my blood sugar. I told her not to test my blood sugar, but I mention that its the most painful part of donating blood. She then asks "do they just hook it up?", looking really confused. I really hope she wasn't referring to her finger...but who knows.

Nurse does not know how donating blood works. So I think she knows there is a needle and a bag involved...or does she think there is a tube directly in the donor's arm?

There was talk about food because she was testing me for low blood sugar. Somehow got into the conversation of weight loss. I mentioned that I lost ~70 pounds about 5 years ago. She then asked "Did you keep it off?" while looking right at me. No, I didn't. I used to weigh 60lbs...when i was 7.

A few potentially important things she forgot: She didn't weigh me. Or take my temperature. Or asked if I could be pregnant (no), if I had pain anywhere. Had to take my blood pressure 4 times, using the inflatable cuff.

Seriously, I wish I were kidding.

Why do I always feel like I’m doing it wrong?

I've written numerous proposals. I've gotten ideas off the ground in an afternoon. Why can't I do this with my dissertation? I don't have a system for doing these things. I just kinda haphazardly write and read. Sometimes I read a lot before I write, sometimes I read as I write, and sometimes I write without knowing what the hell I'm writing about. Usually the last one. This is more than slightly problematic. I feel that I need to start writing RIGHT NOW so I start writing. Anything. Pretty soon I have 10 pages of fragmented ideas without connections. Those end up in my "failed dissertation topics" folder. Seriously, I have one named exactly that. It contains 10 documents. Not kidding. So I have been doing work; I just haven't gotten anywhere.

I have an idea, but don't really have an adequate path model (I think in path models) or methodology figured out. Somehow, I need to have one to figure out the other. I have neither.

I have great anxiety when even THINKING about my dissertation, much less working on it. I seriously freak out. Like I am right now. Then I avoid, or at least postpone. I feel like I'd rather do just about anything but my dissertation. Even cleaning out my garbage cans (scrubbing the insides & outsides, not merely taking out the trash) has been more appealing.

I want to come up with something simple that can be expanded. I said I'd have a mini-proposal done by tomorrow. If I can get my ideas together, it shouldn't be too much of a problem (procrastination does pay off sometimes)

I really wonder sometimes how I got through high school, let alone college and most of grad school working this way. I wonder how I get through LIFE this way.