Still here…but no one else is

Currently I'm sitting in my office. Door shut, only the desk lamp on. I no longer have a window to the outdoors, so it's like a cave. I like it.

I was in quite the good mood earlier this morning. I actually went to bed at a decent time (midnightish) and woke up at a decent time (7:30). I got to school at 9:30ish and started working. I still had to enter grades for the semester (it's a process). I did so and in the process saw one of my classmates who had just graduated. I am so happy for him!!! Also, 2 other members of my cohort graduated this semester as well. It's amazing how we started as 1^st years…and now they have their PhDs.

I was not thinking about this at all when I was walking back to my office after entering grades. I was thinking about how I was going to structure my day and which part of the dissertation I was going to work on. I got into my office ---and I saw it; "It" being my (former) officemate's empty desk. There is absolutely nothing on the desk. She's moved out.

I burst into tears before my mind even processed it. My officemate was never in while I was there anyway. I rarely saw her. But the empty desk was evidence that she is gone; getting on with her life. I was not. Or so it feels.

I know quite well this is my own doing; the only person that holds me back is me. I've been pretty good about just working on the dissertation lately and not comparing myself to others, or thinking about my past mistakes/laziness.

Hence, the door is closed. I've had similar reactions the last few times I was in my office, but just a few tears and I got on with my work. I could not stop this time. I told myself I'll give myself 5 minutes to be sad; to cry it all out then get back to work. That didn't work. So I said 10. Still couldn't read the words on the computer screen through my tears. I cried for a half-hour. And now I'm tearing up again.

I feel like I'm overreacting. I knew this was coming. I'd dealt with it already…or so I thought. I'm happy for what my classmates have accomplished!!!! I truly am. Why can't I focus on their gains instead of my loss? This is a very positive event. I should think of it as such. I need to separate myself from thinking that I wish I was there. I'm not, but so what? My friends have their PhD!!! That is an awesome thing. I need to figure myself out of the equation.

I'd really like to get out of my office for a bit. However, I'd like to not look like I'm crying. The asking of "what's wrong?" would bring another flood of tears. Perhaps I could claim allergies?

Damn, I'm really sick of crying in my office.

Barf, sweat, & tears

I'm still in b'ham. I managed to get food poisoning on Monday. Of course, I had to order the biggest sushi/sashimi combo that the restaurant had. Apparently, bad idea. I'd been feeling pretty bad the last couple of days. Thus, I've been spending a lot of my time in my hotel room (i.e. not going out and meeting new people) – although I have managed to do all of my assessments. Thus, I am alone. Alone time means think time. Think time means sad time. Feeling bad physically makes it much worse.

I hadn't been able to work out (run) in 2 days. People have told me recently that I really must be dedicated to work out so often. I don't think about it that way. Dedication is very controlled, very prescribed, focused and goal-oriented. That's not how I feel before I go for a run. I feel the need to run. I feel out of control. I feel like I need my body to keep pace with all of the thoughts going through my head. When I'm running, I feel like they match. After I'm done, all of the bad thoughts aren't always erased, but almost always more manageable. I'm calmer. I feel at least like I accomplished SOMETHING. Luckily, I was able to run today.

Especially now, when I have a lot on my mind, I've needed to work out every day just to keep my emotions in check. Oh, and of course I've cried. I just get to a point where it the crying seems to feed itself. Trust me, I'm a big proponent of getting my feelings out, but there comes a point in which crying is no longer helpful. I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to cry. That's okay. I'm just not going to let it consume me. There are too many other good things in life I'll miss out on if I feel sad & guilty all of the time.

So, this blog is *supposed* to be about grad school, so maybe I should just say that I'm totally stalled on my dissertation (on my end, not my advisor's). I think I just need to spend the last couple of the weeks of summer not working. I'm not focused right now and sitting at my desk for 8 hours staring at my computer screen and checking facebook every 15 minutes is not increasing my self-efficacy. I just want to do the absolute bare minimum to prepare for teaching and not worry about school for a few weeks. I thought that perhaps work may be a distracter, but it's not working well. I can't seem to pour myself into my work and become a workaholic. A workoutaholic maybe. But not a workaholic. I'll start fresh the beginning of the fall semester. I just don't want to feel like I'm failing anymore.

Difficult situations are not fun, but it really makes me feel grateful for all of my friends and support that I have. It continually surprises me how many people come forward when I'm having difficulty in my life. I am unbelievably lucky to have all of you. Thank you. I love all of you.

Dissertation...who cares? I don’t.

Yet another day in which I do no work. I wanted to…I just never made it to my office…or got the articles out of my bag, or even opened the document. I have a meeting tomorrow – so screwed. I'm not going to be around next week (I'll be in 'bama) either, so I should have something to talk about at least. I really don't care at the moment though.

I'm less upset about the breakup today than yesterday (i.e. my box of tissues is no longer attached to me). Still pretty sad about it though. It was a very good relationship with an unbelievably good guy. I'm very sad that I couldn't make it work, that I couldn't be what he deserves.

Must go in tomorrow – don't really have much of a choice. I'd better get to school early…I've got a lot to do.

Taking the puffy red-eye…

I'm back after a weekend in LA for a wedding. Our 10:30pm flight from LAX ended up taking off at 1:26am – that's Pacific Time! We didn't get back to Columbus until almost 9am and didn't get back home until 12:30 pm today. Still pretty tired. And sad. The trip marked the beginning of a lifelong relationship for some (the bride & groom) and unfortunately, the end of a relationship for us.