Rules for gym, grad student edition

Rules to exercise by:

1. If you are wearing a sweatshirt and working out without sweating profusely, I hate you.
   
2. If you have to hold onto the railings of the treadmill, you are going too fast. Especially if you are holding on to the front railing and your feet are at the end of the treadmill.
   
3. Bulking up so much your arms no longer touch your sides is not attractive. Really.
   
4. If I'm gasping for breath, it is not the time to answer your questions, much less explain the difference between unconscious and preconsicious.
   
5. New treadmills shouldn't confuse me…and beep every time a key is pressed. This makes me feel old.
   
6. If the treadmill feels unstable and is loud when walking, don't run on it… for 20 minutes
   
7. People should NOT wear dirty gym clothes. The difference between old sweat and new sweat is noticeable. I have to go to a laundromat to wash my clothes, and I manage clean clothes for the gym. When running outside, however, feel free to reuse…as long as you are running solo.
   
8. If you decide to douse yourself in fragrance, use good cologne (men). No perfume for women. Yes, I have a double standard. I'm a sucker for men's cologne
   
9. If there are earbuds in my ears, assume I can't hear you. At the gym, they pretty much always are, so use exaggerated hand motions to get my attention
   
10. If you decide to talk on the phone while working out, be aware that 1) people will hate you, 2) people will know all of your business.
    
11. Don't drop your heavy weights on the floor. It scares the crap out of me and everyone else.
    
12. If I have underwear that covers more than your shorts (and I don't wear grannies), they are too short. Also might want to make sure there is no ass cheek exposure. Keep in mind that you'll be moving and clothing will shift.
    
13. Don't assume that I'm looking in your general direction that I'm looking at you. I have limited view from the treadmill, and I am usually watching tv.
    
14. Don't stand right behind me while I am running. I assume you are looking at my ass. I don't like that.
    
15. Do NOT, I repeat do not EVER make fun of anyone because of their size.
    
16. Wipe down the equipment. Seriously. Even if you don't think you sweat.
    
17. If you are one of my students, it is appropriate to 1) wave, 2) say hi, or 3) ignore me completely. If you are one of my former students there is option 4): you can approach and chat for a minute.
    
18. Don't make fun of how slow I'm running.
    
19. Lighten up on your landing when running on the treadmill. Be light on your feet – it is better for them anyway.
    
20. When filling up your water bottle, use the lower water fountain. Especially if there 6 people behind you.
    
21. Similar to 20, if you are using the big fountain, don't block the little fountain. A few people will drink out of it (i.e. me)
    
22. Note to vending machine people: don't let everything besides fruit punch be sold out until it is refilled. Especially the Gatorade.
    
23. When running on the indoor track, you don't have to stay in my lane so you pass me by the smallest possible margin. If I can smell the fabric softener on your clothes when the sleeve of your t-shirt touches my face, you are passing to close.
    
24. Some of us sweat profusely. We can't help it. We'll wipe up after ourselves (at least I will)
    
25. Women lift weights too. This does not mean that men should approach and "help" if not asked. Most of the time, we know what we are doing. Scram.
    

I wrote this awhile ago, but felt it especially appropriate for new year's resolutions.

Is a break really a break?

I haven't done much work lately – I keep believing that "the force" will come over me and I will suddenly be irresistibly drawn to the prospect of working 10 hours a day. Hell, how about 2 hours a day? That's more that I've been doing lately. Sad, but this has been the week between semesters – am I not entitled to a little (read: giant) break?

Breaks between semesters are seen very differently in undergrad vs. grad school. In undergrad, breaks were BREAKS; meaning no schoolwork, tests, and papers, anything school-related until the next semester began. In grad school….breaks are often not recognized or even noticed by students/faculty. Or should I say they are noticed (by students at least) but often must be disregarded due to a paper/thesis/dissertation/data collection, etc., that must be done. You know you're in grad school when you find yourself saying to yourself, "Sweet, winter break! Now I can catch up on my work and get ahead on my thesis! I'll be in great shape and not so stressed when the semester starts!" This is often followed by the break passing with little to none of your work getting done. So, you do get a "break" but feel guilty about not doing work every second of it. So you end up being even more stressed at the start of the next semester. You think, "even if I had spent 1hr a day, 1 HOUR, I wouldn't be in this mess. Why was that so hard for me?"

Of course, all of the above is what *I* end up thinking as well as conversations had with fellow grad students. I really wish I was one of these people. Person A: "I'm going to be really productive during the break. I'm also going to go see my grandma, my friend from college in Chicago, ski in Aspen, and redecorate my apartment". Person A actually achieves this, and also manages to volunteer for a soup kitchen on Christmas. Person A is a freakishly productive and organized over-achiever. I don't understand these people so well. I've never been an over-achiever. Well, maybe in elementary school, but after that….

Person B: "Screw this. This is a freakin' break. B-R-E-A-K. I'm not going to do ANYTHING school-related for the next 3 weeks. And I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks. They can call me lazy, but at least I'm going to manage to have fun in grad school once in awhile. ". Person B is a bad-ass. Or they are so freakin' jaded with school they don't care anymore (this is more typical for ABDers as it is damn near impossible to get kicked out now. Hell, getting kicked out sounds kinda good sometimes…)

I've been Person B before. The jaded, bitter person B. Hmm, jaded and bitter seems to be a very good description of how I've felt lately. So FYI: New 1^st years should stay away from me. Far, far away. And no, it's not that I don't like you guys; I think you are some of the coolest people I know that are 6 years younger than me. Ok, you might be the ONLY people I know that are 6 years younger than me. But still, you rock. I will crush your spirit.

On second thought, I have 5 years worth of grad school experience and I've learned (and experienced) a few things. Common thoughts:

• I'm not good enough to be in the program. It was a mistake – a clerical error. They are going to find out soon and kick me out.
  
  • Um, no. You're here for a reason. Do you know how much time faculty spend looking over applications? Seriously, get over it (okay, okay much more easier said than done)
    
• All of my classmates know more than I do.
  
  • Perhaps slightly. Everyone has different backgrounds and experiences. And research areas – the chick that keeps answering the prof's questions about performance appraisal may very well have done her honor's thesis on performance appraisal. You have experience in other areas.
    
• Why am I doing this to myself? WHY?
  
  • Can't answer this one…haven't figured it out myself.
    
• Will I ever have a real job?
  
  • Yes, you will. You may be 30 when it happens (I seem to be on this track) but it will happen.
    
• The people ahead of me know everything! They always know what they are doing.
  
  • Um, no. A thousand times no. We find ourselves confused as anyone on certain topics/projects (big secret: even profs don't even know what they are doing from time to time).
    
• Dude, are we seriously going to read all of those articles? Seriously?
  
  • Yes, yes you will. Learn to skim.
    
• What the hell is the speaker in the colloquium talking about? I don't know, but I should. I know I should. I must be really dumb/stupid/behind.
  
  • Absolutely not. Colloquia rarely are appropriate for all audience. I'm not saying you shouldn't go (you should, you really should; face time is important) but if you find yourself completely lost, it is okay. Colloquia are very rarely geared for 1^st year students.
    

There are even more that I can't remember at the moment. So feel free to approach me/comment, 1^st years. Just don't ask me about my dissertation.