figured i should post every once in awhile

As i've known for awhile, i will not be funded next year. That's been a major cause of stress lately - that and the hospital bill that has not been settled. Yesterday, I met with the co-founder of a consulting firm about some part-time work. Now, the firm is in Pittsburgh, about 2 hours away. He mentioned possibilities of working from here. Their speciality is selection - which has not traditionally been an area i've shown the slightest bit of interest. But the selection systems are so cool...

right after this convo, I get an email that there are part-time teaching opps available next semester. 2 classes and some tuition remission. Max semester pay would be $4200. Total. So as adjunct faculty, I'll get paid less than when I was a TA. Lovely how this works. And I'll be under the same constraints that the TA's will be for intro. No matter that I have 4 years of teaching experience, no autonomy for me. Last time i taught, i had control of just about everything. I feel like i'm regressing

I think i'm going to try to do both if i can. I will never sleep, given i still have several projects and a dissertation. However, i lessen the chance that i will need to move into my car or office. I just want to get done and working that much will not help me get done faster, but I don't feel like i have much of a choice. I'll get paid. It will work out, right? It always has in the past...

i made it...

Spent all day at school, went to dinner & hung out w/bf. Meeting w/advisor was not embarassing (conference behavior was not mentioned), but i thought i had a topic and then i didn't. I thought i had a great idea, but not really doable, i guess, with the manipulation. He wants things theory-based, while i come up with things out of my ass. More interesting that way.

I don't want to do what other researchers didn't do, I want to answer my own research questions. I do want to get started on my dissertation, but I know that the actual data collection and analysis will really suck. Need so many participants, need at least 3 confederates, one at a time. I feel like it will take me until 2012 to finish data collection and then if i actually finish collecting, it will take me another year to analyze it.

Don't get me wrong, it would be a great study and probably get published. But i don't want to spend a year collecting data. I don't really have a year to do that - i want to be done in August 2009. that's next summer.

feeling shizzy

oh, the fun of having the flu. I'm totally quarantined in my apartment. I totally want to get out, but 1) i don't want to spread my germs and 2) I actually don't feel up to it. Strangely, i did yesterday, although i had a fever and i don't now. And to quote my (also sick) bf, "sicky is icky".

Meeting with advisor is tomorrow. Don't want him to think I'm dodging him. Want to face him, well face-to-face, to deal with the conference thing as well as present what i'm thinking. I'm currently not done with the thinking though :)

Got another bill from the hospital. Still over $3,700. ick.

Insight

Change in my life is necessary. I'm afraid of growing up, getting a job, etc. So i've been mediocre at best at the things I've been doing. Hiding out in my apartment instead of doing work, etc.

While I've felt that I needed to "find myself" in the last couple of months, now i just think that I'm lost. Where is that determined, passionate, strong, and independent girl that I once was? I used to be those things, and i've forgotten i can be these things again. I really need to find her. I need to care more about school. I need to become more independent emotionally. I am totally dependent upon others to help me feel better.

I'm unhappy with myself. I've lost respect for myself. I need to gain that back before I others will respect me again. I've felt more at peace now that all of this has happened. I know what i need to do - go forward, not try to relive the past. I do need to grow up, and I need to prove that growing up is not boring. I can't stay here scared. Fear is stopping me, especially academically. If I'm going to be scared, I need to keep moving on while being scared. I need to realize that I CAN DO THIS. I've done things before that no one thought i could. Now that people think I can, I worry that I can't live up to their expectations. So I haven't been trying. I need to try.

Life? I have no life...

Yes, I created this blog 2 days ago, yet this is my 6th posting. Fantabulous.

Went for a run tonight. Ended up going almost 7 miles - groovy (wait, why did I write groovy? ). Had to make myself stop, felt so good. Then when I stopped, my lower body apparently just realized that it had just run 7 miles and freaked out. Seriously, i was pain free running, after switch to walking - serious pain. Doing better now, pain-wise.

Running was probably the best part of my day...I actually felt happy, strong, and in control. That's why I do it...among other reasons. I push myself on my crappiest days because I need it more. I need to run hard, long or both to prove that I can accomplish something. Or that I just can run like a zombie, thinking about nothing.

hopefully later today will be better. Yay for basketball.

2pm meeting

that i'm not remotely prepared for. Instead, i am rooted to my couch, doing anything but work on my dissertation idea. Must not put this off another 2 weeks - i'll feel bad all weekend. and it will be another excuse...I hate people that constantly make excuses.

The work is not that bad; its all in how you think about it. Must actually take a look at it first. That's generally the first step. Must think i can do this - its not too bad. I just don't want to look stupid. But i also don't want to frustrate my advisor. He's been patient, but seriously, i haven't made much progress on my disseration. Gah!

Change...

Do I want change, or do i fear it? In other words, do i want to keep my hair long, or chop it. that is the question...I like the length b/c its easy to take care of, i can pull it off my face when i run, and it looks nice. Chopping it would get the weight of it off of my head; my ponytail sometimes pulls too much on my hair. And it would be something i could change RIGHT NOW, something i can control right now. Would it translate into making other changes in my life?