Writer's guilt: Dissertation edition

Somehow I forgot (at least I think i forgot to write) to write about getting a draft of Chapter II to my advisor. That was last Friday. I'm still waiting to hear back and I am anxious to get started on it. It is odd that I have this strange desire to tackle it head on. I may feel differently after I see the comments, however :-/

I've been reading up as much as I can about policy-capturing and how to analyze policy capturing. I'd tell y'all what it is, but I can't seem to explain it in a way where non-stats people would understand (not that you'd be interested anyway). Hell, I barely understand it. I understand the basic process, but applying it to my study I'm finding really difficult. And analysis - sheesh! There are several ways to analyze the data (once I collect it) but I'm not well-versed in any of them.

I've had 7 graduate statistics classes, yet I don't know how to do this. Awesome, I had to pick a study in which I'm unfamiliar with the methodology. So this has turned the section that is usually easiest to write for me into the hardest. Chapter III is kicking my ass. My way of dealing with this is reading every article and book chapter that has the slightest reference to policy-capturing and the analysis of policy-capturing data. I am doing work, but I have what I call "writer's guilt"

Writer's guilt as how it pertains to the dissertation is the immense amount of guilt that you feel when your dissertation itself - the document - is not being improved or written in for a few days while you figure out how the hell you are going to explain this crap. Even though I am actively working on my dissertation and reading my butt off, I still don't feel like it is real progress because it is not on paper yet. Also, I've been reading things that are only tangentially related to what I'm doing. This very well might be a waste of time, but I've read (and re-read) all of the major articles that deal with policy-capturing in the I/O literature. I've also read a few that are of different disciplines.

So the name of the game is reading, reading and more reading, all whilst feeling incredibly guilty that I'm not producing anything that can be turned in at this point. I *could* take a picture of all of the articles I've read lately, but that would take up a lot of data on an email attachment.

I know I need to give up the writer's guilt and really feel like I'm being productive even though there is no output to show for it. I need to believe that reading is really making progress. I'm certainly spending enough time doing it.

Feeling ok about my dissertation for once

Well, after my last couple post about being discouraged on my dissertation, I am happy to report that I am not so discouraged at the moment. I managed to get another draft of Chapter 1 to my advisor as well as the goals for the semester. He said it looked good and that my goals are doable :-)

Good feedback is always welcome.

My next goal is to get a revision of Chapter 2 to him by next Friday. Chapter 2 is a hot mess, so my goal is to make it less of a hot mess. Not going for perfection here, just improvement. Ok, major improvement. But it is not going to be perfect and I am (mostly) ok with that. Perfectionism is not good for productivity - at least in my case. I feel odd about just doing "well enough", but in actuality, this paper is going to revised so much it is going to be unrecognizable from the first draft when it is all said and done. I can work on polishing it in later drafts.

It is going to be a busy week, that is for sure, but if I can get done what I've set out to do (and I think I can) it will motivate me that much more to tackle Chapter 3 (which is even more a hot mess than Chapter 2).

A plan and a little hope.

I’ve still been discouraged and disappointed in myself. I'm really trying to drown out the naysayers (me) and get on with it. Actually, I can use my dissertation to distract myself from some of the not-so-positive things going on in life. Not sure if that will ultimately be effective, but it is worth a shot. Any mind trick that I can use to get myself to work more on my dissertation is a good thing.

I need to come up with some specific deadlines. I think that the end of this week I should have a revised chapter 1, and perhaps the middle of next week I should have a revised version of chapter 2. I do feel that chapter 3 is the most important piece of the puzzle, and I can continue to work on that, but I see the other chapters as more doable. Perhaps I could even have the next draft of Chapter 1 done today. I only have some (seemingly) minor edits to make.

I'm so not the optimistic cheerleader type, but I'm trying to to pump myself up about this! I have an opportunity to get things done, to make a great accomplishment and contribute a paper that is mine and mine alone. I can do this! Just a little bit (or a little bit more) every day will help my dreams become a reality. I need to do this.

Discouraged

I'd had some really good days last week on the dissertation. Not always getting as much done as I would have wanted, but still making progress (however small). Today, I'm having a really tough time getting going (which happens and I try to push through it). However, I'm feeling completely discouraged about the whole thing. I'm highly disappointed at where I am in the dissertation process. I haven't even proposed it yet, and it has been years since I passed my comprehensive exams. I've been spinning my wheels for years and cannot shake the guilt from that. I'm finding it really difficult to believe that it will ever get done.

I've got this summer to get the proposal in tip-top shape and ready to propose. Some days, it doesn't sound so daunting. Other days, it seems like climbing Mt Everest would be easier. Today is a Mt Everest day. The whole thing is a major disaster, but what is most bothering me is the progress I should have made in the past few years. I know I need to let that go. I need to let it go to be effective, to stop it from dragging me down. Lately, every time I work on it, I have a tremendous amount of guilt from all of the things I haven't done...and all of the things my classmates have done. I am happy for them - but many of them have started years after me, and I am ashamed of my own lack of progress.

If I don't make enough progress this summer, it might be the end of the road for me. That has motivated me at times, specifically last week. Today it is weighing me down. I need to remember that I finished my thesis and passed comps and I wasn't especially confident I would be successful at either. Neither accomplishment was pretty, but I finished it. This dissertation process is not ugly, grotesque even, but I'm hoping to finish it. I just need to find my mojo and some self-efficacy. Anyone have any to spare?

The first post of May!

I apologize for being a little (or a lot) lax on posting. Just not much was going on yet I was somewhat busy.

Well I woke up far to early (for me anyhow) at 5:30 am and had this bright idea to work on the dissertation. I figured that it *is* the first day of work study and thus I should begin working. I just presumed that I would start working a little later, but whatever.

Anyhow, I started my day using http://www.750words.com. I've been using it for awhile, 10 days or so, and it is a good way to get started writing (i.e. mind dump). It can be anything you want it to be - the goal is to write 750 words every day. I've found it surprisingly easy and definitely gets me in the writing mood. It definitely helped today, I went right from there into my dissertation. And I spent a good 3 hours working. Not just 3 hours. A GOOD 3 hours. A productive 3 hours. Any dissertation writer knows that you can spend many hours working on a dissertation, yet not get much accomplished. This was a good day!

Hoping more good days to follow! I might start waking up a bit earlier just to get going. It seemed easier just starting off the day like that - right from bed, no breakfast, still in pjs, just writing. Perhaps I could become a morning person?

Motivation: shame and excitement

I just got back from a conference yesterday (was actually supposed to be Sunday, but I'll get into that later). It was great to see old friends, make new friends, and learn a few things. But the biggest thing I got out of the conference in motivation to finish my dissertation.

There were people that were attempting to motivate me say the usual, "You're almost done", "Just get it done!", "When will you be done" and "Wait, you aren't finished yet?" Let's just say shame is not the best motivator for me and I had a hard time constantly dealing with these questions/comments. My answers? "Yes", "I will", "When it is done", and "Not quite. So I have have a request (for me and others): Please, please, please stop asking when my dissertation will be done!!!!!! Seriously, the entire planet will know when I've finished!

While the former tactics caused embarrassment and shame rather the motivation, there was an aspect to the conference that did motivate me. Namely, the prospect of getting a job. While I've always known that I'd be working after i finished, this particular conference (since so many friends were interviewing) really hit home with me. I want a job! I need to finish my dissertation to get a job! So, lets get going!

I did not do the job placement myself, mostly due to not being in a great place with my dissertation to pursue a full-time big girl job. Once my data is collected however, that will be an appropriate time to start really looking for employment.

Switching topics a bit, I mentioned earlier in the post that I was supposed to get home on Sunday instead of yesterday. The flight I scheduled to be on was oversold. Vouchers for future travel were being offered, first $100, then $150. I volunteered, but I've done so before and never got a chance to be bumped.

I did in fact get chosen. I figured that I'd be on the next flight, which left at 6pm (my original flight left at 4pm). Turns out the next flight that had room was at 6am yesterday. And they'd put me up in a hotel (the Hilton at the airport - very nice!), give me some food vouchers, and a voucher for $200 of my next Continental flight. Score!!!!! Sometimes being ABD and having no set schedule does pay off. So I got home yesterday morning with plans for another trip :-)

So I'm off to work on my dissertation - I have a feeling I'll be making a lot of progress :-)

The aftermath of a few days away...

Sooo, I just got back from Tampa - I was visiting my wonderful SO. I had a good time, forgot about my responsibilities for 8 days. Then I came home. Everything that I'd left was waiting for me (of course).

I had planned on working on a presentation and my dissertation while I was gone. My SO was gone all day for work, so surely I could have cranked out a few hours of work. Welllll, I found other things more interesting, like Busch Gardens, the Dali Museum, local cuisine, and being lazy. So the 8 day came and went, with no progress on anything, except for seeing some sites and spending some quality time with my SO for the 1st time in 6 weeks.

At this time, I'm trying to catch up. I've got a presentation to give on Tuesday unrelated to my dissertation. And of course, the dissertation itself. But I'll be leaving again on Thursday for a conference. Granted, I'll probably be able to get in some presentation/posters that are related to my dissertation (hopefully none TOO related), but I know most of the time will be spent "networking". Which includes actual networking, but also a lot of catching up with old friends, drinking, and eating plenty of deep-dish pizza.

Time to get back to work - I need to get some more stuff done before my butt goes numb from sitting in this stupid chair from my dining room table. You'd think I would have invested in a proper office chair long ago; but no, my massive amount of education has made no impact on me procuring necessary office equipment for a suitable place to write.