And after a loong hiatus, I am back.

Wow, i really need to update more often. Let's see things that have happened since I last posted: summer, a good deal of the fall, a book chapter I wrote was published, I got an internship next semester, and I am unemployed (until January).

Starting with the later, I was really disappointed. I thought that a teaching position in the fall was all but guaranteed, but due to budget constraints, it was not to be. I totally understand the reason, and the department has come through for me countless other times, so I really can't be upset about it. I applied to every school in the area, however, and didn't even get an interview. I believe I can be upset about that. Yet i know that the economy sucks, whether for individuals or organizations...so I do understand the predicament many businesses are in. In addition, I applied to many random jobs in the area without so much as an interview. Thus, I am on unemployment. It's not enough, and I feel guilty about taking it, but it is something. And I need to eat. It was about to be revoked a few weeks ago, but luckily I won my appeal.

So, on to better things: the book chapter that I co-wrote is published! It's in a giant book on performance management. It is really cool to see my work in print!

And the biggest thing of all: the internship. But it is not just any internship, it is in Germany!!!! I've never been outside of the US or Canada and have always wanted to travel but never had the time or money to do so. It is a paid internship as well, so I'll be making (a little bit) of money; enough to get by over there. I'm rather excited, to say the least, but there are some loose ends to be taken care of before I leave. The biggest loose end is my apartment. What to do with it: sublet, put it all in storage????? I'm coming back before the end of the semester, so I might not find anyone to live here. And I'm not relishing the thought of packing up all of my belongings. But honestly, I could be living in a less expensive apartment. I guess I'll see how that goes.

The other big thing is learning German. I took 5 years of French; so my foreign language training is not helpful for me at all. Trying to teach myself and it is going ok thus far. I'm trying to put in a couple of hours a day. I didn't think I'd need to learn much, but apparently my roommate over there does not speak English. Yikes! And i want to be able to communicate with people there in general. The company I am interning for does 70% of their business in English, so I'll be okay there. I'm just a bit nervous about speaking a language that I have had no formal training in learning. Granted, I'll probably get through more than a semester's worth of German on my own - I can accelerate the process a bit; I'm willing to spend a good chunk of time everyday learning.

I'm sure that lots more has happened in 6ish months...I'll try to update more often...I promise!

Is this what other people’s days are like?

I've been ridiculously productive in the last couple of days. Today, I finished everything I intended to – including working out, grocery shopping besides the dissertation stuff. Meeting is tomorrow, and I'm ready. It's nice to have a meeting that I feel ready for. I just have to reorganize some stuff and I'm good.

I love feeling like I'm actually getting stuff done. In grad school it seems that NOTHING is ever "done". There is never a real break, where there's nothing that we should be doing. If not classes, it's theses or dissertations, other projects….etc.

I love days like these! I hope they continue….I'm going to do my best.

Never fails…

I'm supposed to be in Detroit right now. Where am I? My apartment. Why?

Several reasons. Just got an email asking about meeting…on Monday. Yikes. Not so compatible for the weekend of fun that was planned. However, this is my own fault. I've been procrastinating all week, thinking the meeting would be later on in the week. Eek.

Second reason: I had an allergic reaction to mangoes. Yep. Turns the mangoes are in the same family as poison ivy. I'm very allergic to poison ivy. So my lips and all around my mouth are red. And itchy. It's not pretty. Hopped up on Benadryl now. Did make me sleepy, but last does made me a little wired.

I'm going to try to do as much work as possible and leave tomorrow. Hopefully this will work out. I haven't been back to Detroit in about 5 months.

Work, work, work!

Still here…but no one else is

Currently I'm sitting in my office. Door shut, only the desk lamp on. I no longer have a window to the outdoors, so it's like a cave. I like it.

I was in quite the good mood earlier this morning. I actually went to bed at a decent time (midnightish) and woke up at a decent time (7:30). I got to school at 9:30ish and started working. I still had to enter grades for the semester (it's a process). I did so and in the process saw one of my classmates who had just graduated. I am so happy for him!!! Also, 2 other members of my cohort graduated this semester as well. It's amazing how we started as 1^st years…and now they have their PhDs.

I was not thinking about this at all when I was walking back to my office after entering grades. I was thinking about how I was going to structure my day and which part of the dissertation I was going to work on. I got into my office ---and I saw it; "It" being my (former) officemate's empty desk. There is absolutely nothing on the desk. She's moved out.

I burst into tears before my mind even processed it. My officemate was never in while I was there anyway. I rarely saw her. But the empty desk was evidence that she is gone; getting on with her life. I was not. Or so it feels.

I know quite well this is my own doing; the only person that holds me back is me. I've been pretty good about just working on the dissertation lately and not comparing myself to others, or thinking about my past mistakes/laziness.

Hence, the door is closed. I've had similar reactions the last few times I was in my office, but just a few tears and I got on with my work. I could not stop this time. I told myself I'll give myself 5 minutes to be sad; to cry it all out then get back to work. That didn't work. So I said 10. Still couldn't read the words on the computer screen through my tears. I cried for a half-hour. And now I'm tearing up again.

I feel like I'm overreacting. I knew this was coming. I'd dealt with it already…or so I thought. I'm happy for what my classmates have accomplished!!!! I truly am. Why can't I focus on their gains instead of my loss? This is a very positive event. I should think of it as such. I need to separate myself from thinking that I wish I was there. I'm not, but so what? My friends have their PhD!!! That is an awesome thing. I need to figure myself out of the equation.

I'd really like to get out of my office for a bit. However, I'd like to not look like I'm crying. The asking of "what's wrong?" would bring another flood of tears. Perhaps I could claim allergies?

Damn, I'm really sick of crying in my office.

Let’s just go with this for now….

So I've been pretty bad about posting. I've been working fairly hard on my dissertation and wrapping up the end of the semester of teaching. I've still had difficulty nailing down my specific design and hypotheses. Still.

I've got a good deal of anxiety going lately; dissertation related for the most part, but I'm sure some other random life stresses have contributed. Thus, I've just been working on the lit review (for the sections I know are going to be there). Not the most efficient way to do it, but I can work on it without staring blankly at the screen for hours. Or freaking out. I don't know why I have so much anxiety with writing my dissertation. So I figure that working on it in some way (even if not the best) is better than nothing. I'm not so sure my advisor is in agreement, but if I can just get over this anxiety thing, I'll be able to nail things down and really get moving. Or so is my goal.

Been doing yoga the last few days and it is really helping with the anxiety. I actually did a couple of sun salutations in my office the other day. Felt kinda weird, but it relaxed me. Whatever works, right?

Trying to get caught up, illness trying to get the best of me.

What's even better than being away and trying to catch up on all the stuff that should have been done before I left as well as all of my current duties/work? Getting sick and trying to catch up with said duties/tasks/responsibilities. Not like a cold sick, but have a lovely case of the flu, complete with nausea (etc.), fever, exhaustion, and an incredibly fuzzy head. You know the fuzzy head feeling you get when you start to get/are sick? Not so much fun. Also, not being able to eat much has also greatly hindered my productivity.

I felt great on Friday – did a bunch of errands including hand-washing my car. Ambitious, yes. By about 9pm on Friday I felt horrible again. Yesterday I didn't feel great either. Today, not sure if I have a fever, but unless my apartment is actually less than 55 degrees, which is not likely, I probably have a fever. And the nausea is back in full force. Back to pretzels, applesauce and vernors. Oh and popsicles. Full of nutrients, I know. I just can't handle much else right now. The bright spot – I lost all of the weight I gained in B'ham and New Orleans!

Also, I have some wacky rental insurance issues – they are cancelling my policy for some unknown reason. And of course, business hours are only between 8 -4pm M-F. And my PayPal account was hacked into, leaving me minus $700. Luckily the case was resolved today (yay for PayPal working weekends!) and I have my money back. Was able to read an article yesterday. Not much, but it is something. Going to try to read a couple more, integrate some of the research into my dissertation, and grade papers which I promised my students I would have graded by tomorrow. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except that I decided to let them redo their papers if they wanted a higher grade. Thus, I need to give them time to do that, and the semester is almost over. Yeah, that's biting me in the ass now. So if I don't complete them on time, they are going to be mad that there is not enough time to revise them. If I hadn't offered that opportunity, they wouldn't care if they ever got their papers back, just so long as their grades are posted on the website. Oh well, I have this conscious when it comes to teaching; I have a need to go beyond what is required and I have to do the best job I can, regardless if it causes me stress. Even though these extra things that I do rarely end up in the student evaluations, I feel guilty if I don't do everything I can realistically do to make it a good class, to give students an opportunity to succeed without being too lenient with grading.

I should really get back to work on my dissertation, at least for a couple of hours. And should try to grade at least 1/3 of the papers today. Those are my goals. Also, I'm hoping to eat some "real" food today too, but unfortunately it doesn't appear that this will happen today.

Been trying to catch up…

After a fantastic time in New Orleans last week, I'm trying to catch up on all the stuff I should have done before I left, as well as the stuff I should be doing currently. I'm not on top of stuff. Shocking, I know. Funny that I can say that about myself, but can't stand to hear it from other people. And I've been hearing it from other people quite frequently lately.

Haven't been feeling well either; actually felt pretty well all day but starting to feel bad again. I hope I feel better tomorrow – I've got to teach and do more work.
Sorry this is not a remotely interesting post. Figured I'd just let people know I'm alive.