Just can’t get it together

The last 2 days have been the longest, least productive days I've had in a very long time. Sure, I was on my computer for 10 hours yesterday…I wrote 3 words for my dissertation proposal. I'm seriously frozen with fear over this. It's really, really stupid, I know. I can write just fine. I'm not the greatest writer ever, but I can write research proposals. Not this one.

I was supposed to turn in the mini-proposal yesterday. I have no more done today than I did yesterday morning. Have I emailed my advisor about the delay? Of course not. What would I say? That I'm too scared to do it? True, but not acceptable. I shouldn't be this anxious about this. I'm making it worse the longer I drag this out. I just have no confidence in myself. At all. For my dissertation at least. I was able to get the book chapter revisions done earlier this week without a problem. I can write in my journal or my blog (obviously). Those are different. I seem to be shooting down my own ideas before I write them down.

I just can't seem to do it and don't believe that I'll actually get it done. I KNOW this is all in my head and that it's just up to me to just DO IT. I'm just having a great deal of trouble with that. I need to be able to turn off my brain to do it. Sounds weird, but I have so much anxiety and negative self-talk going on, I'm analyzing things very harshly before it get my ideas on paper. Thus, my ideas aren't on paper (or the computer screen). I wish I didn't think so much sometimes. More specifically, I wish I didn't analyze every single little thing that goes on in my life. It gets really tiring. So I'm exhausted, yet I get nothing done.

Someone smack me. Please?

Why do I always feel like I’m doing it wrong?

I've written numerous proposals. I've gotten ideas off the ground in an afternoon. Why can't I do this with my dissertation? I don't have a system for doing these things. I just kinda haphazardly write and read. Sometimes I read a lot before I write, sometimes I read as I write, and sometimes I write without knowing what the hell I'm writing about. Usually the last one. This is more than slightly problematic. I feel that I need to start writing RIGHT NOW so I start writing. Anything. Pretty soon I have 10 pages of fragmented ideas without connections. Those end up in my "failed dissertation topics" folder. Seriously, I have one named exactly that. It contains 10 documents. Not kidding. So I have been doing work; I just haven't gotten anywhere.

I have an idea, but don't really have an adequate path model (I think in path models) or methodology figured out. Somehow, I need to have one to figure out the other. I have neither.

I have great anxiety when even THINKING about my dissertation, much less working on it. I seriously freak out. Like I am right now. Then I avoid, or at least postpone. I feel like I'd rather do just about anything but my dissertation. Even cleaning out my garbage cans (scrubbing the insides & outsides, not merely taking out the trash) has been more appealing.

I want to come up with something simple that can be expanded. I said I'd have a mini-proposal done by tomorrow. If I can get my ideas together, it shouldn't be too much of a problem (procrastination does pay off sometimes)

I really wonder sometimes how I got through high school, let alone college and most of grad school working this way. I wonder how I get through LIFE this way.

How appropriate

more cat pictures

And the weekend is over…

Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! I got a chance to relax a bit, although I did have some work to do. Did I finish all of it? Of course not. I've got revisions due tomorrow. However, I did not specify what time tomorrowJ. He certainly won't have them at 9am. Noon? Maybe. Six? More likely. I'm going to try to get up early and get them done as fast as possible. Hopefully, the urgency to finish the revisions will be the same tomorrow morning. Does anyone find very urgent things not so urgent when you have to wake up early? I often turn off the alarm, decide that I can get 6 hours of work done in 2 hours, turn over and go back to sleep. Notice I didn't hit the snooze. I never seem to, then wake up at 11am when I intended to get up at 7am.

I'm not sleepy either. I hope I can get to sleep before 2am. I seem to lose track of time at night. Everything seems more interesting at night.

*sigh* I must be very productive this week. I seem to spend a lot of time at school, but I don't seem to get a lot of work done. If I could focus really well for a couple of hours, I could get so much done. I'm so distractible. Adult ADD? Or grad student apathy? I used to be scared shitless that I'd get kicked out for my first 3 years of grad school. That's powerful motivation. Sure, I can disappoint people (I can be really good at that), but it would be pretty damn hard to get kicked out now. No tests to fail. No real deadline for dissertation. Think we get 10 years (total) to obtain our PhDs before we have to take comps over. So, I need to finish by August 2013. I've got some time….

Focus, focus, focus!

Here it is July 4^th….and I'm in my office at school. I'm over-caffeinated and have a very short attention span. Fireworks start at 9:45 & I already have a parking spot (I got here at 5). The parking deck is the best place to watch them. I really could have gotten these revisions done tonight, but I must drag everything out as long as possible

*stares at picture on bulletin board and notices the progression of highlights in her hair. Wonders how she got so blond. Happy she got some lowlights this time*

Geez, I can't even focus long enough to write this blog post without random thoughts coming to mind.

*gum has lost its taste. Must replace. Where is gum? Ah, found it. Spearmint. Where's the pina colada flavor? I guess spearmint will do*

Is it 9:30 yet? Going to watch fireworks at 9:30.

*chomps on gum and looks around for something to amuse her. Nothing is*

So, my goals this weekend are the finish the book chapter revisions and get a good start on a mini-proposal for my dissertation.

*wonders why she can never type "dissertation" right the first time. It always ends up being my "disseration". Ooh, pretty purple flowers on calendar for July. Not sure what kind though. Wikipedia?*

Well, I've got 14 minutes; I should do a little more work.

*Wonders how many she needs to spin in chair to make self dizzy? Decides to find out….whee! *

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Ouch! Stop doing that!

While everything else seems to be going well or at least ok, my stomach is very, very angry at me. And has been for days. Could this be the ulcer I was promised 5 years ago? I already buy Zantac in bulk (Costco has a 95 pill bottle, fyi). Having similar pain to gallbladder attacks…except that I no longer have one. Is my gallbladder haunting me? I think so…