Happy holidays…not so happy unemployment

It appears that I will be unemployed next semester. I was supposed to teach a class, but only 3 students enrolled so it was cancelled. Bummer. Been looking at some other schools…I hope that someone has an open position somewhere. I really miss teaching already…its not the best paying job I can get, but I enjoy doing it. Sure, there are hassles involved (like all jobs) but it is the most rewarding job that I've ever done. Just for students to say they enjoyed the class means a lot to me. Plus I get used to seeing the same people every Tuesday and Thursday for 16 weeks; it seems a little weird not to. And a little sad that I probably won't ever see most of them again.

Needless to say, this lack of job thing has been a bit stressful. Especially during the holidays, when money is already tight (isn't it always for grad students?). I'm hoping I can find something part-time in the area; otherwise I may have to go and get that full-time job that I was planning to get when I finished my dissertation. There are no openings remotely close to akron, either. Not even adjoining states. Really don't want to do it, but I guess if I have to, I have to. Going to exhaust other options first.

Although this has sucked greatly, I really appreciate all of the help and support I've gotten from friends and family. Thanks J

What grad school does to you…

Friend: "what did you do last night?"

Me: "i did something crazy"

Friend: "what did you do?"

Me: "I graded papers until 3am"

Friend: "sounds like a crazy nite"

Me: "Oh yeah! The stapler, the white-out, the red pen, and a whole bunch of paper clips; all of the cool office supplies were there! Except the 3-hole punch; his schedule was jammed. Didn't need him anyway."

Friend: "U crazy"

Me: "Well at least I haven't named my stapler or anything. I would name him Butch, but he's not that strong – can't take more than 20 sheets at a time. I may dump him soon tho, for one that can take 50. I would name that one Butch".

Friend: "Wow. Should I be nervous or scared?

Me: "See where 9.5 years of post-secondary education gets you?"

Sicky is icky

I've managed to get myself sick. Lost my voice completely. Couldn't even teach today. Luckily, I have generous classmate that taught for me. This is the first time in 4 ½ years of teaching that I've had to have someone cover for me because of illness. Hard to teach though with no voice. Add coughing, fever, headache and really sore throat = no go.

I also got the wonderful news that I've been rejected from the health insurance plan I applied to. Great. I don't consider myself a sick person; I have a chronic condition that requires medication and infrequent doctor visits. With medication, I don't have any symptoms. But the insurance company does not classify me as healthy. Never mind I'm an appropriate weight for my height, work out 4-5 times a week and have resting heart rate of 63. I understand that I would have to pay more for health insurance (because I actually use it). That's a given. But deny me coverage? That's just unfair. I'm hoping I'll find something in the next 28 days…cobra runs out then. Going to apply for a few more…wish me luck.

Thanksgiving…

I had a lovely thanksgiving break. I ran the turkey trot on thanksgiving morning, had the traditional thanksgiving foods, and hung out with friends. I didn't do as well as I would have liked (1:04:54) but I did finish. I'll go for a new PR next time, I suppose. A couple of friends came down to watch me run and I ran into some friends I hadn't seen in a long time. It was a lot of fun.

I'm sorta seeing one of the guys that went to see me run. He's a great guy and it really meant a lot to me that he'd go watch me (and drag a friend!). It is funny really; I'd planned on being single for quite some time, perhaps a year or so. Although I am not sure how to classify relationship status at this point; I guess we shall see…

I need to travel more...I've only been to 33% of the US

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When life doesn’t go as planned

When life doesn't go as we'd planned, it is difficult, disappointing, sad, etc. I've lived long enough and gone through enough stuff to believe that everything works out in the end. I applied to graduate school for 2002. I applied to 4…did not get into any. Second time around, after taking some grad classes as a non-degree student, I got into a top-ten program – something I never imagined would happen. In this instance, things worked out much better than I thought they would. And I am happy that I went through that. I could have quit. But I didn't – I wanted this too bad. Even though I might sound jaded at time, I remember how hard I fought to be here.

Perhaps it is the same with love. When we are hurt, deeply hurt and wounded, when our hearts are raw and bleeding, it is very difficult to believe that you'll ever heal. Or that you'll find anyone else that you'll care about as much. Or that anyone else will feel about you that way. Others tell us that we will; that there is someone out there for us. Of course, no one knows this for certain. Giving that advice usually means that we do not know what else to say to that person to make them feel better. And when on the receiving end of this phrase, it is very easy to discount this. No one else could possibly fit better than him/her.

That may actually be true; we might never find 'the one'. In fact, is there just one person that is made for us? Or are there multiple people we are compatible with? I used to think that there is one person we were meant to be with. Now…not so much.

It is hard to let go, to move on. It is hard to allow ourselves to feel for others again. It is hard to be vulnerable again, to let someone else in. To trust that person with your emotions, your proverbial "heart". It is hard to allow ourselves to consider ever being in a relationship again after a really good one ends.

I certainly hope that I eventually find one of the "the ones". However, I think I could be happy without this. I have so many wonderful people in my life; friends and family. I love life. All of it, even the bad stuff. Why? The bad stuff often shapes us as people. Those struggles we have make us stronger, more resilient. They open our eyes to different perspectives, to understand others better. This is going to sound cheesy, but I believe that the more we understand each other the more we can love, to connect with our fellow man/woman. Often, people don't listen to what others have to say; just rely on stereotypes. Just be open, listen to each other. We may not agree with each other, and that's ok. But if we can get an idea of where someone is coming from, we can understand. Often, our core ideals are similar, regardless of religious affiliation or political party. World peace, a cure for cancer, etc. All that good stuff. We just have different ideas on how to get these things.

So it is Saturday night…

Saturday night. Perfect time to…admire my newly cleaned apartment. Between cleaning my apartment and the 4 mile run I did yesterday, I'm a bit little sore. Actually, my apartment isn't completely cleaned…I opened the blinds that looked dirty…they look less dirty that way. I still haven't found a way to clean them that doesn't take hours. And I have 2 giant windows….i can't fit those blinds in the bathtub. Somehow, they have dirt encrusted on them that cannot be dusted away. Or rinsed away. I've been submerging the smaller blinds (which are really long, btw) in soapy water, then wiping off every individual slat. Did I mention that these blinds are very long? I've got windows in the living room that are taller than me. Rinse. Dry. Rehang. Wipe each slat AGAIN. Very tiring, very time consuming. And I have 9 windows…8 of them have blinds. If anyone has a great idea how to clean blinds better, let me know. I've even tried the compressed air used to clean out keyboards.

I need a rug for my living room and potentially my bedroom. Why are rugs so expensive? Seriously. Curtains are too. I'm thinking about hiding my dirty blinds behind curtains. Or I could take the blinds down entirely.

*sigh* I think I'm going to take a ridiculously long, hot shower now. The put on my sweats. Yeah, that sounds good.

Running in the rain…

I love running in the rain. Love it. I love running in the snow, even on the ice if I've got my polar cleats. I love running when it's dark out. Granted, running in the rain is nicer in the summer, but I was smart enough to wear a windbreaker, my Tigers baseball cap, and the kind of shorts that repel water. A few things about running in the rain:

1. Instead of making a satisfying crunching sound, the leaves go squish when you step on them.
   
2. Jumping into puddles is exhilarating for about 2 seconds…until your new mizunos are soaked (had to break them in anyway). Although once they are soaked, jumping into puddles becomes mandatory since your feet can't get any wetter.
   
3. You hear the whoosh, whoosh rhythmically as the hood of your windbreaker rubs against your hat/head for 4 miles. You had to turn up Christina Aguilera, Eminem, Journey, and T.I. because of this.
   
4. For some reason, you had spent 25 minutes this morning blow drying your naturally wavy/curly hair to be perfectly straight…its not anymore.
   
5. Finding your shins covered with mud when you arrive home is both a badge of honor…until you realize there is a high likelihood that the mud is manure (the natural fertilizer).
   
6. People driving slow down to take a look at you. Probably thinking one of 2 things: 1) That poor girl needs a ride, 2) um, is she crazy? (answers: no and yes)
   
7. Sidewalks are empty…you are such the dedicated runner.
   
8. You'll want to brag on your blog that you are so dedicated (read: crazy) that you ran in the rain.

I never knew I could sleep so late…

I'm so tired. Just finished teaching a couple of classes. Barely made it in time to teach today…and I teach at 1:45! I slept through all 3 of my alarms. When I woke up and looked at the clock is read 1:43. Yikes!! Luckily, I have still not turned my clocks back yet. Luckily, I was totally prepared for class; which is actually a rarity. So that was ok. And I managed to find a way to put up my hair so it looked like I had washed it. I just got up, got dressed and went to teach.

My body hates me for some reason…I'm all achy. I was going to run 5 miles last night…until I realized that I felt like crap (denial can be good sometimes) and had a (low-grade) fever. Apparently, the Mayo Clinic website says you should never exercise if you have a fever. So I didn't. I haven't run or done any sort of exercise since Monday!!! I rarely go that long between exercising. I'm not sure I'm going to be doing any exercise tonight either L. If I'm just tired, I should go and run. If I'm sick, then I shouldn't. Sometimes it is hard to tell. If I am just tired, running makes me feel better. I guess I'll see how I feel in a few hours. I may take a nap.

I'm not running tonight, am I?

Halloween/election

I had a lot of fun on Halloween this year. I was sick and missed some of the festivities (include a 5k I told a student I would run), but made it out to 1 party at least. I was dressed as the runaway bride, which fits my state of mind quite well right now. My state of mind being: single is good. Anyway, I had an amazing time.

For class last Thursday, I dressed up as well. I went as my weekend self – complete with sweatpants, a t-shirt and a baseball hat. Some of the students actually thought it was funny. Class was more relaxed than usual…might have been something about the way I was dressed. Or the $16 of candy that I passed out. The first class thanked me profusely…2^nd class – not at all! Seriously, they need to be grateful for things like that – especially since I spent $16 when I hadn't gotten paid yet that month. Still, class was fun…probably b/c I talked about I/O stuff…way too much. Didn't even finish it, have to finish it tomorrow.

Planning on voting tomorrow – thinking 9am might be a good time. Most people have to be at work by then, so the lines may not be as long. However, I do have to be in my office at 11am…so if there is a huge line I'll have to come back after I'm done teaching. Which would be around 5pm. Which probably means I should bring a lawn chair (hmm, don't own one) 'cause it's going to be a long night. Or I could be surprised- everyone could have voted already. What's up with the early voting? How does that work? Not that I could put this to use for this election…but in the future.

And it will finally be over!!! The 2 years of campaigning, negative ads, annoying phone calls…no longer after tomorrow. Yay!!!

I'm quite sad that Barack Obama's grandmother died just a day before the election. She helped raise him and for her to see him be elected president…that would have been awesome. Hopefully, the rest of us will see Barack Obama win the election tomorrow!!! And may his grandmother rest in peace.

I should probably update this….

Not that there is a whole lot to update, in terms of big stuff. I am alive and (mostly) well. It is flu season, after all.

My teaching evaluation weren't bad. I apparently "always look tired" and am sometimes "boring". And "seems nervous" on occasion. That was the worst of it. Several people wrote "she's a great teacher" and one wrote "she's great!". The rest was mostly complaints about the class; stuff I have no control over, such as homeworks & tests. I don't make up either of these. At first glance, it's much easier for me. But the questions are horrible, some are pretty unfair.

A couple of years ago, I taught a social psych class where I was allowed to do pretty much anything I wanted. Making up tests is difficult. It takes a lot of time to make them representative of the content as well as creating questions that are challenging but fair. And there were a few questions I would throw out after the test was taken if many people missed it due to vagueness or improper wording. I was the one responsible, and I was the one in charge. Now…not so much. That associate lecturer title isn't a sweet as it seems….I am a faculty member (part-time) yet I have little control over the class I teach. This is a function of the way this particular course is set up…but still. I'll be teaching a different class in the spring; one that I have not taught before. Prepping a new class is a lot of work, but I'd rather spend more time teaching and testing material in the way I choose.

Reading teaching evaluations requires pizza…and maybe beer

So, I got back my mid-term evaluations today. I haven't opened the file folder yet…I'm a little scared. I know I'm not a bad teacher, but I could be better. There are many more things I could do be a better teacher – some feasible, some not.

We get both numerical ratings (1-5 scale) and written comments. It's not the numerical ratings that generally bother me, it's the comments. Even if I have mostly positive comments, one really negative one will upset me. The negative comments, however, are also the most useful…once the sting goes away. Others are just inaccurate; generally from students that never come to class.

Negative feedback is very useful, but I always have to read them, be mad/upset about the bad ones, and then put them away. I'll get them out a couple of days later so I can see what I can improve upon once I have a clear head. I hope that they are going to be useful, and they are about things I can actually do something about. I'm happy that we do mid-term evals; I can actually change some things before the end of the semester.

I'll just wait for my pizza to be delivered before I start looking at them…

Hopefully I'll have some interesting ones to post later….

“It’s been a DECADE!!!”

This was the response one of my high school classmates made after I told him I was still in school. I also had the joy of explaining to people exactly what industrial/organizational psychology is. For those of you also in this field, you know how tiring this gets. After a while, I began saying "psychology" when people asked what I was going to school for. Of course, I got the "you're analyzing me right now, aren't you?". Or asked what kind of therapy I was going to do. *sigh*. Someone needs to come up with a generic response to the question, "What does an I/O psychologist do?" in 2 sentences or less, in a way that everyone will understand what you mean. If you do come up with something, do share.

Really, this didn't annoy me that much. Most people thought it was cool that I was getting my PhD...or at least that it wasn't pathetic to still be in school (including the classmate mentioned above; he was joking). I had an awesome time catching up with people. People actually remembered me too; I wasn't sure that they would.

It was not an "official" reunion, but it was good to reconnect with those who were there. As I suspected, many people were married and a good number had children as well. There were a few of us that were single (thankfully – I needed people that could relate). And I revealed a crush I had in elementary school (had to get it off my chest; I've kept the secret for 16 years!).

At the end of the night, 8 of us ended up at Coney Island. It was the weirdest combination of people to be hanging out – it never would have happened in high school! It was hilarious! I also learned that a Hani with bacon is awesome…are there any National Coney Islands in OH?

Nope, I just looked at their website. Bummer.

A post where I mention “crotch” too much…almost as much as John McCain said “my friends” in the last debate. Enjoy.

The other day, in an attempt to avoid embarrassment, I checked to make sure my fly was zipped…as I was walking out of the bathroom. I run into one of my students. He looked down and then gave me a funny look. He happened to catch me at the very moment I had my hand on my crotch! Lovely. Now which is more embarrassing: an open fly or people seeing you grab your crotch?

This is not an isolated incident. I have a tendency to pull up my pants as I am walking in the hall, after leaving my office. So I risk the department chair/advisor/other professors/grad students/former students/current students/random people catching me yanking up my pants by the belt loops. If they are exceptionally lucky, perhaps they'd witness both the yanking of the pants accompanied by the individual leg shake (left 1^st, then right). You know, it makes the belt loop yank twice as effective at making the crotch of my pants line up with my actual crotch. Especially if the pants are a wee bit tight in the thigh (damn quads) and a wee bit loose in the waist. Whenever I am caught, I immediately let go of the pants and put my hands up (I wasn't doing anything…honest!) or pretend I was looking for something in my pocket (often while muttering "where the hell are my keys"). Either way…AWKWARD!

That reminds me of another incident involving a student (not involving my crotch, thankfully). Some of you may have heard this one already…or witnessed it.

One day (several years ago) I got back to my office after teaching and I noticed that my sweater was on backward! But that's not the embarrassing part; it was a black turtleneck sweater and the back and front were indistinguishable on the outside. Even so, I feel that I must make it right; even I'm the only one that knows. So I turn it around.

Just as I am slipping my right arm back into the sleeve of my sweater, one of my students appears at the door. An expression of shock, horror and embarrassment appears on his face. He shoved the paper into my (right) hand before booking it out of the office. He apparently thought I was changing in the middle of my office with the door open! At noon! On a Tuesday!

From now on, I'm gonna be careful. I'm going to wear a button down shirt tomorrow – it's easy to tell when they are on backward. And a skirt. Skirts don't have crotches.

Cheerios for dinner

I'm a seriously exciting person. On this fine Saturday night, I am sitting alone on my apartment. I am eating cheerios (yogurt burst) and drinking dr. pepper (diet) for dinner. I've hit a new level of lame.

What to write about? Writing?

I just spent the last 30 minutes composing a blog expressing my frustrations about my students and their inability to read and follow directions. However, that made me more pissed off, so I'm not going to publish it. It's not really what I to wanted to write about. Besides, I'll have more complaints tomorrow after I've received the outlines ;)

What I wanted to write about….actually, I don't know. Good things, I guess. Funny things…although I might be all out of funny for the evening.

Hmm, start with things I like: puppies, fuzzy robes, sweatpants, wasabi peas, Great Lakes Octoberfest (sipping on now), getting my hair done, hugs, running, clipping coupons (glossy paper is fun to cut with sharp scissors). Writing anything not school related. Bunnies mistaken for cats (That cat walks funny….it was a bunny!!!). comments about my facebook status. Sleeping in. random emails.

Writing; I'll go back to that. I have a love/hate relationship with writing. I am terrible at writing academic stuff. And I know that I'm bad at it because I think I am and worry that other people think I should be a much better writer for being in school so long. So writing things such as theses and dissertations are anxiety-wrought events. Generally, the result isn't that bad, and is sometimes even good, but the whole process is horrible for me.

Writing for other reasons; emails, blogs, journaling, etc. I don't care so much how people perceive me – I just write. I know my grammar isn't always the best, and I don't feel like writing all of the time. But I don't let fear of evaluation and self-doubt get in my way. I need to find a way to harness this for my dissertation. I just need to write when I've got ideas, not being afraid that something I write is going to suck, is implausible, is horribly explained.

I've written a lot of poetry/prose as well. That I can write, but I find it difficult to share. It is so personal that I feel like it is letting someone look at a small piece of my life with a magnifying glass. Almost like seeing my soul. Sometimes I feel like I want to share, but the subjects are so personal. They are either love/lost love/lust and/or are very sad. Mostly experiences I've had.

My dissertation is not personal…why do I feel like it is just as revealing?

Ah, I'm up too late again. I've actually been pretty good the last couple of nights. I need to go to bed…

It’s time for another top 10 list

You are a bit too much like me if you've ever:

1. Bought a Frappuccino at the gas station, got your change but forgot the beverage at the register.
   
2. Given the pizza delivery driver his tip, then walk back to your apartment without the pizza.¹
   
3. Shut the door when leaving your office…when your officemates are still IN the office.
   
4. Locked your keys in your office…at 11pm on a Sunday.
   
5. Put laundry detergent and clothes into the washer and forgot to turn it on.
   
6. Never know what time it is; all of your clocks in your apartment and car are set ahead by various numbers of minutes as a way to trick yourself you're on time.²
   
7. Left your apartment at 11am when your office hours start at 11.³
   
8. Attempted to use your office key to unlock the bathroom door.⁴
   
9. Pressed 3 on the elevator when on the 3^rd floor and are puzzled when the door opens immediately and other occupants in the elevator are laughing at you.
   
10. Your clothes have ended up more wrinkled after you iron them than before.⁵
    

¹ The next time you order pizza, the same delivery driver comes to the door and laughs when he sees it is you.

² You are late anyway.

³ One could argue that getting to the office is an essential to having office hours and thus should count as such.

⁴ The bathroom door is always unlocked

⁵ Wrinkles were carefully ironed in. Doesn't effort count for something?

Proper wording is very important…

I may have a real-life example for explaining perceptual sets to my students

Yesterday, when I got my mail, there was a business card for a groomer. Since I don't have a pet, I almost threw it out. I decided to flip it over and read the back. OMG. It said…"In a short time, (former neighbor) will be finished with the punishment."

This would be considered weird for most people, but it scared the crap out of me for several reasons. First of all, this particular neighbor never liked me. He'd never thank me when I opened the door for him and even brushed past me in the hall, hitting my shoulder with his. Totally rude. Never said hello. Also, whenever I made the slightest bit of noise, he'd bang on the ceiling of his apt. For example, I had someone over and while putting down the futon (which does make some noise – I have wood floors), he furiously banged on the ceiling for 5 minutes after. It takes all of 30 seconds to convert the futon to the bed configuration. He seemed to have some anger issues.

The biggest thing, however, is that I know he has a criminal history. I did get sex offender notifications for him. When I looked at his record (yay for public records) I saw that he had some assault charges too.

So, putting this information together, I quickly determined that I needed to leave my apt asap. I took it as he was going to be getting out of jail soon…and that he might come after me. He really seemed to hate me when he lived here.

a bag and booked it over to a friend's apartment, where I called my landlord. She told me that they (his fiancée/wife) were getting their lives together and moved out into a bigger place. She asked me about the business card – what it was for, what it said, etc. When I looked more carefully at the front, I noticed it had the name of the groomer on it. My landlord identified it as his fiancée. Also, there appeared to be a $5 coupon on the card too. My landlord said it was probably her way of telling people that she and H were doing ok and everyone probably got one.

This makes sense, but why would she write something like that on the card? I never talked to them; they didn't know me. However, it is not likely that someone sending a threatening note would leave a business card with her own name on it.

Now I feel silly about freaking out so much about it. The criminal charges against him were quite a while ago. I was really thinking about calling the police. I'm very happy I didn't; that could cause huge problems for them. I hate that I'm that judgmental about people. I am a believer that people can change, if they want to. It sounds like he wants to. Plus, I could have taken a little bit longer to read the card completely. I'm really happy that my landlord knew him well enough to understand what she probably meant.

Ah, the drama.

Still alive…just hungry and tired

I'm back from NYC! I had a great weekend, but I'm frantically trying to catch up with some stuff. I'll post some updated stuff and travel stories later.

Mutiny…narrowly avoided

Today, I conducted an exam review. My "favorite class" slipped in the rankings, big time. While I was explaining exactly how the testing systems work (they take them on the computer at a testing center on campus), and outlining how I was going to conduct the review, my eager to learn, friendly class turned on me. Sudden hatred…great. Especially since I was in a rather jovial mood and quite well prepared.

First of all, the majority of my class said I didn't tell them there was a review sheet posted on the website. Several students did insist to others that I did state it would be posted on the website. Also, I wrote on the homepage of the course website stating there was a review sheet, as well as exactly where to find it. They are *supposed* to check it every day. They glare, save from the few sympathetic glances from those who actually follow directions.

I mention that it is 15 questions that will be very much like test questions. How many questions are on the test? 50, I answer. The class reacts as if I told them they all were going to fail. One outspoken female student asked me, "How can there only be 15 questions on the review sheet and 50 test questions?! You aren't even covering half of the test material" she states indignantly. I hear a few "yeahs" from other students. I am dumbfounded. Somehow they believe that if I give them 50 review questions it would cover all of the test material. *Sigh* I could give them 100 review questions that might do a better job, but they won't actually look at them.

I'm trying to explain that I tried to pick a representative sample of questions that cover the major topics on the test, and that I only have enough time to thoroughly go through 15 questions. I was cut off by the drone of students murmuring about how unfair the tests were and that I should go over EVERYTHING that could possibly be on the test. Um, even with 3 hours of lecture a week cannot cover everything in the book that they need to know. I then wonder if they are still used to chapter tests. They are, in fact, just out of high school.

I tell them that I cannot possibly cover everything that could be on the test. I am asked if I know what is on the test. I repeat what I had said earlier, "Modules 1-4, 6, & appendix A". Dude in the back says, "No, what's on the test". I am perplexed. I state that "that IS what is on the test." "All of it?" he said in disbelief. "All of it", I repeat. The class freaks out. I tell them I mentioned this the first class and reminded them repeatedly that I can only cover the most important things from the text, the rest of it they have to read on their own. Guess what? That's why you have a freakin' book. I also tell them that I can't possibly cover all of the test topics as a review. Unless, of course, I just list them and not explain them. They can get that on the website – and I showed them how to do it in class today.

I ask them if they would like me to post more review question on the website. They say yes. How many, I ask? They don't know. How about 10 more, I say. The outspoken girl exclaims, "That's still only covering half the material on the test". I open my mouth to speak…and close it again. I can't even reason with her – she won't get it.

I agree to the 10 more. They do not look satisfied. I also tell them that I will go over the 15 questions in class, and I can hold another exam review outside of class. I tell them that I'll go over the 15 and then we'll set up an outside review afterward. So we do, and it takes the rest of the class time. I not only showed them the right answer, but asked them why it was right, why the others were wrong. I showed them how to pick out the key words in the questions to tip them off to the answer. At the end of the class, I asked those who wanted another review, outside of class, to please come up to the front….One person comes up to me. Several file past and thank me for the review. Relief.

I'm still in shock how pissed off my students seem. They are usually a dream class – participative, they seem to like learning, and they laugh at my jokes. But today….

Second class was cool; they gave me no problems. Nice.

Full moon tonight – possible explanation?

More evidence to convince my students I’m old…

Today I taught about culture stuff; similarities and differences. Oh, and gender roles. I was mentioning that it usually is not see as acceptable for boys to play with dolls, and girls to play with gi joes, like I did. Blank stares. Quizzical faces. It hit me…they never played with gi joes!

Later on in the lecture (I was talking about culture then), I asked them if they remembered George Bush (senior's) gaffe in Australia (V doesn't mean victory in Australia; it means "fuck off"). Just as I was saying this, it dawned on me that they probably don't remember George H. W. Bush. His presidency ended in 1992….most of my students were born in 1990. Oh dear.

Lastly, I show a video about taste – the supertaster one with Alan Alda. For those of you that don't know, cayenne pepper can be used as an analgesic. After the video ended, I was about to say something, what exactly I can't recall. I was going to reference absolut peppar and chipotle beer, probably ask them if they had ever had either. Crap. I can't exactly ask underage students that!

I need new examples. Perhaps I should ask a student what the cool kids talk about these days J.

Friends…

Every time I need someone, I'm surprised how many people are there. Or would be there, if I asked. I scroll through my phonebook, there are many that I feel like I can call…even at 3am. Sometimes, people really, really surprise me. Like driving a good distance to see me when all I needed was a friend and a night out.

I know I haven't been a lot of fun lately, and a lot of my responses to "How are you?" have been "stressed", "overwhelmed", or "lonely". I'm just trying to get back on track at school…and in the rest of my life. I'm frustrated with myself often and use this as a sounding board. I hate that sometimes I get so caught up in my own life that I forget about other people.

So, let me be the one you can call at 3am. I want to be there.

It doesn’t matter how many times…

It doesn't matter how many times I watch Jim Gaffigan. I always find him hilarious. Even when I remember most of his jokes.

Lately, I have lost my belief in the goodness of my neighbors. I still have not gotten my package that I know for a fact had been delivered. Probably stolen. Grrrr.

Today, my hostility towards my neighbors ended abruptly. Here's how it went down: I went downstairs to the laundry room to (you guessed it) do laundry. All workout clothes and pajamas. I'll have nothing to wear to school all week, but I'll have plenty of clean clothes to sweat and/or sleep in.

Annnyyywayyy, I noticed that someone was drying their clothes. When I got back downstairs…my neighbor had actually taken his/her clothes out of the dryer. I pull out the lint trap….NO LINT!!! Craziness! Usually, clothes end up being in there for hours and the lint trap is beyond full. I just can't believe that at a least one of my neighbors is that thoughtful!

What can I say? Small things make me happy!

Random visits. Wire Mothers. Hot pocket!

Someone stole my pants!!!

I actually had a pretty good day, even though I got about 2 hours of sleep. Teaching went well, and I'm feeling a bit better somehow (given lack of sleep). Although one of my students (a different one this time, the usual creepy guy was absent today), is being a little creepy. I dropped my pen while I was lecturing. Before I even started to bend down and pick it up from under the table, a student (male) sprang from his seat, darted past the 2 students sitting in front of him, and reached under that table to retrieve my pen. He was at least 15 feet away. Did he predict I would drop my pen? How did he get to it that fast?

The pen was about 2 inches from my feet. I was standing behind the table. I thanked him, of course. The half of the class that actually noticed were looking at me like, WTF? I'm sure I had the same expression on my face. Who does that? If I had rolled near him, then that would be a normal and polite way to act. To bound across the room and dive underneath a table in front of 41 of your classmates is just…weird.

I get back to my apartment and get my mail. I had signed and left an info notice from UPS. I had ordered some clothes that (hopefully) would fit well. The package was not at the front door and the info notice was gone. I started to get pissed, then I thought that someone may have been kind enough to bring it to my door (Some of my neighbors are very nice). Nope. Perhaps ups didn't deliver it? I check the website. Delivered at 1:53pm. Crap. I want my pants!!! (tee-hee I put crap in front of a sentence talking about pantsJ)

Why new pants are important: On Tuesday, I wore a pair of pants that usually are little big, and are very comfy. And they were unwrinkled. Well, they now are more than a little big. They had no belt loops either. I wore them anyway. In my first class, I was setting up my computer for class. I stepped on the hem of my pants (too big à too long) and took half a step. Luckily I didn't take a whole one – my pants almost fell off!!!

Oh, and I received another AARP card in the mail. Seriously? Yes, seriously.

I'm pissed off, yet amused. And have a splitting headache. However, I am not sad. And the events of today make a good story. I'll take it J.

So why aren’t you grilling something?

After a long, aimless drive (I do that sometimes), I decided to go to chipotle. Yummy. When I get to the cash register to pay for my burrito bol, the guy at the cash register says; "hey, why aren't you out grilling something?" Incredulous, I reply, "Because I have no grill, yard, patio, or balcony". Who asks something like that? Who asks something like that when you are purchasing food?

I've spent this weekend catching up on some things and getting some sleep. I'm no longer sick (*knocks on wood). I just needed a relaxing weekend to quell my anxieties about school/teaching/life. It's helping. If I'm prepared this week, it will go soooo much better than last week.

Ok, that's b.s. I haven't done any work this weekend, and I've stayed up way too late. The no longer sick thing is true, however. I'm just as anxious (due to lack of work done) and dreading the upcoming week. I also feel a little lonely. Why, I'm not sure. I did spend the weekend alone, but I'm usually cool with that. I talked to my folks, but it didn't seem to help.

Well, I shouldn't feel lonely tomorrow – there will be plenty of people around me then…

Getting used to having students again…

I'm not used to running into my students on campus. As I wrote before, it's been 2 years since I've taught undergrads. Forgetting to take this into account, I went to the gym this afternoon in workout pants that are just a wee bit too short to be full-length pants and a bit too long to be Capri pants. With these pants, I wore a very wrinkled (but clean!) t-shirt. Not that I usually dress up to go the gym, but I was looking particularly disheveled today.

Before I even get to the locker room, I see one. A student, that is. I emerge from the locker room with my mp3 player in its "holster". And by holster, I mean sports bra. In defense of this practice, keep in mind that I usually run outside. At night. I see another student right when I realized where I'm storing my tunes. I immediately think about, uh, retrieving it. Luckily I think twice; digging around in one's sports bra to fish out an mp3 player is not something to be done in front of other people. At least not when I'm walking in front of the cardio equipment.

I learned this lesson a few years ago when I lived a different apartment building with quite a few older tenants. My convenient mp3 player holder is often also sometimes used for storing my keys. I recall searching for them in front of the door to the building one night after a run. I say searching, because they decided to shift during my run. Somewhere. Now, these were the days of a bigger sports bra, so it took a minute or so to locate them. There was an older lady sitting outside, presumable to enjoy the warm summer night. I'm not sure what the lady thought I was doing; as she said, "that's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting". Diving for down my shirt for my keys/mp3player/cell phone is best done in private, I've concluded. Btw, my key was under my arm. In case you wanted to know.

It’s the weekend!!!

Finally! I'm hoping to get out and have some fun this weekend, but I also want to catch up with some work and make my apartment habitable again. I've been out of town so much, it's been neglected. So much clutter – paper mostly. Mail, articles, magazines, receipts, etc. I definitely want to have a good time this weekend, but catching up with everything and having a clean apartment will be good for me.

I ended up staying up really late last night – facebook is the devil! One last logon before I went to bed, but I got involved in a chat. Before I knew it, 3am rolled around. I had to be at school today in the morning. Went home after and planned to work on stuff, but I ended up taking a really long nap instead. So, I'm doing a bit of work (school and house) tonight instead. Ooh, and dateline is on…yes, I'm a nerd.

Despite the fact I'll probably doing a lot of work this weekend, I feel much calmer. I'll be so much more prepared, so hopefully less stress. Less stress à
J blogger. J blogger = funnier blogs. Yay!

I hate it when I succumb to feeling sorry for myself

Yet, it still happens. I kinda fell apart today. And I'm still in my office, although no longer crying (yes, I admit it – I was sniveling in my office with the lights out for awhile). I'm trying to avoid the tear-stained face exit. I wish I had a trap door. I find it interesting that I can admit to people that I've been crying in my office, but not actually show people.

It is cold (for august – low 60s), dreary, and raining outside. I am also sick. The latter in and of itself will often make me bawl. I've gone from pretending I have no commitments, to reality where I am accountable to a lot of people. I can't just up and leave – I've got meetings tomorrow and Friday and I have to teach 2 classes tomorrow. I'm completely overwhelmed.

After the meeting where I admitted I haven't really done much work on my dissertation this summer (which went badly on my part), I hid in my office. And felt sorry for myself because of the state of my dissertation, because I have no one to take care of me (even though I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself) when I'm sick, stroke my hair as I sleep. Actually, I do have someone that would - I just shouldn't ask him to. He was trying to help today. He used to be the first one I called whenever I felt bad. Even before I'd dealt with it myself. I can't have him help right now. I hope he understands that it would be bad for both of us. Trust me, it would.

I've really got to get myself out of this office, get myself some dinner, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I haven't really cried in awhile, and I can't really stop today for some reason. Everything will be okay. It will. It always is. I need to remember this. And I need to laugh. I always feel better when I laugh.

To anyone that is reading: Sorry I'm such a downer today.

It’s only Tuesday? Seriously?

Tired. Very tired. Managed to get through the day and taught my classes. The 2^nd class went better than the 1^st. Neither were bad, per say. I was a bit unorganized in the 1^st class. And I didn't know there were 2 entrances to my classroom – so I plowed through the desks to get to the front…were there was another door. No big deal. My computer had some issues connecting to the projector, but nothing major. I'm sure I looked nervous. Went through the syllabus, and how to use springboard. Then, I did people bingo. My saving grace. They were looking at me in near-hatred while I was going over syllabus and such, but people bingo was fun

People bingo is an activity I made up to introduce people to one another. Basically, it's a grid with descriptions of people (i.e. someone who is wearing sandals), or what they do (i.e. runner), or a movie they've seen (i.e. dark knight). The rule is that they should try to complete the whole page. It's a whole lot of fun. I get involved too – they always seem surprised when I do. I got the sign the "over 21" square a lot J. Kept them almost the whole time – didn't mean too! Second class went smoother – I was more organized.

Just got back from a run – I really didn't want to come back in, even though I've physically exhausted. I spent most of it thinking about what exactly I'm going to say to my advisor tomorrow about the 'ole dissertation. Yeah, that. I need to look over at what I'm actually doing – I barely remember. Not sure which tactic I'm going to go with – just focus on the semester ahead, or promise to do better and explain all of the stuff going on that has been distracting me from work. Probably should leave out the laziness out of it. No I think I'm just going to focus on the future…forget about the past and my half-assed work and excuses. I'm going to try really hard and just go forward instead of feeling incredibly guilty about being such a schmuck. It's not helping me…but I have a hard time not feeling guilty. Any suggestions to help me not lament on the past and just go forward?

The night before…teaching again

Today was technically the first day of the semester. I went to school, even though I didn't have to. I ended up being crazy busy all day – and added 5 meetings or appointments to my schedule for the rest of the week! I'm not taking classes (I'm done with them), yet my schedule is full. Commitments, I hate commitments. Although it appears I'm going to be playing intramural kickball! Sounds like a blast – I haven't played kickball for years. I'm definitely looking forward to it J.

Strangely, I'm a little nervous for tomorrow (or I guess I mean later today). I've taught plenty - 4 years…not lately. Freshmen were born in 1990!!!

Also, I'm realizing my clothes are old. I haven't taught since 05'-06'…and I wore some of those clothes then! Also, nothing fits right now. Not in the too tight way. In the too loose way. Poor, poor me, I know. But seriously, nothing fits right. I just look sloppy… like I can't afford clothes that fit. Which is actually true, but I'd rather not look that way. All of my casual clothes are like this, but I didn't really look at myself too closely.

It should be interesting to meet my students tomorrow…all 86 of them.

The first day…

I remember the first day I ever taught. It was 5 years ago; Fall 2003 (yes, I know I'm old). I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. I remember being awkward, reading the syllabus and stating requirements. My face was probably bright red. I managed it, though; as awkward as it was. I wasn't as bad as I thought I'd be. I'd had nightmares that I would get up in front of the class and not be able to speak. Or that I was naked.

Of course, has to be the naked dream. My naked dreams are weird though – the beginning of the dream I am clothed, or at least I think I am. It isn't until the middle of the dream that I realize I'm not wearing clothing. And that for some reason, I still have to go about my day…naked. Like there are no clothes I could wear anywhere. Seriously, there has to be someone that I could have bummed a sweater from!

Annnyyyway, I end up finishing the class and packing up my stuff, and sitting in one of the chairs in the front row. I couldn't believe that was it, yet I was exhausted. I was thinking "wow, I got through that!" I walk back to the department and into my office very pleased with myself. Until I sit down and realize that I'd have to do it again on Wednesday. And on Friday. And for the next 15 weeks. Yikes.

To be honest, my first year teaching was not fun. I had some difficult students and didn't know how to deal with them. Most people didn't have as much trouble. What can I say? I was kind of awkward. Second year and beyond it was fun. I enjoy being able to spout off for a few hours to a captive audience J.

The last day of summer…

Oh how sad it is. The last day of summer. How it goes so fast – how I didn't meet my goals. At least my academic ones. Ideally, I'd be about ready to propose my dissertation early in the semester. Right now, I'd just like to get my hypotheses settled so I can get on with it. It seems I really want to be done with school, but am not making the strides to do so. Kind of like a student that wants to get an A, but doesn't study. The dissertation isn't going to write itself.

I'm trying to strike a balance between being pushing myself to work harder than I want to and berating myself. I seem to end up doing the latter, and it helps no one. It's that voice that says "I suck", "I'm a bad writer", "I should be done with my proposal right now. I'm so freaking lazy". The fact that I have not done much work impedes me actually doing work. I'm feeling so guilty about not getting things done earlier that it makes me so anxious that I can't do the work now, which makes me feel worse, and things still don't get done. Cycle of negativity – I see it.

I really need to let it go; start fresh. Forget about my lack of progress previously – what matters is right now. I can't do anything about the past, but I can change the direction I'm going. I've not been happy with my academic progress, and I know it's just going to get worse if I don't change something and just do it. Just get the focus and do it! I need to quit apologizing for how little I got done this summer and just get on with it. Ok, perhaps I should apologize once, but leave it at that. My advisor wants me to do well, and expects me to (ok, that's questionable at this point). I should tell him that it is not a reflection of him (it's not). I'm a secondhand advisee – I haven't been molded for this. I've been molded for chasing advisors down the hall, pouting and stomping out of offices, reminding constantly that I exist, etc. This is a bit different…

Is a break really a break?

I haven't done much work lately – I keep believing that "the force" will come over me and I will suddenly be irresistibly drawn to the prospect of working 10 hours a day. Hell, how about 2 hours a day? That's more that I've been doing lately. Sad, but this has been the week between semesters – am I not entitled to a little (read: giant) break?

Breaks between semesters are seen very differently in undergrad vs. grad school. In undergrad, breaks were BREAKS; meaning no schoolwork, tests, and papers, anything school-related until the next semester began. In grad school….breaks are often not recognized or even noticed by students/faculty. Or should I say they are noticed (by students at least) but often must be disregarded due to a paper/thesis/dissertation/data collection, etc., that must be done. You know you're in grad school when you find yourself saying to yourself, "Sweet, winter break! Now I can catch up on my work and get ahead on my thesis! I'll be in great shape and not so stressed when the semester starts!" This is often followed by the break passing with little to none of your work getting done. So, you do get a "break" but feel guilty about not doing work every second of it. So you end up being even more stressed at the start of the next semester. You think, "even if I had spent 1hr a day, 1 HOUR, I wouldn't be in this mess. Why was that so hard for me?"

Of course, all of the above is what *I* end up thinking as well as conversations had with fellow grad students. I really wish I was one of these people. Person A: "I'm going to be really productive during the break. I'm also going to go see my grandma, my friend from college in Chicago, ski in Aspen, and redecorate my apartment". Person A actually achieves this, and also manages to volunteer for a soup kitchen on Christmas. Person A is a freakishly productive and organized over-achiever. I don't understand these people so well. I've never been an over-achiever. Well, maybe in elementary school, but after that….

Person B: "Screw this. This is a freakin' break. B-R-E-A-K. I'm not going to do ANYTHING school-related for the next 3 weeks. And I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks. They can call me lazy, but at least I'm going to manage to have fun in grad school once in awhile. ". Person B is a bad-ass. Or they are so freakin' jaded with school they don't care anymore (this is more typical for ABDers as it is damn near impossible to get kicked out now. Hell, getting kicked out sounds kinda good sometimes…)

I've been Person B before. The jaded, bitter person B. Hmm, jaded and bitter seems to be a very good description of how I've felt lately. So FYI: New 1^st years should stay away from me. Far, far away. And no, it's not that I don't like you guys; I think you are some of the coolest people I know that are 6 years younger than me. Ok, you might be the ONLY people I know that are 6 years younger than me. But still, you rock. I will crush your spirit.

On second thought, I have 5 years worth of grad school experience and I've learned (and experienced) a few things. Common thoughts:

• I'm not good enough to be in the program. It was a mistake – a clerical error. They are going to find out soon and kick me out.
  
  • Um, no. You're here for a reason. Do you know how much time faculty spend looking over applications? Seriously, get over it (okay, okay much more easier said than done)
    
• All of my classmates know more than I do.
  
  • Perhaps slightly. Everyone has different backgrounds and experiences. And research areas – the chick that keeps answering the prof's questions about performance appraisal may very well have done her honor's thesis on performance appraisal. You have experience in other areas.
    
• Why am I doing this to myself? WHY?
  
  • Can't answer this one…haven't figured it out myself.
    
• Will I ever have a real job?
  
  • Yes, you will. You may be 30 when it happens (I seem to be on this track) but it will happen.
    
• The people ahead of me know everything! They always know what they are doing.
  
  • Um, no. A thousand times no. We find ourselves confused as anyone on certain topics/projects (big secret: even profs don't even know what they are doing from time to time).
    
• Dude, are we seriously going to read all of those articles? Seriously?
  
  • Yes, yes you will. Learn to skim.
    
• What the hell is the speaker in the colloquium talking about? I don't know, but I should. I know I should. I must be really dumb/stupid/behind.
  
  • Absolutely not. Colloquia rarely are appropriate for all audience. I'm not saying you shouldn't go (you should, you really should; face time is important) but if you find yourself completely lost, it is okay. Colloquia are very rarely geared for 1^st year students.
    

There are even more that I can't remember at the moment. So feel free to approach me/comment, 1^st years. Just don't ask me about my dissertation.

All road trips come to an end…

So, I'm home. All of my stuff is still here (yay!) and so are the messes (boo!). Kinda tired right now but a few highlights on the drive:

Fangboner Rd (mile 91 on I-80 in ohio)

Welcome to Ohio…

(next sign)

Welcome Center: 48 miles

My head is fried right now…I'll update more later.

Road Trip!

So, was at my parent's late Friday until early Sunday. Got to eat, go shopping. Fun stuff. I decided go on a whim – gathered up a week's worth of stuff and got out of there. I'm in Chicago now for a couple of days. However, I still feel like driving around after that. Not sure even where to go. I just want to go. I need to remember, however, that I need to drive myself back as well!!!

I love the feeling of having no strings: at least for this week. No one needs me in Akron; no pets, people, or even plants J I am totally free! It's not too often that I can actually say that. Different story next week, as the semester starts and I will be teaching 2x a week. Luckily, it will be the middle of the week, so I'll still have time for road trips...hopefully.

Sometimes, everything DOES go well

Today was one of these days, pretty much. Ok, not everything, but enough to make it a very, very good day. It started off with a phone call to the dean that I'm working with. Apparently, the editors of the book we're writing a chapter for wants us to be in a symposium at SIOP!!! Yay! I promised that I'd get him a 750 word summary (of our 30 page book chapter) by Friday. Guess what? I finished it today! 7 words under – 743 words, baby! Always good when I finish something on time, even better early! Ok, I was procrastinating my dissertation (as always), but productive procrastination is still productivity!

Secondly, I received my teaching assignments for the fall. Both of the classes I got were times that I wanted! Tuesday & Thursday 1:45-3:00 & 3:15-4:30. In the same buildings and both are tech rooms. Sweet! Also, I got an overview of Springboard, which seems really cool. I used WebCt before, but Springboard is so much better. They can do their homework online and there is an IM option (that I can turn off when I want to, luckily). I'm actually getting really excited to teach again J

One interesting thing about my class roster: it appears that I have the son of my former advisor in my class! Weird, not sure what to do about that.

Olympics have been awesome too! I saw the 800 free relay and watched the US break the world record by almost 5 seconds and win the gold medal (Michael Phelp's 5^th). I love watching swimming…it takes me back to high school. I swam all 4 years, co-captain senior year. I wasn't very good, but I loved it. I'm so happy that swimming is getting more attention – it's an awesome sport, and people don't realize how dedicated swimmers need to be. Even in high school, it was really intense – 6 days a week. We had practice 5:30am – 6:45am and from 2:30pm - 6pm. TTH we lifted and ran in the morning instead of swimming. Saturdays, we'd swim from 6am – 9am. We had meets 2 days a week usually too. I was definitely in the best shape of my life…I ate soo much junk food though. After the meets, we'd have a huge buffet of snacks and desserts. We'd gorge ourselves and then go to McDonalds or Taco Bell afterward! We could eat 4000 calories a day and not gain weight. Ah, those were the days.

I should really pay attention

I'm back home after spending the week in b'ham doing assessments. Met some really cool people, per usual. I didn't get a chance to get to know them as I well as I would have liked to, however. Still, it was a pretty good trip (despite food poisoning!). I managed to get back on time, and US Air didn't lose my bag (I've never had one get lost – but I have a phobia of checking baggage)! Come to think of it, they didn't even charge me for checking it! Traveling to & from b'ham went as scheduled!!! I can't remember the last trip I've taken without at least one (usually severely) delayed flight.

One small incident, however. My flight left at 8am, and I caught the hotel shuttle at 6. Going to sleep early the night before didn't pan out, so I was really sleepy. I fell asleep immediately on the first flight – like right when I sat down; I don't even remember taking off. I do, however, remember landing. That's when I woke up…when we landed (and I was asleep leaning on the window) I slid forward and hit my head on the seat in front of me. Not hard, mind you, but enough to make my seatmate chuckle (and tried to stifle it; how polite). Apparently, I fell asleep so fast I forgot to tighten the seatbelt. Ooops.

Barf, sweat, & tears

I'm still in b'ham. I managed to get food poisoning on Monday. Of course, I had to order the biggest sushi/sashimi combo that the restaurant had. Apparently, bad idea. I'd been feeling pretty bad the last couple of days. Thus, I've been spending a lot of my time in my hotel room (i.e. not going out and meeting new people) – although I have managed to do all of my assessments. Thus, I am alone. Alone time means think time. Think time means sad time. Feeling bad physically makes it much worse.

I hadn't been able to work out (run) in 2 days. People have told me recently that I really must be dedicated to work out so often. I don't think about it that way. Dedication is very controlled, very prescribed, focused and goal-oriented. That's not how I feel before I go for a run. I feel the need to run. I feel out of control. I feel like I need my body to keep pace with all of the thoughts going through my head. When I'm running, I feel like they match. After I'm done, all of the bad thoughts aren't always erased, but almost always more manageable. I'm calmer. I feel at least like I accomplished SOMETHING. Luckily, I was able to run today.

Especially now, when I have a lot on my mind, I've needed to work out every day just to keep my emotions in check. Oh, and of course I've cried. I just get to a point where it the crying seems to feed itself. Trust me, I'm a big proponent of getting my feelings out, but there comes a point in which crying is no longer helpful. I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to cry. That's okay. I'm just not going to let it consume me. There are too many other good things in life I'll miss out on if I feel sad & guilty all of the time.

So, this blog is *supposed* to be about grad school, so maybe I should just say that I'm totally stalled on my dissertation (on my end, not my advisor's). I think I just need to spend the last couple of the weeks of summer not working. I'm not focused right now and sitting at my desk for 8 hours staring at my computer screen and checking facebook every 15 minutes is not increasing my self-efficacy. I just want to do the absolute bare minimum to prepare for teaching and not worry about school for a few weeks. I thought that perhaps work may be a distracter, but it's not working well. I can't seem to pour myself into my work and become a workaholic. A workoutaholic maybe. But not a workaholic. I'll start fresh the beginning of the fall semester. I just don't want to feel like I'm failing anymore.

Difficult situations are not fun, but it really makes me feel grateful for all of my friends and support that I have. It continually surprises me how many people come forward when I'm having difficulty in my life. I am unbelievably lucky to have all of you. Thank you. I love all of you.

Owie.

I'm in b'ham – been here since yesterday afternoon. New folks are cool, definitely will have fun. Got some work to do this week though.

I've managed to totally overdo it at the hotel gym. My arms are killing me? Why, I don't know. I usually use 8lb weights for most arm exercises. I used 5lb weights today. Granted, I haven't done weight work as often as is should, but I get a session in once a week at the least. It even hurts to type. I need to dry my hair, but I'm not sure if my arms will hold out! Seriously, I should not be this sore!

May go out – I missed out on dinner since I spent so much time at the gym. Had to work out though – I always feel better if I do. That way I can eat cookies tomorrowJ.

Boring stuff today – maybe I'll have great stories tomorrow…

Blogger in mirror is not as bitter as she appears…

After reading the last couple of posts, I realize how negative I seemed about everything. I don't really feel that way all of the time. I think I blog at times that I am frustrated (or bored). I am really in a better mood than it seems. Still very jaded about school but I am about to start my 10^th year of post high school education (i.e. 22^nd grade). If I wasn't jaded by now, there would be something seriously wrong with me.

In other news, it appears that I've been selected for early admission to an exclusive group. The letter came with plastic membership card. What selective group, you ask? AARP. Yes, that is the old people club. Usually the age is 50, but I guess I get to join 22 years early. I'm thinking about sending in the $12.50 membership fee to make it official. I'd get the senior coffee at McDonalds...and it comes with a magazine! I'm seriously thinking about it – maybe I'd be the youngest ever member of AARP…world record, anyone? So tempting. Now I'm really thinking about it. I could totally be a media whore and it could be one of those weird news stories. I wonder how many calls to media outlets that would take…..hmmmm…

Aww, it asks for my date of birth on the membership form. I could right over "Prefer not to answer", or better yet "None of your damn business!". How about "a lady never reveals her age"? Or I could write a letter yammering on about the lack of privacy these days and how rude it is to ask for so much personal information. If I get denied, I could call them and call them out for age discrimination. My sister's a lawyer, maybe we could sue…ok, ok I'm getting a bit carried away. But seriously, this AARP card has made my day. And I wouldn't being true to my authentic self if I don't get carried away with stuff.

Old, bitter, and alone

I'm at school, sorta trying to do some work. Began making slides for intro. Last time I taught intro was 4 years ago, and the book was in chapters. Now it's in 40 modules…great. Meant to be more digestible, but students never read the book anyway. Not looking forward to having to be here all the time. I will in the fall. I really, really need to go on a roadtrip. Yes, I've been travelling a lot lately, but not on a roadtrip!

I'm tired and bitter right now – didn't sleep much. The department is too quiet…although it is summer and after 5pm, so I should expect it. And there is happy hour right now – where I was not informed. Wasn't going to go anyway – not too happy, and being in the presence of alcohol would probably be a bad thing. Bad mood + alcohol = really bad mood which may include extremely negative sarcasm that makes people uncomfortable, getting very upset, and/or rage. Usually not rage, but it's happened once before. It was not good. All of the above is often followed by vomiting and hangovers. So no happy hour for me. More oreos may be in order though.

Meetings were cancelled today – was offered phone meeting tomorrow or Friday. Must avoid – should just say I'm working on it and I'll communicate via email. Really, really don't care right now – I just want to get out of here. B'ham is in 3 days – need to get ready. I have no clothes to wear.

One thing I'm not bitter about is all of the awesome friends I have. Love you guys!

Dissertation...who cares? I don’t.

Yet another day in which I do no work. I wanted to…I just never made it to my office…or got the articles out of my bag, or even opened the document. I have a meeting tomorrow – so screwed. I'm not going to be around next week (I'll be in 'bama) either, so I should have something to talk about at least. I really don't care at the moment though.

I'm less upset about the breakup today than yesterday (i.e. my box of tissues is no longer attached to me). Still pretty sad about it though. It was a very good relationship with an unbelievably good guy. I'm very sad that I couldn't make it work, that I couldn't be what he deserves.

Must go in tomorrow – don't really have much of a choice. I'd better get to school early…I've got a lot to do.

Taking the puffy red-eye…

I'm back after a weekend in LA for a wedding. Our 10:30pm flight from LAX ended up taking off at 1:26am – that's Pacific Time! We didn't get back to Columbus until almost 9am and didn't get back home until 12:30 pm today. Still pretty tired. And sad. The trip marked the beginning of a lifelong relationship for some (the bride & groom) and unfortunately, the end of a relationship for us.

When humor fails

To my advisor, at least. All of my attempts at humor (as a way to break the ice and feel more comfortable) fail miserably. Come on! I'm funny sometimes, or at least I get sympathy laughs! The only time I've gotten a laugh out of him is when I've been serious and not intending to be funny. I like to start meetings with a funny story or a joke. Never works at meeting time. I shouldn't even try anymore; it sucks to look at either a blank face or a look that says "let's just get on with the meeting". Small talk doesn't seem to work either.

Meeting actually went ok – he had sent some comments and suggestions to me a few days ago and I asked questions about them and presented ideas. Questions, understood. Ideas…not so much. I guess I don't explain things very well. Got a lab meeting in a few minutes. Hopefully it won't last long. We haven't made real progress on this study in a long time. We've been working on an idea for a year now. I'm hoping I can limit my involvement. That's kind of a bad attitude to have, but that's how I feel. I'm a 6^th year – I think I'm entitled be bitter. Honestly, I just want to get my dissertation done and get out of here. *sigh*

Another Monday, another revision…

Got the revisions back from the paper I sent on Monday. Actually, I got them on Wednesday but didn't open the attachment (avoid, avoid, avoid). Of course, I had some "logic issues". Don't I always! I never seem to explain things clearly. Or I connect things in my mind without writing them down. At least I got something done…I guess. It seems like little consolation when I have to rework my whole mini-proposal. This is one of the days that I want to get a job and forever be ABD. I know I'd regret it later, though.

The thing is, this is not the first time I've had to do major revisions. I often do, actually. Especially when it's the beginning of a new project. It's just that this time I actually thought it was good. Damn. I never think it is good. When I do, and it's not, it sucks.

This is the thing that discouraged me from going academic – the endless revisions. And the "publish or perish" thing. And the low pay. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to actually finish things. Even if a paper gets done and published, there's always the next article to write on the subject. No thanks.

I wish I could get these hypotheses settled and work from there. I don't like working from my advisors paper – even though I like the idea and it's a good paper. It's a little nerve-wracking to write about someone else's findings as a way to provide evidence for your hypotheses. I guess it's good for clarification, but I'm always afraid I'll be wrong about the interpretation.

Well, I should keep forcing myself to do this. My strategy right now is to write the first thing that I think of when I read his comments as a comment of my own. It might be a defense of my argument, or what I need to do to answer the question. It would probably be faster just to do the changes, but that seems overwhelming right now. At least I feel like I'm working on something.

The wonders of air travel...

After a trip to Savannah to visit my Grandma, I’m back in Akron. Actually, I’ve been back since Thursday night. I actually had a fairly good experience flying United. My flights were on time, even early except for one. And I connected at O’Hare? When does that happen? I was supposed to connect in Dulles, then O’Hare, and then back to Akron. The flight to Dulles was delayed and the gate agent automatically rebooked me straight to Chicago, with an exit row seat! Talk about southern hospitality! I did, however, have to spend 5 hours in the Savannah airport. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very nice airport. But it is very small – 15 gates. I did get a good nap on my backpack though.

Once I got to Chicago, I had 2.5 hours to kill. I ended up walking most of it – finally got some exercise after a week of not running J . The shuttle bus that I had to take to get to another terminal was crazy! It haphazardly drove on the tarmac, zipping past planes being towed to/from that gate!

The flight to Akron was…interesting to say the least. When the gate agent announces “Attention passengers: I have some news for you”, it can never be good. It turns out the air-conditioning was broken! We did have the option of rebooking the next day. I considered it, but I was tired and just wanted to get back home. Another announcement was made that it was currently 95 degree in the aircraft…great. Luckily, I had a tank top on underneath my long sleeved shirt (I’m usually cold on planes), and I was sitting in 2D (still coach, small plane). I did get some breeze when the door was open. I can’t imagine how hot the people in the back must have been!

We sat there for awhile before takeoff – say 30 minutes or so. The air-conditioning was working once we were in flight – yay! Luckily, I was seated near to people that had a sense of humor. I always seem to be lucky in that respect, whether I make the first snide comment or not. The guy next to me was an industrial engineer and we talked about I/O stuff on the way back. Good conversation, for sure. I’m sure I annoyed people that were trying to sleep.

A sidenote that I forgot to mention – I almost got arrested at the Akron/Canton airport on the way there! My backpack had to be gate-checked last minute, so I got off the plane to give it to the guy loading the luggage on the plane (it was one of those you board using the stairs). I got too close to the wing and when I got back on; the flight attendants told me that normally they arrest people for that. I had to promise to never do it again. The flight attendant from that flight ended up being on the flight on my way back too! I avoided her gaze…

I’ll be going to LA Friday through Sunday this week. Direct from C-bus. Kind of a drive, but the only ticket I could afford. Red-eye w/middle seat on the way back. Hopefully I’ll be too tired to care…

A metaphor for the dissertation process

Due to recently spending a lot of time in airports, I've been thinking how much the dissertation process mimics the air travel. 5 hours in Savannah's airport will do that to you J

Pilot = advisor

Flight attendants = committee

Delay = failed idea

Cancellation = thanks for playing!

Taxiing to the runway = approval of the idea, working toward the proposal

Taking off = proposing dissertation

Cruising altitude = data collection, writing up results

Landing = finishing draft of dissertation

Taxiing to gate = defending dissertation

Getting off the plane = successful defense!

Getting you bags & leaving the airport = graduation!

You're obviously hoping that your flight at ABD airport doesn't get delayed and runs smoothly. But often, flights get delayed (failed idea); although they don't get cancelled very often (remember the metaphor, not the reality of air travel lately). But once you leave the gate, it doesn't mean you'll take off right away. You may get parked on the tarmac or be 10^th in line for takeoff (backlog of dissertation proposals/defenses for committee members). Sometimes you get the front of the line, but your pilot and flight attendants determine that you're not ready for takeoff, that you have a mechanical problem and have to go the hangar for repair (major revisions, may have to propose again). Repairs often take awhile, and your classmates seem to taking off without you.

You get back to the runway and your pilot and flight crew give you the go-ahead to finally take off (successful proposal). Once you reach cruising altitude, however, it is not always a smooth ride. Turbulence (such as having trouble recruiting subjects, getting wacky results) may cause you to hit your head repeatedly (on your desk). Somehow, the ride does smooth out (hopefully no emergency landings!) and you get ready to land with the first draft of dissertation. You may be on the ground, but you aren't nearly as close to the gate as you think you are. Taxiing to the gate may take a very long time (many revisions). You may even have to park on the tarmac if your pilot goes MIA.

When you do arrive at the gate (after you track down your pilot or find a new one), you have to stay on the plane for awhile while your pilot and flight attendants hurl pieces of carry-on luggage at you (questions; they hurt just as badly) at you before you can get out. Or you might not get to get out now (failed dissertation defense) – you might have to taxi to another gate first (defense #2). And it might take awhile. When you are allowed to exit the plane, you are welcomed into PhD airport. Yay, you're a doctor! But wait, not quite finished yet, before you pick up your bags, you have to make revisions and format your diss for publication. You get your checked bags (diploma!).

Where to now? Oh, crap…probably should decide where to go after leaving PhD airport…

Still not quite there

Ok, it's Saturday afternoon, and I still haven't sent in my mini-proposal. I was able to do some work on it yesterday, however. Not enough to finish. I've started using a timer in 5 minute increments – I figured I could tolerate it for 5 minutes. I ended up working longer than that, but I got distracted by some other things and stopped the whole interval thing. To calm my worries (at least a little) I wrote them down and possible responses to them:

• I'm afraid the idea will suck and it will be incomplete
  
  • Of course it will be incomplete – it's a very rough first draft
    
  • Advisor can help me find more hypotheses and clarify the methodology
    
• That my writing will be bad and I won't be able to convey my ideas.
  
  • Advisor can ask questions and I will try to explain them better.
    
• Since I turned this in late, that it must be thoroughly thought out and well-written.
  
  • Can't turn it in on time now – I missed that boat on Wednesday
    
  • More important to turn SOMETHING in than worry about perfection.
    
• I'm afraid of all of the things wrong with my idea; all of the weaknesses
  
  • Shouldn't worry about this now; will refine later
    
  • Every study has weaknesses
    
• I forget that I don't have to do this all on my own
  
  • I'm not used to having an advisor to meet with me and help me.
    
    • I need to remember that he is there to help and advise; he is not my adversary, he is my ally.
      

I know I should do it today, but I have a BBQ to go to (priorities – I'll be meeting some of the newbies!) and I have to get ready – it already started. I managed to bake some cookies – chocolate and peanut butter chip (yummy) so I have something to bring.

I haven't emailed my advisor either to tell him why it's late – I figure I've given him too many excuses already. I really should, but I really can't tell him the truth (that working on it terrifies me, he intimidates me, and that I'm lazy). I really need to get this done….

Just can’t get it together

The last 2 days have been the longest, least productive days I've had in a very long time. Sure, I was on my computer for 10 hours yesterday…I wrote 3 words for my dissertation proposal. I'm seriously frozen with fear over this. It's really, really stupid, I know. I can write just fine. I'm not the greatest writer ever, but I can write research proposals. Not this one.

I was supposed to turn in the mini-proposal yesterday. I have no more done today than I did yesterday morning. Have I emailed my advisor about the delay? Of course not. What would I say? That I'm too scared to do it? True, but not acceptable. I shouldn't be this anxious about this. I'm making it worse the longer I drag this out. I just have no confidence in myself. At all. For my dissertation at least. I was able to get the book chapter revisions done earlier this week without a problem. I can write in my journal or my blog (obviously). Those are different. I seem to be shooting down my own ideas before I write them down.

I just can't seem to do it and don't believe that I'll actually get it done. I KNOW this is all in my head and that it's just up to me to just DO IT. I'm just having a great deal of trouble with that. I need to be able to turn off my brain to do it. Sounds weird, but I have so much anxiety and negative self-talk going on, I'm analyzing things very harshly before it get my ideas on paper. Thus, my ideas aren't on paper (or the computer screen). I wish I didn't think so much sometimes. More specifically, I wish I didn't analyze every single little thing that goes on in my life. It gets really tiring. So I'm exhausted, yet I get nothing done.

Someone smack me. Please?

Why do I always feel like I’m doing it wrong?

I've written numerous proposals. I've gotten ideas off the ground in an afternoon. Why can't I do this with my dissertation? I don't have a system for doing these things. I just kinda haphazardly write and read. Sometimes I read a lot before I write, sometimes I read as I write, and sometimes I write without knowing what the hell I'm writing about. Usually the last one. This is more than slightly problematic. I feel that I need to start writing RIGHT NOW so I start writing. Anything. Pretty soon I have 10 pages of fragmented ideas without connections. Those end up in my "failed dissertation topics" folder. Seriously, I have one named exactly that. It contains 10 documents. Not kidding. So I have been doing work; I just haven't gotten anywhere.

I have an idea, but don't really have an adequate path model (I think in path models) or methodology figured out. Somehow, I need to have one to figure out the other. I have neither.

I have great anxiety when even THINKING about my dissertation, much less working on it. I seriously freak out. Like I am right now. Then I avoid, or at least postpone. I feel like I'd rather do just about anything but my dissertation. Even cleaning out my garbage cans (scrubbing the insides & outsides, not merely taking out the trash) has been more appealing.

I want to come up with something simple that can be expanded. I said I'd have a mini-proposal done by tomorrow. If I can get my ideas together, it shouldn't be too much of a problem (procrastination does pay off sometimes)

I really wonder sometimes how I got through high school, let alone college and most of grad school working this way. I wonder how I get through LIFE this way.

How appropriate

more cat pictures

And the weekend is over…

Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! I got a chance to relax a bit, although I did have some work to do. Did I finish all of it? Of course not. I've got revisions due tomorrow. However, I did not specify what time tomorrowJ. He certainly won't have them at 9am. Noon? Maybe. Six? More likely. I'm going to try to get up early and get them done as fast as possible. Hopefully, the urgency to finish the revisions will be the same tomorrow morning. Does anyone find very urgent things not so urgent when you have to wake up early? I often turn off the alarm, decide that I can get 6 hours of work done in 2 hours, turn over and go back to sleep. Notice I didn't hit the snooze. I never seem to, then wake up at 11am when I intended to get up at 7am.

I'm not sleepy either. I hope I can get to sleep before 2am. I seem to lose track of time at night. Everything seems more interesting at night.

*sigh* I must be very productive this week. I seem to spend a lot of time at school, but I don't seem to get a lot of work done. If I could focus really well for a couple of hours, I could get so much done. I'm so distractible. Adult ADD? Or grad student apathy? I used to be scared shitless that I'd get kicked out for my first 3 years of grad school. That's powerful motivation. Sure, I can disappoint people (I can be really good at that), but it would be pretty damn hard to get kicked out now. No tests to fail. No real deadline for dissertation. Think we get 10 years (total) to obtain our PhDs before we have to take comps over. So, I need to finish by August 2013. I've got some time….

Focus, focus, focus!

Here it is July 4^th….and I'm in my office at school. I'm over-caffeinated and have a very short attention span. Fireworks start at 9:45 & I already have a parking spot (I got here at 5). The parking deck is the best place to watch them. I really could have gotten these revisions done tonight, but I must drag everything out as long as possible

*stares at picture on bulletin board and notices the progression of highlights in her hair. Wonders how she got so blond. Happy she got some lowlights this time*

Geez, I can't even focus long enough to write this blog post without random thoughts coming to mind.

*gum has lost its taste. Must replace. Where is gum? Ah, found it. Spearmint. Where's the pina colada flavor? I guess spearmint will do*

Is it 9:30 yet? Going to watch fireworks at 9:30.

*chomps on gum and looks around for something to amuse her. Nothing is*

So, my goals this weekend are the finish the book chapter revisions and get a good start on a mini-proposal for my dissertation.

*wonders why she can never type "dissertation" right the first time. It always ends up being my "disseration". Ooh, pretty purple flowers on calendar for July. Not sure what kind though. Wikipedia?*

Well, I've got 14 minutes; I should do a little more work.

*Wonders how many she needs to spin in chair to make self dizzy? Decides to find out….whee! *

What your computer is really telling you

Computer Enhancers

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Ouch! Stop doing that!

While everything else seems to be going well or at least ok, my stomach is very, very angry at me. And has been for days. Could this be the ulcer I was promised 5 years ago? I already buy Zantac in bulk (Costco has a 95 pill bottle, fyi). Having similar pain to gallbladder attacks…except that I no longer have one. Is my gallbladder haunting me? I think so…

It’s been a pretty good day…

I spent my 1^st day working in my new office. I like it! I've got everything organized (it took me 6 hrs yesterday to do so) and all of my pictures up. It is quieter than my old office. Was fairly productive, but could have done more…although there is ALWAYS more I could do. I'm trying to relax tonight and tell myself I have tomorrow and the first part of Wednesday to get some order to my new dissertation ideas. Also have some revisions to do on the book chapter. And need to finalize the survey for the JCC. And figure out bday stuff for a certain someone who is turning 30 very soon…that should be a lot of funJ. The birthday planning/celebration part at least. In short, I'm busy but not minding it too much at the moment. Yay for good moods!

I get to teach an OB class in the spring! And get this: I was asked what time I would like to teach it. WHENEVER!!!! Never, ever been asked that! Not to pick from various times, but to make up my own time! I asked for 10:45 – 12pm TTH. Not too early, not too late. Avoids the inevitable "lunch coma". Yay!!!

I also found out that I am going to do the assessment in B'ham in August J I'm pumped – I've done it twice before and had a blast each time. We work hard, but play harder. Or at least I try. We are supposed to be there for 7 days this time. I'm not sure if that's a typo or not. Or that we'll just have that much work to do. It's all good though – I still am enthralled by someone else paying for my hotel room for a week. And still, air travel. But no US Air this time. No, no, no. I've begun to be obsessed with a flight tracking/rating site: www.flightstats.com. It gives ontime performance ratings and all sorts of other stuff. I'll be going to Savannah to visit my g-ma in July and one of my flights is rated very, very poor. And I have 2 connections on the way back: Dulles & O'Hare. Only 50 minutes in O'Hare. Great idea. Well if any of you in Chicago are reading, I may get stuck on May 17^th. Just a heads-up; you might be hearing from me then. I'm sure you'll be hearing about my first experiences with United Airlines later.

Happiest bird I’ve ever seen…

Yesterday, after spending the day moving my office, the bf & I went to get some dunch/linner (we can't decide on the term), at 3:30pm (hence the combination) at the Ohio Brewing Company. Very good – didn't even try the beer although it looks interesting. I'm now highly addicted to their blackberry iced tea.

When we were walking up the stairs of the parking garage we saw a baby bird that was trying to get outside…by flying up and running into the glass repeatedly. First we tried to scare him/her. No dice; the bird just tried harder to escape via the glass. I realized that I had a coat in my car and we spent a long time trying to get the bird into the coat without squishing it. He was even able to pet the bird through the coat!

Finally, he managed to grab the bird long enough to get him out of the staircase and onto the ledge of the parking garage. The bird paused, looked from side to side at the open air, smiled (I swear if I've ever seen a bird smile, that was it!), chirped what I can assume was a thank you, and flew away into the trees.

So, the moral of the story is that there is an advantage of being lazy and leaving items of clothing in your car for 8 months. You can help save a bird!

It wasn’t so bad…

If it was a really bad meeting with dramatics, you know I would have written about it right away. Bad news makes for better blogging, that's for sure. Whenever anything bad happens to me, I try to make it comical. I usually can find SOMETHING humorous out of most situations. I can't think of any at the moment, but I'm sure you can think of some.

In reality, the meeting went quite well, and I actually felt better after leaving the meeting than before. It is rare that that happens. It turns out my one sentence ideas were better than any of the ones I'd written pages and pages about. And both ideas are simple and one of them I actually know quite a bit about already. Sweet. I can't say that I definitively have an idea, but I'm working on it. I don't want to jinx myself J

We also discussed plans for the rest of the summer and fall, specifically research. I told him I was leaning towards consulting but haven't ruled out academia. Not quite the truth, but closer. At least he knows I'm thinking about it.

I'm still in the process of moving my office; I need to be out by July 1^st. For some reason, I want to move all of it myself. For sentimental reasons, perhaps? Also, I have some stuff I want to organize before I move it. I swear, I have no idea how 5 years have gone by. 1^st & 2^nd year, it felt like eternity. Memories….

Gulp….

What happens when to try to cancel a meeting with your advisor (because you haven't done anything dissertation related in 3 weeks)…and he/she says no? Deep shit, my friend, deep shit. I (surprise!) happen to be in this current situation. I had initially said that I had "preliminary ideas that I would like to develop further before we meet". Sounds good, right? Unfortunately, my preliminary idea is one sentence. And I haven't bothered to search to find out if it's been done before. Nice work, nice work.

I think I'm just going to 'fess up to doing nothing about my dissertation while explaining that I've been out of town quite a bit and I have more immediate deadlines to meet. Somehow, I think that this explanation will not be enough. I'm preparing for him to rip me a new one. I kind of hope he does; I probably need it, and definitely deserve it. Hopefully, I won't cry (which I do way too easily) or get really sarcastic and uncomfortably self-deprecating.

Will update soon – meeting in 40 minutes.

If you don’t want to read whining and complaining, stop reading here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, I feel quite defeated today. Being a 6^th year, I got booted out of my office and moved to another, more isolated office. I got moved to the counseling side. What happened to seniority? I've been here 5 years already; why should I have to give up my desk? I guess it's meant to be a gentle nudge that I've been here too long (more like a kick in the ass, really). I guess I should feel grateful that I still have an office. My soon-to-be former office is on the main hallway. Thus, people stop by and I can hear the departmental gossip without even leaving my chair. In addition, it has window to outside. It gets too hot or cold, I can open the window. I love my officemates too and don't want to leave (although my new officemates are awesome too…they will never be around though).

New office: kinda on a side hallway. Only near old I/O students like myself and counseling students. Not that I don't like the counseling folks, I just feel so isolated from the I/O happenings. Also, it has only about a quarter of a window…of the atrium. Not an outside window. No temperature control either. Ok, as I'm reading this, I really am whining and should be grateful for an office and stuff, I'm lucky the offices are as nice as they are, blah, blah, blah. I'm still going to pout like a little kid. Try and stop me.

Also, I haven't managed to come up with a dissertation topic in the last three weeks that I haven't met with my advisor. Also, I thought we weren't meeting this week for some reason. Damn. I've been out of town a great deal and have been working a lot on other stuff, but the fact that I've made no progress is really pathetic. I'll probably come up with a half-assed idea (or excuse, if things don't go well) that will get shot down immediately. I hate these meetings. I never have anything worthwhile to say and feel that my attempts at a dissertation are futile. Keep in mind, however that I'm not trashing my advisor. Not at all; I am the one that can't seem to get anything done. I wish someone would pick a topic for me – I'll hate end up hating one I initially liked anyway – If I work on anything too long, it gets old. Really, really old.

I'm frustrated at myself. Now I'm frustrated that can't keep from being frustrated at myself. I have a really, really bad attitude about grad school right now. So bad, that I'm not even sure it is wise to meet with my advisor. I'm afraid that I'll say that I don't care about any of this stuff and that dissertations are pointless. Or that I'll say that I haven't done anything and not sound like I feel bad about it. Probably not a wise decision.

I wonder if I can get away with studying graduate students anxiety who continually procrastinate on their dissertations and how effective ice cream therapy is as a coping strategy. Mmm, ice cream.

So, it’s been an eventful week

In the last week or so 3 friends have gotten engaged (congrats if you're reading) and one that announced her pregnancy (again, congrats). While I'm not exactly ready to do either of these things, it's starting to make feel old. Especially since making that kind of commitment to anyone/thing scares the crap out of me. Should I have such an aversion to these events (for me, not others) at my age? I feel as if I'm regressing sometimes. I like the feeling of having few/no commitments. What other time in my life will I be able to get away with it? I don't have dog, cat, gerbil, hamster, fish, or even a plant (I have a black thumb). I live by myself and have a month-to-month lease (my landlords are awesome – after a year you can go month-to-month, no additional fees or contract). Basically, I could up and leave with 30 days notice. I like this feeling that my life could change drastically at any moment. It never does, of course, but I like that it COULD if I wanted it to.

No dissertation topic quite yet either – I've been out of town so much that I haven't had much chance to work on it. Also, I have other stuff to do. Not that I really want to work on it. I haven't even started the damn thing and just thinking about it creates a tremendous sense of dread. Also, I'm pretty sure that I want go applied. My advisor does not know this, and I'm not sure how he'd feel about it. The thing that made me change my mind: I thought about how frustrated I would be with an advisee like myself. I would go crazy! No, no, no, I don't want that. Not that the higher salary and better chance of living in/near a major city. Not that I'd choose a job based on salary alone but dude, I've got huge student loan debt. Huge. I'd really like to pay off a big chunk of that and then get going with the rest of my life. I hate having so much debt (duh, who does?). It makes me very nervous. I figure I could live like a grad student for a few years after I get done.

On a sad note, George Carlin died yesterday. He was one of the funniest (and accurate) comedians ever. It was smart comedy too. He could have been a philosopher. I guess in his own way, he was. For example, "Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist". Another: "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town". If you haven't heard any of his stuff, you must. Unless you can't stand profanity….then maybe not.

RIP George Carlin