In the last week or so 3 friends have gotten engaged (congrats if you're reading) and one that announced her pregnancy (again, congrats). While I'm not exactly ready to do either of these things, it's starting to make feel old. Especially since making that kind of commitment to anyone/thing scares the crap out of me. Should I have such an aversion to these events (for me, not others) at my age? I feel as if I'm regressing sometimes. I like the feeling of having few/no commitments. What other time in my life will I be able to get away with it? I don't have dog, cat, gerbil, hamster, fish, or even a plant (I have a black thumb). I live by myself and have a month-to-month lease (my landlords are awesome – after a year you can go month-to-month, no additional fees or contract). Basically, I could up and leave with 30 days notice. I like this feeling that my life could change drastically at any moment. It never does, of course, but I like that it COULD if I wanted it to.
No dissertation topic quite yet either – I've been out of town so much that I haven't had much chance to work on it. Also, I have other stuff to do. Not that I really want to work on it. I haven't even started the damn thing and just thinking about it creates a tremendous sense of dread. Also, I'm pretty sure that I want go applied. My advisor does not know this, and I'm not sure how he'd feel about it. The thing that made me change my mind: I thought about how frustrated I would be with an advisee like myself. I would go crazy! No, no, no, I don't want that. Not that the higher salary and better chance of living in/near a major city. Not that I'd choose a job based on salary alone but dude, I've got huge student loan debt. Huge. I'd really like to pay off a big chunk of that and then get going with the rest of my life. I hate having so much debt (duh, who does?). It makes me very nervous. I figure I could live like a grad student for a few years after I get done.
On a sad note, George Carlin died yesterday. He was one of the funniest (and accurate) comedians ever. It was smart comedy too. He could have been a philosopher. I guess in his own way, he was. For example, "Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist". Another: "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town". If you haven't heard any of his stuff, you must. Unless you can't stand profanity….then maybe not.
RIP George Carlin
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