Can't let go of the dream...

I've always been a different, odd you might say, than other people. Most people, given a choice between something they are good at and something they are bad at, pick the good. I always pick the bad, the hardest thing i could do. Not exactly great for the ego or actually accomplishing anything.

Going academic or applied has boiled down to this same question: What am I good at? I'm good at applied work. I know what I'm doing (or at least i can fake it pretty well when i don't). Academics, not so much. Okay, i am in grad school and am ABD, so I'm obviously good at academics to an extent. I got good enough grades to pass my classes, finished my thesis and barely scraped through comps. In grad school, I always fell below the mean, often last in my class. That's a pretty crappy feeling, but i got used to it.

So applied is the easy choice; the winner, right?

Work, on the other hand, is something I've always been good at. I would excel in my non-academic jobs. Granted, most were not very demanding, but i was always one of the best.

I'd make more money consulting. I'd like consulting more. I'll likely be more accomplished. In my heart, that's what i think I'll end up doing. But I'm still trying to go academic; where i always will question my knowledge, will always feel inferior, will always be behind. I don't think I'd like being a professor as much as a consultant. Still, I plod on (in circles often). Perhaps I'm a masochist...

I've always felt that almost all skills/jobs are trainable to some degree. Sure, I'll never be a marathon winner, but I think i could improve a great deal. I'm curious as to where the improvement will stop. This is also true with academics. I'll eventually improve - i guess i want to see how far. With things that I'm already good at, i don't seem to be concerned with. Maybe i just want to be good at everything, Jill of all trades, you might say. Or i want to see if spending more time at things will make me like them more too. I guess I'm always looking for change. I feel like I've improved greatly in many aspects of my life during graduate school. Maybe I'm looking for dramatics - not expecting me to do well and then surprising everyone. If I'm good already, no dramatics?

Apparently, i like it when no one has expectations that i will do very well. I love proving people wrong. I like to be the underdog