The last 2 days have been the longest, least productive days I've had in a very long time. Sure, I was on my computer for 10 hours yesterday…I wrote 3 words for my dissertation proposal. I'm seriously frozen with fear over this. It's really, really stupid, I know. I can write just fine. I'm not the greatest writer ever, but I can write research proposals. Not this one.
I was supposed to turn in the mini-proposal yesterday. I have no more done today than I did yesterday morning. Have I emailed my advisor about the delay? Of course not. What would I say? That I'm too scared to do it? True, but not acceptable. I shouldn't be this anxious about this. I'm making it worse the longer I drag this out. I just have no confidence in myself. At all. For my dissertation at least. I was able to get the book chapter revisions done earlier this week without a problem. I can write in my journal or my blog (obviously). Those are different. I seem to be shooting down my own ideas before I write them down.
I just can't seem to do it and don't believe that I'll actually get it done. I KNOW this is all in my head and that it's just up to me to just DO IT. I'm just having a great deal of trouble with that. I need to be able to turn off my brain to do it. Sounds weird, but I have so much anxiety and negative self-talk going on, I'm analyzing things very harshly before it get my ideas on paper. Thus, my ideas aren't on paper (or the computer screen). I wish I didn't think so much sometimes. More specifically, I wish I didn't analyze every single little thing that goes on in my life. It gets really tiring. So I'm exhausted, yet I get nothing done.
Someone smack me. Please?
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