I've written numerous proposals. I've gotten ideas off the ground in an afternoon. Why can't I do this with my dissertation? I don't have a system for doing these things. I just kinda haphazardly write and read. Sometimes I read a lot before I write, sometimes I read as I write, and sometimes I write without knowing what the hell I'm writing about. Usually the last one. This is more than slightly problematic. I feel that I need to start writing RIGHT NOW so I start writing. Anything. Pretty soon I have 10 pages of fragmented ideas without connections. Those end up in my "failed dissertation topics" folder. Seriously, I have one named exactly that. It contains 10 documents. Not kidding. So I have been doing work; I just haven't gotten anywhere.
I have an idea, but don't really have an adequate path model (I think in path models) or methodology figured out. Somehow, I need to have one to figure out the other. I have neither.
I have great anxiety when even THINKING about my dissertation, much less working on it. I seriously freak out. Like I am right now. Then I avoid, or at least postpone. I feel like I'd rather do just about anything but my dissertation. Even cleaning out my garbage cans (scrubbing the insides & outsides, not merely taking out the trash) has been more appealing.
I want to come up with something simple that can be expanded. I said I'd have a mini-proposal done by tomorrow. If I can get my ideas together, it shouldn't be too much of a problem (procrastination does pay off sometimes)
I really wonder sometimes how I got through high school, let alone college and most of grad school working this way. I wonder how I get through LIFE this way.
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