my life is never boring...

I managed to make my life even more exciting. Still moving all of my stuff into a storage unit, internship in Germany next month, still tons of stuff to do. Now I've got a new challenge: moving without being able to drive. I've lost my driving privileges for 6 months.

How did I do this? I had a seizure on Sunday night at my brother's apartment, 2+ hrs from home.

I feel fine. I'm sure that I'm not as freaked out as my brother and sister-in-law, who witnessed me seizing. Apparently I stopped talking mid-sentence, passed out, then started seizing. I managed to bite my tongue and turned blue. I woke up a minute or so later, rather confused. My brother told me that I had had a seizure. I told him I hadn't. I thought that we were just sitting on the kitchen floor then I got tired and laid down. My brother cleverly told me that the paramedics were friends of his so I didn't fight (I don't have great insurance, so this is gonna be hella expensive). I was so out of it, I totally believed him. I didn't understand it until I got into the ambulance.

I spent 2 days in the hospital, had a bunch of tests done and found nothing wrong. Seems to be a one-time deal. I'm feeling just fine, but irritated that I don't have as much independence as I would like.

Perhaps that was an unaccredited online degree ya got there

Fun at the school clinic last week...

Nurse asks me if I've ever had a finger-stick to test my blood sugar. I told her not to test my blood sugar, but I mention that its the most painful part of donating blood. She then asks "do they just hook it up?", looking really confused. I really hope she wasn't referring to her finger...but who knows.

Nurse does not know how donating blood works. So I think she knows there is a needle and a bag involved...or does she think there is a tube directly in the donor's arm?

There was talk about food because she was testing me for low blood sugar. Somehow got into the conversation of weight loss. I mentioned that I lost ~70 pounds about 5 years ago. She then asked "Did you keep it off?" while looking right at me. No, I didn't. I used to weigh 60lbs...when i was 7.

A few potentially important things she forgot: She didn't weigh me. Or take my temperature. Or asked if I could be pregnant (no), if I had pain anywhere. Had to take my blood pressure 4 times, using the inflatable cuff.

Seriously, I wish I were kidding.

And I wonder why people younger than me call me sweetie

Drive thru interaction.

"I'll have a #3"
"Coffee with that, right?"
"Um, no. Actually I'll um have apple juice.

Apple juice comes in a colorful juice box with Ronald McDonald. I wanted to say that I drink the hard stuff; Coffee gots nothing against 100% apple juice

More silliness

Ah a few questions I've stumbled upon on http://www.saviodsilva.net/silly-questions.htm

- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in". but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why does ‘dyslexia’ have to be so hard to spell?

oh texts from last night; so wrong yet so funny.

I'm still laughing about this one.

(508): Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
(339): No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

texts from last night

Hmmmm...

So my attention has been mostly turned to getting ready for the internship. All of these things that i "must do" I've put off. I do have a month, but it's only a month!!!!! and half of it will be spent in MI, around family and friends.

Other things have been occupying my brain. When are friends just friends? when are friends more than friends? And what about the middle ground? Do your feeling change because you want them to...or someone else wants them to? Or there are no feelings at all. Is it the loneliness? Can a spark grow where there was no spark before?

When I was young and naive, I thought there were 2 levels of relationships between me and a boy: friend or boyfriend. I was never told about the weird in-between space I seem to wind up in frequently.

A good deal of this is due to my fear of commitment (yes, chicks have this affliction too). I like companionship, I like pure and simple platonic friendships. I have a lot of male friends. I'm used to it. I like beer and sports and have been told more than a few times that "You think like a guy". Many of you would argue that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between men and women. Although I respectfully disagree, I will admit that some of my good friends today are those in which attraction on one (or both) sides once existed.

Many times those feelings fade. You found out more about this person and determine that you would be incompatible or to be completely honest, found that they do some things that you do not like. Despite these things, they are still worthy of being your friend.

I never seem to know what I have or don't have. I don't seem to have clarity about where I've stood with guys that I have been involved with in the past. In some ways it is exciting, however. Perhaps I crave that excitement. But there are the times where I want to cut out all of the bullshit and figure out what is really going on.

I'm not one to jump into a relationship quickly. There is so much pressure to be in one at my not-so-tender age. And once you're in own, people hound you to get married. And i might end up spending THE REST OF MY LIFE with a guy. Holy crap! That is terrifying. Will I always be terrified by this???

Up early...

Well, sorta. I'm up early....because I haven't gone to bed yet. I haven't felt sleepy enough to go to sleep. I still don't at 7:15am. Wonderful. The transition to German time will be load of fun. They are 6 hours AHEAD of Eastern Time. So it is 1:15pm in Germany. It would be so much better if it were 6 hours behind. 1:15am isn't a bad time to go to sleep...that's quite an improvement for me, actually.

I really need to go to bed at regular person times. I wish I could say that I spend the late night hours being useful...but I don't, for the most part. I've been writing some, but it is nonacademic writing and stuff that probably no one will ever read. I guess being creative for creativity's sake is something.

Years down the road...wait, I'm there already???

When I started graduate school, I didn’t know what to expect several years down the road. I couldn’t imagine surviving past the 1st year! But I have. Hasn’t always been pretty, but I have.

One thing that helped me get through the first few years was my cohort. We went to the same classes, saw each other every day and hung out with each other on the weekends. We had Thursday nights at Don Pablos ($2.50 margaritas!) and spent a heck of a lot of time at 69 Taps, Jillians, Brubakers, and yes, Posh (its called Lux now). Bowling at Stonehedge, Luigi’s at 3am, and of course some kickin' parties at people’s apartments.

It's different now. Dissertating is a lonely process. We don’t have a “dissertation class” to go to where we see each other a couple of times a week. We work on this at home, or in offices far removed from the rest of the I/O side. Not that I don't appreciate my counseling office neighbors, it is nice to have people in the same situation as oneself. I never knew how lonely things would get. I never thought that I would be more unhappy as an ABD than i was studying for comps! At least with comps, we were all doing the same thing, at the same time. Also, still being in classes, we had a lot of moral support. Although there are plenty of others working on their dissertations still, a number are several years below me...so i never really see any of these people. I suppose it is my fault, I haven't exactly reached out to others.

Perhaps i need to acknowledge that things have changed, people have changed, the department has changed. I can't seem to let go of what was. In addition, I have a fear of getting too attached to others because it will suck when I (eventually) leave.

I hate saying goodbye. I avoid goodbye parties for people that I will miss very much, even though I would like to see them off. I detach early - it will hurt me less. It is a very selfish perspective to take.

Comfort foods

Its been so evident to me lately how strong the relationship is between food and memory. I've been finding myself seeking out foods that remind me of people I miss or pleasant situations. For my sister, it is sour gummy worms. I remember her eating an entire bag of them in the Walmart parking lot when we were younger. Whenever I eat any, I think of her.

For my brother, it is pizza rolls. Although I typically do not buy them myself; it only seems appropriate to take down half a box of them when we are hanging out.

This came to mind as I am eating a black bean veggie burger with ketchup, hold the bun. It reminds me of a friend I haven't seen in awhile, and the last time I did we had a great time together. Other things that reminds me of friends are cheese-filled garlic breadsticks, omelets, taco bell (numerous occasions and people), peanut butter cups, rum balls, lazy pancakes...and probably many more that I cannot remember at the moment.

Each time I eat any one of these foods I feel like these people are closer to me or I remember the situation in which we both consumed them or who would make them for me. Sometimes it causes me sadness, such as the softbatch chocolate cookies and sprite that my Grandpa would always have for us whenever we came over. He is no longer with us, but anytime I have either I think of him. I try to drink the sprite out of a plastic glass as he always served it to us. I've been missing him a lot lately, although it has been 9 years since he passed away. I know that he would be proud of all I've accomplished and excited that I would be going to Germany. He emigrated from there in 1929. He could help me with my German for sure :-)

I suppose I'm just feeling nostalgic and remembering that I have a lot of people that I miss. Food seems to help somewhat; feeling closer to those people brings up some memories and shenanigans that we engaged in :-)

And i'm laughing

Humor is a wonderful thing. It can make tense situations less tense, awkward moments less awkward, and embarrassing moments less embarrassing. It is also a way to laugh at ourselves, to be self-deprecating is to call out our faults first to be sure that no one else does. We laugh.

Humor is necessary for life; for getting along with others. Be being funny we can deflect serious events or feels like they are no big deal. If others think those things are no big deal, it makes it no big deal to us, right? Right?

Sometimes, not so much. Sometimes we ache to tell and show others how much things hurt, how alone we feel, how much we want to just be held. It is inappropriate to tell others this, or we are afraid to tell people things without a humorous component. So people kind of know what is going on, but believe it doesn't really affect us, that we truly feel as nonchalant as we tell people. And a confession of hurt + a touch of humor makes people less concerned. We want people to know what is going on, to understand the turmoil inside of us...but don't want to scare them off or to cause worry.

We smile when we tell others, crack a joke and move on in the conversation. No one stops it or questions how you felt or if they do, we say it is no big deal, it happened so long ago, it doesn't affect me now. While that is certainly true about some things, other things we are not so forthcoming. There are things that people should know about that we never talk about. things that will make others understand us more, that will explain some of our jacked-up behaviors. There is so much fear that others will find out and we will be looked at differently forever. That we will be looked at with pity, or we will be seen as damaged.

It is difficult to tell someone when we aren't doing so well without bumming them out or making them worry. Even if it is worthy of worrying.

And tomorrow is December...yikes!

Thanksgiving was great - I got to see friends and family...and eat a lot of food! Wish my brother and sister-in-law were there, but at least they live fairly close to me.

I leave for Germany in a little over a month. Wow! Still lots to do: the apartment, learning more German, random other stuff.

I'm excited to go, for sure. But I'm starting to think about how it will be to be away from everyone. Even at Thanksgiving, it is hard for me to leave my family and friends. I can't imagine how it is going to be to be thousands of miles (and an ocean between) from everyone I know. It's a little scary to think about.

I'm sure that I'll have a great time over there and I'll meet a lot of people. And there is internet and phone communication. Also, I'll be really busy, so perhaps I won't have much time to miss people?

And thanksgiving is upon us...

The year has gone by so fast. I'll be in Germany in a month and a half...so much to do yet. Also thinking of how things were last year at this time.

The big thing is while I have friends to come home to, but there is no one else. Last year at this time I was in this crazy infatuation phase with an amazing guy. And things didn't work out...not in the way I thought they would. But nothing came from it. Perhaps nothing should.

I've been surprised at how lonely I get sometimes. I'm used to living alone, doing things alone, being alone. Somehow it is different now. This is not to say that I don't hang out with friends; I do. But I like to take care of myself as much as possible. And I'm not afraid to go to events without a date. I'm used to being a solo act.

Currently I feel jaded; about relationships and life in general. Getting out of here for awhile will probably do wonders for me. I know my life is good...I just want to appreciate how good it really is.

And after a loong hiatus, I am back.

Wow, i really need to update more often. Let's see things that have happened since I last posted: summer, a good deal of the fall, a book chapter I wrote was published, I got an internship next semester, and I am unemployed (until January).

Starting with the later, I was really disappointed. I thought that a teaching position in the fall was all but guaranteed, but due to budget constraints, it was not to be. I totally understand the reason, and the department has come through for me countless other times, so I really can't be upset about it. I applied to every school in the area, however, and didn't even get an interview. I believe I can be upset about that. Yet i know that the economy sucks, whether for individuals or organizations...so I do understand the predicament many businesses are in. In addition, I applied to many random jobs in the area without so much as an interview. Thus, I am on unemployment. It's not enough, and I feel guilty about taking it, but it is something. And I need to eat. It was about to be revoked a few weeks ago, but luckily I won my appeal.

So, on to better things: the book chapter that I co-wrote is published! It's in a giant book on performance management. It is really cool to see my work in print!

And the biggest thing of all: the internship. But it is not just any internship, it is in Germany!!!! I've never been outside of the US or Canada and have always wanted to travel but never had the time or money to do so. It is a paid internship as well, so I'll be making (a little bit) of money; enough to get by over there. I'm rather excited, to say the least, but there are some loose ends to be taken care of before I leave. The biggest loose end is my apartment. What to do with it: sublet, put it all in storage????? I'm coming back before the end of the semester, so I might not find anyone to live here. And I'm not relishing the thought of packing up all of my belongings. But honestly, I could be living in a less expensive apartment. I guess I'll see how that goes.

The other big thing is learning German. I took 5 years of French; so my foreign language training is not helpful for me at all. Trying to teach myself and it is going ok thus far. I'm trying to put in a couple of hours a day. I didn't think I'd need to learn much, but apparently my roommate over there does not speak English. Yikes! And i want to be able to communicate with people there in general. The company I am interning for does 70% of their business in English, so I'll be okay there. I'm just a bit nervous about speaking a language that I have had no formal training in learning. Granted, I'll probably get through more than a semester's worth of German on my own - I can accelerate the process a bit; I'm willing to spend a good chunk of time everyday learning.

I'm sure that lots more has happened in 6ish months...I'll try to update more often...I promise!

Is this what other people’s days are like?

I've been ridiculously productive in the last couple of days. Today, I finished everything I intended to – including working out, grocery shopping besides the dissertation stuff. Meeting is tomorrow, and I'm ready. It's nice to have a meeting that I feel ready for. I just have to reorganize some stuff and I'm good.

I love feeling like I'm actually getting stuff done. In grad school it seems that NOTHING is ever "done". There is never a real break, where there's nothing that we should be doing. If not classes, it's theses or dissertations, other projects….etc.

I love days like these! I hope they continue….I'm going to do my best.

Never fails…

I'm supposed to be in Detroit right now. Where am I? My apartment. Why?

Several reasons. Just got an email asking about meeting…on Monday. Yikes. Not so compatible for the weekend of fun that was planned. However, this is my own fault. I've been procrastinating all week, thinking the meeting would be later on in the week. Eek.

Second reason: I had an allergic reaction to mangoes. Yep. Turns the mangoes are in the same family as poison ivy. I'm very allergic to poison ivy. So my lips and all around my mouth are red. And itchy. It's not pretty. Hopped up on Benadryl now. Did make me sleepy, but last does made me a little wired.

I'm going to try to do as much work as possible and leave tomorrow. Hopefully this will work out. I haven't been back to Detroit in about 5 months.

Work, work, work!

Still here…but no one else is

Currently I'm sitting in my office. Door shut, only the desk lamp on. I no longer have a window to the outdoors, so it's like a cave. I like it.

I was in quite the good mood earlier this morning. I actually went to bed at a decent time (midnightish) and woke up at a decent time (7:30). I got to school at 9:30ish and started working. I still had to enter grades for the semester (it's a process). I did so and in the process saw one of my classmates who had just graduated. I am so happy for him!!! Also, 2 other members of my cohort graduated this semester as well. It's amazing how we started as 1^st years…and now they have their PhDs.

I was not thinking about this at all when I was walking back to my office after entering grades. I was thinking about how I was going to structure my day and which part of the dissertation I was going to work on. I got into my office ---and I saw it; "It" being my (former) officemate's empty desk. There is absolutely nothing on the desk. She's moved out.

I burst into tears before my mind even processed it. My officemate was never in while I was there anyway. I rarely saw her. But the empty desk was evidence that she is gone; getting on with her life. I was not. Or so it feels.

I know quite well this is my own doing; the only person that holds me back is me. I've been pretty good about just working on the dissertation lately and not comparing myself to others, or thinking about my past mistakes/laziness.

Hence, the door is closed. I've had similar reactions the last few times I was in my office, but just a few tears and I got on with my work. I could not stop this time. I told myself I'll give myself 5 minutes to be sad; to cry it all out then get back to work. That didn't work. So I said 10. Still couldn't read the words on the computer screen through my tears. I cried for a half-hour. And now I'm tearing up again.

I feel like I'm overreacting. I knew this was coming. I'd dealt with it already…or so I thought. I'm happy for what my classmates have accomplished!!!! I truly am. Why can't I focus on their gains instead of my loss? This is a very positive event. I should think of it as such. I need to separate myself from thinking that I wish I was there. I'm not, but so what? My friends have their PhD!!! That is an awesome thing. I need to figure myself out of the equation.

I'd really like to get out of my office for a bit. However, I'd like to not look like I'm crying. The asking of "what's wrong?" would bring another flood of tears. Perhaps I could claim allergies?

Damn, I'm really sick of crying in my office.

Let’s just go with this for now….

So I've been pretty bad about posting. I've been working fairly hard on my dissertation and wrapping up the end of the semester of teaching. I've still had difficulty nailing down my specific design and hypotheses. Still.

I've got a good deal of anxiety going lately; dissertation related for the most part, but I'm sure some other random life stresses have contributed. Thus, I've just been working on the lit review (for the sections I know are going to be there). Not the most efficient way to do it, but I can work on it without staring blankly at the screen for hours. Or freaking out. I don't know why I have so much anxiety with writing my dissertation. So I figure that working on it in some way (even if not the best) is better than nothing. I'm not so sure my advisor is in agreement, but if I can just get over this anxiety thing, I'll be able to nail things down and really get moving. Or so is my goal.

Been doing yoga the last few days and it is really helping with the anxiety. I actually did a couple of sun salutations in my office the other day. Felt kinda weird, but it relaxed me. Whatever works, right?

Trying to get caught up, illness trying to get the best of me.

What's even better than being away and trying to catch up on all the stuff that should have been done before I left as well as all of my current duties/work? Getting sick and trying to catch up with said duties/tasks/responsibilities. Not like a cold sick, but have a lovely case of the flu, complete with nausea (etc.), fever, exhaustion, and an incredibly fuzzy head. You know the fuzzy head feeling you get when you start to get/are sick? Not so much fun. Also, not being able to eat much has also greatly hindered my productivity.

I felt great on Friday – did a bunch of errands including hand-washing my car. Ambitious, yes. By about 9pm on Friday I felt horrible again. Yesterday I didn't feel great either. Today, not sure if I have a fever, but unless my apartment is actually less than 55 degrees, which is not likely, I probably have a fever. And the nausea is back in full force. Back to pretzels, applesauce and vernors. Oh and popsicles. Full of nutrients, I know. I just can't handle much else right now. The bright spot – I lost all of the weight I gained in B'ham and New Orleans!

Also, I have some wacky rental insurance issues – they are cancelling my policy for some unknown reason. And of course, business hours are only between 8 -4pm M-F. And my PayPal account was hacked into, leaving me minus $700. Luckily the case was resolved today (yay for PayPal working weekends!) and I have my money back. Was able to read an article yesterday. Not much, but it is something. Going to try to read a couple more, integrate some of the research into my dissertation, and grade papers which I promised my students I would have graded by tomorrow. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except that I decided to let them redo their papers if they wanted a higher grade. Thus, I need to give them time to do that, and the semester is almost over. Yeah, that's biting me in the ass now. So if I don't complete them on time, they are going to be mad that there is not enough time to revise them. If I hadn't offered that opportunity, they wouldn't care if they ever got their papers back, just so long as their grades are posted on the website. Oh well, I have this conscious when it comes to teaching; I have a need to go beyond what is required and I have to do the best job I can, regardless if it causes me stress. Even though these extra things that I do rarely end up in the student evaluations, I feel guilty if I don't do everything I can realistically do to make it a good class, to give students an opportunity to succeed without being too lenient with grading.

I should really get back to work on my dissertation, at least for a couple of hours. And should try to grade at least 1/3 of the papers today. Those are my goals. Also, I'm hoping to eat some "real" food today too, but unfortunately it doesn't appear that this will happen today.

Been trying to catch up…

After a fantastic time in New Orleans last week, I'm trying to catch up on all the stuff I should have done before I left, as well as the stuff I should be doing currently. I'm not on top of stuff. Shocking, I know. Funny that I can say that about myself, but can't stand to hear it from other people. And I've been hearing it from other people quite frequently lately.

Haven't been feeling well either; actually felt pretty well all day but starting to feel bad again. I hope I feel better tomorrow – I've got to teach and do more work.
Sorry this is not a remotely interesting post. Figured I'd just let people know I'm alive.

Another Tuesday night…

Yes, meeting is tomorrow. I'm supposed to have a 2-3 page intro of my dissertation done. Not a big deal, right? I can get it done in a couple of hours, right? Well….

I've had the last 2 weeks to do this. It's not very long, not very difficult to write (or so it seems), yet I have a block that I'm having trouble getting past. Again. I was doing ok earlier; just writing however it was in my head without trying to make it sound good. I can fix it later once I've got everything down – I can edit and rearrange. I need to plan on doing it half-assed/barely acceptable. Usually once I get to that point I'll feel the need to refine it.

Seriously, I'm ridiculous. I'm in my office now and have been for about an hour. I said I'd send it to my advisor sometime today. I'm striving for 11:59pm at this point. *sigh*

A day in the life of a dissertator…

A hypothetical (or is it?) scenario:

[Imagine thought bubble above head]: "Tag on shirt is scratchy. I should change, I want to be more comfortable when I work". *Goes to bedroom and finds shirt without itchy tag* "That's better".

"Wow, is my room a disaster! Ya know, that's going to bug me while I'm working, to know that my room is this messy. I'll clean up a little". *Changes sheets on bed, picks up shoes and clothing off of floor, dusts, swiffers floor, come up with new organization of items in dresser, alphabetizes perfume bottles.* "Ok, that is much better".

Wow, that took a long time. I'd better get back to work." *Goes back and sits down at table*. "Should really check email. And facebook, of course. Need to know what is going on". *3 hrs later after checking the news, friendstock, mafia wars, lil green patch, lil blue cove, playing word challenge, playing tetris, back to friendstock to get more tokens and boost, back to mafia wars again to rob a pimp…*

"Ok, seriously now, I must work on the dissertation". *Stomach grumbles* "Damn, I'm really hungry. I can't work without food. Food is fuel, after all. Need energy to work. And I've always wanted to make a soufflé…"

Ah, productivity at its finest.

Excuse or explanation?

I haven't gotten a chance to work on my dissertation at all this week. I've been sick, and then I had outlines to grade. My great aunt passed away. I cancelled my meeting with my advisor because I hadn't gotten a chance to work on it. He responded by telling me to set some concrete goals to share with him. Not sure what to tell my advisor; just that I'm doing what I can do right now? That I've been trying to work on it every day and that's the best I can do? I've not made much measurable progress (not that I could show anyone anyway – random scribbles, lit review outlinish thing) but I feel like I can actually work on it. Not much, but I can.

I feel like everything is an excuse. That my concentration sucks, my great-aunt died (not especially close to her, but still made me sad), I had outlines to grade, that I'm not sleeping/eating well, that dissertation scares me, that I don't believe that I'll ever finish it. It is hard to admit to myself that I'm not doing as well as I should be. Telling other is even harder.

It sounds like I've got a lot of issues – which I do. I don't think this is what he had in mind when taking me on as an advisee. I know this is not what I had in mind.

can you guess which kitten i would be?

more animals

I, uh…um…can’t explain that

That's not something a teacher should say whilst teaching. Not for something that is in the book, that is on the freaking exam review, that I know and prepared for. I ended up letting my second class out 25 minutes early because I simply couldn't do my job. Yeah, I can have a bad day. This was much more than a bad day. Considering my students work full-time and go to school, have families, etc. I at the very least could do my job well.

The culprit? Probably lack of food. I woke up late and scurried to school and worked all day, then taught. It wasn't until one of my students asked me what I ate earlier until I realized that I hadn't had anything but a couple of chocolate heart left over for valentines day. That's it. I forgot to eat. All day. I didn't feel hungry at all. Didn't even have brain fatigue…it just stopped working.

Geez.

So, so tired

My sleep schedule has been quite messed up lately. Like going to bed at 5:30am one night and get up at 4:30am another (not consecutive days, obviously). I've not been waking up early by choice, either. And today was no exception. It blows to get up at 5:45am while having gone to bed at 3:30am. And I didn't have to get up until 8:30-9am. I didn't really even sleep; I think with anxiety about the dissertation kept me up. Barely slept the night before either.

I've done some work already today. I think I am a good work-in-the-morning person, but not actually a morning person. This would be a fantastically wonderful thing that I've gotten stuff done already, but I'm going to be getting stuff done (or at least working on) until at least 9:30pm. That's what sucks about teaching at night and waking up early. The day is too long. Mondays aren't bad because I usually stroll in about 2 or 3pm. But Wednesdays I have an 11am meeting. Not so early really, but I usually will get there at 10am to prep and don't leave until at least 10pm, after I've taught and organized my things for the next day. So 12hrs of work in store for me. On no sleep. This should be fun.

Been trying to quell the anxiety I have about the dissertation. When I look at how well I've been sticking to my schedule the last couple of days, and making progress every day, I feel like I'm doing well. I just don't feel that I have that much to show for it. So on my terms, my evaluation, I'm doing quite well making progress, however slow. Slow is better than none, right? I still feel like a slacker during meetings though. It's not usually that I haven't worked on stuff, but that I don't really have much to explain. I often feel like the meetings are fairly unnecessary if all I'm going to say is that I've been reading, thinking and writing the lit review. I don't really have many questions to ask at this point that I shouldn't be able to figure out by reading more. And makes me kinda pissed to go in early just to say that. If I had to be there that early already, I wouldn't mind. But this gets me to school about 4 hours before I usually would.

I need to focus on the things that I am doing right, however slowly. I don't like meetings because I don't feel like I have much to show for the work I've done. It makes me feel a little ashamed. It's weird that I actually feel good about my dissertation in relation to my plans and goals. I feel that more is expected of me than that. I'd really like to stick to my own expectations right now, until I gain some confidence in my work and abilities.

Tea, meetings, and anxiety. Have I learned anything in the past 5.5 years of grad school?

So it is very early Wednesday morning…and we all know what Wednesday morning's bring. The weekly meeting. The meeting that I attempt to explain what I'm thinking/doing, generally without much success.

So here it is 12:30am and I'm binge-drinking herbal tea. First was country peach passion, but that is all gone now. Onto lemon zinger. I'm sitting at my dining room table with a whole bunch of articles spread before me. I have done several hours of work today (followed my new color-coded calendar somewhat) but I haven't gotten as much done as I would have liked. I think I work much slower than the average student; it seems to take forever for me to get stuff done, even when I'm not procrastinating.

Also, I get to the point where I'm almost done…and stop. Anxiety kicks in big time. So I can't seem to finish my ideas/thoughts/paragraphs completely. I hate that I do this; if I were running a 5k (3.1 miles), I wouldn't stop after mile 3. I'd finish the race. I'd dig in and use all of the energy I have to kick it in. So what if my lungs are burning? So what if my legs feel like they are going to give out? Just a little further, and I'll be done and be able to rest.

One problem with this race analogy is that the dissertation process is not a 5k; it is an ultra-marathon. An ultra-marathon through the woods, over mountains, often with trails that lead nowhere that fools us. My thought of the entire painful race gets to me and I freak out.

I also I'm plagued with thoughts that my writing is not good enough. I wonder how I managed to pass my classes, finish my thesis, pass comps. I forget I've even done that. I feel as clumsy with this whole dissertation process as I did with my first grad class – no idea what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I've regressed on the "smart" scale…like all of the previous education in the past doesn't count, or that I couldn't do it now. Deep down though, I know I have the ability. I've always had the ability. I just don't always have the motivation, concentration, confidence to do things to the best of my ability.

Seriously, when I think about what I'm doing right now (with the teacup replacing the view of the struggling writing's ashtray) I know that I'm being unreasonably anxious. Seriously, I'm sitting in front of a computer screen and can't seem to get a simple list of questions and comments appropriate for the meeting tomorrow. That's another thing; I never really know what he expects every meeting. Should I always have questions, or have some amount of writing done? I'm not entirely sure. I should probably ask. I don't often feel like I have anything "together enough" to turn in. Sure, I may have 6 pages of random notes and ideas, but it was probably make no sense to him. Email only advising is what I'm used to, and what I'm most comfortable with.

Ok, 1am and I'm on my 6^th cup of tea. And I feel like baking cookies or something. Must come up with a list of points to discuss/questions to ask. I think I've got most of it in different forms of notes –scribbles, outlines, etc. Wish I could sit down and wrote in an organized, coherent fashion. Sorry if this post is neither.

Motivation needed; concentration too

I've not been especially good at staying motive or beings as productive as I'd like. I have worked on stuff a little more, but not nearly what I could do. At this rate, I'll be graduating in 2038.

I think I may need more structure, or at least some routine. I have routines for absolutely nothing. If it is not scheduled, I don't do it on any predictable basis. I don't have a particular time that I get up or that I go to bed. So essentially, nothing in my life has become automatic. It is rare that I feel like I'm having an odd day, that I'm doing something other than I usually do. So you could call me a free spirit or whatnot. Without that automaticity, however, I don't "just do" anything. I have to think about it and decide what to do. So I need to think less – save it for the dissertation.

I think way too much about everything. Today I woke up early and wanted to do some laundry. However, I was concerned that I might want to go somewhere after I started a load. And I didn't really HAVE to do laundry; it could wait. Took me about 10 minutes to decide that I was, in fact, going to do laundry. When I get to the laundry room however, there was someone using it. So I had spent all of this time making this small decision and it didn't even work out.

I think about small things in the same way I tackle bigger problems. A bit too much analysis for daily life. Perhaps that's why I can't concentrate on anything; every little decision seems to be a big deal.

So, I'm going to try to stick to some sort of schedule. I hate conforming to schedules -way too limiting. But I have to admit that when I had classes I was much better about getting things done and generally did things at the same time each week.

So I'll see how this works. I'm only going to schedule week-by-week and reschedule "appointments" if I don't do things when I am supposed to. I have a new color-coded calendar – hopefully I can put it to good use. I love to create calendars and schedules, but I'm generally very poor at sticking to them.

Chugging along…

I had a good meeting with my advisor last Wednesday. I've got some direction and some suggestions on how to move forward. One such thing I'll need to do is to do a literature review of P-O fit. Ok, I can do that. I meet with him tomorrow…and I've only got a page done. Well, it is only 3:30pm; I've got until 11am tomorrow. I don't think he expects me to have it completely finished. Not sure what I'm going to say. I'll probably send him what I have and tell him not to look over it; I just wanted to show him that I am working on it.

Teaching has been eating up a good amount of my time. Not really the actual teaching part or preparing the material part. Mostly emailing students and asking for make-up exams, dealing with strange situations. Oh, and posting of things on Springboard. I really need to focus on my dissertation more – like work on it exclusively T, TH, & F. Although there are student issues that keep coming up and I like to deal with them as they come.

So I'm doing pretty well overall. Teaching is going well. They didn't seem to hate me because of the test like prior classes have been. Ended up talking to a few students after each class for awhile. Dissertation is progressing slowly, but the general forward trajectory is good, even if the velocity is slow. I'll worry about the speed later. Right now I need to focus on being consistent; working on it a bit every day, or at least 5 days a week. Even it is only one article I read, 2 sentences I write, or gathering more articles, it is progress. Progress is good.

It isn’t what you say; it’s how you say it.

I've had a couple of instances in the last couple of days for which inspired this post. The first was a chat with a friend. The second was an email I received from a student. In both cases, while I didn't LIKE what they wrote, the sentiment itself didn't piss me off. What pissed me off was how it was worded. "You can't leave it be, can you?" [something to that effect…definitely including the 'can you?" which I find offensive] in reference to a situation in which I hadn't fully described. Immediately, I became defensive. I was also quite upset before this whole thing started. I was just looking for someone to listen/read since I had had quite a bad day. While I don't believe what he meant was malicious, it came across as a scolding, a lecture. Not what I wanted to read at 3am. Thus, I got pissed and signed off, saying I was going to bed (wasn't really).

The email I received was very accusatory, stating that I was very unfair. Note the *I*. In my many years of grad school, I learned that feedback is best given at the task level (Kluger & DeNisi, 1996). Thus, a better way of getting the message across without making me defensive would be, "I feel that [whatever the student thinks is unfair. i.e. how the homework is graded] is unfair. Not referring to me, my personal characteristics, but to my actions. Big difference. I spent several hours this evening really pissed off about it.

Using email/chat to convey emotions is tricky. While something may not be meant as malicious may come across that way. It is based on how the reader interprets it, which can be partially influenced by current mood. I overreacted to both, no doubt about it. However, people should be conscious about how they come across to others, particularly through written communication. I'm sure I'm guilty of this as well; perhaps coming across a little blunt. I'm terrible at ending emails, so I often sign off without any sort of closing. I need to work on that. And stop overreacting.

Um, I’ve been reading…

So, the university did actually close! So no meeting, right? Not quite. There was a request/strong suggestion for a phone meeting. I did what I always do; I emailed. Generally, meetings with my advisor last 5-10 minutes anyway. And I am doing what we said I would do: reading. I probably should have questions to ask, but I don't. I have a few ideas, but they are way incomplete (as in I'm not sure they even make sense) and I'm not ready to share them.

Sooo, I'm hoping that's enough. I should have more concrete hypotheses by next week. I should have written that in the email. Oh well.

I really want to get to the point in which I look forward to weekly meetings. Ok, at least not dread them.

I should update that dissertation journal…

So, it’s Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…

And I am up. I've been staying up ridiculously late…basically because I can. Then wake up ridiculously late, get to school at 2pm while feeling like a lazy schmuck. I then stay at school until 10:30 or so. 8 ½ hours of work isn't lazy schmuck-ish, but work that is done during the day seems to be more highly valued. People forget I go home at the time they go to bed and figure I head out at 4:30pm just like the most of the department. In actuality, no one probably notices/cares; 6^th year students are banished to the other side.

Actually, I get to school at 11am on Wednesdays for a meeting that I am rarely sufficiently prepared for. I spent all of the time in my office before I taught on Monday (a good 3 ½ hours) on teaching stuff. So I was going to work on my dissertation after. However, when I got back to my office at 9:30pm I was really, really tired. I stayed for another 45 minutes…working on teaching stuff.

Tuesday I was supposed to either 1) go to my office and work all day, or 2) stay at home and work all day. My subconscious, however picked option 3: Stay at home with articles sitting next to you without actually looking at them or open any written documents related to the dissertation while watching TV. After hearing of the monstrous snow storm expected (12-18", yo!) then 1) called Mom to complain, and 2) went grocery shopping. Majority of purchases were healthy and now she can sustain herself for the next day or so while potentially trapped in apartment (lol). I did need milk and *could* have used groceries, but I went out like I was going to starve to death if I didn't buy more food. I also spent 20 minutes putting on makeup, including eyeliner (which I rarely have the patience to put on and typically rub my eye and unknowingly smear it all over my face). I need to look my best while perusing the perishables.

Got back, watched a few episodes of Scrubs, wrote in my journal for awhile, chatted online, and ate dinner. Have no idea where rest of the time went. Suddenly around 11:30pm I started feeling a bit anxious. Somehow I didn't have the most productive of days. Therefore, I needed to polish my nails. Red. I haven't had polished nails since October and that was because of my sister's wedding. And when I do wear polish, it's usually like a really pale pink; the kind you can wear after half of it is chipped off without it looking horrible. Red is a bit high maintenance. I don't even wear red on my toes!

So they are polished. And they make my hands look even paler than they are which are quite ghostly. And seem a bit formal. While I've been a brunette, a blond, and a redhead (more auburn really) in the past year, somehow painting my nails red seems too attention-grabbing.

Yes, I've spent this long thinking about it. Why? I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow/today. I don't feel as prepared as I should be. I have done work, quite a bit actually, but nothing actually written…and not a whole lot considering hypotheses and whatnot. Been reading, thinking a little…still no real "proof" that I've been working. Gahhh!!! School may be canceled tomorrow, but I'm probably obligated to at least send an email about my ideas/what I've been working on. And no, I don't think attaching this blog would be a good way of showing proof of productivity.

So, I'm still up and compulsively eating a good deal of the groceries I bought earlier (See, I really did need to go shopping!) I've almost clicked on one of the several documents that contain ideas/writing dealing with my dissertation. However, I must check my friend stocks on Facebook, and then catch up on the PhD comics. So yeah, I'll probably be up all night. If the university doesn't close, I'll be really screwed.

Making progress…

Yes! I can honestly write this!!! I got "unstuck" and am actually working on my dissertation and getting something done! Woot! I really feel like this is going to work out, that I'm going to be motivated, that I'm going to make real progress instead of spinning my wheels.

I actually started a dissertation journal. I'm detailing what I did as well as how I felt when I did it. I'm hoping this will help me document the days that I do work, but it doesn't feel like I'm making progress. Also I'm hoping that if I admit in writing to myself that I did nothing on a particular day, it will motivate me. Also writing why I didn't should be helpful, especially if it is anxiety. Anxiety is my kryptonite; I can get so anxious from thinking about working on my dissertation that I don't start. Hopefully, writing it down will make me acknowledge it and move on.

It's funny; I write so much in so many places. There's this blog of course, my dissertation journal, my personal journal, poetry/prose about real or imagined events, and short stories. Sheesh. I enjoy a lot of it and I feel like it is helpful to get my thoughts and emotions in writing. Saves my friends from listening to me talk out my problems. I often have to talk through decisions. It's pretty much a monologue, it's like I have to hear the words come out of my mouth before I can think about them in a (fairly) objective way. So writing seems like a better alternative than 1) making friends listen to my hour-long monologue, or 2) talking to myself. Hmm, never tried that…

Sleeping super-late is good for my productivity…

I woke up at 1pm this afternoon. Surely nothing to do with staying up really late. However, I've gotten more done in the last hour and a half than I would have if I got up at 9am. Why? Guilt. Pure guilt. I feel so lazy, I need to make up for it. So I've been working frantically and will continue to do so until my guilt subsides.

So sleeping late can make me productive? Hmmm, I might be on to something. And I'm thankful that I don't live with anyone that wakes me up. Yet another reason to stay single and childless.

Sometimes you just have an epiphany…

I realized, as I was washing the pile of dirty dishes (and shaking my booty to Usher), that I am happy. Happy. I'm happy with myself. I crack myself up that I feel so happy doing dishes (you'd think I'd do them more often; I often wait until I'm eating cereal out of my 4 quart mixing bowl).

Sometimes I feel like I'm behind in life. I've often been late to do things. Given my age (28), many of my friends are married and have children. That is a wonderful but I often wonder 2 things: 1) when the hell will I ever be ready for that?, or 2) it would really be nice to have that cozy little family; to be settled. Lately, I've been stuck on the latter. I've been in school, gotten a couple of degrees, but I haven't bound myself legally to someone nor created a person. I guess I don't think about it too much, but creating another human being? That's amazing.

I guess you could say I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I got out of a long-term relationship 5.5 months ago. I'm not really missing that particular relationship per say (wonderful guy, just not right for me), but having that comfort being part of a couple and all the benefits that it entails. I see everyone's Facebook pictures of their wedding, their adorable kids. At times I feel frivolous, that what I'm doing is not important. Some people are making humans and taking care of them; I'm typing on a computer to write a paper that's going to be read by no more than 10 people.

When I was a child, I always wanted to be older, to have more privileges, to stay up later, to drive, to live on my own. It had to be great to do anything you wanted to whenever you wanted. And of course, like everyone else, I enjoyed the freedom, but also realized all of the responsibilities I had once I was an adult. And eating Taco Bell every day for a week got a little old (actually, I'm surprised I survived a week of Toxic Hell).

Lately I've only been thinking about the responsibilities, the obligations, the expectations that being an independent adult entails. All the stuff that I have to do. Bills, getting jobs, cleaning my apartment, making myself look like a responsible adult. All of that. I've forgotten about that childhood dream about having the freedom to stay out as late as I want, eating candy for breakfast, and having my own car, my own mobility.

And since I do live alone, I can do all sorts of weird stuff that other people don't see. I can dance around my bedroom to whatever comes over the radio. And I can sing along (anyone that's ever heard me sing knows that they don't want to be in earshot. I could give some of the tragic American Idol contestants a run for their money). I can try out weird booty shaking moves that should never be done in public (although I usually end up breaking those out after several glasses of wine at a wedding. Unfortunate, especially if the lucky couple has a videographer). I can eat cereal for dinner and no one will say anything. I can watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" without shame.

I've luckily had the good fortune to be able to teach this semester. Yeah, some things/people can get annoying (usually minor), but I love to teach. And I love that I have an audience to spout off to for 6 hrs a week. And I always have stories. Teaching is ALWAYS ripe for stories whether it's something weird a student does/says or that I do. If any of my former students are reading you probably have witnessed a few of them. Most of the funniest things usually come from a ridiculous statement/question/request one-on-one or a disaster barely averted (usually wardrobe malfunction). I actually had 2 students from 2 different classes 4 years apart utter the statement, "I am a very mature 20." One of them was prefaced by "you're not that old". Oh dear.

I have of these possibilities and opportunities, both personal and professional. All of these things that I CAN DO and that I HAVE NOW. I'm living in the present for a change.

Now if I'll you excuse me, I'm off to have Hershey's kisses and Christmas Ale for dinner.

I’m employed!!!

So in a weird turn of events, I'm teaching 2 sections of intro psych this semester. So relieved that I will have some income; I've been stressing this (and looking for jobs) for a couple of months.

In my second class I heard, "don't tell me that's the instructor. She's a baby!" Lol. Less of a baby than she thinks. I was all dressed up too; trying to look older than 12. Apparently I failed.

More good news – my knee was ok standing up for a couple of hours with the brace on. Having a little pain today, but no swelling. And it looks almost identical to my other knee. All good stuff.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty can be exciting or scary as hell. Usually is a combination of both. It involves waiting. And it seems that I am at the "waiting point" in just about every area of my life. My head is a jumble of emotions right now. I'm excited, scared, sad, anxious, hopeful.

In other news, my knee withstood 25 minutes on the recumbent bike without complaint. Not exactly the 5 miles I'm used to, but it's a start.

Waiting is driving me crazy…

Still waiting for that phone call or email that tells me whether or not I'll be teaching this semester. Its sort of a weird situation – the nursing school is involved somehow and the classes don't actually exist yet. So I have no idea how this will/would happen.

I'm figuring that if I don't hear anything by 5pm today, it won't be until Monday until I know. Luckily I've taught the course before, so I've got all of the materials. I'll at least decide on potential office hours and get-to-know-you activity.

*sigh* I hate waiting…

Hopes…hopefully not to high

It appears that there may be a last-minute teaching opportunity for me. 2 sections!!! I would be really, really happy if this comes through. I might not know until MONDAY, which is the 1^st day of the semester and the 1^st day of those classes!!! Crazy. Night classes at least. And I've taught the class before, so I wouldn't be completely unprepared. Thinking about preparing now…but I don't want to jinx it. I'm trying to be optimistic about it, but not expect it to happen. Contradictory I know.

Knee is continuing to improve; it is starting to resemble a knee. Went to my office for awhile and got all of the stuff out of my mailbox. I had 6 journals waiting for me. Tearing the plastic off of them was like opening Christmas presents, lol. Yay, more to read.

I'll update later when I know more…

Timing

You know the old cliché; "timing is everything"? Well, it seems to hold true in my life. I've gotten most of what I wanted in life but not always when I wanted it. And the things I didn't get? I believe I will get them/achieve them or I'll find that they are not as important to me as I thought. I have to remember also that I have some control over this timing. Not everything is under my control, but some things are. Most things in life, I feel like I am controlling as much as I can, there are other (i.e. the dissertation) that I'm not really working toward. I want to finish so badly; to finally get out of school and get a job, to have a life…yet I'm not doing much to achieve that goal. It is funny how I can be really good at controlling what I can in some areas of my life, and so bad at others.

I'm not expecting to be totally on top of things in my life; but I would like to say that I'm trying as hard as I can.

Life is NOT going to bring me down

I've had a lot going on lately, most of it negative. I'm trying to remember that there are always options, always opportunities SOMEWHERE as long as I look hard enough. They may not be ideal or even seem possible, but I believe there are always options.

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life, more than most people know about. I've always gotten myself through those dark times in my life. And I'll get through this. These are challenging times. I'm always better as the underdog. Don't believe in me? Awesome. I'll prove you wrong. Sometimes (oftentimes) that person was me; telling me I can't do this (finish my thesis/comps/dissertation).

Unemployed? Yes I am. It sucks being uncertain of how I'm going to keep myself going financially. But I have mad KSAs (lol); I'll find something. Even if it is working for minimum wage. Not ideal, but may be necessary.

Hurt my knee? Yes I did. I'll be on crutches for a few days, maybe a week. And I won't get to run for awhile. But I'll get there. I'll be back. And luckily it doesn't look like I tore my ACL.

I'm sick of sabotaging myself, being afraid to succeed. I want to stop being afraid of failure. Being afraid of both leaves me stagnant. I want to progress, I want to graduate. I'd say that I'll stop being scared of these things, but it probably won't happen. All of the fear and uncertainty won't go away. I need to work THROUGH the fear and uncertainty.

All of this sounds like a cliché New Year's resolution, but that's how I feel right now. Sometimes I just get inspired…sometimes that the only thing I feel like I can control.

Really hoping 2009 will get better…

Just a warning: this will probably be a depressing post.

As posted previously, I have failed to secure a job for this semester. Still looking, but it is depressing to get a tuition bill in the mail and not knowing how to pay it. I think I've also mentioned my battles with getting health insurance. It seems like I have to rely on the school's plan, which isn't very good. However, it is the only insurance I can get. One small issue (or I thought it was) is that I had a 9 day gap between my previous insurance (covered until Jan 1^st) and the school's insurance (Begins Jan 9^th).

Unfortunately, I've managed to hurt myself. I went for a run last night and when I started I hear a snap. It hurt a few steps, then it snapped again and it was ok. So I ran 1.5 mile on it. Stopped to walk and found that my knee felt really swollen and out-of-place. Got back to my apartment to find that my left knee was twice its normal size. And it felt really weird – full of fluid and unstable. But I could walk on it at that point. Been icing on and off and elevating my leg. Then I couldn't walk on it, or straighten my leg completely (not even close). Woke up this morning – it is worse. Apparently I couldn't sleep it off. Also, I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store. I've got food, but not much.

All of my symptoms point to a torn ACL. I'm really hoping there is another explanation, but I can't find any other injury that explains my symptoms. I'll keep you posted when I know what it is.

I'm going to wait until tomorrow to go to the school clinic to have it looked at. I'm just a bit worried how I'm getting to the clinic. I can't walk more than a few steps. Also they'll probably want me to get x-rays (couple hundred dollars) and an MRI (a couple thousand dollars). I'm wondering if I wait until the 9^th to get the tests done that the insurance will cover it, but I doubt it. Yet another pre-existing condition. Fabulous.

Also have relationship-ish (not really a relationship, but close) issues. Not sure if it's going to work out. I'm hoping to keep it casual and fun, but that might be difficult. Haven't talked/texted since having this conversation.

Ok good things…good friends, family. I know people are here for me.

I'm trying to keep the faith that things will get better. And I've made it through worse things. I'll get through this.

Rules for gym, grad student edition

Rules to exercise by:

1. If you are wearing a sweatshirt and working out without sweating profusely, I hate you.
   
2. If you have to hold onto the railings of the treadmill, you are going too fast. Especially if you are holding on to the front railing and your feet are at the end of the treadmill.
   
3. Bulking up so much your arms no longer touch your sides is not attractive. Really.
   
4. If I'm gasping for breath, it is not the time to answer your questions, much less explain the difference between unconscious and preconsicious.
   
5. New treadmills shouldn't confuse me…and beep every time a key is pressed. This makes me feel old.
   
6. If the treadmill feels unstable and is loud when walking, don't run on it… for 20 minutes
   
7. People should NOT wear dirty gym clothes. The difference between old sweat and new sweat is noticeable. I have to go to a laundromat to wash my clothes, and I manage clean clothes for the gym. When running outside, however, feel free to reuse…as long as you are running solo.
   
8. If you decide to douse yourself in fragrance, use good cologne (men). No perfume for women. Yes, I have a double standard. I'm a sucker for men's cologne
   
9. If there are earbuds in my ears, assume I can't hear you. At the gym, they pretty much always are, so use exaggerated hand motions to get my attention
   
10. If you decide to talk on the phone while working out, be aware that 1) people will hate you, 2) people will know all of your business.
    
11. Don't drop your heavy weights on the floor. It scares the crap out of me and everyone else.
    
12. If I have underwear that covers more than your shorts (and I don't wear grannies), they are too short. Also might want to make sure there is no ass cheek exposure. Keep in mind that you'll be moving and clothing will shift.
    
13. Don't assume that I'm looking in your general direction that I'm looking at you. I have limited view from the treadmill, and I am usually watching tv.
    
14. Don't stand right behind me while I am running. I assume you are looking at my ass. I don't like that.
    
15. Do NOT, I repeat do not EVER make fun of anyone because of their size.
    
16. Wipe down the equipment. Seriously. Even if you don't think you sweat.
    
17. If you are one of my students, it is appropriate to 1) wave, 2) say hi, or 3) ignore me completely. If you are one of my former students there is option 4): you can approach and chat for a minute.
    
18. Don't make fun of how slow I'm running.
    
19. Lighten up on your landing when running on the treadmill. Be light on your feet – it is better for them anyway.
    
20. When filling up your water bottle, use the lower water fountain. Especially if there 6 people behind you.
    
21. Similar to 20, if you are using the big fountain, don't block the little fountain. A few people will drink out of it (i.e. me)
    
22. Note to vending machine people: don't let everything besides fruit punch be sold out until it is refilled. Especially the Gatorade.
    
23. When running on the indoor track, you don't have to stay in my lane so you pass me by the smallest possible margin. If I can smell the fabric softener on your clothes when the sleeve of your t-shirt touches my face, you are passing to close.
    
24. Some of us sweat profusely. We can't help it. We'll wipe up after ourselves (at least I will)
    
25. Women lift weights too. This does not mean that men should approach and "help" if not asked. Most of the time, we know what we are doing. Scram.
    

I wrote this awhile ago, but felt it especially appropriate for new year's resolutions.