So, so tired

My sleep schedule has been quite messed up lately. Like going to bed at 5:30am one night and get up at 4:30am another (not consecutive days, obviously). I've not been waking up early by choice, either. And today was no exception. It blows to get up at 5:45am while having gone to bed at 3:30am. And I didn't have to get up until 8:30-9am. I didn't really even sleep; I think with anxiety about the dissertation kept me up. Barely slept the night before either.

I've done some work already today. I think I am a good work-in-the-morning person, but not actually a morning person. This would be a fantastically wonderful thing that I've gotten stuff done already, but I'm going to be getting stuff done (or at least working on) until at least 9:30pm. That's what sucks about teaching at night and waking up early. The day is too long. Mondays aren't bad because I usually stroll in about 2 or 3pm. But Wednesdays I have an 11am meeting. Not so early really, but I usually will get there at 10am to prep and don't leave until at least 10pm, after I've taught and organized my things for the next day. So 12hrs of work in store for me. On no sleep. This should be fun.

Been trying to quell the anxiety I have about the dissertation. When I look at how well I've been sticking to my schedule the last couple of days, and making progress every day, I feel like I'm doing well. I just don't feel that I have that much to show for it. So on my terms, my evaluation, I'm doing quite well making progress, however slow. Slow is better than none, right? I still feel like a slacker during meetings though. It's not usually that I haven't worked on stuff, but that I don't really have much to explain. I often feel like the meetings are fairly unnecessary if all I'm going to say is that I've been reading, thinking and writing the lit review. I don't really have many questions to ask at this point that I shouldn't be able to figure out by reading more. And makes me kinda pissed to go in early just to say that. If I had to be there that early already, I wouldn't mind. But this gets me to school about 4 hours before I usually would.

I need to focus on the things that I am doing right, however slowly. I don't like meetings because I don't feel like I have much to show for the work I've done. It makes me feel a little ashamed. It's weird that I actually feel good about my dissertation in relation to my plans and goals. I feel that more is expected of me than that. I'd really like to stick to my own expectations right now, until I gain some confidence in my work and abilities.