I've had a couple of instances in the last couple of days for which inspired this post. The first was a chat with a friend. The second was an email I received from a student. In both cases, while I didn't LIKE what they wrote, the sentiment itself didn't piss me off. What pissed me off was how it was worded. "You can't leave it be, can you?" [something to that effect…definitely including the 'can you?" which I find offensive] in reference to a situation in which I hadn't fully described. Immediately, I became defensive. I was also quite upset before this whole thing started. I was just looking for someone to listen/read since I had had quite a bad day. While I don't believe what he meant was malicious, it came across as a scolding, a lecture. Not what I wanted to read at 3am. Thus, I got pissed and signed off, saying I was going to bed (wasn't really).
The email I received was very accusatory, stating that I was very unfair. Note the *I*. In my many years of grad school, I learned that feedback is best given at the task level (Kluger & DeNisi, 1996). Thus, a better way of getting the message across without making me defensive would be, "I feel that [whatever the student thinks is unfair. i.e. how the homework is graded] is unfair. Not referring to me, my personal characteristics, but to my actions. Big difference. I spent several hours this evening really pissed off about it.
Using email/chat to convey emotions is tricky. While something may not be meant as malicious may come across that way. It is based on how the reader interprets it, which can be partially influenced by current mood. I overreacted to both, no doubt about it. However, people should be conscious about how they come across to others, particularly through written communication. I'm sure I'm guilty of this as well; perhaps coming across a little blunt. I'm terrible at ending emails, so I often sign off without any sort of closing. I need to work on that. And stop overreacting.
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