Soooo...

It's been a long time. Perhaps i'll be better at blogging if I do it from my phone. Or maybe it will be full of bad autocorrects. In any case, I'm going to write more often. Possibly abt grad, but more likely random stuff i find to be funny.

More later...

Going to the library, but only for coffee

I remember doing my undergraduate honors thesis. It was the 2001/2002 school year. I remember the hours I spent in the library - searching the stacks, finding the journal, finding the volume of the journal I needed, looking up the page number, and copying away. I spent so much time and money in the library getting all of those articles. And carrying all of them around with me? Insane. I remember those days that I dedicated a whole Sunday to copying articles. And refilling my OneCard...over and over and over. It was better than trying to find change, however.

Today, getting articles is much easier (and cheaper). I don't even have to go to school to do it. I can link my computer remotely to OhioLink, and download PDF versions of the articles. I also sprung for the full version of Adobe (yay for student discounts!) and can even annotate and highlight the articles right on my computer. I can print them out if i wish (of course) and can even use the printer in the computer lab in the department for free (if i feel like going there, of course). I can have all of the articles I need with me on the computer at all times. I've barely stepped foot in the library at school in all of the years that I've gone there. I've rarely needed to. As an undergrad, I practically lived there. I've spent more time buying coffee at the coffee shop there than getting articles.

As much as I complain about my dissertation, I realize technology has made the process MUCH easier. I can have the article I need in seconds. SECONDS. I often forget how much time, effort and money it took to procure those articles as an undergrad. I can't imagine doing a dissertation that way. I have HUNDREDS of articles for my dissertation (and yes, I've read most of them). I can't imagine doing this process for every article I needed: copy page --> flip journal --> copy page --> turn page --> copy --> flip journal...repeat to infinity.

Ah, it is important to remember that we have it easy.

Writer's guilt: Dissertation edition

Somehow I forgot (at least I think i forgot to write) to write about getting a draft of Chapter II to my advisor. That was last Friday. I'm still waiting to hear back and I am anxious to get started on it. It is odd that I have this strange desire to tackle it head on. I may feel differently after I see the comments, however :-/

I've been reading up as much as I can about policy-capturing and how to analyze policy capturing. I'd tell y'all what it is, but I can't seem to explain it in a way where non-stats people would understand (not that you'd be interested anyway). Hell, I barely understand it. I understand the basic process, but applying it to my study I'm finding really difficult. And analysis - sheesh! There are several ways to analyze the data (once I collect it) but I'm not well-versed in any of them.

I've had 7 graduate statistics classes, yet I don't know how to do this. Awesome, I had to pick a study in which I'm unfamiliar with the methodology. So this has turned the section that is usually easiest to write for me into the hardest. Chapter III is kicking my ass. My way of dealing with this is reading every article and book chapter that has the slightest reference to policy-capturing and the analysis of policy-capturing data. I am doing work, but I have what I call "writer's guilt"

Writer's guilt as how it pertains to the dissertation is the immense amount of guilt that you feel when your dissertation itself - the document - is not being improved or written in for a few days while you figure out how the hell you are going to explain this crap. Even though I am actively working on my dissertation and reading my butt off, I still don't feel like it is real progress because it is not on paper yet. Also, I've been reading things that are only tangentially related to what I'm doing. This very well might be a waste of time, but I've read (and re-read) all of the major articles that deal with policy-capturing in the I/O literature. I've also read a few that are of different disciplines.

So the name of the game is reading, reading and more reading, all whilst feeling incredibly guilty that I'm not producing anything that can be turned in at this point. I *could* take a picture of all of the articles I've read lately, but that would take up a lot of data on an email attachment.

I know I need to give up the writer's guilt and really feel like I'm being productive even though there is no output to show for it. I need to believe that reading is really making progress. I'm certainly spending enough time doing it.

Feeling ok about my dissertation for once

Well, after my last couple post about being discouraged on my dissertation, I am happy to report that I am not so discouraged at the moment. I managed to get another draft of Chapter 1 to my advisor as well as the goals for the semester. He said it looked good and that my goals are doable :-)

Good feedback is always welcome.

My next goal is to get a revision of Chapter 2 to him by next Friday. Chapter 2 is a hot mess, so my goal is to make it less of a hot mess. Not going for perfection here, just improvement. Ok, major improvement. But it is not going to be perfect and I am (mostly) ok with that. Perfectionism is not good for productivity - at least in my case. I feel odd about just doing "well enough", but in actuality, this paper is going to revised so much it is going to be unrecognizable from the first draft when it is all said and done. I can work on polishing it in later drafts.

It is going to be a busy week, that is for sure, but if I can get done what I've set out to do (and I think I can) it will motivate me that much more to tackle Chapter 3 (which is even more a hot mess than Chapter 2).

A plan and a little hope.

I’ve still been discouraged and disappointed in myself. I'm really trying to drown out the naysayers (me) and get on with it. Actually, I can use my dissertation to distract myself from some of the not-so-positive things going on in life. Not sure if that will ultimately be effective, but it is worth a shot. Any mind trick that I can use to get myself to work more on my dissertation is a good thing.

I need to come up with some specific deadlines. I think that the end of this week I should have a revised chapter 1, and perhaps the middle of next week I should have a revised version of chapter 2. I do feel that chapter 3 is the most important piece of the puzzle, and I can continue to work on that, but I see the other chapters as more doable. Perhaps I could even have the next draft of Chapter 1 done today. I only have some (seemingly) minor edits to make.

I'm so not the optimistic cheerleader type, but I'm trying to to pump myself up about this! I have an opportunity to get things done, to make a great accomplishment and contribute a paper that is mine and mine alone. I can do this! Just a little bit (or a little bit more) every day will help my dreams become a reality. I need to do this.

Discouraged

I'd had some really good days last week on the dissertation. Not always getting as much done as I would have wanted, but still making progress (however small). Today, I'm having a really tough time getting going (which happens and I try to push through it). However, I'm feeling completely discouraged about the whole thing. I'm highly disappointed at where I am in the dissertation process. I haven't even proposed it yet, and it has been years since I passed my comprehensive exams. I've been spinning my wheels for years and cannot shake the guilt from that. I'm finding it really difficult to believe that it will ever get done.

I've got this summer to get the proposal in tip-top shape and ready to propose. Some days, it doesn't sound so daunting. Other days, it seems like climbing Mt Everest would be easier. Today is a Mt Everest day. The whole thing is a major disaster, but what is most bothering me is the progress I should have made in the past few years. I know I need to let that go. I need to let it go to be effective, to stop it from dragging me down. Lately, every time I work on it, I have a tremendous amount of guilt from all of the things I haven't done...and all of the things my classmates have done. I am happy for them - but many of them have started years after me, and I am ashamed of my own lack of progress.

If I don't make enough progress this summer, it might be the end of the road for me. That has motivated me at times, specifically last week. Today it is weighing me down. I need to remember that I finished my thesis and passed comps and I wasn't especially confident I would be successful at either. Neither accomplishment was pretty, but I finished it. This dissertation process is not ugly, grotesque even, but I'm hoping to finish it. I just need to find my mojo and some self-efficacy. Anyone have any to spare?

The first post of May!

I apologize for being a little (or a lot) lax on posting. Just not much was going on yet I was somewhat busy.

Well I woke up far to early (for me anyhow) at 5:30 am and had this bright idea to work on the dissertation. I figured that it *is* the first day of work study and thus I should begin working. I just presumed that I would start working a little later, but whatever.

Anyhow, I started my day using http://www.750words.com. I've been using it for awhile, 10 days or so, and it is a good way to get started writing (i.e. mind dump). It can be anything you want it to be - the goal is to write 750 words every day. I've found it surprisingly easy and definitely gets me in the writing mood. It definitely helped today, I went right from there into my dissertation. And I spent a good 3 hours working. Not just 3 hours. A GOOD 3 hours. A productive 3 hours. Any dissertation writer knows that you can spend many hours working on a dissertation, yet not get much accomplished. This was a good day!

Hoping more good days to follow! I might start waking up a bit earlier just to get going. It seemed easier just starting off the day like that - right from bed, no breakfast, still in pjs, just writing. Perhaps I could become a morning person?

Motivation: shame and excitement

I just got back from a conference yesterday (was actually supposed to be Sunday, but I'll get into that later). It was great to see old friends, make new friends, and learn a few things. But the biggest thing I got out of the conference in motivation to finish my dissertation.

There were people that were attempting to motivate me say the usual, "You're almost done", "Just get it done!", "When will you be done" and "Wait, you aren't finished yet?" Let's just say shame is not the best motivator for me and I had a hard time constantly dealing with these questions/comments. My answers? "Yes", "I will", "When it is done", and "Not quite. So I have have a request (for me and others): Please, please, please stop asking when my dissertation will be done!!!!!! Seriously, the entire planet will know when I've finished!

While the former tactics caused embarrassment and shame rather the motivation, there was an aspect to the conference that did motivate me. Namely, the prospect of getting a job. While I've always known that I'd be working after i finished, this particular conference (since so many friends were interviewing) really hit home with me. I want a job! I need to finish my dissertation to get a job! So, lets get going!

I did not do the job placement myself, mostly due to not being in a great place with my dissertation to pursue a full-time big girl job. Once my data is collected however, that will be an appropriate time to start really looking for employment.

Switching topics a bit, I mentioned earlier in the post that I was supposed to get home on Sunday instead of yesterday. The flight I scheduled to be on was oversold. Vouchers for future travel were being offered, first $100, then $150. I volunteered, but I've done so before and never got a chance to be bumped.

I did in fact get chosen. I figured that I'd be on the next flight, which left at 6pm (my original flight left at 4pm). Turns out the next flight that had room was at 6am yesterday. And they'd put me up in a hotel (the Hilton at the airport - very nice!), give me some food vouchers, and a voucher for $200 of my next Continental flight. Score!!!!! Sometimes being ABD and having no set schedule does pay off. So I got home yesterday morning with plans for another trip :-)

So I'm off to work on my dissertation - I have a feeling I'll be making a lot of progress :-)

The aftermath of a few days away...

Sooo, I just got back from Tampa - I was visiting my wonderful SO. I had a good time, forgot about my responsibilities for 8 days. Then I came home. Everything that I'd left was waiting for me (of course).

I had planned on working on a presentation and my dissertation while I was gone. My SO was gone all day for work, so surely I could have cranked out a few hours of work. Welllll, I found other things more interesting, like Busch Gardens, the Dali Museum, local cuisine, and being lazy. So the 8 day came and went, with no progress on anything, except for seeing some sites and spending some quality time with my SO for the 1st time in 6 weeks.

At this time, I'm trying to catch up. I've got a presentation to give on Tuesday unrelated to my dissertation. And of course, the dissertation itself. But I'll be leaving again on Thursday for a conference. Granted, I'll probably be able to get in some presentation/posters that are related to my dissertation (hopefully none TOO related), but I know most of the time will be spent "networking". Which includes actual networking, but also a lot of catching up with old friends, drinking, and eating plenty of deep-dish pizza.

Time to get back to work - I need to get some more stuff done before my butt goes numb from sitting in this stupid chair from my dining room table. You'd think I would have invested in a proper office chair long ago; but no, my massive amount of education has made no impact on me procuring necessary office equipment for a suitable place to write.

Disappointment

How much does it suck to be for someone to be disappointed in you? Especially if you are already disappointed with yourself?

I've not been happy they way things have been going with my life and my dissertation. I am in an enormous amount of debt, and that will not be changing anytime soon. I long for the days in which I can start to make a dent in this avalanche of money that I owe.

My financial situation worsened this year, not having a job and all of the medical bill that needed to be paid. It is really hard to not be able to find a job and living on borrowed money. I will pay it back and I can't wait to pay it back. I don't want to owe anyone, credit card companies and student loan included. I want to work and pay my bills. I want to get to that point that I can actually save money (wow, what a concept!) and not feel so overwhelmed about my debt.

As for my dissertation, I could be doing better. I know that. I'm trying, but not as hard as I could be. I stare at my computer screen for hours, not making much progress. I avoid it by cleaning everything in sight. I know this.

Yet, all of this was pointed out to me (in an accusing manner) - the length of time I've spent in grad school, the snails-pace progress of the dissertation, and the mountain of debt I am in. It was done in a very accusing way, as if i was spending my money on clothing and shoes. I don't remember the last time I bought an article of clothing. Not even sure it was in the past year. I am paying to maintain my health, to eat, to pay my bills. I do not go out - for drinks, for dinner, really anywhere that requires money. It really, really disappointed me that this person (who I respect, admire, and love very much) would want to make me feel worse. This person knows that all of these things are on my mind and bother me very much. I don't know why he felt the need to remind me of what I already know. None of this motivates me. He knows this.

While this might be something "that parents do" it hurt me deeply. Especially since I could hear the disappointment in his voice for me, and the contempt of my situation. If I had a carefree attitude about my situations, this discussion may have been warranted. But I do not. I think about these things every single day, without exception. My parents have always said that I punish myself more than anyone else every could. And it is true. Why could he just have let me punish myself? I've been told by others that I'm doing an exemplary job of that.

To be fair, there is a lack of understanding on his part; he's not been through this process. It is hard to convince him that it's just not a paper I can sit down and write then be done with, graduate and get a job. There are so many more steps and components that I attempt to explain time after time, but they don't appear to sink in.

I'm going to try to put this aside for the day - my purpose in this post was to vent a little, get it out of my mind and putting my thoughts in writing.

Going the distance: Part II

So the last post detailed my meltdown :-P I've been feeling better since, especially since I'll probably get to visit in a couple of weeks :-)

There are a couple of reason as to why this separation has been more difficult than usual:

1) We have never lived near each other. Well, except for high school - when we weren't dating.

2) We're getting older (over 30) and it feels like there is so much that needs to be done (school, job, etc) before we can be together and settle down. There is so much that needs to be done and figured out. I don't know where I'll have a job and if he'll be in a position where he'll want to leave his job.

3) Although I'm happy for those who have their SOs close by/live with them/are married to them, it makes me insanely jealous. There, I said it. If you live with/near your SO, be grateful.

I know everything will be done on our own time, yet I still want him to be here with me. We're used to being apart for 2-3 weeks at a time and when I was in Germany last year it was 6 weeks. We made it, but we both had difficulty with it at times.

It isn't that bad most of the time. We do get used to spending time apart - if we didn't, we couldn't do this. A month at a time isn't terrible. Thinking about how much longer we'll be apart is much more difficult.

Long distance relationships can work if the desire and effort is there - we are proof of that.

We're going the distance.

So it seems to be that 3 weeks is about the time I can be away from the boyfriend before i start going crazy. Today I was a crying mess - I simply could not fathom being apart for so long. Not talking about Tampa, but we're likely to be in a long-distance relationship for another year +. When he gets back, he'll still be 3 1/2 hrs away. That's rather depressing.

However, I'm trying to remember that I'll see him in a couple of weeks. And that I'm feeling worse about the distance than I normally would because I'm not feeling great, eating well or sleeping well.

I'm going to try to take it (and everything else) a day at a time. Ultimately, we are very lucky to have each other even if we can't spend as much time together as we'd like.

Hommage an deutschen Kaffee

I used to abstain from caffeine. It made me feel awful after 30 minutes - 4 hrs after I drank it. One cup of coffee would be enough to get me feeling like I had drank a 40 of espresso. But something has changed....and it's incredible. I have a new appreciation for this drug. A huge appreciation.

No longer cranky in the morning (ok, less cranky) I function at a decent speed and strangely enough, I sleep better. I still get caffeine crashes, but no longer feel like I have the flu when I'm crashing. I get tired, a little nauseous, sometimes a little shaky. All worth the productivity caffeine gives me. The cost-benefit scale has tipped the way of "benefit"

The coffee drinking began in earnest while I was in Germany. Due to the jet-lag and the 6 hour time difference, it was an absolute necessity to have some caffeine. Not being a morning person to begin with, getting to work at 9am felt like 3am. Ridiculousness. My coworkers used to smile when they saw me shuffle in, barely managing a "Guten Morgen". I went to the coffee machine straight away - I didn't even remove my hat, gloves, scarf or coat before I got my fix.

And the coffee maker? Twas a thing of beauty. It ground whole beans, brewed with filtered water and sported a dial to choose the strength you wanted - from espresso to the strength of regular coffee. Choose the amount you wanted and you could make a perfect cup. It was almost creamy, that's how high quality the coffee was. Nothing I've had since can compare to that coffee. Nothing. In the afternoon, we'd often make latte macchiatos; steaming milk to perfection, then adding the espresso on top (latte macchiato means "marked milk" - that's why the espresso was added 2nd). Absolute heaven.

On the last day, I whispered "Auf Wiedersehen" as I brewed my final cup.

Today, I sit sipping the product of my Mr. Coffee. It seems like a different beverage entirely. But it'll do...for today.

Call me Miss Crankypants

So cranky today. Even after caffeine. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't really feel like talking to anyone and I'm in just enough pain to be annoying. Note that I wrote annoying and not excruciating :-)

I've had some pain at night the last couple of nights and I took some pain medication even though I hate to do it and it wasn't too bad. I just get afraid that it will get out of control like a few weeks ago. I won't take anything today - I seem to do better during the day than at night. I worry about needing the medication often and being addicted to it, although I only take it once or twice a week at most. I've gone several weeks at a time without taking any. Not that I didn't have pain in those few weeks, but I did not allow myself to take any medication.

As for the dissertation, I had a really good day working on Sunday - as I usually do because I dissertate with a friend whilst drinking overpriced coffee. Not too much done on Monday, but it was something. Yesterday - nada. I'm at the point where I need to work on Chapter III, which has me rather stumped. I'm not so familiar with the research design and I'm having trouble adapting it to my study. I know I can ask questions, but I'm not even to the point where I know what to ask. I really need to immerse myself in the policy capturing literature - specifically studies that use it, as well as some of the how-to articles.

The research design and analysis is my stumbling block. I'm confused and not enjoying it. But I know everything will make more sense and things will start falling into place. Trying to focus on that....

Rough night/day

Yesterday, I had a fantastic day! Seriously, I love getting positive feedback, especially from someone I respect so much.

Last night was not so good. I went to bed and my stomach was kind of uncomfortable. Not painful exactly, but felt like things were not quite in the right place. It also was a little swollen. No biggie, I thought. It happens, I fall asleep, and it is usually better in the morning. Not last night.

Discomfort quickly progressed to pain. Severe pain. Shaking and sweating, I could barely get out of the fetal position to walk down the hall to take some pain medication. I took one and waited for it to kick in. An hour later, it was clear that it wasn't doing anything. So I took another...nothing. It took 4 hours to have any pain reduction at all. I went from a 9 (out of a 10 point scale) to about a 6. 6 isn't pleasant, but I can deal with a 6.

It was pretty scary - I've never had this medication not work for me. Ever. I'm terrified to eat anything today, so I'm going to stick to chicken broth, water, and possibly some yogurt if i feel I can handle it. I can't do 2 days in a row with that kind of pain.

In addition, to having a crappy night, I'm having a rather crappy day as well. I found out why my credit card company will start charging me an annual fee. Checked my credit report and scores ($29.95) and found that I had a past-due bill from last year for a radiologist. It had been sent to collections. I had gotten a notice last summer, but the charity application from the hospital was still processing, so I figured that it was covered through that. If I did have to pay, the collector would surely be on my ass, right? WRONG. I never got another notice. Did the collection agents for this company get trained? Isn't the first rule of being a collection agent to harass the hell out of people who owe money? Seriously, WTF?

Due to the collection notice on my account, my credit score dropped 125 points, from excellent to fair. In addition, I found out that I cannot get it removed from my credit report even though I'm going to pay it - it will be on there for 7 years. I have never made a late payment to ANYONE in since I established credit 12 years ago. Not one late payment. NOT ONE. And this one thing screws me over. Dammit.

Hoping the day will get better. I have managed to work on my dissertation thus far today. But I'm going back to bed if one more thing goes wrong today. Seriously.

It looks great!

I met with a friend at Panera today. I got quite a bit done today, mostly editing sentences in Chapter II. Feeling pretty good about it; getting the wording right will really help. Next step is to organize paragraphs and fill in missing information. Feeling pretty good about it.

Got an email back from my advisor that stated that Chapter I looks great!!! That makes me so happy!!! I felt that it was good and I’m thrilled to get some positive feedback. And the turnaround time? Overnight on a weekend? Amazing.

One of my challenges for Chapter II is possibly changing a variable. It would seem to make sense to do it, but i dread completely changing the whole section. But if it needs to be done, it will be done

Overall, it has been a great day! More to come :-)

Better late than never

So those plans I made to get my taxes and Chapter I done? Yeah, they got messed up.

Lost passwords + getting sick/pain + sheer laziness = tasks left undone.

The taxes got finished the following day. Chapter I revisions finally got finished today! I actually went to my office! I haven't been to my office in a looooonnnnnggggg time. My mailbox was stuffed with journals and flyers for events that had already occurred.

Chapter I revisions were quick and painless. It took me MUCH less time than I anticipated and was in better shape than I remembered it to be. I finished the final edit, then scanned the document again. and again. I was done! Wait, what? How did that happen?!

As for the day's to-do list, I am on pace to complete it! It also helps that I finally made a realistic list. I'm feeling rather odd, however. I'm not used to achieving what I set out to do.

Onto Chapter II and III!

The to-do list

Today, like many days, comes with a long to-do list. I seldom get through my to-do list for the day. I pretty much design it that way. Everything that I possibly need to do in one day, I put on the list. I'm not particularly bothered if I don't complete the list; I don't expect to.

But today I've got a long list as usual, but it comes with some big items. If I get these done today, it will really be a weight off of my back. The big ones are taxes, financial aid, and completing another draft of Chapter 1 of my dissertation. All are urgent and I am sick of worrying about them.

So taxes are up first. Even though I only made a meager amount on unemployment last year that I technically don't even have to report, I feel like it is a good idea to have a record of my (lack of income). So I'm filing anyway. It shouldn't take long, but I can't remember the password to the tax program that I use. So I'm waiting on them to email me the password. It has been over 45 minutes and I'm getting impatient. I procrastinate, but when I want to do something, I want to do it NOW. Geez.

Chapter 1 is honestly close to completion. I'd really prefer to send over another draft of the whole proposal, but I can't do that right now. Plus it is probably much easier to edit one chapter at a time. So I'm just going to focus on Chapter 1 and then worry about 2 & 3 another day (soon!).

So I'm off to do a whole bunch of stuff I dread doing, but I'll feel a whole lot better once they are done. I'll update later.

Dear mini legal notepad;

How I love thee. I buy you in bulk. I've got 12 of you, brand new, untouched. However, I cannot find any in which I've already began a relationship. So I pull another out of the package to write a to-do list on your first unblemished yellow page. A new relationship has begun, however I'm not sure it will last.

I have you EVERYWHERE. Just like hair elastics and lip balms, your population is large yet elusive; I can never find you when a grocery list needs to be written, a phone number needs to be jotted down, or a random idea pops into my head. In my time of need, I must stray. My needs are not being met. But rest assured, I rarely reach for a spiral notebook or a post-it note. My heart is is with you. You are just my type.

Levels of Cleanliness; a confession

As a grad student (or any person, for that matter) your current residence often becomes untidy. I propose a new system for assessing cleanliness (or dirtiness if it suits you) of your apartment/condo/home.

Level 7: Hoarder

Level 6: State of Emergency

Level 5: Major Disaster

Level 4: Pigsty

Level 3: Messy

Level 2: Clean but disorganized

Level 1: Slightly cluttered

Level 0: Immaculate

Level 0 is like self-actualization; few people ever get there. They are called neat freaks. Some likelihood of OCD. Level 7 people definitely have OCD and need help.

I would venture to guess that a majority of people oscillate between Level 3 and Level 1, with the occasional Level 4 crisis.

My apartment typically ranges from Level 2 to Level 4, by my own assessment, usually Level 2 or Level 3. The best I can seem to accomplish is Level 1 and even then i have boxes of random items shoved in my closet/under my bed/in various drawers. I never seem to have "a place for everything and everything in it's place". My windows are usually dirty (but isn't that what curtains are for?), there are often unorganized stacks of papers on the floor/desk/counter/dining room table, and I rarely clean the tray under my toaster oven. I have never cleaned my oven (although to be fair it has rarely been used). There are still pictures leaning against the wall that I've never bothered to put up.

*This post is brought to you by coffee, procrastination, and the numbers 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7

::cue Sesame Street theme song::

Yesterday was a success. Today, not so much

I had lunch/tea with a friend yesterday and worked on the dissertation. I worked on the dissertation more than I had in weeks. I might have my chapter I revised enough to send back to my advisor this week. It was definitely a productive day, mixed with socialization. Yay!

***Possible TMI***

Today I had a Dr's appointment. Like the gastroenterologist said he says i have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). IBS is often a catch-all for everything that is not Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis. It's not really a diagnosis; just a list of symptoms, some which contradict each other. What concerns me most is I still have days where i'm in pain (like today). More pain than what I'd expect IBS to produce. It just seems like it is more than that. Is IBS really that painful? Should I need pain meds for time to time? Should I have to keep to liquids/really soft foods twice a week to lessen pain? Could there be a way to lessen pain that doesn't require pain medication or large diet restriction? The doc shrugged his shoulders and told me I have to find what works for me. Really? I already know that I can't eat most veggies (although fiber is supposed to improve IBS).

I know I really shouldn't complain; I don't have Crohn's or UC, or any other serious disease that i know of. But it is really frustrating.

In addition to that, the stupid snow/ice storm will not permit me to visit the boyfriend this week. He is likely leaving at the end of this week. Thus, I may not see him for 4 months. And won't be able to see him for our "official" anniversary either. Or Valentine's day. Or my birthday.

At least the first part of this post was positive.

5 minutes at a time

That's how I'm going to operate today. I'm not feeling so great today, but I shouldn't lie on the couch all day.

So I'm going to work on everything I need to do for 5 minutes at a time. I did 5 minutes worth of dishes. Not even halfway through, but I have more clean dishes than I did before. I figure I can manage to do 5 minutes of just about anything.

The only thing that I'm working on for more than 5 minutes at a time is reading. Currently, I'm reading Pride and Prejudice as well as a book on meditation. While meditation has not really appealed to me, I really could use some centering. In essence I could deal with my life better and not be so anxious. I figure it is worth a try. So far the book is pretty good - not religion based or too new-agey.

I should really give a few minutes of my dissertation a try as well. I've got a dissertation date scheduled on Friday with a fellow dissertater. Socialization and productivity in one!

Should get back to being slightly productive.

ok, ok, stay calm

In my last post, I mentioned that my boyfriend may be going to Tampa. However, last week he put his 2 weeks in and decided he was not going to go. He'd do whatever he needed to do job-wise. They offered him a teensy bit more money. He said no. He visited this weekend and it was lovely. Nothing special, just spent time together and relaxed. I appreciate that so much - just things that people that don't have distance between them do all of the time and often don't think much of it. Even though he was here only a 27 hrs (yes, i count), it was 27 hrs of quality time.

So today he goes into work and the owner offers him a significant raise. It is still crappy pay, but in this economy money is money. So he's going. And I'm freaking out.

I actually figured he'd get another counter offer. He pretty much runs the show and no one knows how to do his job. They'd be completely lost without him. So it was not a giant surprise to me. But it still makes me very sad.

We'd be going from a 225 mile gap between us to over 1,000. While I guess we are used to distance, it is not like I'd just be able to go visit every other weekend. Or every 3rd weekend. Or every 6 weeks. I'm not sure I'd be able to visit at all.

I'm just overwhelmed and miss him terribly already. The idea of being even further apart for the next 4 months is hard. Although it is temporary. I need to remember it is only temporary. Then we will probably resume our 225 mile long-distance relationship. Distance sucks. A lot.

Distance

Distance is difficult when in a relationship. Especially if it is prolonged and the distance is great.

We've been apart since our relationship started. Ranging from a 11 hr flight to a 3 1/2 hr drive, it's been challenging at times. It has been hard to him to visit me as of late and I can't always make the drive to see him.

We may be facing 4 months of being apart. He may have to go to Tampa for his job. He's been frantically searching for a job but not having a lot of luck.

I've been getting frustrated with being 3 1/2 hrs apart. The drive gets boring and it gets difficult when I'm doing most of the driving. It's especially hard when I was sick.

It is worth it. We are worth it. We just might have to be a little (ok very) patient.

Reading for entertainment. In grad school. Really.

I used to think that reading books for fun was a ridiculous thing to do in grad school. After all, there is so many articles to read already, I couldn't fathom more reading being a way to enjoy myself. And of course, who has the time?

When I was younger, I was a voracious reader. I would go to the library and check out 25 books at at time, and would return them in 2 weeks after I'd read them all. Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley Twins/High, books by Lurlene McDaniel, Little Women, the Anne of Green Gables series, and a Wrinkle in Time were some of my favorites. Oh, and R. L. Stine books too.

I would read while I was eating breakfast. I would read during study hall. I would read during silent reading (duh). I read while I had friends over (ok, poor social skills at work). In short, I loved having my nose in a book!

After I started college, reading books for pleasure took a backseat. Then even moreso in grad school. After my 2nd year in grad school, I couldn't remember the last time I'd picked up a book that was not related to schoolwork.

So I started reading again. And staying up late to finish books (oops!). I think one reason why I'm hesitant to read more often is because I get so wrapped up in the book, I can't put it down (Harry Potter, anyone?)

The first year I resolved to read more books, I read 24. The next year I read 22 books. After that it went downhill; In 2009, I only read 2 books the whole year. I was up to 11 last year, but hadn't read anything after June.

If you're wondering how I can come up with these numbers off the top of my head - I don't. I've got a very detailed book spreadsheet that details the books I've read, when I read them, books I own but haven't read, books I'm in the process of reading (and the percentage of the book I have finished), as well as goals for the year. I love being able to enter books in that spreadsheet.

Ebooks have become my new obsession. Any book written before 1900 is available through the Gutenberg project. Most are compatible with the kindle software for PC, which I have on my computer. You can download those directly from the Gutenberg project website or from Amazon.com for no cost. In addition, the local library also has ebooks that you can check out for up to 14 days. The titles are limited, but I read Michael J. Fox's latest book, Looking up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist using Adobe Digital Reader, which can be downloaded from the APL website or from adobe.com. I highly recommend the book as well.

So far this year, I've read 5. My goal for the year is 30. Doing really well on that goal so far. But besides its entertainment value (and bragging rights), does reading for fun have any other benefits?

Yes, it does. I find that when I read more books for pleasure, I'm likely to read more journal articles and am able to read and comprehend them faster. Also not having the tv on saves electricity :-)

Oh, and where do I find the time? I don't really watch much tv. I used to keep it on and mindlessly watch stupid shows, but what is the point? In 2 hours, I can have half a book read (assuming that I'm not reading War and Peace or something dense and cumbersome).

Currently reading The Partner by John Grisham. Think I'll get back to that...

The more you write, the more you'll want to write

And I'm guilty for not writing much in the last couple of months. One of the books I'm reading about writing a dissertation gives the advice that if you feel stuck, write something. And not necessarily on the dissertation. It can be brainstorming, journaling, even fiction. The point is to keep writing so it becomes a habit.

I find this a very good piece of advice. When I don't write, I don't feel like writing. When getting back into it, it can be hard to compose complete sentences or even just ideas. But getting going is the hardest part. And even writing a piece of fiction or ranting about my day can improve my writing skills.

So that is the goal. Write something every day.

Don't you dare call me an optimist.

I'm not an optimist. Never have been, never will be.

I'd prefer to describe myself as a realist, but in all honesty I'm more of a pessimist. I can't help but think of everything that is/might go wrong and somehow become convinced that everything will go wrong. However, some of those things are under my control. Some things aren't.

For the things that aren't, I've been trying to look at the situation from a different perspective. Reframing, if you will. I try to think how it isn't that bad compared to something else. For example, I recently had to replace the starter on my car. It cost me nearly $400. That sucks, no doubt. But I do have an 11 year old car that I'm not making payments on. And the insurance on it is dirt cheap. If i were making payments on it, that might be about a month and a half of payments. Really not that bad. I'd be paying much more if I had a newer car. This car suits me just fine.

For the things I can control (such as my dissertation) I'm trying to realize that I have control over my own destiny. I can make things a good experience or a bad one. I can choose to feel good or bad about situations.

So I guess I am starting to look at the bright side. Trying to, at least. But don't call me an optimist.

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Ended up riding the bus a couple of times this past weekend due to the starter on my car going bad. I didn't really mind it too much. However, the city bus system definitely has some drawbacks.

1. The schedules are crap. Even on the main route, it can be 40 minutes between buses during the day. I can't imagine if i depended on the bus to get to work (if I had a job).

2. Very few shelters. Taking the bus in the dead of winter is ridiculous when it is 10 degrees out and you are standing unprotected on the side of the road for any length of time. Especially if it is 40 minutes to an hr before the next bus. Hell, I'd walk home.

3. Routes are terrible. There are many places in the city that aren't really accessible by bus. Especially if you have to go to the suburbs. Heck, the bus I'd take doesn't even go the university. I'd have to walk more than a mile to get to the department. Not horrible good weather, but with unshoveled sidewalks and terribly cold weather + a 15lb computer bag = not ideal.

However there are a few good things about taking the bus:

1. Interesting people. Some people might see this as a drawback. Admittedly there are usually a few people on the bus that are rather eccentric. However, some interesting conversations are often overheard.

2. It reminds me of Germany a little. Granted, the buses aren't as nice, the schedules and routes aren't as good, but I like the idea of public transportation. I like zoning out on the bus and not worrying about driving in the snow.

There are some people that wouldn't dream of taking the bus here. A few people asked my why didn't I ask for a ride? Personally, I don't mind the bus too much, and I'd prefer to rely on myself to get somewhere.

Some people say it is too dangerous (maybe some routes), dirty (really not too bad), or that they are "too good" to take the bus. That somehow they are better than the bus riders. Really? No person is better than another. Sure, some people have more education, a better job, nicer clothes, etc. But that doesn't mean that those people have more value than another. I can't stand the snobbery that some people have.

I like having my car and will continue to drive it. But I do like the option of taking public transportation even if it is a pain in the ass.

more dissertation anxiety

Well, the title says it all. I've been so disconnected from my dissertation that I am afraid of it. Seriously. I'm so intimidated by just opening the document that I don't. It is silly, I know. I WANT to get this done. I WANT to graduate. I don't want to continue to feel like a schmuck because I'm not making progress. This paper will not get done by itself.

And it isn't even that horrible. It's not like I'm starting from scratch. I've got to make some (major) revisions to my proposal, but I'd gotten a good start on it...a while ago. I can't even think of when I last worked on it. Granted, I was really sick and in a lot of pain until about the 2nd week of December. However, that was a month ago.

Healthwise, I'm starting to have more pain lately, but I don't really know what is going on. I never got a diagnosis and in an ideal world would get more tests done. BUT - I can't afford any more. I can't have one more payment plan. So the plan is to wait it out, revert to very soft foods/liquids when I'm in a significant amount of pain. If I am unable to function, then I will relent to more testing. But for now, no more.

I'm going to start realllly slow on the diss. I have to. I freak out too much about everything that needs to do and how much of a mess it is. Seriously, If i work on it 5 minutes today it would be better than not working on it at all. Once I get back into it, I'll naturally work on it more.

Going to start the countdown again. I'm going to do this. A little bit every day.