more dissertation anxiety

Well, the title says it all. I've been so disconnected from my dissertation that I am afraid of it. Seriously. I'm so intimidated by just opening the document that I don't. It is silly, I know. I WANT to get this done. I WANT to graduate. I don't want to continue to feel like a schmuck because I'm not making progress. This paper will not get done by itself.

And it isn't even that horrible. It's not like I'm starting from scratch. I've got to make some (major) revisions to my proposal, but I'd gotten a good start on it...a while ago. I can't even think of when I last worked on it. Granted, I was really sick and in a lot of pain until about the 2nd week of December. However, that was a month ago.

Healthwise, I'm starting to have more pain lately, but I don't really know what is going on. I never got a diagnosis and in an ideal world would get more tests done. BUT - I can't afford any more. I can't have one more payment plan. So the plan is to wait it out, revert to very soft foods/liquids when I'm in a significant amount of pain. If I am unable to function, then I will relent to more testing. But for now, no more.

I'm going to start realllly slow on the diss. I have to. I freak out too much about everything that needs to do and how much of a mess it is. Seriously, If i work on it 5 minutes today it would be better than not working on it at all. Once I get back into it, I'll naturally work on it more.

Going to start the countdown again. I'm going to do this. A little bit every day.