It’s been a pretty good day…

I spent my 1^st day working in my new office. I like it! I've got everything organized (it took me 6 hrs yesterday to do so) and all of my pictures up. It is quieter than my old office. Was fairly productive, but could have done more…although there is ALWAYS more I could do. I'm trying to relax tonight and tell myself I have tomorrow and the first part of Wednesday to get some order to my new dissertation ideas. Also have some revisions to do on the book chapter. And need to finalize the survey for the JCC. And figure out bday stuff for a certain someone who is turning 30 very soon…that should be a lot of funJ. The birthday planning/celebration part at least. In short, I'm busy but not minding it too much at the moment. Yay for good moods!

I get to teach an OB class in the spring! And get this: I was asked what time I would like to teach it. WHENEVER!!!! Never, ever been asked that! Not to pick from various times, but to make up my own time! I asked for 10:45 – 12pm TTH. Not too early, not too late. Avoids the inevitable "lunch coma". Yay!!!

I also found out that I am going to do the assessment in B'ham in August J I'm pumped – I've done it twice before and had a blast each time. We work hard, but play harder. Or at least I try. We are supposed to be there for 7 days this time. I'm not sure if that's a typo or not. Or that we'll just have that much work to do. It's all good though – I still am enthralled by someone else paying for my hotel room for a week. And still, air travel. But no US Air this time. No, no, no. I've begun to be obsessed with a flight tracking/rating site: www.flightstats.com. It gives ontime performance ratings and all sorts of other stuff. I'll be going to Savannah to visit my g-ma in July and one of my flights is rated very, very poor. And I have 2 connections on the way back: Dulles & O'Hare. Only 50 minutes in O'Hare. Great idea. Well if any of you in Chicago are reading, I may get stuck on May 17^th. Just a heads-up; you might be hearing from me then. I'm sure you'll be hearing about my first experiences with United Airlines later.

Happiest bird I’ve ever seen…

Yesterday, after spending the day moving my office, the bf & I went to get some dunch/linner (we can't decide on the term), at 3:30pm (hence the combination) at the Ohio Brewing Company. Very good – didn't even try the beer although it looks interesting. I'm now highly addicted to their blackberry iced tea.

When we were walking up the stairs of the parking garage we saw a baby bird that was trying to get outside…by flying up and running into the glass repeatedly. First we tried to scare him/her. No dice; the bird just tried harder to escape via the glass. I realized that I had a coat in my car and we spent a long time trying to get the bird into the coat without squishing it. He was even able to pet the bird through the coat!

Finally, he managed to grab the bird long enough to get him out of the staircase and onto the ledge of the parking garage. The bird paused, looked from side to side at the open air, smiled (I swear if I've ever seen a bird smile, that was it!), chirped what I can assume was a thank you, and flew away into the trees.

So, the moral of the story is that there is an advantage of being lazy and leaving items of clothing in your car for 8 months. You can help save a bird!

It wasn’t so bad…

If it was a really bad meeting with dramatics, you know I would have written about it right away. Bad news makes for better blogging, that's for sure. Whenever anything bad happens to me, I try to make it comical. I usually can find SOMETHING humorous out of most situations. I can't think of any at the moment, but I'm sure you can think of some.

In reality, the meeting went quite well, and I actually felt better after leaving the meeting than before. It is rare that that happens. It turns out my one sentence ideas were better than any of the ones I'd written pages and pages about. And both ideas are simple and one of them I actually know quite a bit about already. Sweet. I can't say that I definitively have an idea, but I'm working on it. I don't want to jinx myself J

We also discussed plans for the rest of the summer and fall, specifically research. I told him I was leaning towards consulting but haven't ruled out academia. Not quite the truth, but closer. At least he knows I'm thinking about it.

I'm still in the process of moving my office; I need to be out by July 1^st. For some reason, I want to move all of it myself. For sentimental reasons, perhaps? Also, I have some stuff I want to organize before I move it. I swear, I have no idea how 5 years have gone by. 1^st & 2^nd year, it felt like eternity. Memories….

Gulp….

What happens when to try to cancel a meeting with your advisor (because you haven't done anything dissertation related in 3 weeks)…and he/she says no? Deep shit, my friend, deep shit. I (surprise!) happen to be in this current situation. I had initially said that I had "preliminary ideas that I would like to develop further before we meet". Sounds good, right? Unfortunately, my preliminary idea is one sentence. And I haven't bothered to search to find out if it's been done before. Nice work, nice work.

I think I'm just going to 'fess up to doing nothing about my dissertation while explaining that I've been out of town quite a bit and I have more immediate deadlines to meet. Somehow, I think that this explanation will not be enough. I'm preparing for him to rip me a new one. I kind of hope he does; I probably need it, and definitely deserve it. Hopefully, I won't cry (which I do way too easily) or get really sarcastic and uncomfortably self-deprecating.

Will update soon – meeting in 40 minutes.

If you don’t want to read whining and complaining, stop reading here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, I feel quite defeated today. Being a 6^th year, I got booted out of my office and moved to another, more isolated office. I got moved to the counseling side. What happened to seniority? I've been here 5 years already; why should I have to give up my desk? I guess it's meant to be a gentle nudge that I've been here too long (more like a kick in the ass, really). I guess I should feel grateful that I still have an office. My soon-to-be former office is on the main hallway. Thus, people stop by and I can hear the departmental gossip without even leaving my chair. In addition, it has window to outside. It gets too hot or cold, I can open the window. I love my officemates too and don't want to leave (although my new officemates are awesome too…they will never be around though).

New office: kinda on a side hallway. Only near old I/O students like myself and counseling students. Not that I don't like the counseling folks, I just feel so isolated from the I/O happenings. Also, it has only about a quarter of a window…of the atrium. Not an outside window. No temperature control either. Ok, as I'm reading this, I really am whining and should be grateful for an office and stuff, I'm lucky the offices are as nice as they are, blah, blah, blah. I'm still going to pout like a little kid. Try and stop me.

Also, I haven't managed to come up with a dissertation topic in the last three weeks that I haven't met with my advisor. Also, I thought we weren't meeting this week for some reason. Damn. I've been out of town a great deal and have been working a lot on other stuff, but the fact that I've made no progress is really pathetic. I'll probably come up with a half-assed idea (or excuse, if things don't go well) that will get shot down immediately. I hate these meetings. I never have anything worthwhile to say and feel that my attempts at a dissertation are futile. Keep in mind, however that I'm not trashing my advisor. Not at all; I am the one that can't seem to get anything done. I wish someone would pick a topic for me – I'll hate end up hating one I initially liked anyway – If I work on anything too long, it gets old. Really, really old.

I'm frustrated at myself. Now I'm frustrated that can't keep from being frustrated at myself. I have a really, really bad attitude about grad school right now. So bad, that I'm not even sure it is wise to meet with my advisor. I'm afraid that I'll say that I don't care about any of this stuff and that dissertations are pointless. Or that I'll say that I haven't done anything and not sound like I feel bad about it. Probably not a wise decision.

I wonder if I can get away with studying graduate students anxiety who continually procrastinate on their dissertations and how effective ice cream therapy is as a coping strategy. Mmm, ice cream.

So, it’s been an eventful week

In the last week or so 3 friends have gotten engaged (congrats if you're reading) and one that announced her pregnancy (again, congrats). While I'm not exactly ready to do either of these things, it's starting to make feel old. Especially since making that kind of commitment to anyone/thing scares the crap out of me. Should I have such an aversion to these events (for me, not others) at my age? I feel as if I'm regressing sometimes. I like the feeling of having few/no commitments. What other time in my life will I be able to get away with it? I don't have dog, cat, gerbil, hamster, fish, or even a plant (I have a black thumb). I live by myself and have a month-to-month lease (my landlords are awesome – after a year you can go month-to-month, no additional fees or contract). Basically, I could up and leave with 30 days notice. I like this feeling that my life could change drastically at any moment. It never does, of course, but I like that it COULD if I wanted it to.

No dissertation topic quite yet either – I've been out of town so much that I haven't had much chance to work on it. Also, I have other stuff to do. Not that I really want to work on it. I haven't even started the damn thing and just thinking about it creates a tremendous sense of dread. Also, I'm pretty sure that I want go applied. My advisor does not know this, and I'm not sure how he'd feel about it. The thing that made me change my mind: I thought about how frustrated I would be with an advisee like myself. I would go crazy! No, no, no, I don't want that. Not that the higher salary and better chance of living in/near a major city. Not that I'd choose a job based on salary alone but dude, I've got huge student loan debt. Huge. I'd really like to pay off a big chunk of that and then get going with the rest of my life. I hate having so much debt (duh, who does?). It makes me very nervous. I figure I could live like a grad student for a few years after I get done.

On a sad note, George Carlin died yesterday. He was one of the funniest (and accurate) comedians ever. It was smart comedy too. He could have been a philosopher. I guess in his own way, he was. For example, "Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist". Another: "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town". If you haven't heard any of his stuff, you must. Unless you can't stand profanity….then maybe not.

RIP George Carlin

And I’m home

I've finally made it back to my parent's house. I hadn't been here since Christmas. And I was all drugged out then too – I had just had surgery. Have had a chance to hang out with my sis & bro. And the cats – I consider my sister's cats to be my nephews. Mister is quite the lady's man; he took the chance to scratch his ears on my chest – twice!

I always feel like a little kid when I come home. For example, I got in about an hour ago (1am) and was very careful not to wake anyone. Partially, this is common courtesy. But I think I still have some teenage instinct left in me – I'm afraid to wake the rents (mind you, I'm 28). Old habits die hard, I guess.

No internet at home either, unless I can catch one of the neighbors' unsecured networks. It's so weird not to have internet. I'm totally addicted – I spend way too much time in front of the computer as it is. For instance, I'm typing in the dark at 2am to get my boring thoughts down so I can post this soon.

Also, I'm starving. I've eaten plenty, however. Every time I go home, the same thing happens. I guess there isn't enough "wendy food" around. I don't think I'm that picky, but I must be. I'm used to eating what I like, and I eat pretty low fat and vegetarian a lot of the time. I'm not a vegetarian (I like bacon too much), but I tend to eat like one. My family, on the other hand is very meat & potatoes. Veggie sausage is just not on the menu at home.

Must go to sleep now. Hopefully I'll have something more exciting to report then. Or at least a good story.

the perils of email attachments

*sigh* I spent 2 hours editing this survey I'm developing for a community non-profit. I was almost finished with it. Unfortunately, I forgot to save it to my computer. Unless it is saved somewhere else on the computer (I've done a search) I'll have to redo it. Fabulous. I love redos. I'm already behind schedule on this project; I spent a week in 'bama and foolishly said we could meet early this week. Somehow, Thursday does not strike me as early in the week. Not like we could meet today anyway, as all of the work I've done is gone. I thought about printing out a copy, but decided against it yesterday (to save trees).

I'm planning to leave tomorrow anyway to visit my folks; I haven't been back since Christmas. I could work on it there, but my parents have no internet in my house. Lovely. I guess i can try to frantically finish everything today and hope for a phone meeting early tomorrow.

Oh, and I need to find a dissertation topic like now. I don't even care what it is; I'll end up hating it in the end anyway, no matter how much i like it in the beginning. Oops, I forgot about the book chapter revisions too...

Dang, this summer is crazy busy. It probably doesn't help that I've been gone 3 of the last 4 weekends, as well as all of last week. After this weekend, it will be 4 out of 5. I guess I'll try to do some work at home. This seems extremely unlikely, however. I need to find some place with free wi-fi in the area as well. Hopefully, free wi-fi does in fact exist somewhere near my parent's house.

I mentioned earlier this week in a facebook status update that I was trying to get ahead so I can go home this weekend. Hahahaha. Getting ahead - how idealistic. I need to move from really behind on stuff to slightly behind on work. Even moderately behind on my work seems acceptable now.

Must get back to redoing my work now...

I want out...

I'm really, really, really sick of being in school right now. My cohort and above are never around or have already graduated (mostly the latter). I need a job. Badly. I'm thinking about how much i hate research. Well, i don't mind reading stuff and analyzing data, but the actual writing and designing studies I hate.

I realize now that i could be a mediocre (at best) professor, but could be a great consultant. I really think I'm going to go applied. Yet, I feel guilty about this, like I'm wasting my opportunities. *sigh* I wish I was the type of person who doesn't care what other people think. Or more like care about what I think they think.

I just want to get done. Give me a dissertation topic and I'll start today. I'm involved in so many projects now I can't devote the time I need to on my dissertation. My goal was to propose this fall. That seems quite unlikely at this point - that I'll write a whole dissertation proposal in the next 2.5 months.

I'm burned out and lack motivation. Why did I decide to go to grad school in the first place? I forgot. Please remind me.

Blood donation

I just got a call from the American Red Cross about donating blood. I donate blood on a semi-regular basis (i.e. when I'm not sick, when my iron level is high enough). There is a serious blood shortage in NE Ohio, and probably most other places.

I'm asking you to at least consider donating blood. Imagine if you got into a car accident and needed blood transfusions and there was no blood available. I know I sound alarmist, but this could happen. It WILL happen if more people don't start giving blood. The bloodbanks are so low on blood right now (and actually are most of the time) someone could die if there is not enough blood available. For my blood type, there is currently only a half-days supply of it on hand. 12 hours. That's really scary.

They do have some promotions going on in the area. Daily $25 gas cards, one $3000 gas card at the end of the month as well as several $500 gas cards. Beyond this, however, is the chance to save a life, or at least help someone out. Just think of the mundane stuff we do everyday that doesn't seem to make a difference. Giving blood makes a difference.

I know a lot of people are don't like seeing blood or are scared of needles. Not to trivialize your fears, but it isn't that bad. And the people taking blood do it all day; they are good at it. Seriously if you want me to go with you to donate blood (given you live in NE ohio), I will do that. I'm donating next Monday; let me know if you want to tag along. And if you are not sure if you can donate blood due to taking medications or chronic illnesses, ask. A lot of times, you still can donate.

For those of you in Akron, the Summit County Donor Center is on West Market, about a mile west of U of A. You can walk in, but they appreciate it if you make an appointment. You can make an appointment by phone or online:

1-800-Give Life (1-800-448-3543) or http://www.redcross.org/donate/give/

Seriously, think about it.

PS - you still get cookies and juice :) One time, I even got a cupcake!

I'm back...and i want to leave again

Nothing like getting back from a weeklong trip to find all of the things that you should have done before you left/while you were gone waiting for you. Yikes. I'm hoping to go see my family this weekend too.

My trip back from 'bama was even more eventful than the way there: lightning, brief airport closures, long delays, plane pulling over and parking, not having a guaranteed seat on one of the flights, plane circling for a half hour over the airport due to storms, almost falling asleep standing up, staying in the hotel at the pittsburgh airport. Good times.

Also, I got selected for a "random" security screening...again. Wtf? I guess the law of averages was catching up with me; I'd never been selected before. Just so you know, if you get a boarding pass with SSSS on it, you are the lucky recipient of a thorough security screening. At least I didn't get patted down this time. And I feel bad for the TSA people that had to rifle through my suitcase of dirty laundry - with my sweaty running clothes on top. No wonder they wear gloves.

I did end up getting on the flight I wanted, I eventually got back home, albeit 12 hours after I planned to. And I had a great time and met a lot of awesome people. We even found the liquor store; something not quite accomplished last time I was there. All in all, it was a good trip.

Burning questions...

Am i really the only one ever at the b'ham sheraton that has sat out in the hallway to catch the free wireless. Seriously? Stop looking at me like that.

Likewise, I must also have been the first person to ever order a sandwich from the subway that did not have any dressing/mayo/mustard on it. She was like "Seriously? No mayo or anything?". Yes, folks i eat my sandwiches dry.

Also, why does the statement "Make sure to meet with me/request stuff from me this week" mean to other people to wait until this week to do so? Um, yeah i had enough trouble getting MYSELF to B'ham. Somehow I failed to pack my 6 foot tall cabinet full of journal articles. Silly me.

6:08

Although I'm not actually in Birmingham yet, I've already had an eventful trip. Left for Pittsburgh Airport a little late. Got to the airport, finally found a parking spot and then waited for the shuttle. After 10 minutes, shuttle was not even in sight. I was parked in the far reaches of the economy lot – basically as far away from the terminal as you can get. Decided to walk. I see shuttle, yay! I wave the driver down…and he blows right past me. Are you kidding? The shuttle didn't look very full either. Ended up walking to the terminal, which took like 20 minutes. Got my boarding pass, security line is a little long, but not bad.

I go through the typical hassle of removing shoes/liquids/laptop. Walk through, give my boarding pass to the security agent…and was promptly told to go wait in a little glass room – I had been the lucky recipient a thorough search (pat-down included). It seems to take forever, and of course I look nervous; I was afraid I'm miss my flight! Finally, after about 20 minutes, I'm cleared to go. I had exactly enough time to go to the bathroom and buy a bottle of water before boarding.

So, I'm on the plane, I didn't drop my carry-on on anyone's head, and my ridiculously overstuffed backpack actually fits underneath the seat. All seems well until I hear the horrible hacking cough of…the guy in the seat next to me. The cough, along with nose-blowing and sniffling continued through the flight. In addition, there was a really, really cranky baby that was crying at the top of his/her lungs for 75% of the flight. Can't help that though, try to relax and keep my face turned away from Mr. Cough. I began to relax and nod off. Ok, this isn't so *THUMP*. Must have been putting down tray table. It continues. The kid behind me is kicking my seat. I say nothing, as her parents will surely tell her to stop and perhaps apologize. They do not.

Seated behind and across the aisle is a very well-groomed, well-mannered woman; kind of the stereotypical southern belle (all she needed was the hat). She must have been very inexperienced with gum-chewing – I thought it was the kid that was making the smacking noises. It was her!!!

I land in Charlotte and immediately get a text message that my flight to b'ham is delayed until 5:04. Ok, that's not too bad. It was an hour delay, but I initially had a tight connection (45ish minutes). I check the departure monitor. In a nice, cheery pink color is written "now 6:08". It is mocking me. Like leaving at 6:08 is an exciting new feature for the flight. "Flight 2619 is new and improved! You get 129 more minutes to stare off into space and try to avoid the gaze of that creepy old guy sitting across from you! Have fun!

Actually, the Charlotte airport is pretty cool, and I'm going to get a chance to eat some real food (I'm noshing on dried cranberries as I blog). And sit in a rocking chair – the airport is full of them. It is seriously a sweet airport. I was looking forward to getting to B'ham at 4:15 so I'll have time to exercise and shower before I chill for the night. Oh well.

I'm escaping Ohio for a bit...

I'm leaving tomorrow for Birmingham, AL to work on an assessment center. Fun stuff, right? Well, actually it was a lot of fun the last time I went. The work was tolerable: interesting at times, totally monotonous & tedious at others. What made it so much fun were the people I met. Sadly, none of them are going back this time :(

If I have half of the fun I did last time, it will be worth it. I'll (hopefully) meet some interesting people and we'll have fun. Still, I'm really going to miss my former fellow assessors...love you guys!

Missing winter

I don't like hot weather. I really don't even like warm weather. I'd really prefer it to be between 35-65. Yes, I know I'm a freak and should move to Alaska.

When it's cold out I can wear sweats and sweaters and my fuzzy robe; snuggle up with blankets on the couch. Drink hot chocolate and eat chicken soup. I can run outside, barely sweat at all, and won't see anyone on my evening runs.

I think I seriously have SAD - only in reverse. When it's warm and sunny, I hibernate (can't afford to slather myself in sunscreen everyday). I'm lethargic. I have to wait until 9:30pm to go running, and it's still too freakin' hot. I have no motivation. Everyone is outside, thus i avoid it (I'm strangely anti-social when i go running; I want the sidewalks to myself). I shower 3x a day and change my clothes almost as often (once i sweat, even a little, i feel icky and must shower/change). Yes, I'm a bit obsessive, but sue me, I like to be clean! Summer does not seem compatible with cleanliness, unless you never sweat. I'm not one of those people. I hate wearing shorts - I only have a few pair to run in and I'll only wear them as a last resort. I'm so pale, I blind people when I'm in direct sunlight. Forget about a tan, I burn in 10 minutes outside if not slathered with a SPF 55+ sunblock.

Granted, not having to wear a winter coat/scarf/gloves/hat is nice, as well as not having salt stains on all of my shoes. I like putting the ice scraper in my car to rest (I never take it out though, it's bad luck). I don't particularly like the snow, especially driving in it. Parking at school in the summer is much easier and the department is quieter.

I'm sleepy...need a nap. Never seem to need a nap in the winter though...summer is killing my ambition and productivity...

Productivity software

So I installed this program that summarizes how you spend your time when you're on your computer (http://www.rescuetime.com) . After tagging some stuff, it will tell you how productive you've been, along with the activity you've spent the most time on.

I've learned that in the last 3 days, I've spent 8.5 hrs procrastinating, mostly in the "social networking" category. Damn Facebook. Even better: it told me that I worked all of 21.6 minutes today. Dang. I was at school for 6 hours. In my defense, it doesn't include stuff that isn't done on the computer - like reading. I did write that 1/2 page of the assessment report...okay, it was mostly titles and subject headings. And a few incomplete sentences. But I started it! That's the first step...

Does anyone else start a paper or assignment by opening a document, putting a title on it, save and close it? It makes me feel accomplished because I've thought about it enough to reserve a document for it (ok, i have low standards for accomplishment). Then I can see the icon on my desktop and and tell people I've started working on it...and I'm not lying.

I'm being productive....writing this list counts as productivity, right?

You know you’ve been in graduate school too long when…

You start telling people outside of school that it’s taking you so long to finish because you’re doing a “pre-doc”.

When you speak of your cohort, no one has ever heard of them.

You speak of buildings on campus that no longer exist.

When master’s students graduate, you get jealous, even though you already have the same degree.

Your former students finish graduate school before you do.

When you no longer go to the recruitment luncheon because you figure you’re leaving soon and they’ll never get to know you. In reality, they graduate before you.

When the faculty bar you from all contact with prospective students because you will scare them by your bitter ways.

When “I can sleep in as late as I want” is no longer a satisfying response to your friend that just told you they bought a new house/got a raise/had a baby/etc.

You miss taking classes.

Your office is relocated to a room at the end of a very long hallway. It is labeled “supply closet”. Your red swingline stapler is repossessed as well.

You carry around your dissertation articles in a laundry basket.

When you have to meet with your advisor in secret locations because he doesn’t want anyone else to know that it is he who has the 13th year graduate student.

When 3 different presidents have been elected and all of them served 2 terms.

When even your landlord starts wants you to be done and move out; the rest of the building was remodeled 3 years ago.

When the new assistant professor graduated high school during your 3rd year of grad school.

When people referred to you as ABD, they don’t mean all but dissertation; they mean “a big disaster”.

When you are spending your time writing this list instead of your dissertation

Grad school fries your brain.

"Your appointment is 43 minutes overdue". Crap. It was sort of important.

I swear, I cannot remember anything for the life of me. The appointment I forgot today I've already rescheduled 3 times prior, twice at the last minute. I would have been fine if I'd been at my desk - my calendar reminds me 30 minutes ahead of time. But no, I was busy rudely interrupting people from their work to talk to me (I get lonely).

Journal articles don't talk back unless you have a really good imagination, are really sleep deprived, drunk and/or on crack. Then you can pretend that a bobblehead version of him/her is reading it out loud to you. If you've met the author at siop, a slight slurring of speech is evident and bobblehead may stagger across your desk

Ah, I/O action figures - just what the field needs to spice things up. How about I/O themed Pez dispensers that dispense caffeine pills instead of candy? Tim Judge dispenser is extra-strength.

A theory: I think that there is a curvalinear relationship of admiration and years in graduate school. After each milestone (thesis, comps), you are admired more and more. After a certain point, people cease to admire you. Being a 6th year is not impressive; its just sad.

Some good news: I may have the opportunity to teach an org behavior class in the mgmt department! Hopefully I'll get to teach it and at least one of the intro classes too. I'd really like to teach all 3, but I'm not sure that would be allowed.

Not again :(

This afternoon it was decided that I must come up with a new dissertation topic. Damn. I've only had about 5 other unsuccessful diss topics so far. I was also told that I should stop being so concerned with the method of data collection. I was being "too practical". This may have been the only time in my life that I have been the practical one! Seriously! I guess the desire to graduate would make one more practical.

I was also reminded today that in one year, I haven't met any of my major goals. Not one. How freaking depressing is that? I've definitely worked toward those goals and I am close to accomplishing some, but still. What the fuck have I been doing this past year? Running in circles?

Feeling defeated yet again. Pass the cheesecake filling. And the big spoon.

Can't let go of the dream...

I've always been a different, odd you might say, than other people. Most people, given a choice between something they are good at and something they are bad at, pick the good. I always pick the bad, the hardest thing i could do. Not exactly great for the ego or actually accomplishing anything.

Going academic or applied has boiled down to this same question: What am I good at? I'm good at applied work. I know what I'm doing (or at least i can fake it pretty well when i don't). Academics, not so much. Okay, i am in grad school and am ABD, so I'm obviously good at academics to an extent. I got good enough grades to pass my classes, finished my thesis and barely scraped through comps. In grad school, I always fell below the mean, often last in my class. That's a pretty crappy feeling, but i got used to it.

So applied is the easy choice; the winner, right?

Work, on the other hand, is something I've always been good at. I would excel in my non-academic jobs. Granted, most were not very demanding, but i was always one of the best.

I'd make more money consulting. I'd like consulting more. I'll likely be more accomplished. In my heart, that's what i think I'll end up doing. But I'm still trying to go academic; where i always will question my knowledge, will always feel inferior, will always be behind. I don't think I'd like being a professor as much as a consultant. Still, I plod on (in circles often). Perhaps I'm a masochist...

I've always felt that almost all skills/jobs are trainable to some degree. Sure, I'll never be a marathon winner, but I think i could improve a great deal. I'm curious as to where the improvement will stop. This is also true with academics. I'll eventually improve - i guess i want to see how far. With things that I'm already good at, i don't seem to be concerned with. Maybe i just want to be good at everything, Jill of all trades, you might say. Or i want to see if spending more time at things will make me like them more too. I guess I'm always looking for change. I feel like I've improved greatly in many aspects of my life during graduate school. Maybe I'm looking for dramatics - not expecting me to do well and then surprising everyone. If I'm good already, no dramatics?

Apparently, i like it when no one has expectations that i will do very well. I love proving people wrong. I like to be the underdog

so much to do...so little time

Every once in awhile, i notice exactly how many distractions there are in life that seem useless. TV, for instance. I like some shows, but before i know it, my evening is gone. I could have done more productive things, like work. Or i could do something thats is enjoyable that i don't do enough of, such as working out, or crocheting, etc. Some more productive hobbies, i guess.

I've been avoiding some things that are unpleasant to do or that i don't think i'm going to do well. Naturally, these things make me feel worse and more anxious. I have had times in my life where i did what i was supposed to do during the day and rarely put off things. That was one of the best times of my life. I didn't feel guilty, i felt smart and accomplished; dependable. Now i just feel incompetent b/c i put off just about everything.

Maybe i'll treat it like a game - try to get as much done possible in a certain amt of time. This works more with cleaning and household stuff than schoolwork, but i'm going to try. Luckily, i get a great deal of satisfaction by crossing off something on my to-do list. I'm reading the personal efficiency program - maybe that will help me. or at least inspire me a little more.