Monday, January 31, 2011

Yesterday was a success. Today, not so much

I had lunch/tea with a friend yesterday and worked on the dissertation. I worked on the dissertation more than I had in weeks. I might have my chapter I revised enough to send back to my advisor this week. It was definitely a productive day, mixed with socialization. Yay!

***Possible TMI***

Today I had a Dr's appointment. Like the gastroenterologist said he says i have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). IBS is often a catch-all for everything that is not Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis. It's not really a diagnosis; just a list of symptoms, some which contradict each other. What concerns me most is I still have days where i'm in pain (like today). More pain than what I'd expect IBS to produce. It just seems like it is more than that. Is IBS really that painful? Should I need pain meds for time to time? Should I have to keep to liquids/really soft foods twice a week to lessen pain? Could there be a way to lessen pain that doesn't require pain medication or large diet restriction? The doc shrugged his shoulders and told me I have to find what works for me. Really? I already know that I can't eat most veggies (although fiber is supposed to improve IBS).

I know I really shouldn't complain; I don't have Crohn's or UC, or any other serious disease that i know of. But it is really frustrating.

In addition to that, the stupid snow/ice storm will not permit me to visit the boyfriend this week. He is likely leaving at the end of this week. Thus, I may not see him for 4 months. And won't be able to see him for our "official" anniversary either. Or Valentine's day. Or my birthday.

At least the first part of this post was positive.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

5 minutes at a time

That's how I'm going to operate today. I'm not feeling so great today, but I shouldn't lie on the couch all day.

So I'm going to work on everything I need to do for 5 minutes at a time. I did 5 minutes worth of dishes. Not even halfway through, but I have more clean dishes than I did before. I figure I can manage to do 5 minutes of just about anything.

The only thing that I'm working on for more than 5 minutes at a time is reading. Currently, I'm reading Pride and Prejudice as well as a book on meditation. While meditation has not really appealed to me, I really could use some centering. In essence I could deal with my life better and not be so anxious. I figure it is worth a try. So far the book is pretty good - not religion based or too new-agey.

I should really give a few minutes of my dissertation a try as well. I've got a dissertation date scheduled on Friday with a fellow dissertater. Socialization and productivity in one!

Should get back to being slightly productive.

Monday, January 24, 2011

ok, ok, stay calm

In my last post, I mentioned that my boyfriend may be going to Tampa. However, last week he put his 2 weeks in and decided he was not going to go. He'd do whatever he needed to do job-wise. They offered him a teensy bit more money. He said no. He visited this weekend and it was lovely. Nothing special, just spent time together and relaxed. I appreciate that so much - just things that people that don't have distance between them do all of the time and often don't think much of it. Even though he was here only a 27 hrs (yes, i count), it was 27 hrs of quality time.

So today he goes into work and the owner offers him a significant raise. It is still crappy pay, but in this economy money is money. So he's going. And I'm freaking out.

I actually figured he'd get another counter offer. He pretty much runs the show and no one knows how to do his job. They'd be completely lost without him. So it was not a giant surprise to me. But it still makes me very sad.

We'd be going from a 225 mile gap between us to over 1,000. While I guess we are used to distance, it is not like I'd just be able to go visit every other weekend. Or every 3rd weekend. Or every 6 weeks. I'm not sure I'd be able to visit at all.

I'm just overwhelmed and miss him terribly already. The idea of being even further apart for the next 4 months is hard. Although it is temporary. I need to remember it is only temporary. Then we will probably resume our 225 mile long-distance relationship. Distance sucks. A lot.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Distance

Distance is difficult when in a relationship. Especially if it is prolonged and the distance is great.

We've been apart since our relationship started. Ranging from a 11 hr flight to a 3 1/2 hr drive, it's been challenging at times. It has been hard to him to visit me as of late and I can't always make the drive to see him.

We may be facing 4 months of being apart. He may have to go to Tampa for his job. He's been frantically searching for a job but not having a lot of luck.

I've been getting frustrated with being 3 1/2 hrs apart. The drive gets boring and it gets difficult when I'm doing most of the driving. It's especially hard when I was sick.

It is worth it. We are worth it. We just might have to be a little (ok very) patient.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Reading for entertainment. In grad school. Really.

I used to think that reading books for fun was a ridiculous thing to do in grad school. After all, there is so many articles to read already, I couldn't fathom more reading being a way to enjoy myself. And of course, who has the time?

When I was younger, I was a voracious reader. I would go to the library and check out 25 books at at time, and would return them in 2 weeks after I'd read them all. Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley Twins/High, books by Lurlene McDaniel, Little Women, the Anne of Green Gables series, and a Wrinkle in Time were some of my favorites. Oh, and R. L. Stine books too.

I would read while I was eating breakfast. I would read during study hall. I would read during silent reading (duh). I read while I had friends over (ok, poor social skills at work). In short, I loved having my nose in a book!

After I started college, reading books for pleasure took a backseat. Then even moreso in grad school. After my 2nd year in grad school, I couldn't remember the last time I'd picked up a book that was not related to schoolwork.

So I started reading again. And staying up late to finish books (oops!). I think one reason why I'm hesitant to read more often is because I get so wrapped up in the book, I can't put it down (Harry Potter, anyone?)

The first year I resolved to read more books, I read 24. The next year I read 22 books. After that it went downhill; In 2009, I only read 2 books the whole year. I was up to 11 last year, but hadn't read anything after June.

If you're wondering how I can come up with these numbers off the top of my head - I don't. I've got a very detailed book spreadsheet that details the books I've read, when I read them, books I own but haven't read, books I'm in the process of reading (and the percentage of the book I have finished), as well as goals for the year. I love being able to enter books in that spreadsheet.

Ebooks have become my new obsession. Any book written before 1900 is available through the Gutenberg project. Most are compatible with the kindle software for PC, which I have on my computer. You can download those directly from the Gutenberg project website or from Amazon.com for no cost. In addition, the local library also has ebooks that you can check out for up to 14 days. The titles are limited, but I read Michael J. Fox's latest book, Looking up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist using Adobe Digital Reader, which can be downloaded from the APL website or from adobe.com. I highly recommend the book as well.

So far this year, I've read 5. My goal for the year is 30. Doing really well on that goal so far. But besides its entertainment value (and bragging rights), does reading for fun have any other benefits?

Yes, it does. I find that when I read more books for pleasure, I'm likely to read more journal articles and am able to read and comprehend them faster. Also not having the tv on saves electricity :-)

Oh, and where do I find the time? I don't really watch much tv. I used to keep it on and mindlessly watch stupid shows, but what is the point? In 2 hours, I can have half a book read (assuming that I'm not reading War and Peace or something dense and cumbersome).

Currently reading The Partner by John Grisham. Think I'll get back to that...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The more you write, the more you'll want to write

And I'm guilty for not writing much in the last couple of months. One of the books I'm reading about writing a dissertation gives the advice that if you feel stuck, write something. And not necessarily on the dissertation. It can be brainstorming, journaling, even fiction. The point is to keep writing so it becomes a habit.

I find this a very good piece of advice. When I don't write, I don't feel like writing. When getting back into it, it can be hard to compose complete sentences or even just ideas. But getting going is the hardest part. And even writing a piece of fiction or ranting about my day can improve my writing skills.

So that is the goal. Write something every day.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Don't you dare call me an optimist.

I'm not an optimist. Never have been, never will be.

I'd prefer to describe myself as a realist, but in all honesty I'm more of a pessimist. I can't help but think of everything that is/might go wrong and somehow become convinced that everything will go wrong. However, some of those things are under my control. Some things aren't.

For the things that aren't, I've been trying to look at the situation from a different perspective. Reframing, if you will. I try to think how it isn't that bad compared to something else. For example, I recently had to replace the starter on my car. It cost me nearly $400. That sucks, no doubt. But I do have an 11 year old car that I'm not making payments on. And the insurance on it is dirt cheap. If i were making payments on it, that might be about a month and a half of payments. Really not that bad. I'd be paying much more if I had a newer car. This car suits me just fine.

For the things I can control (such as my dissertation) I'm trying to realize that I have control over my own destiny. I can make things a good experience or a bad one. I can choose to feel good or bad about situations.

So I guess I am starting to look at the bright side. Trying to, at least. But don't call me an optimist.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Ended up riding the bus a couple of times this past weekend due to the starter on my car going bad. I didn't really mind it too much. However, the city bus system definitely has some drawbacks.

1. The schedules are crap. Even on the main route, it can be 40 minutes between buses during the day. I can't imagine if i depended on the bus to get to work (if I had a job).

2. Very few shelters. Taking the bus in the dead of winter is ridiculous when it is 10 degrees out and you are standing unprotected on the side of the road for any length of time. Especially if it is 40 minutes to an hr before the next bus. Hell, I'd walk home.

3. Routes are terrible. There are many places in the city that aren't really accessible by bus. Especially if you have to go to the suburbs. Heck, the bus I'd take doesn't even go the university. I'd have to walk more than a mile to get to the department. Not horrible good weather, but with unshoveled sidewalks and terribly cold weather + a 15lb computer bag = not ideal.

However there are a few good things about taking the bus:

1. Interesting people. Some people might see this as a drawback. Admittedly there are usually a few people on the bus that are rather eccentric. However, some interesting conversations are often overheard.

2. It reminds me of Germany a little. Granted, the buses aren't as nice, the schedules and routes aren't as good, but I like the idea of public transportation. I like zoning out on the bus and not worrying about driving in the snow.

There are some people that wouldn't dream of taking the bus here. A few people asked my why didn't I ask for a ride? Personally, I don't mind the bus too much, and I'd prefer to rely on myself to get somewhere.

Some people say it is too dangerous (maybe some routes), dirty (really not too bad), or that they are "too good" to take the bus. That somehow they are better than the bus riders. Really? No person is better than another. Sure, some people have more education, a better job, nicer clothes, etc. But that doesn't mean that those people have more value than another. I can't stand the snobbery that some people have.

I like having my car and will continue to drive it. But I do like the option of taking public transportation even if it is a pain in the ass.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

more dissertation anxiety

Well, the title says it all. I've been so disconnected from my dissertation that I am afraid of it. Seriously. I'm so intimidated by just opening the document that I don't. It is silly, I know. I WANT to get this done. I WANT to graduate. I don't want to continue to feel like a schmuck because I'm not making progress. This paper will not get done by itself.

And it isn't even that horrible. It's not like I'm starting from scratch. I've got to make some (major) revisions to my proposal, but I'd gotten a good start on it...a while ago. I can't even think of when I last worked on it. Granted, I was really sick and in a lot of pain until about the 2nd week of December. However, that was a month ago.

Healthwise, I'm starting to have more pain lately, but I don't really know what is going on. I never got a diagnosis and in an ideal world would get more tests done. BUT - I can't afford any more. I can't have one more payment plan. So the plan is to wait it out, revert to very soft foods/liquids when I'm in a significant amount of pain. If I am unable to function, then I will relent to more testing. But for now, no more.

I'm going to start realllly slow on the diss. I have to. I freak out too much about everything that needs to do and how much of a mess it is. Seriously, If i work on it 5 minutes today it would be better than not working on it at all. Once I get back into it, I'll naturally work on it more.

Going to start the countdown again. I'm going to do this. A little bit every day.