Normal results = good?

So I had my super fun test on Monday. It actually wasn't that bad. There is some good news - everything looked good. Still waiting on some biopsies to come back to see what is going on.

I'm feeling a lot better (yay!) and even went to the gym yesterday. Granted, it was only 20 minutes going very slow on the elliptical, but it is technically considered exercise. I'm not really having any pain anymore, just a little discomfort. It's really nice to feel halfway decent and get some things done.

I'm still wondering what is/was going on with me. I'm unsure of what could have caused all of the pain and 4 days of hospitalization. I'm less concerned right now because I feel ok. I guess more tests could be done, but right now I'm going to have to pay out of (empty) pocket. I just don't have the money for that and if I continue to have good days (today is day 3 in a row!) I probably won't pursue it further.

Now on to the dissertation!

this seems to be turning into a health blog. Grrr.

Unfortunately, it seems like my health has a strong positive correlation with progress on my dissertation. That being said, my health as of late hasn't been so good. My head is fuzzy most of the time due to barely getting any nutrition, pain medication and not being able to sleep much. Or I'm in a great deal of pain and have a hard time writing when lying down and having my knees about an inch from my chin.

It is so very frustrating to me that I'm not posting about getting in another draft to my advisor. By this time, It would have been a 3rd or 4th draft. I haven't even completed all of the revisions from my 1st draft. This makes me more frustrated than the effect of whatever it is that I have.

Finally got an appointment with the doc yesterday. Good news: he was great, spent time with me, I got an increase in dosage of medication that is supposed to treat the inflammation and more pain medications. While i hate taking them, I need them some days. I get a horrid migraine the next day and I'm not able to work when I'm on them either.

Oh the inflammation. That's kind of the bad news. When I was in the hospital, I was told that my large intestine (my colon) was inflamed. Yesterday the doc said that my small intestine was inflamed as well. And that he really thinks it is an inflammatory bowel disease. Bummer. But - they can't know what is going on without looking inside.

Looking inside, as Robin Williams describes it, involves a piece of equipment that is essentially a video camera on the end of a roto-rooter. That will be going up 5 feet of my colon. Yay!

However this test should give the doctor a pretty good idea as to what is going on. Even if it is Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn's, at least I'll know and be able to treat it properly.

Well I've got a meeting to make (about my dissertation) in about an hour and 15 minutes. Luckily, I've got an understanding advisor.

Shit...just stood up to get ready...heartbeat was 109. My normal heart rate is about 65. No meeting today. GRRRRRRRRR. Freaking side effect. Nurse said to discontinue medication. Fabulous.

I get to live the life of a 50 year old...On Monday my colon will be starring in it's 1st feature film.

How am I? I'm great...wait a second....

So I was talking on the phone today and was asked the customary "How are you?" By reflex I replied, "Great!"

Except I wasn't great. The follow up, "How are you feeling?" kinda blew my cover. Although I wasn't intentionally hiding anything.

So how I'm a feeling? Terrible, to be honest. I'm in pain more often and I am afraid to eat much, lest it causes more pain. I also had the realization that I am not improving. I've been getting worse in the last week. Today, it hurt to drink water. Water. Digesting water should not be a big deal, much less cause pain. That concerns me quite a bit. I can go on eating very little for quite some time...or at least until my dr's appointment in 2 weeks. I cannot, however, go without drinking liquid until then. A few days without drinking = hospital. Luckily I did manage to get down more water and a little bit of food. I have some pain, but it is not too bad. I really, really want to avoid the hospital. I'm hoping to be able to eat at least a little on Thanksgiving, but not going to push it. Too much pain and I'll have to go back to liquids only.

I am very much looking forward to going home for thanksgiving and seeing my family and friends. I am not, however, looking forward to driving the 3.5 hrs to get there. My level of fatigue is ridiculous. Just going to the drugstore today wiped me out. Taking a shower wipes me out. I am ridiculously tired all of the time. My brain isn't functioning well - my dissertation has gone over a week without me even opening the document.

I'm getting very tired of not being able to do things and any possible plans that come up i have to say, "I'll have to see how I feel". And most of the time, I feel terrible. Sometimes my goal for the day is to leave my apartment. I don't always achieve that goal.

I can't wait until I feel well enough to go to the gym, go for a hike, go out to dinner, go to school...without worrying that I'll end up in pain or so exhausted I won't be able to get back home.

And my brain has stopped working. I had more to write, but i can't remember what it was

it's my life and I'll cry if i want to

The last couple of weeks have been stressful to say the least. There is some ambiguity in my current health status, although hopefully test will show a conclusive diagnosis. And there is the all-important question: How will I pay for all of this?

Like most people, I've developed a lot of anxiety over money. Money has been tight for some time; no employment will do that to people. I can't imagine finding a way to pay for medical expenses at this time. Even a small payment plan seems daunting.

And my dissertation is suffering from this. I think I'm using illness as an excuse not to work on it very much. I'm still doing it every day (yesterday was day 8), but not much work at all. Much less than I could do.

After a poor night's sleep complete with nightmares, I succumbed to a crying fit. And guess what? I felt better afterward. I know people mean well when they tell someone not to cry, but sometimes it is precisely what is needed. The act of crying isn't a horrible thing; the sadness, anxiety and frustration is what is bad. So what if a good cry is needed to refocus? Sometimes, it is exactly what I need.

The streak is over - back to day 1

Well, I'd been doing really well on working on my dissertation every single day. In fact, I'd hit 55 days in a row. I was planning to reward myself with something when I hit 60...but that didn't happen.

So what happened? I ended up in the hospital for 4 days. Yikes - didn't see that one coming!

I went to the ER on Monday evening with extreme abdominal pain. Really, really bad. After 4 hours in the waiting room and another hour in the exam room, someone finally came to see me. An x-ray was ordered as well as some pain medication. The pain medication took ANOTHER hour to get there! So I finally got some relief - but it took 3 shots of morphine over the next couple of hours to do it! Seriously, I've NEVER been in that much pain in my life. And I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

So the x-ray came back and it was decided I needed a CT scan. After that came back (hours later) they decided to admit me. Diagnosis - colitis. Cause - ????

To make a long story short, they kept me in there until Friday afternoon. I couldn't have any more tests because of all of the inflammation so they basically observed me. I need to schedule some tests and a follow up in a couple of weeks.

So I didn't work on my dissertation for an entire week, until last night. So today is day 2. And I'll be at least a week behind on my goal of getting revisions to my advisor. So proposing this semester doesn't seem feasible at this point. Oh well - there was not a whole lot I could do about the situation. Hopefully I will continue to get better and make progress on my diss!!!

where my girls at?

...is a question I've been asking myself for awhile. Due to my absence most weekends in the AK, I've really not had much of a social life.

Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty girls to hang with (if their/my schedule permits) in my home state. But here....here I'm kind of alone.

Sure, there are department gatherings...but I feel like I'm a relic from earlier times. An artifact of year's past. Everyone I've met in the department are great....but there is a clear age gap. I need some ladies my own age to hang with. And I mean ladies. I need a ladies' night. Badly. I need to make more of an effort to find those ladies.

32 days and counting....

I've just completed my 32nd day in a row working on my dissertation. Granted, today was a small workday, but I can say I got something done. Goal is still to finish a draft of the dissertation proposal by October 15th. Still freaks me out a bit. It certainly doesn't have to be perfect, but it still seems like a huge task.

I feel like I've been through rehab...with 32 days of productivity. Luckily, alcohol is permitted in dissertation rehab. Perhaps my dissertation can be dedicated to all of the breweries, wineries and meaderies of the products I've consumed during the process :-) Oh, and all of the chocolate.

Oh noes! Iz not redy yet!

see more dog and puppy pictures

Hmmmm, what to say...

In a couple of weeks, the department will have its annual picnic. I didn't go last year...come to think of it don't think I went the year before. But in my pursuit of being (marginally) social, I'm thinking about attending.

So why wouldn't I go? Not because people aren't awesome (well, the one's i know are awesome...and we have a tradition of bringing awesome people in). Or that the food and wine aren't good (they are). So why would I have any trepidation in going????

Well....everyone includes their year in grad school during introductions. Problem is, my year is too obscene to reveal! I don't even think about what year I am myself. Honestly. Also, my general bitterness about graduate school might shine through as well. I'm kind of a poor example of a graduate student....I'm still here!

Second....I feel old. I've seen so many incoming classes come in...and in the last couple of years, I've become aware of a generation gap. Yes, a generation gap.

And third; the department is different. Vastly different than when I was in the first few years of grad school. Students have changed (of course), a few faculty changes, and department norms are different. Hell, I'm not even sure if the department as a whole drinks good beer. If not, that is a tragedy. I learned about good beer my first few years in grad school. It should be part of the socialization process!!!

And of course, I miss my former classmates of years above and below (yes, plenty of them have graduated before me). On to bigger and better things...and soon (hopefully) so will I.

Still going :-)

So my last post about goals? Well I've....stuck to them thus far :-)

So far 6 days of dissertation work in a row. Not a ton of work each day, but i'm making progress and moving forward. Also, I'm turning in a draft of chapter 1 on Friday. I'll also be out of town for part of the week, but i'll get it done. I'm going to make sure of it.

Working on the dissertation EVERY DAY is very important to me. It keeps the topic fresh in my mind and it helps me keep momentum. I can be anything from reading an article, to writing a paragraph...just SOMETHING. I really need to do it every day to keep it a habit. Not 5 days a week, but everyday. I need to learn to work on it every day no matter where I am at the time. This week should prove to be a good test.

The meeting on Friday went really well - gave me confirmation that I have a good topic and that external validity isn't everything (especially on a topic that is largely unexplored). It also gave me a little kick in the butt.

So...go go gadget motivation!!!

Goals

So once again, I'm making a list of goals for the new school year. This feels a little tiresome, as I seem to make lists of goals every semester that never pan out. It is my fault completely, but the more I fail (because I didn't try) the more I believe that finishing my PhD is a goal that is out of reach. I'm trying to keep myself motivated and believing in myself, but it is much easier said than done. I'm hoping to keep my promises this time and really give it that "old college try".

Goals for 2010-2011

Finish dissertation by August 2011
- Propose by end of Fall 2010 semester

• Have a rough draft of proposal by October 15

• Get IRB approval by January 2011

• Data collection Spring 2011
• Have a complete draft done by July 1, 2011

• Finish writing in summer 2011
• Defend August 2011

How to accomplish above goals:
- Work on dissertation daily
- Be committed to the above goals
- Minimize distractions and negativity
- Overcome obstacles
- Develop plans to overcome obstacles
- Seek guidance and social support when needed.

Foreseeable obstacles
- Losing momentum/motivation
- Letting anxiety and fear overwhelm me
- Not believing that I can do it
- Financial difficulties
- Being out of town often
- Comparing my progress to others and feeling inadequate
- Previous failures discouraging me

This is not an exhaustive list, but a good start :-)

kommunikashun

is good.

the power of culture....

I've been back from Germany for about a month and a half now. The adjustment to living there took time. Surprisingly, so did the adjustment to coming back to the US.

It wasn't driving, or not walking everywhere that was hard to re-adjust to (although it was weird for a week or so). It was the changes in myself.

I came back from Germany a new person; with a new body (+20 lbs) and seemingly a new personality. I'm getting used to both right now. Not understanding the local language quiets even the most boisterous extrovert. Not to mention dampening my sense of humor...really hard to crack jokes in German if you don't actually speak, write or understand German.

Plus I've come back to a huge stack of medical bills...and an insurance company in which dropped me because I was "ineligible for coverage". They didn't determine that until I submitted a claim. Turns out I'm short one credit hour...and always have been! They never checked my enrollment, but issued me a new insurance card anyway. I'm gonna get a lawyer...if I can afford one. And I'm currently unemployed with no prospects on the horizon. *sigh*

I guess life could be a little (or a lot) easier right now. However, I'm with an amazing guy who makes everyday just a little bit easier...and a lot happier.

hiding...somewhere

Back to writing, back to...painting? I did every once in a blue moon before I moved. I found my painting stuff and had at it with my watercolors.

I am not an artist, nor do I claim to be, but there is something inherent in me that just paints...not thinking. I like that, being confident in what I'm doing, knowing that no one else will see the painting, so I can do what i like; that it is MY creation. I paint what i feel, so it's usually pretty abstract.

Painting can bring up emotions. I started just having a little fun, not really painting much of anything. Suddenly I became overcame with tears. Not like a few...but wrenching, sobbing, scare the neighbors type crying. Why?

I think painting was an escape valve for my emotions. In Germany, I became a "stuffer"; someone that does not show her emotions. This is very much unlike me but it is an example of how powerful culture is in shaping our behavior.

When I was in Germany, a number of things happened. The most difficult, however, was the loss of a good friend from college; someone who I saw daily. We had lost touch, but that didn't minimize the hurt of losing her. Sure, I tried a little at times, but always having roommates and not wanting anyone to see me upset, I swallowed the lump in my throat and went on with my day.

I've not really given myself the chance to fully grieve her loss. I was not able to attend her funeral or her memorial service. I did write a letter to her family and visited her grave....but I haven't really felt it for more than a few minutes at a time, then everything would shut off. My grief has been like a faucet that automatically shuts off...like my brain is like, "Ok, 2 minutes is enough. No more".

I forgot how much I missed her until today. I haven't thought of her in a long time. I haven't wanted to...I can't think about her without bringing up the anger I have. She was only 30. IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR.

I try to think about what a wonderful person she was, how inspiring she was. But I can't seem to get over the "was". Not "is", but "was". It's been over 3 months, but today it feels fresh, like it happened yesterday.

I love and miss you, dear friend. This colorful, abstract, nonsensical watercolor is for you <3