hiding...somewhere

Back to writing, back to...painting? I did every once in a blue moon before I moved. I found my painting stuff and had at it with my watercolors.

I am not an artist, nor do I claim to be, but there is something inherent in me that just paints...not thinking. I like that, being confident in what I'm doing, knowing that no one else will see the painting, so I can do what i like; that it is MY creation. I paint what i feel, so it's usually pretty abstract.

Painting can bring up emotions. I started just having a little fun, not really painting much of anything. Suddenly I became overcame with tears. Not like a few...but wrenching, sobbing, scare the neighbors type crying. Why?

I think painting was an escape valve for my emotions. In Germany, I became a "stuffer"; someone that does not show her emotions. This is very much unlike me but it is an example of how powerful culture is in shaping our behavior.

When I was in Germany, a number of things happened. The most difficult, however, was the loss of a good friend from college; someone who I saw daily. We had lost touch, but that didn't minimize the hurt of losing her. Sure, I tried a little at times, but always having roommates and not wanting anyone to see me upset, I swallowed the lump in my throat and went on with my day.

I've not really given myself the chance to fully grieve her loss. I was not able to attend her funeral or her memorial service. I did write a letter to her family and visited her grave....but I haven't really felt it for more than a few minutes at a time, then everything would shut off. My grief has been like a faucet that automatically shuts off...like my brain is like, "Ok, 2 minutes is enough. No more".

I forgot how much I missed her until today. I haven't thought of her in a long time. I haven't wanted to...I can't think about her without bringing up the anger I have. She was only 30. IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR.

I try to think about what a wonderful person she was, how inspiring she was. But I can't seem to get over the "was". Not "is", but "was". It's been over 3 months, but today it feels fresh, like it happened yesterday.

I love and miss you, dear friend. This colorful, abstract, nonsensical watercolor is for you <3