Old, bitter, and alone

I'm at school, sorta trying to do some work. Began making slides for intro. Last time I taught intro was 4 years ago, and the book was in chapters. Now it's in 40 modules…great. Meant to be more digestible, but students never read the book anyway. Not looking forward to having to be here all the time. I will in the fall. I really, really need to go on a roadtrip. Yes, I've been travelling a lot lately, but not on a roadtrip!

I'm tired and bitter right now – didn't sleep much. The department is too quiet…although it is summer and after 5pm, so I should expect it. And there is happy hour right now – where I was not informed. Wasn't going to go anyway – not too happy, and being in the presence of alcohol would probably be a bad thing. Bad mood + alcohol = really bad mood which may include extremely negative sarcasm that makes people uncomfortable, getting very upset, and/or rage. Usually not rage, but it's happened once before. It was not good. All of the above is often followed by vomiting and hangovers. So no happy hour for me. More oreos may be in order though.

Meetings were cancelled today – was offered phone meeting tomorrow or Friday. Must avoid – should just say I'm working on it and I'll communicate via email. Really, really don't care right now – I just want to get out of here. B'ham is in 3 days – need to get ready. I have no clothes to wear.

One thing I'm not bitter about is all of the awesome friends I have. Love you guys!

Dissertation...who cares? I don’t.

Yet another day in which I do no work. I wanted to…I just never made it to my office…or got the articles out of my bag, or even opened the document. I have a meeting tomorrow – so screwed. I'm not going to be around next week (I'll be in 'bama) either, so I should have something to talk about at least. I really don't care at the moment though.

I'm less upset about the breakup today than yesterday (i.e. my box of tissues is no longer attached to me). Still pretty sad about it though. It was a very good relationship with an unbelievably good guy. I'm very sad that I couldn't make it work, that I couldn't be what he deserves.

Must go in tomorrow – don't really have much of a choice. I'd better get to school early…I've got a lot to do.

Taking the puffy red-eye…

I'm back after a weekend in LA for a wedding. Our 10:30pm flight from LAX ended up taking off at 1:26am – that's Pacific Time! We didn't get back to Columbus until almost 9am and didn't get back home until 12:30 pm today. Still pretty tired. And sad. The trip marked the beginning of a lifelong relationship for some (the bride & groom) and unfortunately, the end of a relationship for us.

When humor fails

To my advisor, at least. All of my attempts at humor (as a way to break the ice and feel more comfortable) fail miserably. Come on! I'm funny sometimes, or at least I get sympathy laughs! The only time I've gotten a laugh out of him is when I've been serious and not intending to be funny. I like to start meetings with a funny story or a joke. Never works at meeting time. I shouldn't even try anymore; it sucks to look at either a blank face or a look that says "let's just get on with the meeting". Small talk doesn't seem to work either.

Meeting actually went ok – he had sent some comments and suggestions to me a few days ago and I asked questions about them and presented ideas. Questions, understood. Ideas…not so much. I guess I don't explain things very well. Got a lab meeting in a few minutes. Hopefully it won't last long. We haven't made real progress on this study in a long time. We've been working on an idea for a year now. I'm hoping I can limit my involvement. That's kind of a bad attitude to have, but that's how I feel. I'm a 6^th year – I think I'm entitled be bitter. Honestly, I just want to get my dissertation done and get out of here. *sigh*

Another Monday, another revision…

Got the revisions back from the paper I sent on Monday. Actually, I got them on Wednesday but didn't open the attachment (avoid, avoid, avoid). Of course, I had some "logic issues". Don't I always! I never seem to explain things clearly. Or I connect things in my mind without writing them down. At least I got something done…I guess. It seems like little consolation when I have to rework my whole mini-proposal. This is one of the days that I want to get a job and forever be ABD. I know I'd regret it later, though.

The thing is, this is not the first time I've had to do major revisions. I often do, actually. Especially when it's the beginning of a new project. It's just that this time I actually thought it was good. Damn. I never think it is good. When I do, and it's not, it sucks.

This is the thing that discouraged me from going academic – the endless revisions. And the "publish or perish" thing. And the low pay. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to actually finish things. Even if a paper gets done and published, there's always the next article to write on the subject. No thanks.

I wish I could get these hypotheses settled and work from there. I don't like working from my advisors paper – even though I like the idea and it's a good paper. It's a little nerve-wracking to write about someone else's findings as a way to provide evidence for your hypotheses. I guess it's good for clarification, but I'm always afraid I'll be wrong about the interpretation.

Well, I should keep forcing myself to do this. My strategy right now is to write the first thing that I think of when I read his comments as a comment of my own. It might be a defense of my argument, or what I need to do to answer the question. It would probably be faster just to do the changes, but that seems overwhelming right now. At least I feel like I'm working on something.

The wonders of air travel...

After a trip to Savannah to visit my Grandma, I’m back in Akron. Actually, I’ve been back since Thursday night. I actually had a fairly good experience flying United. My flights were on time, even early except for one. And I connected at O’Hare? When does that happen? I was supposed to connect in Dulles, then O’Hare, and then back to Akron. The flight to Dulles was delayed and the gate agent automatically rebooked me straight to Chicago, with an exit row seat! Talk about southern hospitality! I did, however, have to spend 5 hours in the Savannah airport. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very nice airport. But it is very small – 15 gates. I did get a good nap on my backpack though.

Once I got to Chicago, I had 2.5 hours to kill. I ended up walking most of it – finally got some exercise after a week of not running J . The shuttle bus that I had to take to get to another terminal was crazy! It haphazardly drove on the tarmac, zipping past planes being towed to/from that gate!

The flight to Akron was…interesting to say the least. When the gate agent announces “Attention passengers: I have some news for you”, it can never be good. It turns out the air-conditioning was broken! We did have the option of rebooking the next day. I considered it, but I was tired and just wanted to get back home. Another announcement was made that it was currently 95 degree in the aircraft…great. Luckily, I had a tank top on underneath my long sleeved shirt (I’m usually cold on planes), and I was sitting in 2D (still coach, small plane). I did get some breeze when the door was open. I can’t imagine how hot the people in the back must have been!

We sat there for awhile before takeoff – say 30 minutes or so. The air-conditioning was working once we were in flight – yay! Luckily, I was seated near to people that had a sense of humor. I always seem to be lucky in that respect, whether I make the first snide comment or not. The guy next to me was an industrial engineer and we talked about I/O stuff on the way back. Good conversation, for sure. I’m sure I annoyed people that were trying to sleep.

A sidenote that I forgot to mention – I almost got arrested at the Akron/Canton airport on the way there! My backpack had to be gate-checked last minute, so I got off the plane to give it to the guy loading the luggage on the plane (it was one of those you board using the stairs). I got too close to the wing and when I got back on; the flight attendants told me that normally they arrest people for that. I had to promise to never do it again. The flight attendant from that flight ended up being on the flight on my way back too! I avoided her gaze…

I’ll be going to LA Friday through Sunday this week. Direct from C-bus. Kind of a drive, but the only ticket I could afford. Red-eye w/middle seat on the way back. Hopefully I’ll be too tired to care…

A metaphor for the dissertation process

Due to recently spending a lot of time in airports, I've been thinking how much the dissertation process mimics the air travel. 5 hours in Savannah's airport will do that to you J

Pilot = advisor

Flight attendants = committee

Delay = failed idea

Cancellation = thanks for playing!

Taxiing to the runway = approval of the idea, working toward the proposal

Taking off = proposing dissertation

Cruising altitude = data collection, writing up results

Landing = finishing draft of dissertation

Taxiing to gate = defending dissertation

Getting off the plane = successful defense!

Getting you bags & leaving the airport = graduation!

You're obviously hoping that your flight at ABD airport doesn't get delayed and runs smoothly. But often, flights get delayed (failed idea); although they don't get cancelled very often (remember the metaphor, not the reality of air travel lately). But once you leave the gate, it doesn't mean you'll take off right away. You may get parked on the tarmac or be 10^th in line for takeoff (backlog of dissertation proposals/defenses for committee members). Sometimes you get the front of the line, but your pilot and flight attendants determine that you're not ready for takeoff, that you have a mechanical problem and have to go the hangar for repair (major revisions, may have to propose again). Repairs often take awhile, and your classmates seem to taking off without you.

You get back to the runway and your pilot and flight crew give you the go-ahead to finally take off (successful proposal). Once you reach cruising altitude, however, it is not always a smooth ride. Turbulence (such as having trouble recruiting subjects, getting wacky results) may cause you to hit your head repeatedly (on your desk). Somehow, the ride does smooth out (hopefully no emergency landings!) and you get ready to land with the first draft of dissertation. You may be on the ground, but you aren't nearly as close to the gate as you think you are. Taxiing to the gate may take a very long time (many revisions). You may even have to park on the tarmac if your pilot goes MIA.

When you do arrive at the gate (after you track down your pilot or find a new one), you have to stay on the plane for awhile while your pilot and flight attendants hurl pieces of carry-on luggage at you (questions; they hurt just as badly) at you before you can get out. Or you might not get to get out now (failed dissertation defense) – you might have to taxi to another gate first (defense #2). And it might take awhile. When you are allowed to exit the plane, you are welcomed into PhD airport. Yay, you're a doctor! But wait, not quite finished yet, before you pick up your bags, you have to make revisions and format your diss for publication. You get your checked bags (diploma!).

Where to now? Oh, crap…probably should decide where to go after leaving PhD airport…

Still not quite there

Ok, it's Saturday afternoon, and I still haven't sent in my mini-proposal. I was able to do some work on it yesterday, however. Not enough to finish. I've started using a timer in 5 minute increments – I figured I could tolerate it for 5 minutes. I ended up working longer than that, but I got distracted by some other things and stopped the whole interval thing. To calm my worries (at least a little) I wrote them down and possible responses to them:

• I'm afraid the idea will suck and it will be incomplete
  
  • Of course it will be incomplete – it's a very rough first draft
    
  • Advisor can help me find more hypotheses and clarify the methodology
    
• That my writing will be bad and I won't be able to convey my ideas.
  
  • Advisor can ask questions and I will try to explain them better.
    
• Since I turned this in late, that it must be thoroughly thought out and well-written.
  
  • Can't turn it in on time now – I missed that boat on Wednesday
    
  • More important to turn SOMETHING in than worry about perfection.
    
• I'm afraid of all of the things wrong with my idea; all of the weaknesses
  
  • Shouldn't worry about this now; will refine later
    
  • Every study has weaknesses
    
• I forget that I don't have to do this all on my own
  
  • I'm not used to having an advisor to meet with me and help me.
    
    • I need to remember that he is there to help and advise; he is not my adversary, he is my ally.
      

I know I should do it today, but I have a BBQ to go to (priorities – I'll be meeting some of the newbies!) and I have to get ready – it already started. I managed to bake some cookies – chocolate and peanut butter chip (yummy) so I have something to bring.

I haven't emailed my advisor either to tell him why it's late – I figure I've given him too many excuses already. I really should, but I really can't tell him the truth (that working on it terrifies me, he intimidates me, and that I'm lazy). I really need to get this done….

Just can’t get it together

The last 2 days have been the longest, least productive days I've had in a very long time. Sure, I was on my computer for 10 hours yesterday…I wrote 3 words for my dissertation proposal. I'm seriously frozen with fear over this. It's really, really stupid, I know. I can write just fine. I'm not the greatest writer ever, but I can write research proposals. Not this one.

I was supposed to turn in the mini-proposal yesterday. I have no more done today than I did yesterday morning. Have I emailed my advisor about the delay? Of course not. What would I say? That I'm too scared to do it? True, but not acceptable. I shouldn't be this anxious about this. I'm making it worse the longer I drag this out. I just have no confidence in myself. At all. For my dissertation at least. I was able to get the book chapter revisions done earlier this week without a problem. I can write in my journal or my blog (obviously). Those are different. I seem to be shooting down my own ideas before I write them down.

I just can't seem to do it and don't believe that I'll actually get it done. I KNOW this is all in my head and that it's just up to me to just DO IT. I'm just having a great deal of trouble with that. I need to be able to turn off my brain to do it. Sounds weird, but I have so much anxiety and negative self-talk going on, I'm analyzing things very harshly before it get my ideas on paper. Thus, my ideas aren't on paper (or the computer screen). I wish I didn't think so much sometimes. More specifically, I wish I didn't analyze every single little thing that goes on in my life. It gets really tiring. So I'm exhausted, yet I get nothing done.

Someone smack me. Please?

Why do I always feel like I’m doing it wrong?

I've written numerous proposals. I've gotten ideas off the ground in an afternoon. Why can't I do this with my dissertation? I don't have a system for doing these things. I just kinda haphazardly write and read. Sometimes I read a lot before I write, sometimes I read as I write, and sometimes I write without knowing what the hell I'm writing about. Usually the last one. This is more than slightly problematic. I feel that I need to start writing RIGHT NOW so I start writing. Anything. Pretty soon I have 10 pages of fragmented ideas without connections. Those end up in my "failed dissertation topics" folder. Seriously, I have one named exactly that. It contains 10 documents. Not kidding. So I have been doing work; I just haven't gotten anywhere.

I have an idea, but don't really have an adequate path model (I think in path models) or methodology figured out. Somehow, I need to have one to figure out the other. I have neither.

I have great anxiety when even THINKING about my dissertation, much less working on it. I seriously freak out. Like I am right now. Then I avoid, or at least postpone. I feel like I'd rather do just about anything but my dissertation. Even cleaning out my garbage cans (scrubbing the insides & outsides, not merely taking out the trash) has been more appealing.

I want to come up with something simple that can be expanded. I said I'd have a mini-proposal done by tomorrow. If I can get my ideas together, it shouldn't be too much of a problem (procrastination does pay off sometimes)

I really wonder sometimes how I got through high school, let alone college and most of grad school working this way. I wonder how I get through LIFE this way.

How appropriate

more cat pictures

And the weekend is over…

Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! I got a chance to relax a bit, although I did have some work to do. Did I finish all of it? Of course not. I've got revisions due tomorrow. However, I did not specify what time tomorrowJ. He certainly won't have them at 9am. Noon? Maybe. Six? More likely. I'm going to try to get up early and get them done as fast as possible. Hopefully, the urgency to finish the revisions will be the same tomorrow morning. Does anyone find very urgent things not so urgent when you have to wake up early? I often turn off the alarm, decide that I can get 6 hours of work done in 2 hours, turn over and go back to sleep. Notice I didn't hit the snooze. I never seem to, then wake up at 11am when I intended to get up at 7am.

I'm not sleepy either. I hope I can get to sleep before 2am. I seem to lose track of time at night. Everything seems more interesting at night.

*sigh* I must be very productive this week. I seem to spend a lot of time at school, but I don't seem to get a lot of work done. If I could focus really well for a couple of hours, I could get so much done. I'm so distractible. Adult ADD? Or grad student apathy? I used to be scared shitless that I'd get kicked out for my first 3 years of grad school. That's powerful motivation. Sure, I can disappoint people (I can be really good at that), but it would be pretty damn hard to get kicked out now. No tests to fail. No real deadline for dissertation. Think we get 10 years (total) to obtain our PhDs before we have to take comps over. So, I need to finish by August 2013. I've got some time….

Focus, focus, focus!

Here it is July 4^th….and I'm in my office at school. I'm over-caffeinated and have a very short attention span. Fireworks start at 9:45 & I already have a parking spot (I got here at 5). The parking deck is the best place to watch them. I really could have gotten these revisions done tonight, but I must drag everything out as long as possible

*stares at picture on bulletin board and notices the progression of highlights in her hair. Wonders how she got so blond. Happy she got some lowlights this time*

Geez, I can't even focus long enough to write this blog post without random thoughts coming to mind.

*gum has lost its taste. Must replace. Where is gum? Ah, found it. Spearmint. Where's the pina colada flavor? I guess spearmint will do*

Is it 9:30 yet? Going to watch fireworks at 9:30.

*chomps on gum and looks around for something to amuse her. Nothing is*

So, my goals this weekend are the finish the book chapter revisions and get a good start on a mini-proposal for my dissertation.

*wonders why she can never type "dissertation" right the first time. It always ends up being my "disseration". Ooh, pretty purple flowers on calendar for July. Not sure what kind though. Wikipedia?*

Well, I've got 14 minutes; I should do a little more work.

*Wonders how many she needs to spin in chair to make self dizzy? Decides to find out….whee! *

What your computer is really telling you

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Ouch! Stop doing that!

While everything else seems to be going well or at least ok, my stomach is very, very angry at me. And has been for days. Could this be the ulcer I was promised 5 years ago? I already buy Zantac in bulk (Costco has a 95 pill bottle, fyi). Having similar pain to gallbladder attacks…except that I no longer have one. Is my gallbladder haunting me? I think so…