Um, I’ve been reading…

So, the university did actually close! So no meeting, right? Not quite. There was a request/strong suggestion for a phone meeting. I did what I always do; I emailed. Generally, meetings with my advisor last 5-10 minutes anyway. And I am doing what we said I would do: reading. I probably should have questions to ask, but I don't. I have a few ideas, but they are way incomplete (as in I'm not sure they even make sense) and I'm not ready to share them.

Sooo, I'm hoping that's enough. I should have more concrete hypotheses by next week. I should have written that in the email. Oh well.

I really want to get to the point in which I look forward to weekly meetings. Ok, at least not dread them.

I should update that dissertation journal…

So, it’s Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…

And I am up. I've been staying up ridiculously late…basically because I can. Then wake up ridiculously late, get to school at 2pm while feeling like a lazy schmuck. I then stay at school until 10:30 or so. 8 ½ hours of work isn't lazy schmuck-ish, but work that is done during the day seems to be more highly valued. People forget I go home at the time they go to bed and figure I head out at 4:30pm just like the most of the department. In actuality, no one probably notices/cares; 6^th year students are banished to the other side.

Actually, I get to school at 11am on Wednesdays for a meeting that I am rarely sufficiently prepared for. I spent all of the time in my office before I taught on Monday (a good 3 ½ hours) on teaching stuff. So I was going to work on my dissertation after. However, when I got back to my office at 9:30pm I was really, really tired. I stayed for another 45 minutes…working on teaching stuff.

Tuesday I was supposed to either 1) go to my office and work all day, or 2) stay at home and work all day. My subconscious, however picked option 3: Stay at home with articles sitting next to you without actually looking at them or open any written documents related to the dissertation while watching TV. After hearing of the monstrous snow storm expected (12-18", yo!) then 1) called Mom to complain, and 2) went grocery shopping. Majority of purchases were healthy and now she can sustain herself for the next day or so while potentially trapped in apartment (lol). I did need milk and *could* have used groceries, but I went out like I was going to starve to death if I didn't buy more food. I also spent 20 minutes putting on makeup, including eyeliner (which I rarely have the patience to put on and typically rub my eye and unknowingly smear it all over my face). I need to look my best while perusing the perishables.

Got back, watched a few episodes of Scrubs, wrote in my journal for awhile, chatted online, and ate dinner. Have no idea where rest of the time went. Suddenly around 11:30pm I started feeling a bit anxious. Somehow I didn't have the most productive of days. Therefore, I needed to polish my nails. Red. I haven't had polished nails since October and that was because of my sister's wedding. And when I do wear polish, it's usually like a really pale pink; the kind you can wear after half of it is chipped off without it looking horrible. Red is a bit high maintenance. I don't even wear red on my toes!

So they are polished. And they make my hands look even paler than they are which are quite ghostly. And seem a bit formal. While I've been a brunette, a blond, and a redhead (more auburn really) in the past year, somehow painting my nails red seems too attention-grabbing.

Yes, I've spent this long thinking about it. Why? I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow/today. I don't feel as prepared as I should be. I have done work, quite a bit actually, but nothing actually written…and not a whole lot considering hypotheses and whatnot. Been reading, thinking a little…still no real "proof" that I've been working. Gahhh!!! School may be canceled tomorrow, but I'm probably obligated to at least send an email about my ideas/what I've been working on. And no, I don't think attaching this blog would be a good way of showing proof of productivity.

So, I'm still up and compulsively eating a good deal of the groceries I bought earlier (See, I really did need to go shopping!) I've almost clicked on one of the several documents that contain ideas/writing dealing with my dissertation. However, I must check my friend stocks on Facebook, and then catch up on the PhD comics. So yeah, I'll probably be up all night. If the university doesn't close, I'll be really screwed.

Making progress…

Yes! I can honestly write this!!! I got "unstuck" and am actually working on my dissertation and getting something done! Woot! I really feel like this is going to work out, that I'm going to be motivated, that I'm going to make real progress instead of spinning my wheels.

I actually started a dissertation journal. I'm detailing what I did as well as how I felt when I did it. I'm hoping this will help me document the days that I do work, but it doesn't feel like I'm making progress. Also I'm hoping that if I admit in writing to myself that I did nothing on a particular day, it will motivate me. Also writing why I didn't should be helpful, especially if it is anxiety. Anxiety is my kryptonite; I can get so anxious from thinking about working on my dissertation that I don't start. Hopefully, writing it down will make me acknowledge it and move on.

It's funny; I write so much in so many places. There's this blog of course, my dissertation journal, my personal journal, poetry/prose about real or imagined events, and short stories. Sheesh. I enjoy a lot of it and I feel like it is helpful to get my thoughts and emotions in writing. Saves my friends from listening to me talk out my problems. I often have to talk through decisions. It's pretty much a monologue, it's like I have to hear the words come out of my mouth before I can think about them in a (fairly) objective way. So writing seems like a better alternative than 1) making friends listen to my hour-long monologue, or 2) talking to myself. Hmm, never tried that…

Sleeping super-late is good for my productivity…

I woke up at 1pm this afternoon. Surely nothing to do with staying up really late. However, I've gotten more done in the last hour and a half than I would have if I got up at 9am. Why? Guilt. Pure guilt. I feel so lazy, I need to make up for it. So I've been working frantically and will continue to do so until my guilt subsides.

So sleeping late can make me productive? Hmmm, I might be on to something. And I'm thankful that I don't live with anyone that wakes me up. Yet another reason to stay single and childless.

Sometimes you just have an epiphany…

I realized, as I was washing the pile of dirty dishes (and shaking my booty to Usher), that I am happy. Happy. I'm happy with myself. I crack myself up that I feel so happy doing dishes (you'd think I'd do them more often; I often wait until I'm eating cereal out of my 4 quart mixing bowl).

Sometimes I feel like I'm behind in life. I've often been late to do things. Given my age (28), many of my friends are married and have children. That is a wonderful but I often wonder 2 things: 1) when the hell will I ever be ready for that?, or 2) it would really be nice to have that cozy little family; to be settled. Lately, I've been stuck on the latter. I've been in school, gotten a couple of degrees, but I haven't bound myself legally to someone nor created a person. I guess I don't think about it too much, but creating another human being? That's amazing.

I guess you could say I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I got out of a long-term relationship 5.5 months ago. I'm not really missing that particular relationship per say (wonderful guy, just not right for me), but having that comfort being part of a couple and all the benefits that it entails. I see everyone's Facebook pictures of their wedding, their adorable kids. At times I feel frivolous, that what I'm doing is not important. Some people are making humans and taking care of them; I'm typing on a computer to write a paper that's going to be read by no more than 10 people.

When I was a child, I always wanted to be older, to have more privileges, to stay up later, to drive, to live on my own. It had to be great to do anything you wanted to whenever you wanted. And of course, like everyone else, I enjoyed the freedom, but also realized all of the responsibilities I had once I was an adult. And eating Taco Bell every day for a week got a little old (actually, I'm surprised I survived a week of Toxic Hell).

Lately I've only been thinking about the responsibilities, the obligations, the expectations that being an independent adult entails. All the stuff that I have to do. Bills, getting jobs, cleaning my apartment, making myself look like a responsible adult. All of that. I've forgotten about that childhood dream about having the freedom to stay out as late as I want, eating candy for breakfast, and having my own car, my own mobility.

And since I do live alone, I can do all sorts of weird stuff that other people don't see. I can dance around my bedroom to whatever comes over the radio. And I can sing along (anyone that's ever heard me sing knows that they don't want to be in earshot. I could give some of the tragic American Idol contestants a run for their money). I can try out weird booty shaking moves that should never be done in public (although I usually end up breaking those out after several glasses of wine at a wedding. Unfortunate, especially if the lucky couple has a videographer). I can eat cereal for dinner and no one will say anything. I can watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" without shame.

I've luckily had the good fortune to be able to teach this semester. Yeah, some things/people can get annoying (usually minor), but I love to teach. And I love that I have an audience to spout off to for 6 hrs a week. And I always have stories. Teaching is ALWAYS ripe for stories whether it's something weird a student does/says or that I do. If any of my former students are reading you probably have witnessed a few of them. Most of the funniest things usually come from a ridiculous statement/question/request one-on-one or a disaster barely averted (usually wardrobe malfunction). I actually had 2 students from 2 different classes 4 years apart utter the statement, "I am a very mature 20." One of them was prefaced by "you're not that old". Oh dear.

I have of these possibilities and opportunities, both personal and professional. All of these things that I CAN DO and that I HAVE NOW. I'm living in the present for a change.

Now if I'll you excuse me, I'm off to have Hershey's kisses and Christmas Ale for dinner.

I’m employed!!!

So in a weird turn of events, I'm teaching 2 sections of intro psych this semester. So relieved that I will have some income; I've been stressing this (and looking for jobs) for a couple of months.

In my second class I heard, "don't tell me that's the instructor. She's a baby!" Lol. Less of a baby than she thinks. I was all dressed up too; trying to look older than 12. Apparently I failed.

More good news – my knee was ok standing up for a couple of hours with the brace on. Having a little pain today, but no swelling. And it looks almost identical to my other knee. All good stuff.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty can be exciting or scary as hell. Usually is a combination of both. It involves waiting. And it seems that I am at the "waiting point" in just about every area of my life. My head is a jumble of emotions right now. I'm excited, scared, sad, anxious, hopeful.

In other news, my knee withstood 25 minutes on the recumbent bike without complaint. Not exactly the 5 miles I'm used to, but it's a start.

Waiting is driving me crazy…

Still waiting for that phone call or email that tells me whether or not I'll be teaching this semester. Its sort of a weird situation – the nursing school is involved somehow and the classes don't actually exist yet. So I have no idea how this will/would happen.

I'm figuring that if I don't hear anything by 5pm today, it won't be until Monday until I know. Luckily I've taught the course before, so I've got all of the materials. I'll at least decide on potential office hours and get-to-know-you activity.

*sigh* I hate waiting…

Hopes…hopefully not to high

It appears that there may be a last-minute teaching opportunity for me. 2 sections!!! I would be really, really happy if this comes through. I might not know until MONDAY, which is the 1^st day of the semester and the 1^st day of those classes!!! Crazy. Night classes at least. And I've taught the class before, so I wouldn't be completely unprepared. Thinking about preparing now…but I don't want to jinx it. I'm trying to be optimistic about it, but not expect it to happen. Contradictory I know.

Knee is continuing to improve; it is starting to resemble a knee. Went to my office for awhile and got all of the stuff out of my mailbox. I had 6 journals waiting for me. Tearing the plastic off of them was like opening Christmas presents, lol. Yay, more to read.

I'll update later when I know more…

Timing

You know the old cliché; "timing is everything"? Well, it seems to hold true in my life. I've gotten most of what I wanted in life but not always when I wanted it. And the things I didn't get? I believe I will get them/achieve them or I'll find that they are not as important to me as I thought. I have to remember also that I have some control over this timing. Not everything is under my control, but some things are. Most things in life, I feel like I am controlling as much as I can, there are other (i.e. the dissertation) that I'm not really working toward. I want to finish so badly; to finally get out of school and get a job, to have a life…yet I'm not doing much to achieve that goal. It is funny how I can be really good at controlling what I can in some areas of my life, and so bad at others.

I'm not expecting to be totally on top of things in my life; but I would like to say that I'm trying as hard as I can.

Life is NOT going to bring me down

I've had a lot going on lately, most of it negative. I'm trying to remember that there are always options, always opportunities SOMEWHERE as long as I look hard enough. They may not be ideal or even seem possible, but I believe there are always options.

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life, more than most people know about. I've always gotten myself through those dark times in my life. And I'll get through this. These are challenging times. I'm always better as the underdog. Don't believe in me? Awesome. I'll prove you wrong. Sometimes (oftentimes) that person was me; telling me I can't do this (finish my thesis/comps/dissertation).

Unemployed? Yes I am. It sucks being uncertain of how I'm going to keep myself going financially. But I have mad KSAs (lol); I'll find something. Even if it is working for minimum wage. Not ideal, but may be necessary.

Hurt my knee? Yes I did. I'll be on crutches for a few days, maybe a week. And I won't get to run for awhile. But I'll get there. I'll be back. And luckily it doesn't look like I tore my ACL.

I'm sick of sabotaging myself, being afraid to succeed. I want to stop being afraid of failure. Being afraid of both leaves me stagnant. I want to progress, I want to graduate. I'd say that I'll stop being scared of these things, but it probably won't happen. All of the fear and uncertainty won't go away. I need to work THROUGH the fear and uncertainty.

All of this sounds like a cliché New Year's resolution, but that's how I feel right now. Sometimes I just get inspired…sometimes that the only thing I feel like I can control.

Really hoping 2009 will get better…

Just a warning: this will probably be a depressing post.

As posted previously, I have failed to secure a job for this semester. Still looking, but it is depressing to get a tuition bill in the mail and not knowing how to pay it. I think I've also mentioned my battles with getting health insurance. It seems like I have to rely on the school's plan, which isn't very good. However, it is the only insurance I can get. One small issue (or I thought it was) is that I had a 9 day gap between my previous insurance (covered until Jan 1^st) and the school's insurance (Begins Jan 9^th).

Unfortunately, I've managed to hurt myself. I went for a run last night and when I started I hear a snap. It hurt a few steps, then it snapped again and it was ok. So I ran 1.5 mile on it. Stopped to walk and found that my knee felt really swollen and out-of-place. Got back to my apartment to find that my left knee was twice its normal size. And it felt really weird – full of fluid and unstable. But I could walk on it at that point. Been icing on and off and elevating my leg. Then I couldn't walk on it, or straighten my leg completely (not even close). Woke up this morning – it is worse. Apparently I couldn't sleep it off. Also, I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store. I've got food, but not much.

All of my symptoms point to a torn ACL. I'm really hoping there is another explanation, but I can't find any other injury that explains my symptoms. I'll keep you posted when I know what it is.

I'm going to wait until tomorrow to go to the school clinic to have it looked at. I'm just a bit worried how I'm getting to the clinic. I can't walk more than a few steps. Also they'll probably want me to get x-rays (couple hundred dollars) and an MRI (a couple thousand dollars). I'm wondering if I wait until the 9^th to get the tests done that the insurance will cover it, but I doubt it. Yet another pre-existing condition. Fabulous.

Also have relationship-ish (not really a relationship, but close) issues. Not sure if it's going to work out. I'm hoping to keep it casual and fun, but that might be difficult. Haven't talked/texted since having this conversation.

Ok good things…good friends, family. I know people are here for me.

I'm trying to keep the faith that things will get better. And I've made it through worse things. I'll get through this.

Rules for gym, grad student edition

Rules to exercise by:

1. If you are wearing a sweatshirt and working out without sweating profusely, I hate you.
   
2. If you have to hold onto the railings of the treadmill, you are going too fast. Especially if you are holding on to the front railing and your feet are at the end of the treadmill.
   
3. Bulking up so much your arms no longer touch your sides is not attractive. Really.
   
4. If I'm gasping for breath, it is not the time to answer your questions, much less explain the difference between unconscious and preconsicious.
   
5. New treadmills shouldn't confuse me…and beep every time a key is pressed. This makes me feel old.
   
6. If the treadmill feels unstable and is loud when walking, don't run on it… for 20 minutes
   
7. People should NOT wear dirty gym clothes. The difference between old sweat and new sweat is noticeable. I have to go to a laundromat to wash my clothes, and I manage clean clothes for the gym. When running outside, however, feel free to reuse…as long as you are running solo.
   
8. If you decide to douse yourself in fragrance, use good cologne (men). No perfume for women. Yes, I have a double standard. I'm a sucker for men's cologne
   
9. If there are earbuds in my ears, assume I can't hear you. At the gym, they pretty much always are, so use exaggerated hand motions to get my attention
   
10. If you decide to talk on the phone while working out, be aware that 1) people will hate you, 2) people will know all of your business.
    
11. Don't drop your heavy weights on the floor. It scares the crap out of me and everyone else.
    
12. If I have underwear that covers more than your shorts (and I don't wear grannies), they are too short. Also might want to make sure there is no ass cheek exposure. Keep in mind that you'll be moving and clothing will shift.
    
13. Don't assume that I'm looking in your general direction that I'm looking at you. I have limited view from the treadmill, and I am usually watching tv.
    
14. Don't stand right behind me while I am running. I assume you are looking at my ass. I don't like that.
    
15. Do NOT, I repeat do not EVER make fun of anyone because of their size.
    
16. Wipe down the equipment. Seriously. Even if you don't think you sweat.
    
17. If you are one of my students, it is appropriate to 1) wave, 2) say hi, or 3) ignore me completely. If you are one of my former students there is option 4): you can approach and chat for a minute.
    
18. Don't make fun of how slow I'm running.
    
19. Lighten up on your landing when running on the treadmill. Be light on your feet – it is better for them anyway.
    
20. When filling up your water bottle, use the lower water fountain. Especially if there 6 people behind you.
    
21. Similar to 20, if you are using the big fountain, don't block the little fountain. A few people will drink out of it (i.e. me)
    
22. Note to vending machine people: don't let everything besides fruit punch be sold out until it is refilled. Especially the Gatorade.
    
23. When running on the indoor track, you don't have to stay in my lane so you pass me by the smallest possible margin. If I can smell the fabric softener on your clothes when the sleeve of your t-shirt touches my face, you are passing to close.
    
24. Some of us sweat profusely. We can't help it. We'll wipe up after ourselves (at least I will)
    
25. Women lift weights too. This does not mean that men should approach and "help" if not asked. Most of the time, we know what we are doing. Scram.
    

I wrote this awhile ago, but felt it especially appropriate for new year's resolutions.