I managed to make my life even more exciting. Still moving all of my stuff into a storage unit, internship in Germany next month, still tons of stuff to do. Now I've got a new challenge: moving without being able to drive. I've lost my driving privileges for 6 months.
How did I do this? I had a seizure on Sunday night at my brother's apartment, 2+ hrs from home.
I feel fine. I'm sure that I'm not as freaked out as my brother and sister-in-law, who witnessed me seizing. Apparently I stopped talking mid-sentence, passed out, then started seizing. I managed to bite my tongue and turned blue. I woke up a minute or so later, rather confused. My brother told me that I had had a seizure. I told him I hadn't. I thought that we were just sitting on the kitchen floor then I got tired and laid down. My brother cleverly told me that the paramedics were friends of his so I didn't fight (I don't have great insurance, so this is gonna be hella expensive). I was so out of it, I totally believed him. I didn't understand it until I got into the ambulance.
I spent 2 days in the hospital, had a bunch of tests done and found nothing wrong. Seems to be a one-time deal. I'm feeling just fine, but irritated that I don't have as much independence as I would like.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Perhaps that was an unaccredited online degree ya got there
Fun at the school clinic last week...
Nurse asks me if I've ever had a finger-stick to test my blood sugar. I told her not to test my blood sugar, but I mention that its the most painful part of donating blood. She then asks "do they just hook it up?", looking really confused. I really hope she wasn't referring to her finger...but who knows.
Nurse does not know how donating blood works. So I think she knows there is a needle and a bag involved...or does she think there is a tube directly in the donor's arm?
There was talk about food because she was testing me for low blood sugar. Somehow got into the conversation of weight loss. I mentioned that I lost ~70 pounds about 5 years ago. She then asked "Did you keep it off?" while looking right at me. No, I didn't. I used to weigh 60lbs...when i was 7.
A few potentially important things she forgot: She didn't weigh me. Or take my temperature. Or asked if I could be pregnant (no), if I had pain anywhere. Had to take my blood pressure 4 times, using the inflatable cuff.
Seriously, I wish I were kidding.
Nurse asks me if I've ever had a finger-stick to test my blood sugar. I told her not to test my blood sugar, but I mention that its the most painful part of donating blood. She then asks "do they just hook it up?", looking really confused. I really hope she wasn't referring to her finger...but who knows.
Nurse does not know how donating blood works. So I think she knows there is a needle and a bag involved...or does she think there is a tube directly in the donor's arm?
There was talk about food because she was testing me for low blood sugar. Somehow got into the conversation of weight loss. I mentioned that I lost ~70 pounds about 5 years ago. She then asked "Did you keep it off?" while looking right at me. No, I didn't. I used to weigh 60lbs...when i was 7.
A few potentially important things she forgot: She didn't weigh me. Or take my temperature. Or asked if I could be pregnant (no), if I had pain anywhere. Had to take my blood pressure 4 times, using the inflatable cuff.
Seriously, I wish I were kidding.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
And I wonder why people younger than me call me sweetie
Drive thru interaction.
"I'll have a #3"
"Coffee with that, right?"
"Um, no. Actually I'll um have apple juice.
Apple juice comes in a colorful juice box with Ronald McDonald. I wanted to say that I drink the hard stuff; Coffee gots nothing against 100% apple juice
"I'll have a #3"
"Coffee with that, right?"
"Um, no. Actually I'll um have apple juice.
Apple juice comes in a colorful juice box with Ronald McDonald. I wanted to say that I drink the hard stuff; Coffee gots nothing against 100% apple juice
Monday, December 7, 2009
More silliness
Ah a few questions I've stumbled upon on http://www.saviodsilva.net/silly-questions.htm
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in". but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why does ‘dyslexia’ have to be so hard to spell?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in". but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why does ‘dyslexia’ have to be so hard to spell?
oh texts from last night; so wrong yet so funny.
I'm still laughing about this one.
(508): Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
(339): No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
texts from last night
(508): Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
(339): No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
texts from last night
Hmmmm...
So my attention has been mostly turned to getting ready for the internship. All of these things that i "must do" I've put off. I do have a month, but it's only a month!!!!! and half of it will be spent in MI, around family and friends.
Other things have been occupying my brain. When are friends just friends? when are friends more than friends? And what about the middle ground? Do your feeling change because you want them to...or someone else wants them to? Or there are no feelings at all. Is it the loneliness? Can a spark grow where there was no spark before?
When I was young and naive, I thought there were 2 levels of relationships between me and a boy: friend or boyfriend. I was never told about the weird in-between space I seem to wind up in frequently.
A good deal of this is due to my fear of commitment (yes, chicks have this affliction too). I like companionship, I like pure and simple platonic friendships. I have a lot of male friends. I'm used to it. I like beer and sports and have been told more than a few times that "You think like a guy". Many of you would argue that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between men and women. Although I respectfully disagree, I will admit that some of my good friends today are those in which attraction on one (or both) sides once existed.
Many times those feelings fade. You found out more about this person and determine that you would be incompatible or to be completely honest, found that they do some things that you do not like. Despite these things, they are still worthy of being your friend.
I never seem to know what I have or don't have. I don't seem to have clarity about where I've stood with guys that I have been involved with in the past. In some ways it is exciting, however. Perhaps I crave that excitement. But there are the times where I want to cut out all of the bullshit and figure out what is really going on.
I'm not one to jump into a relationship quickly. There is so much pressure to be in one at my not-so-tender age. And once you're in own, people hound you to get married. And i might end up spending THE REST OF MY LIFE with a guy. Holy crap! That is terrifying. Will I always be terrified by this???
Other things have been occupying my brain. When are friends just friends? when are friends more than friends? And what about the middle ground? Do your feeling change because you want them to...or someone else wants them to? Or there are no feelings at all. Is it the loneliness? Can a spark grow where there was no spark before?
When I was young and naive, I thought there were 2 levels of relationships between me and a boy: friend or boyfriend. I was never told about the weird in-between space I seem to wind up in frequently.
A good deal of this is due to my fear of commitment (yes, chicks have this affliction too). I like companionship, I like pure and simple platonic friendships. I have a lot of male friends. I'm used to it. I like beer and sports and have been told more than a few times that "You think like a guy". Many of you would argue that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship between men and women. Although I respectfully disagree, I will admit that some of my good friends today are those in which attraction on one (or both) sides once existed.
Many times those feelings fade. You found out more about this person and determine that you would be incompatible or to be completely honest, found that they do some things that you do not like. Despite these things, they are still worthy of being your friend.
I never seem to know what I have or don't have. I don't seem to have clarity about where I've stood with guys that I have been involved with in the past. In some ways it is exciting, however. Perhaps I crave that excitement. But there are the times where I want to cut out all of the bullshit and figure out what is really going on.
I'm not one to jump into a relationship quickly. There is so much pressure to be in one at my not-so-tender age. And once you're in own, people hound you to get married. And i might end up spending THE REST OF MY LIFE with a guy. Holy crap! That is terrifying. Will I always be terrified by this???
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Up early...
Well, sorta. I'm up early....because I haven't gone to bed yet. I haven't felt sleepy enough to go to sleep. I still don't at 7:15am. Wonderful. The transition to German time will be load of fun. They are 6 hours AHEAD of Eastern Time. So it is 1:15pm in Germany. It would be so much better if it were 6 hours behind. 1:15am isn't a bad time to go to sleep...that's quite an improvement for me, actually.
I really need to go to bed at regular person times. I wish I could say that I spend the late night hours being useful...but I don't, for the most part. I've been writing some, but it is nonacademic writing and stuff that probably no one will ever read. I guess being creative for creativity's sake is something.
I really need to go to bed at regular person times. I wish I could say that I spend the late night hours being useful...but I don't, for the most part. I've been writing some, but it is nonacademic writing and stuff that probably no one will ever read. I guess being creative for creativity's sake is something.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Years down the road...wait, I'm there already???
When I started graduate school, I didn’t know what to expect several years down the road. I couldn’t imagine surviving past the 1st year! But I have. Hasn’t always been pretty, but I have.
One thing that helped me get through the first few years was my cohort. We went to the same classes, saw each other every day and hung out with each other on the weekends. We had Thursday nights at Don Pablos ($2.50 margaritas!) and spent a heck of a lot of time at 69 Taps, Jillians, Brubakers, and yes, Posh (its called Lux now). Bowling at Stonehedge, Luigi’s at 3am, and of course some kickin' parties at people’s apartments.
It's different now. Dissertating is a lonely process. We don’t have a “dissertation class” to go to where we see each other a couple of times a week. We work on this at home, or in offices far removed from the rest of the I/O side. Not that I don't appreciate my counseling office neighbors, it is nice to have people in the same situation as oneself. I never knew how lonely things would get. I never thought that I would be more unhappy as an ABD than i was studying for comps! At least with comps, we were all doing the same thing, at the same time. Also, still being in classes, we had a lot of moral support. Although there are plenty of others working on their dissertations still, a number are several years below me...so i never really see any of these people. I suppose it is my fault, I haven't exactly reached out to others.
Perhaps i need to acknowledge that things have changed, people have changed, the department has changed. I can't seem to let go of what was. In addition, I have a fear of getting too attached to others because it will suck when I (eventually) leave.
I hate saying goodbye. I avoid goodbye parties for people that I will miss very much, even though I would like to see them off. I detach early - it will hurt me less. It is a very selfish perspective to take.
One thing that helped me get through the first few years was my cohort. We went to the same classes, saw each other every day and hung out with each other on the weekends. We had Thursday nights at Don Pablos ($2.50 margaritas!) and spent a heck of a lot of time at 69 Taps, Jillians, Brubakers, and yes, Posh (its called Lux now). Bowling at Stonehedge, Luigi’s at 3am, and of course some kickin' parties at people’s apartments.
It's different now. Dissertating is a lonely process. We don’t have a “dissertation class” to go to where we see each other a couple of times a week. We work on this at home, or in offices far removed from the rest of the I/O side. Not that I don't appreciate my counseling office neighbors, it is nice to have people in the same situation as oneself. I never knew how lonely things would get. I never thought that I would be more unhappy as an ABD than i was studying for comps! At least with comps, we were all doing the same thing, at the same time. Also, still being in classes, we had a lot of moral support. Although there are plenty of others working on their dissertations still, a number are several years below me...so i never really see any of these people. I suppose it is my fault, I haven't exactly reached out to others.
Perhaps i need to acknowledge that things have changed, people have changed, the department has changed. I can't seem to let go of what was. In addition, I have a fear of getting too attached to others because it will suck when I (eventually) leave.
I hate saying goodbye. I avoid goodbye parties for people that I will miss very much, even though I would like to see them off. I detach early - it will hurt me less. It is a very selfish perspective to take.
Comfort foods
Its been so evident to me lately how strong the relationship is between food and memory. I've been finding myself seeking out foods that remind me of people I miss or pleasant situations. For my sister, it is sour gummy worms. I remember her eating an entire bag of them in the Walmart parking lot when we were younger. Whenever I eat any, I think of her.
For my brother, it is pizza rolls. Although I typically do not buy them myself; it only seems appropriate to take down half a box of them when we are hanging out.
This came to mind as I am eating a black bean veggie burger with ketchup, hold the bun. It reminds me of a friend I haven't seen in awhile, and the last time I did we had a great time together. Other things that reminds me of friends are cheese-filled garlic breadsticks, omelets, taco bell (numerous occasions and people), peanut butter cups, rum balls, lazy pancakes...and probably many more that I cannot remember at the moment.
Each time I eat any one of these foods I feel like these people are closer to me or I remember the situation in which we both consumed them or who would make them for me. Sometimes it causes me sadness, such as the softbatch chocolate cookies and sprite that my Grandpa would always have for us whenever we came over. He is no longer with us, but anytime I have either I think of him. I try to drink the sprite out of a plastic glass as he always served it to us. I've been missing him a lot lately, although it has been 9 years since he passed away. I know that he would be proud of all I've accomplished and excited that I would be going to Germany. He emigrated from there in 1929. He could help me with my German for sure :-)
I suppose I'm just feeling nostalgic and remembering that I have a lot of people that I miss. Food seems to help somewhat; feeling closer to those people brings up some memories and shenanigans that we engaged in :-)
For my brother, it is pizza rolls. Although I typically do not buy them myself; it only seems appropriate to take down half a box of them when we are hanging out.
This came to mind as I am eating a black bean veggie burger with ketchup, hold the bun. It reminds me of a friend I haven't seen in awhile, and the last time I did we had a great time together. Other things that reminds me of friends are cheese-filled garlic breadsticks, omelets, taco bell (numerous occasions and people), peanut butter cups, rum balls, lazy pancakes...and probably many more that I cannot remember at the moment.
Each time I eat any one of these foods I feel like these people are closer to me or I remember the situation in which we both consumed them or who would make them for me. Sometimes it causes me sadness, such as the softbatch chocolate cookies and sprite that my Grandpa would always have for us whenever we came over. He is no longer with us, but anytime I have either I think of him. I try to drink the sprite out of a plastic glass as he always served it to us. I've been missing him a lot lately, although it has been 9 years since he passed away. I know that he would be proud of all I've accomplished and excited that I would be going to Germany. He emigrated from there in 1929. He could help me with my German for sure :-)
I suppose I'm just feeling nostalgic and remembering that I have a lot of people that I miss. Food seems to help somewhat; feeling closer to those people brings up some memories and shenanigans that we engaged in :-)
And i'm laughing
Humor is a wonderful thing. It can make tense situations less tense, awkward moments less awkward, and embarrassing moments less embarrassing. It is also a way to laugh at ourselves, to be self-deprecating is to call out our faults first to be sure that no one else does. We laugh.
Humor is necessary for life; for getting along with others. Be being funny we can deflect serious events or feels like they are no big deal. If others think those things are no big deal, it makes it no big deal to us, right? Right?
Sometimes, not so much. Sometimes we ache to tell and show others how much things hurt, how alone we feel, how much we want to just be held. It is inappropriate to tell others this, or we are afraid to tell people things without a humorous component. So people kind of know what is going on, but believe it doesn't really affect us, that we truly feel as nonchalant as we tell people. And a confession of hurt + a touch of humor makes people less concerned. We want people to know what is going on, to understand the turmoil inside of us...but don't want to scare them off or to cause worry.
We smile when we tell others, crack a joke and move on in the conversation. No one stops it or questions how you felt or if they do, we say it is no big deal, it happened so long ago, it doesn't affect me now. While that is certainly true about some things, other things we are not so forthcoming. There are things that people should know about that we never talk about. things that will make others understand us more, that will explain some of our jacked-up behaviors. There is so much fear that others will find out and we will be looked at differently forever. That we will be looked at with pity, or we will be seen as damaged.
It is difficult to tell someone when we aren't doing so well without bumming them out or making them worry. Even if it is worthy of worrying.
Humor is necessary for life; for getting along with others. Be being funny we can deflect serious events or feels like they are no big deal. If others think those things are no big deal, it makes it no big deal to us, right? Right?
Sometimes, not so much. Sometimes we ache to tell and show others how much things hurt, how alone we feel, how much we want to just be held. It is inappropriate to tell others this, or we are afraid to tell people things without a humorous component. So people kind of know what is going on, but believe it doesn't really affect us, that we truly feel as nonchalant as we tell people. And a confession of hurt + a touch of humor makes people less concerned. We want people to know what is going on, to understand the turmoil inside of us...but don't want to scare them off or to cause worry.
We smile when we tell others, crack a joke and move on in the conversation. No one stops it or questions how you felt or if they do, we say it is no big deal, it happened so long ago, it doesn't affect me now. While that is certainly true about some things, other things we are not so forthcoming. There are things that people should know about that we never talk about. things that will make others understand us more, that will explain some of our jacked-up behaviors. There is so much fear that others will find out and we will be looked at differently forever. That we will be looked at with pity, or we will be seen as damaged.
It is difficult to tell someone when we aren't doing so well without bumming them out or making them worry. Even if it is worthy of worrying.
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