Getting used to having students again…

I'm not used to running into my students on campus. As I wrote before, it's been 2 years since I've taught undergrads. Forgetting to take this into account, I went to the gym this afternoon in workout pants that are just a wee bit too short to be full-length pants and a bit too long to be Capri pants. With these pants, I wore a very wrinkled (but clean!) t-shirt. Not that I usually dress up to go the gym, but I was looking particularly disheveled today.

Before I even get to the locker room, I see one. A student, that is. I emerge from the locker room with my mp3 player in its "holster". And by holster, I mean sports bra. In defense of this practice, keep in mind that I usually run outside. At night. I see another student right when I realized where I'm storing my tunes. I immediately think about, uh, retrieving it. Luckily I think twice; digging around in one's sports bra to fish out an mp3 player is not something to be done in front of other people. At least not when I'm walking in front of the cardio equipment.

I learned this lesson a few years ago when I lived a different apartment building with quite a few older tenants. My convenient mp3 player holder is often also sometimes used for storing my keys. I recall searching for them in front of the door to the building one night after a run. I say searching, because they decided to shift during my run. Somewhere. Now, these were the days of a bigger sports bra, so it took a minute or so to locate them. There was an older lady sitting outside, presumable to enjoy the warm summer night. I'm not sure what the lady thought I was doing; as she said, "that's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting". Diving for down my shirt for my keys/mp3player/cell phone is best done in private, I've concluded. Btw, my key was under my arm. In case you wanted to know.

It’s the weekend!!!

Finally! I'm hoping to get out and have some fun this weekend, but I also want to catch up with some work and make my apartment habitable again. I've been out of town so much, it's been neglected. So much clutter – paper mostly. Mail, articles, magazines, receipts, etc. I definitely want to have a good time this weekend, but catching up with everything and having a clean apartment will be good for me.

I ended up staying up really late last night – facebook is the devil! One last logon before I went to bed, but I got involved in a chat. Before I knew it, 3am rolled around. I had to be at school today in the morning. Went home after and planned to work on stuff, but I ended up taking a really long nap instead. So, I'm doing a bit of work (school and house) tonight instead. Ooh, and dateline is on…yes, I'm a nerd.

Despite the fact I'll probably doing a lot of work this weekend, I feel much calmer. I'll be so much more prepared, so hopefully less stress. Less stress à
J blogger. J blogger = funnier blogs. Yay!

I hate it when I succumb to feeling sorry for myself

Yet, it still happens. I kinda fell apart today. And I'm still in my office, although no longer crying (yes, I admit it – I was sniveling in my office with the lights out for awhile). I'm trying to avoid the tear-stained face exit. I wish I had a trap door. I find it interesting that I can admit to people that I've been crying in my office, but not actually show people.

It is cold (for august – low 60s), dreary, and raining outside. I am also sick. The latter in and of itself will often make me bawl. I've gone from pretending I have no commitments, to reality where I am accountable to a lot of people. I can't just up and leave – I've got meetings tomorrow and Friday and I have to teach 2 classes tomorrow. I'm completely overwhelmed.

After the meeting where I admitted I haven't really done much work on my dissertation this summer (which went badly on my part), I hid in my office. And felt sorry for myself because of the state of my dissertation, because I have no one to take care of me (even though I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself) when I'm sick, stroke my hair as I sleep. Actually, I do have someone that would - I just shouldn't ask him to. He was trying to help today. He used to be the first one I called whenever I felt bad. Even before I'd dealt with it myself. I can't have him help right now. I hope he understands that it would be bad for both of us. Trust me, it would.

I've really got to get myself out of this office, get myself some dinner, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I haven't really cried in awhile, and I can't really stop today for some reason. Everything will be okay. It will. It always is. I need to remember this. And I need to laugh. I always feel better when I laugh.

To anyone that is reading: Sorry I'm such a downer today.

It’s only Tuesday? Seriously?

Tired. Very tired. Managed to get through the day and taught my classes. The 2^nd class went better than the 1^st. Neither were bad, per say. I was a bit unorganized in the 1^st class. And I didn't know there were 2 entrances to my classroom – so I plowed through the desks to get to the front…were there was another door. No big deal. My computer had some issues connecting to the projector, but nothing major. I'm sure I looked nervous. Went through the syllabus, and how to use springboard. Then, I did people bingo. My saving grace. They were looking at me in near-hatred while I was going over syllabus and such, but people bingo was fun

People bingo is an activity I made up to introduce people to one another. Basically, it's a grid with descriptions of people (i.e. someone who is wearing sandals), or what they do (i.e. runner), or a movie they've seen (i.e. dark knight). The rule is that they should try to complete the whole page. It's a whole lot of fun. I get involved too – they always seem surprised when I do. I got the sign the "over 21" square a lot J. Kept them almost the whole time – didn't mean too! Second class went smoother – I was more organized.

Just got back from a run – I really didn't want to come back in, even though I've physically exhausted. I spent most of it thinking about what exactly I'm going to say to my advisor tomorrow about the 'ole dissertation. Yeah, that. I need to look over at what I'm actually doing – I barely remember. Not sure which tactic I'm going to go with – just focus on the semester ahead, or promise to do better and explain all of the stuff going on that has been distracting me from work. Probably should leave out the laziness out of it. No I think I'm just going to focus on the future…forget about the past and my half-assed work and excuses. I'm going to try really hard and just go forward instead of feeling incredibly guilty about being such a schmuck. It's not helping me…but I have a hard time not feeling guilty. Any suggestions to help me not lament on the past and just go forward?

The night before…teaching again

Today was technically the first day of the semester. I went to school, even though I didn't have to. I ended up being crazy busy all day – and added 5 meetings or appointments to my schedule for the rest of the week! I'm not taking classes (I'm done with them), yet my schedule is full. Commitments, I hate commitments. Although it appears I'm going to be playing intramural kickball! Sounds like a blast – I haven't played kickball for years. I'm definitely looking forward to it J.

Strangely, I'm a little nervous for tomorrow (or I guess I mean later today). I've taught plenty - 4 years…not lately. Freshmen were born in 1990!!!

Also, I'm realizing my clothes are old. I haven't taught since 05'-06'…and I wore some of those clothes then! Also, nothing fits right now. Not in the too tight way. In the too loose way. Poor, poor me, I know. But seriously, nothing fits right. I just look sloppy… like I can't afford clothes that fit. Which is actually true, but I'd rather not look that way. All of my casual clothes are like this, but I didn't really look at myself too closely.

It should be interesting to meet my students tomorrow…all 86 of them.

The first day…

I remember the first day I ever taught. It was 5 years ago; Fall 2003 (yes, I know I'm old). I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. I remember being awkward, reading the syllabus and stating requirements. My face was probably bright red. I managed it, though; as awkward as it was. I wasn't as bad as I thought I'd be. I'd had nightmares that I would get up in front of the class and not be able to speak. Or that I was naked.

Of course, has to be the naked dream. My naked dreams are weird though – the beginning of the dream I am clothed, or at least I think I am. It isn't until the middle of the dream that I realize I'm not wearing clothing. And that for some reason, I still have to go about my day…naked. Like there are no clothes I could wear anywhere. Seriously, there has to be someone that I could have bummed a sweater from!

Annnyyyway, I end up finishing the class and packing up my stuff, and sitting in one of the chairs in the front row. I couldn't believe that was it, yet I was exhausted. I was thinking "wow, I got through that!" I walk back to the department and into my office very pleased with myself. Until I sit down and realize that I'd have to do it again on Wednesday. And on Friday. And for the next 15 weeks. Yikes.

To be honest, my first year teaching was not fun. I had some difficult students and didn't know how to deal with them. Most people didn't have as much trouble. What can I say? I was kind of awkward. Second year and beyond it was fun. I enjoy being able to spout off for a few hours to a captive audience J.

The last day of summer…

Oh how sad it is. The last day of summer. How it goes so fast – how I didn't meet my goals. At least my academic ones. Ideally, I'd be about ready to propose my dissertation early in the semester. Right now, I'd just like to get my hypotheses settled so I can get on with it. It seems I really want to be done with school, but am not making the strides to do so. Kind of like a student that wants to get an A, but doesn't study. The dissertation isn't going to write itself.

I'm trying to strike a balance between being pushing myself to work harder than I want to and berating myself. I seem to end up doing the latter, and it helps no one. It's that voice that says "I suck", "I'm a bad writer", "I should be done with my proposal right now. I'm so freaking lazy". The fact that I have not done much work impedes me actually doing work. I'm feeling so guilty about not getting things done earlier that it makes me so anxious that I can't do the work now, which makes me feel worse, and things still don't get done. Cycle of negativity – I see it.

I really need to let it go; start fresh. Forget about my lack of progress previously – what matters is right now. I can't do anything about the past, but I can change the direction I'm going. I've not been happy with my academic progress, and I know it's just going to get worse if I don't change something and just do it. Just get the focus and do it! I need to quit apologizing for how little I got done this summer and just get on with it. Ok, perhaps I should apologize once, but leave it at that. My advisor wants me to do well, and expects me to (ok, that's questionable at this point). I should tell him that it is not a reflection of him (it's not). I'm a secondhand advisee – I haven't been molded for this. I've been molded for chasing advisors down the hall, pouting and stomping out of offices, reminding constantly that I exist, etc. This is a bit different…

Is a break really a break?

I haven't done much work lately – I keep believing that "the force" will come over me and I will suddenly be irresistibly drawn to the prospect of working 10 hours a day. Hell, how about 2 hours a day? That's more that I've been doing lately. Sad, but this has been the week between semesters – am I not entitled to a little (read: giant) break?

Breaks between semesters are seen very differently in undergrad vs. grad school. In undergrad, breaks were BREAKS; meaning no schoolwork, tests, and papers, anything school-related until the next semester began. In grad school….breaks are often not recognized or even noticed by students/faculty. Or should I say they are noticed (by students at least) but often must be disregarded due to a paper/thesis/dissertation/data collection, etc., that must be done. You know you're in grad school when you find yourself saying to yourself, "Sweet, winter break! Now I can catch up on my work and get ahead on my thesis! I'll be in great shape and not so stressed when the semester starts!" This is often followed by the break passing with little to none of your work getting done. So, you do get a "break" but feel guilty about not doing work every second of it. So you end up being even more stressed at the start of the next semester. You think, "even if I had spent 1hr a day, 1 HOUR, I wouldn't be in this mess. Why was that so hard for me?"

Of course, all of the above is what *I* end up thinking as well as conversations had with fellow grad students. I really wish I was one of these people. Person A: "I'm going to be really productive during the break. I'm also going to go see my grandma, my friend from college in Chicago, ski in Aspen, and redecorate my apartment". Person A actually achieves this, and also manages to volunteer for a soup kitchen on Christmas. Person A is a freakishly productive and organized over-achiever. I don't understand these people so well. I've never been an over-achiever. Well, maybe in elementary school, but after that….

Person B: "Screw this. This is a freakin' break. B-R-E-A-K. I'm not going to do ANYTHING school-related for the next 3 weeks. And I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks. They can call me lazy, but at least I'm going to manage to have fun in grad school once in awhile. ". Person B is a bad-ass. Or they are so freakin' jaded with school they don't care anymore (this is more typical for ABDers as it is damn near impossible to get kicked out now. Hell, getting kicked out sounds kinda good sometimes…)

I've been Person B before. The jaded, bitter person B. Hmm, jaded and bitter seems to be a very good description of how I've felt lately. So FYI: New 1^st years should stay away from me. Far, far away. And no, it's not that I don't like you guys; I think you are some of the coolest people I know that are 6 years younger than me. Ok, you might be the ONLY people I know that are 6 years younger than me. But still, you rock. I will crush your spirit.

On second thought, I have 5 years worth of grad school experience and I've learned (and experienced) a few things. Common thoughts:

• I'm not good enough to be in the program. It was a mistake – a clerical error. They are going to find out soon and kick me out.
  
  • Um, no. You're here for a reason. Do you know how much time faculty spend looking over applications? Seriously, get over it (okay, okay much more easier said than done)
    
• All of my classmates know more than I do.
  
  • Perhaps slightly. Everyone has different backgrounds and experiences. And research areas – the chick that keeps answering the prof's questions about performance appraisal may very well have done her honor's thesis on performance appraisal. You have experience in other areas.
    
• Why am I doing this to myself? WHY?
  
  • Can't answer this one…haven't figured it out myself.
    
• Will I ever have a real job?
  
  • Yes, you will. You may be 30 when it happens (I seem to be on this track) but it will happen.
    
• The people ahead of me know everything! They always know what they are doing.
  
  • Um, no. A thousand times no. We find ourselves confused as anyone on certain topics/projects (big secret: even profs don't even know what they are doing from time to time).
    
• Dude, are we seriously going to read all of those articles? Seriously?
  
  • Yes, yes you will. Learn to skim.
    
• What the hell is the speaker in the colloquium talking about? I don't know, but I should. I know I should. I must be really dumb/stupid/behind.
  
  • Absolutely not. Colloquia rarely are appropriate for all audience. I'm not saying you shouldn't go (you should, you really should; face time is important) but if you find yourself completely lost, it is okay. Colloquia are very rarely geared for 1^st year students.
    

There are even more that I can't remember at the moment. So feel free to approach me/comment, 1^st years. Just don't ask me about my dissertation.

All road trips come to an end…

So, I'm home. All of my stuff is still here (yay!) and so are the messes (boo!). Kinda tired right now but a few highlights on the drive:

Fangboner Rd (mile 91 on I-80 in ohio)

Welcome to Ohio…

(next sign)

Welcome Center: 48 miles

My head is fried right now…I'll update more later.

Road Trip!

So, was at my parent's late Friday until early Sunday. Got to eat, go shopping. Fun stuff. I decided go on a whim – gathered up a week's worth of stuff and got out of there. I'm in Chicago now for a couple of days. However, I still feel like driving around after that. Not sure even where to go. I just want to go. I need to remember, however, that I need to drive myself back as well!!!

I love the feeling of having no strings: at least for this week. No one needs me in Akron; no pets, people, or even plants J I am totally free! It's not too often that I can actually say that. Different story next week, as the semester starts and I will be teaching 2x a week. Luckily, it will be the middle of the week, so I'll still have time for road trips...hopefully.

Sometimes, everything DOES go well

Today was one of these days, pretty much. Ok, not everything, but enough to make it a very, very good day. It started off with a phone call to the dean that I'm working with. Apparently, the editors of the book we're writing a chapter for wants us to be in a symposium at SIOP!!! Yay! I promised that I'd get him a 750 word summary (of our 30 page book chapter) by Friday. Guess what? I finished it today! 7 words under – 743 words, baby! Always good when I finish something on time, even better early! Ok, I was procrastinating my dissertation (as always), but productive procrastination is still productivity!

Secondly, I received my teaching assignments for the fall. Both of the classes I got were times that I wanted! Tuesday & Thursday 1:45-3:00 & 3:15-4:30. In the same buildings and both are tech rooms. Sweet! Also, I got an overview of Springboard, which seems really cool. I used WebCt before, but Springboard is so much better. They can do their homework online and there is an IM option (that I can turn off when I want to, luckily). I'm actually getting really excited to teach again J

One interesting thing about my class roster: it appears that I have the son of my former advisor in my class! Weird, not sure what to do about that.

Olympics have been awesome too! I saw the 800 free relay and watched the US break the world record by almost 5 seconds and win the gold medal (Michael Phelp's 5^th). I love watching swimming…it takes me back to high school. I swam all 4 years, co-captain senior year. I wasn't very good, but I loved it. I'm so happy that swimming is getting more attention – it's an awesome sport, and people don't realize how dedicated swimmers need to be. Even in high school, it was really intense – 6 days a week. We had practice 5:30am – 6:45am and from 2:30pm - 6pm. TTH we lifted and ran in the morning instead of swimming. Saturdays, we'd swim from 6am – 9am. We had meets 2 days a week usually too. I was definitely in the best shape of my life…I ate soo much junk food though. After the meets, we'd have a huge buffet of snacks and desserts. We'd gorge ourselves and then go to McDonalds or Taco Bell afterward! We could eat 4000 calories a day and not gain weight. Ah, those were the days.

I should really pay attention

I'm back home after spending the week in b'ham doing assessments. Met some really cool people, per usual. I didn't get a chance to get to know them as I well as I would have liked to, however. Still, it was a pretty good trip (despite food poisoning!). I managed to get back on time, and US Air didn't lose my bag (I've never had one get lost – but I have a phobia of checking baggage)! Come to think of it, they didn't even charge me for checking it! Traveling to & from b'ham went as scheduled!!! I can't remember the last trip I've taken without at least one (usually severely) delayed flight.

One small incident, however. My flight left at 8am, and I caught the hotel shuttle at 6. Going to sleep early the night before didn't pan out, so I was really sleepy. I fell asleep immediately on the first flight – like right when I sat down; I don't even remember taking off. I do, however, remember landing. That's when I woke up…when we landed (and I was asleep leaning on the window) I slid forward and hit my head on the seat in front of me. Not hard, mind you, but enough to make my seatmate chuckle (and tried to stifle it; how polite). Apparently, I fell asleep so fast I forgot to tighten the seatbelt. Ooops.

Barf, sweat, & tears

I'm still in b'ham. I managed to get food poisoning on Monday. Of course, I had to order the biggest sushi/sashimi combo that the restaurant had. Apparently, bad idea. I'd been feeling pretty bad the last couple of days. Thus, I've been spending a lot of my time in my hotel room (i.e. not going out and meeting new people) – although I have managed to do all of my assessments. Thus, I am alone. Alone time means think time. Think time means sad time. Feeling bad physically makes it much worse.

I hadn't been able to work out (run) in 2 days. People have told me recently that I really must be dedicated to work out so often. I don't think about it that way. Dedication is very controlled, very prescribed, focused and goal-oriented. That's not how I feel before I go for a run. I feel the need to run. I feel out of control. I feel like I need my body to keep pace with all of the thoughts going through my head. When I'm running, I feel like they match. After I'm done, all of the bad thoughts aren't always erased, but almost always more manageable. I'm calmer. I feel at least like I accomplished SOMETHING. Luckily, I was able to run today.

Especially now, when I have a lot on my mind, I've needed to work out every day just to keep my emotions in check. Oh, and of course I've cried. I just get to a point where it the crying seems to feed itself. Trust me, I'm a big proponent of getting my feelings out, but there comes a point in which crying is no longer helpful. I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to cry. That's okay. I'm just not going to let it consume me. There are too many other good things in life I'll miss out on if I feel sad & guilty all of the time.

So, this blog is *supposed* to be about grad school, so maybe I should just say that I'm totally stalled on my dissertation (on my end, not my advisor's). I think I just need to spend the last couple of the weeks of summer not working. I'm not focused right now and sitting at my desk for 8 hours staring at my computer screen and checking facebook every 15 minutes is not increasing my self-efficacy. I just want to do the absolute bare minimum to prepare for teaching and not worry about school for a few weeks. I thought that perhaps work may be a distracter, but it's not working well. I can't seem to pour myself into my work and become a workaholic. A workoutaholic maybe. But not a workaholic. I'll start fresh the beginning of the fall semester. I just don't want to feel like I'm failing anymore.

Difficult situations are not fun, but it really makes me feel grateful for all of my friends and support that I have. It continually surprises me how many people come forward when I'm having difficulty in my life. I am unbelievably lucky to have all of you. Thank you. I love all of you.

Owie.

I'm in b'ham – been here since yesterday afternoon. New folks are cool, definitely will have fun. Got some work to do this week though.

I've managed to totally overdo it at the hotel gym. My arms are killing me? Why, I don't know. I usually use 8lb weights for most arm exercises. I used 5lb weights today. Granted, I haven't done weight work as often as is should, but I get a session in once a week at the least. It even hurts to type. I need to dry my hair, but I'm not sure if my arms will hold out! Seriously, I should not be this sore!

May go out – I missed out on dinner since I spent so much time at the gym. Had to work out though – I always feel better if I do. That way I can eat cookies tomorrowJ.

Boring stuff today – maybe I'll have great stories tomorrow…

Blogger in mirror is not as bitter as she appears…

After reading the last couple of posts, I realize how negative I seemed about everything. I don't really feel that way all of the time. I think I blog at times that I am frustrated (or bored). I am really in a better mood than it seems. Still very jaded about school but I am about to start my 10^th year of post high school education (i.e. 22^nd grade). If I wasn't jaded by now, there would be something seriously wrong with me.

In other news, it appears that I've been selected for early admission to an exclusive group. The letter came with plastic membership card. What selective group, you ask? AARP. Yes, that is the old people club. Usually the age is 50, but I guess I get to join 22 years early. I'm thinking about sending in the $12.50 membership fee to make it official. I'd get the senior coffee at McDonalds...and it comes with a magazine! I'm seriously thinking about it – maybe I'd be the youngest ever member of AARP…world record, anyone? So tempting. Now I'm really thinking about it. I could totally be a media whore and it could be one of those weird news stories. I wonder how many calls to media outlets that would take…..hmmmm…

Aww, it asks for my date of birth on the membership form. I could right over "Prefer not to answer", or better yet "None of your damn business!". How about "a lady never reveals her age"? Or I could write a letter yammering on about the lack of privacy these days and how rude it is to ask for so much personal information. If I get denied, I could call them and call them out for age discrimination. My sister's a lawyer, maybe we could sue…ok, ok I'm getting a bit carried away. But seriously, this AARP card has made my day. And I wouldn't being true to my authentic self if I don't get carried away with stuff.