Goals

So once again, I'm making a list of goals for the new school year. This feels a little tiresome, as I seem to make lists of goals every semester that never pan out. It is my fault completely, but the more I fail (because I didn't try) the more I believe that finishing my PhD is a goal that is out of reach. I'm trying to keep myself motivated and believing in myself, but it is much easier said than done. I'm hoping to keep my promises this time and really give it that "old college try".

Goals for 2010-2011

Finish dissertation by August 2011
- Propose by end of Fall 2010 semester

• Have a rough draft of proposal by October 15

• Get IRB approval by January 2011

• Data collection Spring 2011
• Have a complete draft done by July 1, 2011

• Finish writing in summer 2011
• Defend August 2011

How to accomplish above goals:
- Work on dissertation daily
- Be committed to the above goals
- Minimize distractions and negativity
- Overcome obstacles
- Develop plans to overcome obstacles
- Seek guidance and social support when needed.

Foreseeable obstacles
- Losing momentum/motivation
- Letting anxiety and fear overwhelm me
- Not believing that I can do it
- Financial difficulties
- Being out of town often
- Comparing my progress to others and feeling inadequate
- Previous failures discouraging me

This is not an exhaustive list, but a good start :-)

kommunikashun

is good.

the power of culture....

I've been back from Germany for about a month and a half now. The adjustment to living there took time. Surprisingly, so did the adjustment to coming back to the US.

It wasn't driving, or not walking everywhere that was hard to re-adjust to (although it was weird for a week or so). It was the changes in myself.

I came back from Germany a new person; with a new body (+20 lbs) and seemingly a new personality. I'm getting used to both right now. Not understanding the local language quiets even the most boisterous extrovert. Not to mention dampening my sense of humor...really hard to crack jokes in German if you don't actually speak, write or understand German.

Plus I've come back to a huge stack of medical bills...and an insurance company in which dropped me because I was "ineligible for coverage". They didn't determine that until I submitted a claim. Turns out I'm short one credit hour...and always have been! They never checked my enrollment, but issued me a new insurance card anyway. I'm gonna get a lawyer...if I can afford one. And I'm currently unemployed with no prospects on the horizon. *sigh*

I guess life could be a little (or a lot) easier right now. However, I'm with an amazing guy who makes everyday just a little bit easier...and a lot happier.

hiding...somewhere

Back to writing, back to...painting? I did every once in a blue moon before I moved. I found my painting stuff and had at it with my watercolors.

I am not an artist, nor do I claim to be, but there is something inherent in me that just paints...not thinking. I like that, being confident in what I'm doing, knowing that no one else will see the painting, so I can do what i like; that it is MY creation. I paint what i feel, so it's usually pretty abstract.

Painting can bring up emotions. I started just having a little fun, not really painting much of anything. Suddenly I became overcame with tears. Not like a few...but wrenching, sobbing, scare the neighbors type crying. Why?

I think painting was an escape valve for my emotions. In Germany, I became a "stuffer"; someone that does not show her emotions. This is very much unlike me but it is an example of how powerful culture is in shaping our behavior.

When I was in Germany, a number of things happened. The most difficult, however, was the loss of a good friend from college; someone who I saw daily. We had lost touch, but that didn't minimize the hurt of losing her. Sure, I tried a little at times, but always having roommates and not wanting anyone to see me upset, I swallowed the lump in my throat and went on with my day.

I've not really given myself the chance to fully grieve her loss. I was not able to attend her funeral or her memorial service. I did write a letter to her family and visited her grave....but I haven't really felt it for more than a few minutes at a time, then everything would shut off. My grief has been like a faucet that automatically shuts off...like my brain is like, "Ok, 2 minutes is enough. No more".

I forgot how much I missed her until today. I haven't thought of her in a long time. I haven't wanted to...I can't think about her without bringing up the anger I have. She was only 30. IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR.

I try to think about what a wonderful person she was, how inspiring she was. But I can't seem to get over the "was". Not "is", but "was". It's been over 3 months, but today it feels fresh, like it happened yesterday.

I love and miss you, dear friend. This colorful, abstract, nonsensical watercolor is for you <3

my life is never boring...

I managed to make my life even more exciting. Still moving all of my stuff into a storage unit, internship in Germany next month, still tons of stuff to do. Now I've got a new challenge: moving without being able to drive. I've lost my driving privileges for 6 months.

How did I do this? I had a seizure on Sunday night at my brother's apartment, 2+ hrs from home.

I feel fine. I'm sure that I'm not as freaked out as my brother and sister-in-law, who witnessed me seizing. Apparently I stopped talking mid-sentence, passed out, then started seizing. I managed to bite my tongue and turned blue. I woke up a minute or so later, rather confused. My brother told me that I had had a seizure. I told him I hadn't. I thought that we were just sitting on the kitchen floor then I got tired and laid down. My brother cleverly told me that the paramedics were friends of his so I didn't fight (I don't have great insurance, so this is gonna be hella expensive). I was so out of it, I totally believed him. I didn't understand it until I got into the ambulance.

I spent 2 days in the hospital, had a bunch of tests done and found nothing wrong. Seems to be a one-time deal. I'm feeling just fine, but irritated that I don't have as much independence as I would like.

Perhaps that was an unaccredited online degree ya got there

Fun at the school clinic last week...

Nurse asks me if I've ever had a finger-stick to test my blood sugar. I told her not to test my blood sugar, but I mention that its the most painful part of donating blood. She then asks "do they just hook it up?", looking really confused. I really hope she wasn't referring to her finger...but who knows.

Nurse does not know how donating blood works. So I think she knows there is a needle and a bag involved...or does she think there is a tube directly in the donor's arm?

There was talk about food because she was testing me for low blood sugar. Somehow got into the conversation of weight loss. I mentioned that I lost ~70 pounds about 5 years ago. She then asked "Did you keep it off?" while looking right at me. No, I didn't. I used to weigh 60lbs...when i was 7.

A few potentially important things she forgot: She didn't weigh me. Or take my temperature. Or asked if I could be pregnant (no), if I had pain anywhere. Had to take my blood pressure 4 times, using the inflatable cuff.

Seriously, I wish I were kidding.

And I wonder why people younger than me call me sweetie

Drive thru interaction.

"I'll have a #3"
"Coffee with that, right?"
"Um, no. Actually I'll um have apple juice.

Apple juice comes in a colorful juice box with Ronald McDonald. I wanted to say that I drink the hard stuff; Coffee gots nothing against 100% apple juice